Help! Family intervention needed I think

I am near tears this afternoon,  I have been struggling with hunger for awhile now and I am doing fairly well.  Protein, measure, try not to have *junk* in house.  But I am afraid I am going to lose this battle!

Why?  Cause I am not as strong as I would like to be.  I am not gaining but I sure ain't losing!  The problem lies in the food my DH wants to have around.  I can' talk till I am blue in the face and he just doesn't get it!  

I love my bread and pasta!   It doesn't love me.  I love potatos, it doesn't love me.  If it is not here, I have no problems, but, this week alone, he wants noodles, grilled sandwhiches, mashed potatos.  He got wheat thins at the store along with a bunch of other "goodies" in his book.

I fix just enough of that stuff for him but it doesn't help my mental hunger at all!  I want it and I am struggling NOT to have it.  His mantra is go ahead take a bit, it won't hurt to have a little!  He doesn't need it either!  He is almost 100 pounds overweight and diabetic with Sleep Apnea but he is in denial of the truth and a little of this that and the other thing won't hurt either of us.

Well his little of this that and the other thing is a little at breakfast, a little for snack, a little for lunch and so on!  I'm just not dealing well!

Granted I have been dealing with this for almost 2 yrs now, but right this very minute I am not dealing well!  Other then burying him in the back yard does anyone have any suggestions?  I am getting desperate.  It is getting harder each day to stay even let alone lose.

HELPPPPP

Hi,

Yes, I think you might want to get some councelling.  There are some tools out there you can use to help combat these food triggers that upset you  Find someone who works with people who have food addictions and/or disorders.  It seems like you have some fear or risk foods that cause you alot of distress.  Pasta and breads should not be feared.  That is why I am thinking a counceler who knows food issues.  Go on line and see who is in your area.  We are here for you too.  Huuuugzzzzz

I am sorry your husband is taking his health issues so lightly.  Mine tends to do a little of that too.  Take care of yourself.  He needs you whether he realizes it or not. 

I am not afraid of them in the sense that I never eat them.  I do in moderation.  I plan them into my weekly meals, and sometimes just spontaneous.

My problem lies in the fact that he wants nothing but this stuff recently and I have suggested counseling for both of us, but he doesn't want anything to do with it.

I know I need to deal on my own with his problems.  But unless he is just driving me nuts with eat this try that and that is how I got here to begin with!

It is kind of like being around smokers.  I am Ok in small doses occasionally but when I am exposed to it on a daily bases my addiction is there yelling at me that just one won't hurt.   Just 1 sandwhich won't hurt and I do it, occasionally.  Everyday it would hurt.

I know I am not expressing myself well, but I am just having a really rough day.

Hi,

Thanks for being open.  I still think councelling would benefit you.  I am sorry he is pressuring you to eat what you don't want.  Having the tools to combat that would help.  You never know, there may be something way back in your life that started a cycle that you may have forgotten.  It's like Alanon (spelling?) for family members of alcoholics.  You live with a foodaholic.  You need support that is above what you can get with friends and relatives.  Huuuugzzzz

It definitely is difficult when others in the family can and do eat junk. My dh eats a pretty healthy diet, but we have 2 boys~8 and 11~and they do enjoy some junk food, as they should! Sometimes it kills me to have Little Debbies in the house and other times it doesn't bother me at all. We all go thru phases of ups and downs and it sounds like right now you and your dh are in a down time as far as diet goes. I agree with the above poster that some therapy might help~I went thru this at 2yrs out and saw a therapist that specialed in eating disorders and was an advocate for wls. She really helped me to build the skills needed to help me thru many things~daily struggles, emotional eating, food addiction, self image, etc. Once you learn a few tools you can draw on those at your time of need to help you get thru~it doesn't work every time, but I win the battles more often than not. I hope this helps!

Actually the little extras that are always around for the grands, never bother me.   Thank goodness cause I do tend to spoil them!

I know I am not dealing well right now and I think maybe part of the problem is my fear of losing my DH as well.   As I said, his eating habits are not real healthy, yet he won't try to change. 

I try very hard not to nag, but it gets more difficult each day when he tells me his Blood Sugar numbers.  They are out of site and I can't get him to see that he has to make the change.  I can cook the right things, in the right amounts, but when he goes to the basement to *work* and is eating the stuff he sneaks into the house.  Then complains cause he doesn't feel well.

