WLS Wife Needs Help!!!!

I am the wife a husband going to have vsg. I love my husband with all my heart but I feel I am being left behind. I understand the reason for his decision to have the surgery, that is not my beef. I support him whole-heartedly. My beef is that I am not far behind him on the scale but I don't seem to count when it comes to how he feels or how I feel for that matter. I feel like chopped liver (pardon the beef joke). I have the same problem he does but he doesn't hear my pleas. He has disconnected from me and seems to be more comfortable with internet friends than me. He says he had been thinking about this for over a year but I only found out a month or so ago. We have been married 12 years and God knows it has not always been easy. Right now I am so uncomfortable. I am on edge and so is he. I can't even look at him without him saying something like " you are giving me a condecending look, like you are better than me." I don't think that and I know that is not about me but him but hearing it all the time hurts. I only want the best for him and us but it is hard when I don't feel like he even wants to be here. Tension is real high in our house right now. I am having gall bladder surgery two days after he has his surgery. I try to talk to him but it always ends up bad. He says things and I react and I say things and he reacts. Sorry to ramble but if anyone would understand I would hope it would be ya'll.

Hi Patience, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My wife had the surgery a little over a year ago and she has become a completely different person, certainly not the one I married. They told us at the support group in peoria Illinois that if your marriage is not perfectly stable to begin with that the surgery will end it for good. They claimed that everyone will look at the WLS patient differently. I think that is BULL! Depending on the patients' age, the younger ones are the most likely, they go thru some kind of midlife event that changes their whole personallity. They do look down on everone else, change fiends, dump lovers and spouses. My wife has said that she doesn't find me attractive anymore and that she doesn't feel like she even knows herself or where she belongs. This surgery can be more trouble to relationships than it is worth. Chris

Well, here's the update. We are almost 3 weeks post op (Him WLS - me Gallbladder) and they person I married is back and better than ever. We are having conversations like we did 11 years ago when we got married. He is telling me what going on in his head. He has a sparkle in his eye I haven't seen in a very long time. We take walks together, he goes with me to do things I want to do and doesn't complain. His patience and tolerence levels have risen from below sea level. You see I am overweight also and so I decided that since he is willing to go thru this surgery and change his whole eating lifestyle than I can do it too. That is what helpmates do. I think with both of us doing it together he has realized that I am not the enemy. Our marriage had never been perfect, don't get me wrong, but, we are both willing to do our part to make it work. Communication is the key, and let me tell you, it has been getting better day by day and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am sorry you had trouble in your paradise, I pray you will find peace within yourself and she finds peace within herself. God Bless You and Keep You, Patience

I am glad that things are better for you Nicki

Prayer is the best answer for problems. My wife and I both have moments where we don't speak to each other. Our problem is that both of us are computer techs and after talking on the phone all day it hard to come home and here about somebody elses problem. We both pray for each other and always we find time to do something together and communicate what we need or expect from each other. She is my helpmate and was placed with me by god. No surgery or anyone will take us from what God has placed together. Its good to hear that you have worked things out and are communicating with each other. As long as the two of you are striving to be closer to God then the closer together you will be to each other.

I'm hope you don't think I'm rude for being so bold but I'm thinking that if she feels that way now that those feelings were there long before the WLS. She's just got an excuse now to voice those feelings. If I were you and wanted to fix my marriage, I'd seek professional help (therapy). I'm almost 6 wks out on my WLS and I love my wife and would never do anything to jeapordize our marriage. She's not a WLS candidate but she's not thin either. Her BMI is about 35. My shrink says we're still on the post-surgery "honeymoon" but that there's probably going to be problems down the road when it's finished. I don't plan to be naive about that. I reassure her that the WLS was about me getting healthier and feeling better about myself. If I'm happier with myself, our relationship can only get better. --Eric

I've just been lurking and reading posts here and there - I'm certainly not a regular here. I just wanted to say I like the way you think, Eric. I feel the same way about my marriage. My RNY is 12/11 and it's all about me receiving a tool to help me get healthy so I can enjoy life more with my husband and child. You said it very well!

Hang in there At the suggestion of a spiritual advisor my wife and I went to a great counselor. That really helped us to come together as a team. We are looking at surgery this spring. We and I say we spent some time squirming in the counselors office but it was worth it. That is my experience