WE DID IT!!!!!

Yes we did!  A 100% on track day!  And boy, did I ever learn some amazing things about myself.

1.  I need to reach out for support immediately when I begin to feel Not OK about myself.  Yesterday I came striaigt in from seeing my midriff roll in the mirror and e-mailed the BOTTers

2.  I have only two sizes in my head - my goal weight and I'm not going to think about it

3.  Only at my goal weight do I think of myself as thin - the rest of the time it's either I'm not going to think about it or I'm fat (this is how I feel when I'm belittleing me in my head)

4.  Messages of caring and support help so much and I do truly thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for sending them along

5.  Positive self-talk proves the math problem for changing feelings   What I am thinking + What I am doing = What I am feeling   When I changed my thinking to positive self-talk (with the help of messages of caring and support), I changed my feeling from I'm fat to I've regained some weight, but I am in the process of successfully taking it off.

6.  And here's the thing I learned that STUNNED me.  Was/am so stunned I cannot feel embarassed or ashamed or anything else.  Here it is and in advance I beg your forgiveness.  I'm sure I'm the only fat person who has ever done this!  I LIED to all of you, but even more significantly I LIED TO MYSELF!!!!

I've told us all that I have regained some weight, but that I can still wear the same clothes I wore when I reached goal.  I couldn't quite understand this with the amount of weight I have gained (30 pounds) but there were my clothes in the closet to prove it.  Well, that is a big fat lie.  The only clothes I can still wear that I wore then are slacks with elastic at the waist.  I cannot wear my slacks that button at the waist and I was so proud I could - I knew I couldn't wear them, but I thought I "couldn't quite" them.  Well, that's just plain old bullfeathers - I can't even suck in my tummy and come anyways near buttoning them.  I long ago I began buying a size larger jacket and top - so long ago and I shop so much that I completely lost sight of needing a larger size although I had weeded out the smaller size tops to make room for the bigger ones.  Now don't get me wrong - I'm a whale of a lot smaller than when I began this journey three years ago, but I'm sure not where I want to be.  The only reason I can come up with for being so deep in denial is that I so much don't want to let down the support group members and/or the pre-bariatric surgery patients I see.  I don't want to give them any reason to believe they might not be able to succeed.  And the reason I was finally able to allow myself to see the truth is because I feel grounded in the caring and support I get here.  It is truly a place it is safe to be who we really are.  We do not have to run and hide from ourselves.  Thank you so much for hearing me out and please forgive me.

Forgivness is not needed b/c you haven't done anything other than be a NORMAL human being.  Most of the walking adult population in the US, or other, battles their weight at one point or another.  Your so not alone. 

The first step in getting on track is being honest with yourself (thanks Dr. Phil) and you've already taken the 1st step in the right direction!

I know you can do it! 

Huggs!

Ash :)

Thank you so much!!  I can't tell you how much your response means to me (I have tears in my eyes) I was afraid you would all be so disgusted with me for lying to myself (and because of that to all of you) that no one would ever want to have anything to do with me

Thank goodness, I did not get off track because of that flash of insight.  It all came about after I'd gone to bed so was safe last night (not that I've NEVER gotten up and snarfed down mega food - but wasn't even tempted last night)  and I feel safe today - especially since I'm not being totally outcast thanks to your response.

Can sure use all the huggs I can get!

Lots of Hugs for you!  And Kudos to  you for coming CLEAN with yourself.  That's the HARDEST no matter what weight we're at.

There's no judgement here - just a whole bunch of understanding, compassion and support. 

No one can fix it but you and it sounds like you're moving in the right direction.

Best wishes, good luck and there's lots of good karma coming your way!

Warmly -

~BJ

Thanks so much for your reply!!!!  I can't tell you how much it means to me (I have tears in my eyes)  I was so afraid no one would want to have anything to do with me ever again after my denial (I stil don't see how I could do that - sort of like ignoring an elephant in a very small room) caused me to lie to all of you.

The good news is that it have not gotten off track because of it 

Thanks again!!!

You are doing great!  Nobody will hate you for being honest.

I had a regain too - and I had to go up a size (in some things two sizes) and I am still a long way from where I want to be.... I have kept all the clothes I was wearing before the regain because I have every intention of wearing them again.....  someone told me to stop being silly and get rid of them and just accept myself the size I am now,  but what happens when *these* clothes get too tight?  Do I move up another size?

I say h.e.double hockeysticks no!

Honesty is what keeps us checking the BOTT boards every day, it keeps us trying to make good choices and it keeps us from sabotaging ourselves!

We are here for you - and you are here for us - you are an active poster (not a lurker like me) and you are valuable to the group!

You can do it!

Thank you so much for your kind words and caring support - it means more to me than you will ever know!

Don't you dare get rid of those clothes!  You will be wearing them again before you know it!!!!  I believe in you - now you believe in you.

It is so true that WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER!  Now not as fast as we'd like (we aren't going to wake up in the morning having lost all we've regained like we;d like to)  but WE CAN DO IT TOGEHTER, YES WE CAN!!!!!

Thank you so very much for being there for me!!!!!   I'm feeling much better about myself that I was this morning.  It still amazes me that I was able to deny like I did, and I'm so sorry that that denial caused me to lie to all of you, but now I have a more realistic view of 1. how important it is to me to get back to my goal weight and 2. the amount of time it will take to get there

Have a very fine day and thank you thank you thank you!!!!!

What a wonderful post this is--because now you aren't carrying the burden of denial & guilt!  I'd venture to say that all of us here are (or were) masters of deceit because all that sneakiness & lying is so much a part morbidly obese life.  I have been so ashamed of all the lies I told--to people that I love, as well as to people I don't even care about!--and to myself.  So . . . as others have said, no judgment on this board.

I firmly believe that we have to get to that totally honest place within ourselves in order to deal with the problem.

Thanks so much for your caring support.  I guess the biggest whopper i ever told about my weight was at the license branch when I renewed my driver's license a number of years ago - my old license said I weighed 100 pounds - the day I was renewing it I weighed about 175.  The clerk asked me if  my weight had changed and I looked her right in the eye and calmly said "No"

I feel much better this evening than I did this morning when I wrote this - in large part because of these wonder caring messages.  (And I'mstill on track!!!!)

Again thanks so much!!!!

Hi Happylapbander,

I'm happy that the support you received from sharing your view in the mirror helped you.  It was all very true.

I really like all of the items you shared with us.  I have a "Quote" page on my laptop that I save quotes and meaningful things.  I put your #5 in my special page. Thanks.

No forgiveness is necessary because you did nothing wrong.  I don't feel you lied to us at all.  Quite to the contrary.  You shared something with us that is very private and personal information.  I am honored that you trust us and know we care enough for you to do that with us.

I hope you know that you belong here with all of us BOTTers for you and who you are.

Cathy