How do I tell him?

So my surgery is set for 2/29 and I have yet to tell one family member - my dad.  I love him to death, but the man can be very difficult to deal with.  He's a 26-yr Navy veteran and hard as nails.  Anyway, I haven't told him yet.  I've decided to email him but can't seem to find the right words to tell him what I'm doing and why.  Honestly, I really don't want to deal with anything negative coming out of his mouth.  His words tend to be very hurtful and I've been an emotional wreck as of late.  On the flip side, I don't want to leave him out of it because my mom knows.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?  How'd you break the news?

Sorry, but I wouldn't tell him yet. I work with 30-year veterans...I am a 30-year veteran. lol  Tell him after and tell him you made the decision by yourself and for yourself, when the time is right for you.

--gina
 

You know, Gina, my little sister told me to send the email the morning of surgery.  I think I'll go with your suggestion though.  I'm just not ready and thinking about it is stressing me out.

I believe Gina is right on target. Waiting to tell is also symbolic of how you are making this decision for yourself. It seems to be a good move all around.

I'm just not sure. I told my brother a week before mine and he was as negative as I figured he would be but It was a relief to get it off of my mind.

I told my mother 2 days before - as I knew she wouldn't have anything positive to say about it - and I was right.  I still hear snarky comments on occasion.

You really want to tell him in person, or at least on the phone.  Don't do an email - that is too impersonal.  That way you can see his facial expressions or at least hear what he is or isn't saying.  Have yourself prepared - do it when you're NOT emotional.  Just stand your ground and he will respect you for it.

Good luck!

It is amazing how difficult it can be to tell our families about our choice. I really struggled with this. I told my mom (who told my dad) but I took the chicken S**t way out and emailed my siblings. Like you I was afraid of reactions. I did send the email out before surgery. To me, email helps with the reaction not being so personal. My dad is also a veteran and I was surprised by how supportive my parents and siblings were about my choice. If this is stressing you out, let it sit for now. Once surgery takes place, people's opinions won't matter too much. It will be a done deal. My dad now calls me slim every time he sees me.

Good luck!!!

~~Jennifer

{{{Like}}}

I think we sometimes lose sight of the unconditional love that parents have for their children...especially our OWN parents.  We are worthy of that kind if love!

Kay

My dad is a 28 yr Navy vet.  He isn't the negative or hurtful type.  He does ask the hard questions so he can understand.  I didn't tell him until after the surgery.  I actually called him from the hospital and told him that I had the surgery and I was doing fine.

My dad was 83 at the time.  I really didn't want him to worry about me and my decision.  Weight Loss Surgery seems like an extreme solution to a weight problem ... from people who aren't informed.  The only gastric by-pass people he knew were from TV, you know the super morbidly obese.  Here I am a lightweight with a BMI of 40.  Also my mom died in 2001.  He can't stand the thought of losing someone else close to him.

I have a cousin who had a gastric by-pass as well.  She had been heavy her whole life.  She has had issues with food since her surgery.  She can't eat bread.  She really struggles with lean proteins.  The family has watched her from afar and judged her. They mostly comment on how she just doesn't enjoy food anymore.  She has done an amazing job, especially considering where she started.  She looks great and her health has improved.  She doesn't care about enjoying food.  She cares about extending her life to enjoy her grandchildren.  She introduced me to OH and has been a strong supporter.  Her BMI was significantly higher than mine when she had her surgery.  Putting us side-by-side, my dad didn't get my decision. 

I had a strong advocate in my sister who lives close to him -- like you have with your mom.  He called her right after I called him.  She helped him gain an understanding of what it was doing to my health ... diabetes, high blood pressure, knees, CPAP.  They had watched me struggle with my weight through out my military career.  They saw the toll the emotional stress put on me too.  I want to have an active life in retirement...travel the world with DH and play with my 10 grandkids (8 at the time), WLS was the tool to help me get there.

I think he grew to accept my decision.  I don't know and don't care if he approves of my decision. (I was 45 at the time.  Parental approval is not a requirement for me these days.)   He is certainly happy with my results.  I love him dearly!  He has been a great friend and mentor in my life. 

The family is meeting in Tucson in April to celebrate his 85th birthday.  His first concern was if I could eat the food there.  I'm 17 months out.  I can pretty much eat anything and have at his house.  I'm so very grateful that he cares enough to be concerned.

Kay

I had the hardest time telling my mother. All my life she has nagged me about what I ate, when ate and how I needed to lose weight. She now lives down the street from me because my father has Alzheimer's. My husband and I eat over therea couple times a week so. Had totell her as iwas preparing for surgery because now she kept saying have you eaten enough, don't you want desert! I tell you, from one extreme to the other! I haven't had a desert in over two months now and what a difference when I grew up with you have desert every day!

She has excepted it, asks questions, but I still hear a couple snide remarks every once in a while, but nothing like I used too.

And, I didn't have to tell the rest of the family because my mother did it for me. When I got enough courage up to tell my brother, he said yea, mom told me! I had even told her that iwas not telling everyone!

In the end I am glad I told her because it kind of put her in her place so I am not so stressed over her anymore.

I too would never tell a family member by email.