4 Year old behavior problems!!!

I'm boiling right now. I feel like I'm at my wits end with my 4 year old son lately. He's talking back, not listening, repeating what we say, making rasberry sounds or going "bla bla" when we talk to him. When we spank him, he goes right back to doing it after a little while. We even tried a reward program instead of punishment and that worked for about 2 weeks then fizzled out. He hates timeout, he crys his eyes out when we put him in his room for timeout, so we figure this is a better punishment. BUT he trashes his room. He dumped all his toys and books out of the shelves and toybox and colored on the walls with crayons. When he trashed his room, I made him stay in there until it was all cleaned up. So now he doesn't trash his room, but he pounds on the door (which we lock from the outside for timeout). Or if we're in the truck, he kicks the seat in front of him or the door beside him(right where the speaker is). I'm so tired of him destroying my things. Tuesday night we went to Chuckee Cheese, so hubby and I could sit and talk while Jamie ran around. All went well while we were there but when we left he started acting like a little monster, talking back. While hubby ran into Staples, we sat in the car. Jamie out of no-where, took his shoe off and threw it and hit me in the back of the head with it. Of course I spanked him for that one!!! I've told his teacher that I want to know if he's doing these things at school too. She's sent home a note twice in the last week saying he was in timeout for not listening/following instructions. TODAY, she called to tell me that he intentionally hit another child in the head with a block. OH MY GOD!!!! What do I do??????? It's like he's been spoiled being the only child, now that we have a puppy and a baby on the way, he is starved for attention and seems to be doing everything to get it. He pitches a fit whenever he doesn't get what he wants: toy, candy, McDonalds, whatever. We don't give in... no means no. But I feel like a total failure. Help? Advise? Nothing seems to work for more than a minute. Should I call Super Nanny???? Tracie

Hi Tracie.. As an outsider looking in and especially if he didn't feel the need to act out before you became pregnant, he is feeling very threatened. What he may need, instead of limiting your outings, is more one on one time doing stuff that he would enjoy sharing with you. He's blatently trying to get your attention and putting on his battle gear so to speak for when his new sibling arrives. Do your best to reassure him that he won't be displaced and that there will be special times and activities that only you and him (and your husband and him) will share. Once his fears are alleviated, he should calm down and even welcome his new little brother or sister. As he's going now though, I'd be worried for the safety of the baby. Young kids do things sometimes that just make them feel better, whether it's right or wrong, without much thought of consequences. Just love him, tickle him, play with him, do special things with him and give some words to the emotions that he might be having to show that you understand why he's afraid while reassuring him and so that he can have a way of identifying/understanding his feelings also. I have a 4 and a 5 year old and I've found that fears (rational or not) are often the driving force behind their actions.

Tracie, I know exactly what you're going through. I've been going through the same thing for 4 years now with my 6yo dtr. She is defiant beyond belief. Spankings have never worked. Timeouts are a joke. We've done every reward system known to man. We've been to parenting workshops and learned all about the Nurtured Heart Approach. That basically tells you to praise every possible positive thing they do no matter how small and eventually they'll stop doing the bad for attention. Guess what. That worked for a few weeks then back to hell again. I got so sick and tired of hearing people criticize me for not spending enough one on one time with her. I was a stay at home mom for several years until recently and she had plenty of one on one attention. But it was never enough. I took her to a therapist and she was diagnosed as being bipolar. Her acting out and violent temper tantrums where her child's version of manic behavior. So I wasn't crazy and I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing. I had been beating myself up and feeling like a bad parent. The child psychiatrist said that she'll never feel like I'm giving her enough attention. She was started on a medication and has therapy once a week. Things are much better now. Now I'm not saying that your son is bipolar but it might be worth having him evaluated. He sounds like he has oppositional defiance disorder or ODD. That is not the same as just a child looking for a parent's attention. The psychiatric society recognizes it as a legitimate diagnosis. So take a deep breath and do some reading. Become informed and then have him evaluated. There might be more going on. Good luck. Kathleen

please dont me mad at your son honey. just hold him tight and be thankful hes here. my son of 4 died yestersay. and i want to die myself. i wished all night i can hold him even if he wasnt being nice,. I will never have that again. so when your so upset just cherish him know he here and healthy

Sandra I am so sorry. I just posted a prayer on the main messageboard to your post. You are so right. Every child is God's blessing and we should be thankful even if they are misbehaving. I hope you can find relief knowing your son is in God's house now and enjoying every happiness a 4 year old can find! My heart goes out to you. Tracie

hi there,

I have a 4 yr old too and I am having similar behavior problems with him.   I took him to be tested and he is diagnosed with ADHD.  Could be same with your child.  I suggest having him tested.  The doc that diagnosed my son also recommeded ABA therepy for the behavior issues.  He is going Monday for a Psych evaluation.  He may need to be put on meds.  I am not sure how to feel about having a 4yr old on meds but I guess I will know more after talkking to the doc on Mon.

Good luck to you.

Anita