Need A Shoulder To Cry On!

I have had a absolutely lousey day...I feel like I have been pulled through a key hole!!!  Is it ok for me to feel sorry for myself for a few minutes?  Cause I'm gonna.  LOL.  I did something I probably shouldn't have done last nite and I have payed for it today.  I revisted the past and found that I am not as far ahead in putting it to rest as I thought I was.  2005 was God-awful and I pray to God will be the only year like it in my history.  My younger brother died, my dad died...both with cancer.  My Dad was already supposed to be gone by the time my brother was diagnosed...but no...the powers that be let him stick around long enough to witness his youngest sons suffering and death. They were in the same house under hospice care at the same time and my younger sister's took care of them while I worked and helped financially. Between my brother's death and my Dad's I had a hysterectomy and we moved back to Texas. I didn't get to my Dad's funeral because the roads and skys were closed due to an early winter storm. By the time it was all over I had gained 70 pounds.  I thought I was ready to...I don't know...look at it?  So I wrote the entire story in my blog on blogspot.  And it sent me into a total tail spin.  Just posting this is making me tear up.  Somebody tell me what I need to do...get counceling maybe? 
On a lighter note...I didn't eat myself under the table...which is blowing my mind...what's up with that?  Somewhere in my head I know the answers...but I can't seem to get to them tonight. 
Oh yeah...I guess I should let you know that I am up all nite.  My husband works nights and since I am not working I have just kind of adapted to his schedule so we can spend some time toghether.  Thanks for letting me rant...Linda

Hi Linda,
You really have been through a lot!  Don't beat yourself up.  You have the ability to get back on track and this is your first step.  Read through some of the posts here and put together a plan.  You're a strong person.  You can do this! 
Deb

Linda,  I am so sorry to hear about your Dad and younger brother.  What a year you had!  And how brave of you to revisit it and blog it!

Yes you are allowed to have a moment or more of grief (not self pity) for all that you went through that year!  It is only natural.  I say not self pity, because in my opinion it is not pity but grief you are feeling.  And even though it is 4 long years later, you are still in the grieving process.   But you have taken a huge step tonite by both blogging and coming to us with your year.

I tear up whenever I think of my parents and thier last days, it is natural. 

And good for you!  You didn't turn to food to help handle it.  What a victory!  If you think you need counseling for the grief it may be a good idea.  It might help with the food demons as well.  I am still resisting counseling cause I can handle it!  lol But when push comes to shove I will get it, I have in the past and the future is not over yet!

I would like to share something with you though.  It makes this a bit long but my DH and I found this in framed in a craft market and it is in our bedroom now.  It reminds us of all we have lost and how we want to handle it and future loses.

Carolyn
***************

MISS ME BUT LET ME GO

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rights in a gloom filled room,
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low,
Remember the love that we once shared,
Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take,
At each must go alone,
For it is all part of the master's plan,
A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely or sick at heart,
Go to friends we know,
And burry your sorrows in doing good deeds,
Miss me, but let me go.
 

Linda I am sending you a big (((HUG))) and thinking you may benefit from some grief counseling.  Of course this forum and many others are a great place to let many things go but nothing like some one on one or group face to face.
Wishing you a better day!

Hi Linda,

Thanks for sharing your post with us.  Feel free to rant here anytime.  That's what we're here for on BOTT is to share our successes, challenges and anything going on with us.

You had a year with lots of losses that one of them would be difficult but you had all of them within only a year.  Lots of hugs and support to you. 

So many things in your post are commendable.  The grief process comes and goes in waves.  You had the courage to post about it and naturally it brought up emotions and grief.  Yet, you are going through it and feeling it WITHOUT FOOD to numb those emotions.  That is so huge.  I know it is a painful time but feeling it rather than medicating it with food is huge growth.

I think counseling is a good thing.  I believe it is one of the best investments we can make which is in ourselves.  You had such tremendous loss that it wouldn't be a bad idea just to help you as an added resource.  Of course, you have us here on BOTT. 

You're right, in your head you do have the answers.  Trust and rely on that.  We've relied on food for comfort in our past so it makes perfect that during this time you've added some pounds.  Don't beat yourself up.  You did what you needed to do at the time to get through all of it.  While you're still experiencing the grief, you're aware that you have the answers and it isn't in food. 

I hope you'll feel comfortable to hang out and post whatever is going on for you.  We're here for you.

Cathy

Of course it's alright for you to feel sorry for yourself.  And it's equally alright to celebrate that you didn't eat yourself under the table!  Give yourself a giant pat on the back.  As a practicing psychologist, I believe you could benefit greatly from some counseling.  Seeking therapy isn't a sign of weakness - it is a sign of strenth.  It is just another way of taking good care of yourself.  Also let yourself cry.  Your grandmother may have told you people feel better after a good cry - well, would you believe it, someone researched the chemical makeup of tears and found that tears of saddness have the chemical in them that acts on your brain to make you feel sad so the tears wash some of that chemical out of your system, but tears of happiness, onion tears etc do not have the chemical in them.  (Can't really imagine why anyone would analyze tears - must have been their doctoral dissertation, but anyway, that's what they discovered).  Let yourself off the hook.  Be kind and gentle (but firm) with yourself.  Love yourself.  Accept yourself the way you are so you will be free to change - and it sounds as though you have already made a change - you're back on track.  GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!  This is a wonderful site - use it a lot.  I believe, that regardless of when we've had our shurgery, it is absolutely vital to our success to give and receive support. 

    You all passed up Wonderful about 6 miles back!!!  You have validated me in such a compassionate way.  CarolynK, that poem is beautiful...thank you so much.  I realize now that I have not let myself grieve as I need to...and I am going to give myself permission to do that now.  I also think I am going to find some counceling.  I'm in a smaller town and I am kinda picky when it comes to that...I spent a long time in therapy dealing with other issues so I have some experience. 
    I'm still kinda puzzled that I'm not eating...that's my standard operating procedure...maybe I have finally achieved some maturity in dealing with the hard stuff...I know...there will be times...but I am truly thankful that I have this to prove to myself I don't have to eat to get through a tough time...every time I am able to do that...well...maybe I get stronger?  God, I hope so.  
    I have only been visiting this site for less than 2 weeks and I already have a place in my heart for yall.  Thank you so much...Linda