ot: what to do????

 i have been under alot of stress right now ... we found out my 17 yr old dtr was smoking marijuana, found pipes in her room n told by hger friends she may be trying hells bells again. so we called the police and she came at me n startedcussing at me i told her drugs not allowed in my home, police came n did nothing so she was laughing in my face. next morning she runs away, i call police they say tired of dealing with my dtr over past 3 yrs i say well what do u think im enjoying this i tell them she refuses to stay in the home i explained she over dosed and almost died abt abt 2yrs ago she needs help please at this point i cant keep her safe she needs to be put somewhere where she can get help... police tell me not there problem, they find her in the night n bring her home. my hubby and i try to talk to her in the morning but she tells us she wants to basically be homeless n just stay with different friendswhy cant we just let her live her life she says i dont wanna go to college i dont wanna do anything.. we said sorry but we never just gonna let u live on streets we love u. n we explain she can be killed or raped on streets. she dont listen n runs away agn abt 10 min later but decides to steal my sons $400 bike. we call police agn this time its runaway and theft. she has put us through so much over the past 3 yrs she runs away breaks into our home when we not there steals stuff, assaults people in the street the police do nothing to help us ... i got her into so many programs but they are volunteer and she refuses to go ... the only way i am gonna get help to save her life is if police arrest her and i can have her assessed mentally in there and then explain what i need to judge... its so hard i work with parents of kids with behavioral problems and i can help them  but i cant help my daughter... does anyone know what else i can try? my daughter says she hates me but i dont understand why, she only hates me when she gets caught. cuz we can be fine before ... i dunno just needed to vent... i worry abt her every minute of the day and night i wanna go look for her but she will become violent

You are in a very tough situation....unfortunately you may have to get to the point of tough love....if she refuses to be safe and cooperate with your rules, you may have to say she cannot live with you.  This is the toughest thing to do when you love someone....have you thought about al-anon groups....this might help you with loving her but also setting boundaries so you do not enable her behavior.

I wish I had some better words of wisdom. This is hard!

~~Jennifer

Oh dear honey my heart goes out to you on so many of these issues.  When my daughter was only 17 she wasn't on the drugs but was into self harming (cutting herself) and she would cuss at me and tell me how much she hated me and she used to try and fight physically with me too.  She would run away and police cannot help in this situation over here in Australia either.  In the end we had her taken to the mental hospital and had her declared a danger to herself and she was admitted for 8 weeks.This was the only way we could get her admitted.  Your daughter is a danger to herself and others while she is on the drugs.  I'm not sure how it works over there in the USA but maybe worth looking into.  This level of stress is certainly not healthy for you or your family.  Hugs & heart to you honey. 

Have her committeed and get the whole family into counceling.  As much as you love her, you aren't doing her any good by letting her run the house and your lives.  Sometimes they have to hit bottom to realize what they have.  You need help in dealing with the issues along with her and it will be hard for everyone. 

Sorry you are going through this and I wish I had magic good words but I don't.

My heart goes out to you.  My adopted daughter (now 21) went through, and put me through, several years of hell as well.  Sad to say, but the only way I got her help was to refuse to pick her up after one admission.  I knew I would be charged as abandoning her, but it was the only way the state would get her the help she needed.  It is still a bumpy road (recent set back because she stopped taking her meds) but she was able to graduate high school and hold down a job for a while. And we even have a relationship.

It took several years of counseling for me to reach an understanding of what I can and cannot do for her.  I can pray, love, cajole, threaten but none of that will help if she isn't ready. 

In the end, you need to look after yourself and the rest of your family.  Swinging the biggest lizards for you and yours
Janet

My heart goes out to you because I know what a tough road this is for you and your family. My son put me through a similar situation. I have been through hell and back with that boy but learning to set some boundaries in our relationship has helped. I cry every time I think of him because he has chosen such a hard road but it is his choice and I have to have respect enough for myself not to let him keep bringing upheaval and chaos into mine. It doesn't get easier but you get to the point where you understand that while you may not like the choices she is making you still love her and will be there for her as much as you can without hurting the rest of the family. Please remember that. You have family members who want and need your love right now. Your daughter will get it sorted out eventually but you have to take care of you and the rest of the family right now. If you want some ideas on what you can do please feel free to PM me. I have been through a lot with my son in the last 4 years and we are starting to have a better relationship finally so maybe something I have been through with him can help you with your daughter.

hi everyone thanks for the replies. i have come to the conclusion that i cant force her to do anything she will continue down her path of self destruction till she wants to stop. we did press chrgs for theft of my sons bike and are hoping police will pick her up and in juvenile hall i can request a mental health assessment... i explained to the cops that if she comes here i will refuse to let her in as my other children are scared of her and i have to protect them... i offered to pay for programs for her but she refuses so i guess all i can do is pray...