OT I Feel Like A Terrible Person

So I told you all how my had talked with my ex husband the other day and while we were talking he said something about how he always loved me.  That was awkward and not my intention when I talked to him.
I have been online friends with his daughter for years and while I always asked how he was doing I never tried to contact him or renew a relationship.
Now he is messaging me and I don't know how to handle it.  He even messaged me on Facebook while I was at lunch and I  have my Facebook messages come to me on my phone and I was out to eat with my boyfriend.
I haven't told him I have a boyfriend.  He had asked if I was single and I said I was but that is what I always answer because I am not married and not living with someone.  I have a strange kind of relationship with my boyfriend.  We've been together for years but only see each other weekly usually and don't have any long term plans.  We both agreed that we weren't really interested in getting married or living with someone at this point in our lives and we are going to stay together as long as we both are comfortable with the relationship but I told him that if I ever got to a place in my life where I wanted more of a commitment I would have to move on.  I am not there and I don't anticipate that happening until my youngest is out of my house.  I am just too busy with her at this time in my life to have time for a full time relationship.
Anyway, the truth is, even if I didn't have a boyfriend I wouldn't be interested in getting back with him, mainly because he smokes pot and I don't and I don't feel comfortable being around people who are using.  My friends are mainly clean and sober since I am in recovery for many years.  His drinking and drug use made our marriage intolerable and I decided then that I would never get involved with someone who used drugs or abused alcohol.  My boyfriend drinks but it's not often or too excess.  My ex husband drank every day and got drunk every day.  That is his business now and I don't care but I would never get back with him because of it.
So anyway he wants to get together for lunch.  I decided that would be a good time to let him know how I feel if he pushes for a relationship.  My daughter will be there, too.  I just feel bad because his wife passed away about a year and a half ago and his mother just passed away a few weeks ago.  That was the main reason I talked to him, to offer my condolences.  I realize he may not be in a good place emotionally, I guess, and I really don't want to hurt him.  I like the guy and don't mind being friends but I don't want him to get any ideas that I would get back together.  I know he is looking for someone serious because he just posted a status on his Facebook a few weeks ago about how he is looking for wife number 5.  Yes, he was married twice since me.  I don't know if he was kidding but I suspect not.  He really is the type that likes to be married, mainly because he wants someone to cook and clean and I am just not there at this time in my life.  I don't have a domestic bone in my body at this point, which is why I prefer to be single and live alone with my daughter.
I kind of know what to say I just don't know how to say it without hurting him.   I also have a really hard time rejecting men and saying no to them.  Probably the main reason I married my first husband.  I didn't want to hurt his feelings.  I swear to God.  I know how stupid that sounds now but at the time it made sense.  I guess it's from being overweight and feeling like I didn't have the right to turn someone down because there wouldn't be that many guys interested in me.
Anyway, sorry for the book.  I'm just trying to gear myself up for this.

The kindest thing your can do is be honest and straightforward with him. Do not get involved with him again but let him know no hard feelings.  2 cents.

--g

Better to hurt his feelings early than give him false hope. 

I get where you are coming from though.  Feelings are funny things.  You can't just turn them off when it is best for you. You can accept them and do the right thing for yourself despite the feelings.

Kay

 Better to hurt his feelings early than give him false hope.  


I completely agree with this.  If he is truly on the lookout for 'wife #5,' make sure he realizes up front that person will NOT be you, otherwise I can see a world of hurt for everyone down the road.  And with someone like this who may not take a gentle hint, I'd be completely straightforward and say it as it is, preferably in front of a witness. 

Here is my 2 cents worth.  I would not go to lunch with him.  I would let him know that you do have a boyfriend and just would not feel comfortable meeting him.  I think that would let him down gently and not get you so wrapped up in his life. 

Good luck.

Linda

Honestly, I wouldn't go to lunch with them.  It will be even more difficult to say those things in front of your daughter.  Be honest and upfront with him, and tell him this is for the best at this point. 

Good luck!

I think agreeing to go to lunch with him might give him false hope and if you have trouble saying no to men I think doing it in person would be harder.  Does your DD want you to get back together?  Doesn't your DD know you have a boyfriend? I'm surprised he doesn't know if his DD does,

(((HUGS)))

My daughter doesn't want us to get back together but she would like to see him again.  He was her stepfather for a while.  He's not her biological father.  He passed away when she was 4.
What kind of bugged me is I told my boyfriend all about talking to my ex.  He didn't even bat an eye.  Didn't ask any questions, just kind of said that's nice and that was it.  I don't know if he is so secure with me that he doesn't even question my fidelity (which I have never given him any reason not to) or if he just takes me for granted or he just doesn't really care.  He has a lot of big things going on in his life and he's been very distracted and not very attentive lately.  Perfectly understandable and I don't bother him about it but it does make me feel unimportant to him.
Anyway, you all are right.  I need to make things clear to him before I see him in person, if I do.  I don't want him to have any thoughts of us getting back together because that just isn't going to happen.  I would be friends with him but to tell you the truth I wouldn't lose any sleep if we weren't friends.  We've been divorced for years and I've lived with it.  I do like his daughter, though.