Two steps forward...

 ...and three steps back.

For those playing along, I have been posting about my struggles with my husband not being overly supportive with my investigating WLS. The more time I spend researching, the closer I come to a conclusion it is the right thing for me. He definitely disagrees. But, just a few days ago, as he came home from a trip, we had a great conversation and it really felt like a turning point. That post was called "breakthrough!" I felt like maybe he wasn't on board but at least he understood where I was coming from.

So roll the clock forward a few days and I'm sitting here trying to recover from the whiplash. He said that if I really wanted to make a change, then I would be ouside working up a sweat. He said that he doesn't see me making any efforts to work hard at losing weight. He brought up The Biggest Loser and said I should be working out every opportunity I have. If they can do it on that show, then I can do it! Seriously?!?!  The fitness person at CMC put me on 150 minutes of cardio/week and 3 days/week of using resistance bands...and I've been doing that (for all of the past 10 days or so since I saw her). But he's been gone and hasn't seen it. I've been using myfitnesspal faithfully since seeing the dietician and following a 1200-1500 calorie diet. I've cleaned out the cabinets and fridge of trigger foods, and have been making consciously healthy decisions. I have been pretty proud of myself!  Now this weekend, admittedly, I haven't done any cardio because I figured I would do it during the week. I tried to explain all of that and he said I should be doing more. At this point, we weren't even arguing but just talking. I'm trying so very hard to listen to his concerns and after what I thought was our very good talk on Friday, I thought we were in a good place. Show's how wrong I can be! This conversation escalated into him saying that my choosing this "bizarre" and "crazy" surgery versus just instilling some "discipline" in my life gives him "insight into my psyche" and how I just want to take the "easy way out."  

And there it is again - judgement. He has been to one appointment and was planning on going to more (he was traveling during the last few), and I've given him access to every forum, website, info, etc. He just has his view and he I doubt it's going to change. My husband is rather set in his ways and I know it. He is very disciplined in all he does and a very driven person - pushes through back pain, knee pain, whatever to get the job done. He isn't overweight and considers his battle with 5 pounds or 10 pounds the same as what I am dealing with. I was just really hopeful after our conversation on Friday that he was going to be my partner in this regardless of my decision - I didn't think that was asking too much.

I'm an independent woman across the board - and was when he married me. Successful in my own right. There isn't one part of me that feels this decision sits with anyone but me. However, I want his support - emotional, physicial - to help me on my rough days. Not really sure where this puts me...It was just a rough evening and threw me for a loop. I do feel like I went from two steps forward to three steps back. Hard to make progress personally when there is backwards movement. 

Not much else to say - thanks for reading if you made it this far :) I feel better having typed it out. I need to commit to getting into that counselor in the coming weeks. I'm starting to get the feeling that my marriage needs some professional attention, too....

At one point, I had to tell my husband that I was getting the surgery no matter what he said and that, as my husband, it was his job to support me or to shut up but the constant nagging at me to get me change my mind was no acceptable.

He thought about it for a few days and came back and said he'd support me. And, for the most part, he has.

I think you should stop trying to convince your husband and having discussions. This makes him think that your decision is still up in the air and that it's okay to do whatever is in his power -- fair or not -- to change your mind. Sometimes it's better to just do it and let the chips fall where they may.

There have been people who have had loved ones against this surgery who changed their minds when they saw how dedicated their loved ones were to the post-WLS lifestyle and how losing the weight changed their lives for the better. That's no guarantee your husband will change his mind but, in the meantime, at least he won't be badgering and insulting you about your decision.

I don't think you can expect him to get it to the point he will be supportive at first. He might get to the point of acceptance with some counseling and then further down the road some support. This is totally about you, your health and your determination. I hope you will continue to move forward because diets don't work long term for folks with near or over 100 pounds to lose. Please keep us posted and don't give up.

((hugs))

--gina
 

I sure hope you can get it worked out with him, but if you can't, this is for you!!  My DH was totally against any type of WLS, but he did come around thank goodness.  I would imagine it would make it a little harder if you didn't have his support.  I think once my DH realized I was going to do it anyway he needed to get on board and atleast be a little educated about it.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Linda

 Update....he just said he wouldn't support this decision, said it was a horrendous thing I was doing and would leave me/divorce me if I have the surgery. I didn't realize our marriage was so easily thrown away. I asked if he would go to counseling to talk through it with a professional and he said no. I guess I have some thinking of my own to do...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  For your husband to react so strongly as to insist that he will live if you have surgery means that he is either very controlling or very afraid.  Since I don't know him you will have to figure that out.  I guess you have to decide whether or not he is bluffing and if he isn't if you are willing to give up your marriage in order to do what you think is best for you.  For me it would be a no brainer.  My boyfriend wasn't support of my first WLS and he was definitely against the revision but he had no vote in the matter.  If I was given an ultimatum then there is no doubt what my choice would have been but then I don't do ultimatums well no matter what they are about.  I will take advice, suggestions and whatever but I will not be threatened in anyway in order to do what someone else wants me to do or not do.
I wish I could tell you to go ahead and he will eventually come around but it sounds like he may not.  Is he always that closed minded?  I just can't understand someone not wanting the best for their partner even if they don't agree.  Hasn't he seen the struggles and pain you have lived with?  How could he not want to see you feel better even if he thinks you should be able to do it another way?  Doesn't he think you have tried every other option you could and this isn't something you are taking lightly?  

I'm very sorry you are having to deal with this.  I was lucky.  DH wasn't thrilled but he knew that if I was going to do it, I was going to do it.  He still, even after living with me through and post surgery for 2 yrs, doesn't totally understand the surgery or after life but he supports me and loves what it has given me.

I'll be swinging for you. 

 Wow - just WOW.  Amazing he would give you an ultimatum about this.  

His reaction can be from a couple of standpoints:  He's scared about surgery, he's controlling, or he's insecure/afraid what will happen to HIM when you lose all that weight, feel better about yourself and become even more outgoing.  A lot of spouses can't handle that and marriages break up because of it.  

My ex-hubby was a very passive person and I just told him I was doing it, but that's how I forged through life anyway.  He was very helpful, supportive and went to a couple of meetings with me. He knew better than to throw the ultimatum out there, and he knew he wouldn't win....  

You need to get him into counseling - and if he doesn't go, before your surgery, give HIM the ultimatum.  Tell him it's a 2 way street.

Good luck!

I am really sorry you are going through this stress. I know, for me, it was difficult sharing my decision about having weight loss surgery with those who care about me. Like Tazz said, my guess is that he is very threatened by the idea of surgery...why only you (and he if he is willing to explore) can figure out. WLS is not a wacky, bizarro decision....this is becoming THE way to treat obesity and many on biggest loser regain (as many of US have as well). I would suggest letting this sit for a few days and then YOU exploring what is best for you. If he is willing to throw away a marriage over you making a decision about your health...this isn't good in the long term no matter what. Hopefully with some time and communication you all can make a decision that is best for you.

Many blessings being sent your way regarding peaceful healing for you both....do NOT let this deter you if you feel this is the best decision for you...

~~Jennifer