Very unmotivated spouse....

Hello everyone!!!  I have a question.... do any of you have unmotivated spouses that have a weight problem??  How do you deal with that?  I have realized that while trying to get back into my routine, a big hurdle has been my darling husband. 

My husband (and I love him dearly) has a weight problem, like myself just a few short years ago.  Over the past year, I have seen him tip the scales and in turn it's a downer to me, big time.  I've tried talking to him, getting him off the computer to come exercise with me just a bit, have asked him to help me and support me (thinking that would motivate him)... nothing, nada, zilch.  But what's really discouraging is he will eat everything and anything, and hide it now.... this is not good....  I used to do this when I was afraid of my parents yelling at me about eating.  But I swear I do not yell or get upset with him, I merely try to console him...  I can't help but think I'm just making things worse.  He won't talk about it.  It's discouraging to me but also it is not helping me stay on goal and target.  I feel like I'm backpeddling.  

Yet I do realize something else, while I was going through my weight struggles before surgery, I remember listening to all the advice in the world and not being ready, half heartedly dieting knowing it wouldn't work for me, all the words of advice would go in one ear and out the other..  It will take him changing if he wants to change, I and no one else can change him.  But I'm terrified he doesn't want to change and that he's happy like this.  I'm certainly not happy that his health is going down hill and that he has more labored breathing, snoring badly, not to mention the family history of medical issues he has. 

I just don't know what to do.....  any advice?? 

Thanks for listening everyone.  *smooches*

~Shannon

Hey Shannon,
It's good that you realize that he will not change until he decides for himself to change. We were the same way before the surgery and still sometimes struggle with old habits. I know that as an overwieght man, when the person we love is making BIG changes in their life and seem to be moving ahead it can be VERY deppressing. We think we are not worthy of an "attractive" ladies attention. This can make us eat and get worse, kind of like a self fulfilling prophacy.  DO NOT GIVE UP ON HIM. Keep doing what you know is right for you, as far as your health goes. Stress to him the concern you have for him. Let him know that you want him to be around to grow old with. See if he would be open to seeing a Dr. to find out if he is dealing with depression. Believe me, he is not happy with his weight. Overwieght people are very good about hiding their feelings. I will be praying for you and him. Just you posting here and the concern you are displaying show you love him. Good luck!!!! 

Wayne, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your reply.  I am definitely going to keep trying, I really am, I don't want him to go down the same road I did, that was a place I don't ever want to see again and to see him go through it just makes my heart ache. 

Thank you so much for the advice and kind words.  :)

~Shannon

Hi Wayne,

I LOVE your response to Shannon.  It was very touching.  

Thanks for being a BOTT and sharing with us.

Cathy

Hi Shannon,

It is difficult when one partner is doing one thing and the other one is not ready.  My husband had weight issues and I took him out to dinner (out of the house) and talked to him from my heart.  I told him that I wanted to grow old with him, see our sons graduate from college, get married, be grandparents together - the whole thing.  I told him the thought of weight-related health issues scared me to death.

I can't tell you that was the lightbulb that went on in his head.  It did plant seeds though.  Quite a few months later, out of the blue, he joined Weigh****chers and has done amazingly well.  It was when he was ready and in his time (not mine obviously!).  I just told him my concerns and then didn't say anything else.  I was shocked when he brought it up.

I share my story with you only in pointing out that they will do it in their own time.  Just him knowing you care and are supportive has planted many seeds in his heart to do something.  Obviously you have a very loving, caring relationship. 

I know you won't give up and express your concerns as appropriate.  I think having an honest, open conversation with him in a neutral place (such as a restaurant or other place) to let him know your concerns in a loving way, let him know that you don't care what he eats and he doesn't have to hide it or be ashamed of it or protect you.  Then, be patient. 

I love Wayne's response to you from a man's perspective. 

Thanks for sharing with us so we can support you too.

Cathy

Thank you sooo much Cathy,  your words of support mean a lot to me.  Your suggestion about talking to him in a restaurant is great!  I may have to do that.  What a great story about your husband, it does give me hope that planting seeds will blossom.  Thank you so much, I'm gonna keep trying.  :)

~Shannon 

Hi Cutie (and you are a cutie) - It's so hard when we have found what works for us and can't share our success to motivate others.  I'm sure your DH thinks he's supporting you by hiding (I've been there and done that's for sure)  But the turth is we all have to reach the point of being ready to do something about our weight and, clearly, he just isn't ready yet.  He's so lucky to have a wife that care's so much.  So, I suggest you just keep loving  him, accept him where he is now, continue to be compliant yourself, and see what happens over time.  The most difficult thing is to accept that we may never be able to motivate those we love to take care of themselves.  I must confess no one was able to motivate me in spite of their good intentions.  I just had to be ready to do it for myself and not for anyone else.  My guess the best way for you to have any chance of motivating him is to serenely go about taking very good care of yourself.  You're a great wife. 

Awee thank you happylapbander for the kind words!  Your reply has touched my heart.  You are absolutely right. 

I greatly appreciate your words of wisdom and support.  :)

 - Shannon

Thanks so much