Mom's transfer addiction

Hey everyone, I know I've been gone for a long time; but living out in the middle of the boonies trying to build a cabin so we don't spend another Alaskan winter in the wall tent has been taking up most of my time :D  I'm doing well, all my blood work has been fine; and as long as I keep up with the PPI meds, my weight stays where it should (instead of getting drastically underweight like my first winter!!). All is well with me, in any case! Nearly 4 years out and still doing great. Should finally get moved into the cabin in a few weeks as well, before the snow flies at least!!

Anyway, I just found out from my Dad & sister that my mother, who had a VBG several years ago, has now become an alcoholic and is suffering from major vitamin/mineral deficiencies which has resulted in needing frequent iron infusions and whole blood transfusions. My sister knows that I've gotten RNY, but my parents don't. I'm so frustrated with my mother, and very worried about her health. To be honest, I'm more worried about the impact this has on my Dad & sister, since my mother knows full well that what she's doing is not good for her, especially not after WLS (she used to be a paramedic and a nurse). Since I'm 3k miles away, there isn't much I can do directly, except give advice and moral support. But at least I can come to you guys for a little support when I need it :)

I feel a little bad/mean that I'm angry at my mother for this new issue. But I'm also mad at her doc for even allowing her to have this surgery given her history of addictive behavior and depression regardless of the fact that she was SMO and suffering serious related health issues. And then I'm mad that she is given every opportunity to succeed and work on her isues, and she continues to not take care of herself and wrap the whole family up in her drama. Yeah, part of me is concerned for her health, but a large part of me just wants to go beat some sense into her... and beat some sense into my father who won't put his foot down and force her to go into rehab.

I know it's hard for many folks to deal with their emotional issues, especially eating disorders and the transfer addictions after surgery. I'm not totally heartless. BUT this is costing my folks a lot of money they don't have in medical bills, not to mention that she's driven drunk and wrecked 3 cars so their vehicle insurance is crazy expensive... how she's managed not to be arrested for DUI and had her license revoked is a miracle that defies explanation.

*SIGH* I guess I just needed to vent in a safe place.

Hi there, Plickety.  I've been keeping up with you through your Alaska Blog. You guys have done a great job out there. I hope all goes well with the cabin and you can get moved in before the first snow and major freeze.

What can you do? Your dad sounds like he's in denial or something. Your mom needs help. I'm so sorry your family is going through this and I don't blame you a bit for being angry. Come and vent any time. It's still safe here. We also have a LW private group on Facebook and you're more than welcome to join us. Let me know your FB account name and such and I'll add you.

Good luck with all your cabin plans. Keep us posted.

((hugs))

--gina

LOL Gina, you ought to know I'm not social enough to be on FB 

Miss you PC.

Addiction is so consuming for the person and the whole family.  I see you so wanting to make it different for her and the family but until she is ready, no amount of rehab or anything else will do much.  About all you can do is take care of yourself.  Find an AA group or Alanon (sp) who supports the family.  Your dad is pretty much enabling but that is pretty typical. 

I can send hugs   , swing lizards, and hope that you all find the help and support you need to deal with the situation.  And that your mom doesn't hurt some innacent person while driving drunk. 

Get that cabin build so you can stay warm this winter. 

Sorry your family is going through this.  I remember reading how easy it is to have the transfer addiction after surgery.  I know I have the OCD and addictive personality(grandfather alcoholic - brother alcohol and drugs).  I have not touched nor do I intend to touch alchol after my surgery.  There was a girl on the RNY board who used to post about her transfer addition(alcohol) and her struggles with it.  I can't remember her name, but it was very interesting.

I hope your mom can get the help that she needs.

Good luck on moving in your cabin before the snow starts.

Linda

Hi Plickety!  Long time!

Sorry to hear about your mom.  Its hard to see our parents having problems/issues when we live so far away, and there really isn't anything we can do about it.  I'm in the process now of trying to decide if I'm going to move closer to my folks and get a place we all can live.. only reason for that is because my Mom's mental healthy seems to be deteriorating and she's the primary caregiver of my dad, who can't take care of himself. 

Sorry to hear you're going through this.  (((HUGS)) to you and please post the link to your Blog, I know I read it once a LONG time ago but don't have the link anymore.  You also can make a FB page just to play with us once in awhile!!

There is absolutely no way I would ever even consider moving closer to take care of my parents or let them move in with me again (been there, done that, not a good experience). My sister and I have discussed it, and she's the one on the hook in that regard. If something should happen to my mother, and my father needed some assistance, I'd consider building him a small cabin of his own on our acreage if he didn't want to stay in the Lower 48 with/near my sister... but Mom is definitely not invited to our peaceful corner of the world. I divorced her years ago, and I stand by my decision. Callous, I know, but one of the great benefits of having Asperger's is the ability to not let emotional expectations make your life decisions for you. Mom is toxic, and her drama day-in and day-out would drive me completely bug nuts (as it already did once).

Anyway, you catch up on our Alaskan Adventure on our blog at http://www.jenninewardle.com

With any luck, we'll finish the floors this week and be able to move in shortly thereafter. Tent life is getting just a little old now!

My mother has had substance abuse issues of some sort as long as I can remember... rotating between drugs, alcohol, and food. In my recollection, it seems the only times she was almost normal weight was when she was hooked on something other than food. It's sad really, because there is definitely some strange genetic component to our obesity, as my sister and I both have our weight issues but don't share the food and substance abuse issues. Both of us are into serious organics and raising/growing our food, never got into drugs, and got over any alcohol infatuations in our early 20's once we grew up a little and realized it wasn't cool.

My father used to be a low-level maintenance alcoholic... the "must have 3 scotches a night" type. I guess he feels like a hypocrit being upset with Mom's drinking now. But at least going through this with her has cured him of any desire to drink himself. But there is definitely some weird codependency crap in their relationship in any case.

I firmly believe my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, and it makes living with her a nightmare at times. She's been depressed and passively suicidal for my entire life. There are times when I wish she would just get up the nerve to really do it, because getting this surgery and letting herself die slowly of malnutrition and substance abuse because she won't take proper care of herself is plain pathetic. I really wish she had gone through my doc's process, because there is no way she would have passed his required psych and nutritionist pre-qualifications. At the very least she would have had proper motivation to get the help she needs in order to get the surgery she wanted. It's people like her that skew the statistics and make it more difficult for the rest of us to get insurance coverage for WLS... and that makes me irate.

Arg! Family drama!! And people wonder why I ended up living in the sticks in the middle of Alaska!

Your mom sounds a lot like my grandfather (except for the WLS) including that the family gets mad at the other spouse for not "making" the addict get treatment and definitely with the crashing of cars but never getting a DUI.

There really isn't much you can do about it. My grandfather was a practicing alcoholic for decades before he found a program that clicked with him and finally got sober. It's not like he didn't try other programs before, either. Who knows why the one that worked, worked and the ones that didn't, didn't.

There isn't much you can do and divorcing yourself from the person and situation is often the only sensible solution. You definitely don't want to enable them or have them pull you down with them.