Hi Everyone

Westchester's Post-Op Support Group meets Wednesday
May 25th @ 6:00 PM

White Plains HS
550 North Street
White Plains, NY 
Room G-122

RSVP if you need more info.

Well Len,
I would recommend being supportive as you can. She is putting herself first. It may feel like she is putting you last but honestly her success depends on her determination. After being married for 10 yrs, I think my hubby feels the same way. I work out, grocery shop for my needs, I dress up, go out with my friends. I think its a hit to the ego right?

Michelle

Hmm... I guess I am abnormal on this as well... LOL.. We have been married 6 years... I don't ever remember my weight being a topic of discussion until we started trying to have children and I found out I weighed over 350... he did not have a problem with it... he loves me regardless if I weigh 150 or 500 .. but I about died! I did not care that he knew... but I had no idea I weighed that much! I got up to 389 before I started weigh****chers. I lost 60 then got pregnant and gained 40 back... then had WLS at 362... I am 271 now... I tell him at least once a week what I weigh... just because I am excited about this journey I am on and who better to share that with than my best friend.

 You might try contacting the surgeon's office that did your husband's surgery and ask if they are aware of any support group for spouses or if spouses are welcome to their support group meetings. Good luck!

 Hi,
Six years ago my wife had a Gastric Bypass, ostensibly to eliminate chronic migraine headaches and periodic bouts of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension; which was treated with spinal taps. These conditions were blamed on her weight, she was a big girl, but certainly not morbidly obese. I always found her attractive, although she was always sensitive about her weight. 

We had our first child within a year of being married, followed by twins a few years later.  After the birth of the twins she began talking of having a gastric bypass, having put on  weight during her pregnancy.  She told me that her doctors recommended the surgery to eliminate the headaches and IIH, as well as improve her overall health and well being. She showed me the information packet and explained what was involved, including pre-op psychological counseling. The literature clearly said that these procedures were intended for those who had tried all conventional methods of weight loss/control - like diet and exercise, but had failed. 

In the application paperwork she was asked to list all of those failed diet and exercise programs that had failed her. She listed many different diets and types of exercise, none of which I had ever known her to do. Over the years I had often urged better eating habits and encouraged her to exercise. She never did exercise and continued to eat the worst fast food and to binge on sweets when stressed. I raised my concerns about the post-op dietary restrictions and things I had read about post-op psychological problems, but she was determined and pushed ahead, not including me in any of the pre-op counseling or decision making process. 

She had the surgery, and after beginning to lose weight, she had a breast augmentation to, as she put it, restore them after being ravaged by two pregnancies. I didn't see anything wrong with them and tried to reassure her that I still found them attractive as ever, but she went ahead. She said repeatedly that she "only wanted back what she had before" but as she recovered from that operation it became clear that she had gotten much larger ones. 

And then it began. 

Binge Drinking to the point of blackout. 

Affairs.

Compulsive sex when binge drinking. 


She walked out on the kids and I about four years ago, but we got it back together after briefly attending marriage counseling, which she refused to return to after only a few months. My job began to take me out of the country a lot, and I spent nearly a year commuting between home and Mexico.  I quit after being approached by neighbors who told me horror stories and made noises about family services getting involved. 

That was two years ago. I tried to get her drinking under control, but she gets so drunk so fast on so little that it is difficult to moderate. Once she has two or three, she has lost control, will not let me shut her off, and often goes on to drink 12-20 drinks in a night! The day after these binges, she is extremely hateful, towards me in particular it seems. She is very good at hiding this problem from the rest of the world and family, but over the last year it started to become obvious as the episodes became more extreme and involved kids (ours and others) more and more. As I pushed her to get control or stop she began avoiding me, going to friends houses overnight or on trips with the kids. After a few very bad incidents involving kids, she took the kids and left to move in with her parents. 

Her parents don't approve of her drinking, and are aware of how bad it has gotten and that our kids have been affected, but they refuse to acknowledge it to me or bring any pressure to bear on her to clean up her act. They seem only concerned with what it may cost their side of the family with regards to custody, despite my repeated assurances and even an offer to give them partial custody as a show of good faith. 

She has been gone several months now, going back and forth between trying to fix our marriage and retreating a half dozen times. She has returned to our house for overnight visits many times, and drinks almost every time. Before she left, her binges were on a 4 day cycle, which I was mapping in a spreadsheet in order to better understand. That has become a two day, or even every day, cycle now. The day after a big bout of drinking she grows hateful towards me and abandons any progress made up to that point, talking only of divorce and telling friends and family things that make reconciliation more unlikely.  She has played many games with me, causing me to react badly, then trumpets my reaction as her reason. As i try to bring pressure about her drinking and get her friends and family involved, she has begin telling outright lies that make me look like I am harassing her. 

It is hard for her to drink while at her parents house, but she still manages to do so late at night, which is making her very tired. When she does abstain for a few days she becomes the woman I know and loved, expressing regret at her actions and a willingness to deal with our problems, though never her drinking. I have my own issues, but have addressed each and every one she has brought up since this began. But she won't even try to fix the one problem she has, the one that is killing our 14 year marriage and pulling apart this once happy family of 5. 

Her parents are circling the wagons and my kids are beginning to treat me as an outsider who is a threat to their mother, one told me that she wouldn't talk about certain things because I would use it to "put mommy in jail". 

It seems to me that my wife suffers from Addiction Transfer, and whatever is driving this is what drover her to eat. She seems to see running away from me as an easier option than fixing her problems, with many men paying her much attention - especially since the split began. 

I am still fighting and hoping because I know that she wants to fix this when she is sober for a few days, but I can't keep her that way. 


Does anybody have any advice specific to a gastric bypass patient about this binge drinking?

I am reluctant to wage a war and fight for custody, for fear of wrecking our relationship for good. 

Help.