I wanted to take him to the ER last week when his numbers were sky high but he refused to go.

He has been to diabetic classes both with and without me, but like a lot things it goes in 1 ear and out the other.  It is so hard to step back and say, well I can' only do so much the rest is up to you.  I didn't do this so I could lose him to food!   I did this so we could live!

As I said, bad day but this too shall pass.   I will talk with PCP about counseling when I see him in 10 days. 

My guess is he is using you in an effort to deny his problem.  If he can get you to eat in an unhealthy way then he doesn't have to face up to what he's doing and can keep right on denying.

Of course you're scared of losing him and it is a very real fear.  Remember, no one can make anyone else thing, do or feel anything.  We can only invite and it's up to the other person whether or not they accept the invitation.  You would make him feel good if you could!  By the same token, he can't make you feel either.  Feelings are like a math problem   Take what you are thinking, add to that what you are doing and the sum of these two are what you are feeling.

The best help you can give him is to stay the course with your eating.  When he sees you are not going to stray from healthy eating, it may be harder for him to deny and it may become more uncomfortable for him to keep eating in an unhealthy way than to change.  But it may not and you are right - there is absolutely not one thing you can do about that.  As you've already found out neither "nagging" nor education have accomplished anything.

There's nothing you can do about him harming himself, but there is everything you can do about you harming himself.  TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF - you not taking care of yourself only means both of you are in trouble - destroying yourself does not help him at all.  I know you know all of this, but sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else.  We've all been there and done this (or we wouldn't have had the surgery in the first place and we wouldn't have a need to get back on track.)

Be kind and gentle with yourself - but firm.  If any one of those grandkids of yours was doing something to hurt themselves, you wouldn't hesitate a heartbeat to tell them to stop.  And you would expect them to mind.  You wouldn't say, "Do you want to stop?" or "If it's hard to stop you don't have to."  No way, you'd not let them hurt themselves.  Do the same thing with you - don't let you hurt yourself.  You are just a precious as those grandchildren!

And, by the way, I've yet to hear of anyone starving to death because they didn't eat the foods that were calling to them "EAT ME" 

You can do this.  I believe in you - now you believe in you.   I'm so glad you reached out to us.  We are here to help in whatever way we can.  Sometimes we don't want to be "fixed", we just want someone to listen to us.  Tell us what you need.

WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER, YES WE CAN 

Hi Carolyn,

I agree with counseling if it is an option, it would be a great help.  If not, try these suggestions....

Get the worst before photo  you have and blow it up and put it on the fridge.  Put it up and everytime you are fixing dinner for your husband, look at it and you will not want to go there....

Find a buddy, someone that you can call and discuss what you are feeling...kinda talk you donw from that chocolate ledge.  Come here and we will help you get through the moment.   If it's possible, go for a walk.  Fix his stuff, chew gum while cooking and then let  him eat alone and go for a walk.  Tell him he has to clean up the kitchen.

This is going to sound terrible but photo shop a picture of him laying in a coffin and maybe he will get the hint.  It worked on my husband.  He kept eating junk and drinking soda and his health was going down hill BIG TIME.  It is so much easier to have no junk in the house.  Tell him you want him around for a long time...

Good luck and thanks for coming here and sharing... WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!

Take care,
Kathy

Dear Carolyn,
  I am right with you on the war with carbs.  I have learned that if I eat "just a little bit" of potatoes, or bread or pasta,.... it "triggers" something in my brain that makes me want to go back and have more and more carbs.  It is so much "easier" for me to just have my protein and veggies, and maybe get my "good" carbs from certain foods that I eat, and simply stay away from the "bad carbs"  (I think they are called high glycemic carbs or something.. that spike up my insulin and make me want more and more.  This is just me though, everyone is different.  Its the same thing with sugar too.  If I have "just a little bit"... then wamo! I'm craving more sugar.  I just wanted to send you a big ol hug cause I understand the frustration and tears.  If your struggling with hunger still, try keeping lots of dense, low fat protein around.  (roasted turkey keeps me full for a long time.) 

Does anyone else like pickles and use them to fill up these "empty" spots?  Mt. Olive brand has "no sugar added" pickles (I've tried liking dill pickles, but have never mastered that) that have zero calories.  Now, I'm sure in the amount I eat them there are some calories (after all cucumbers have some calories) but not a significant number and they satisfy me.  We're all different so this may not be a help for you at all, but it works great for me.