OT Going To California Next Week

 My sister finally got around to calling about her voucher so I am going to leave next Tuesday and I'll be coming home Thursday night.  Lot's of stuff going through my mind.
It is hard realizing I am going to say good bye to my mother.  I went through this with my father 4 years ago and by the time I got to California it was too late.  He was still alive but didn't know who anyone was.  I was told that just days earlier he was fine.
I don't want to say good bye.  I had a dream and in the dream I was just crying and crying but I can't cry when I'm awake.
I don't want to go alone.  I wanted to take my daughter but because of my sister taking her time I lost out on the good fares for her and it would cost twice as much and I can't afford it.
I haven't been wanting to eat but I have really been fighting the urge to smoke.  All I want to do is go to the store and buy a pack but I know I could never stop there and I don't think I can go through another quitting and I can't afford to support a smoking habit.  
Stupid ass thought went through my mind.  My mother was obsessed about me being fat as a child.  I always felt that she thought it made her look bad as a mother because she had a fat child.  She always expressed her dislike for fat people.  She always had a weight problem but she was never morbidly obese.  I think that is what she was afraid of, losing control.  Ironically, I guess she isn't able to eat now and is very thin.
Anyway, I was thinking about whether or not she would recognize me and if she did she would probably be happy that I am not fat any more.  At least I won't embarrass her any more, on her death bed.
Sorry I am being so morbid.  This is a tough one.  I have 3 daughters and I think the mother daughter relationship is the most difficult of my life.  It set the tone for all my relationships.  It is what I always go back to, even in my 50's.  My relationship with my mother has affected every relationship I have ever had, especially with my own daughters.
Anyway, I am going to pack up a bunch of my protein samples I have been collecting.  I have a hotel room and a car so I am set.  If I can't figure out the eating situation there at least I can have my protein drinks.

Sending you cyber hugs and positive energy to get through this rough time, Tazz. I guess we all face the loss of our parents sooner or later, and I'm not certain how I'll handle it either.

--gina

Hugs to you, LadyTazz...make sure you give her a hug if at all possible while you say goodbye.

While you are right that parent/child relationships are complex, losing your parent, ESP your mom leaves a big hole no matter your age. I lost mine in May 2002 and I still miss her. Heaven just doesn't have a phone cord long enough for me to talk to her one more time.

I hope you find peace.

Liz

Both of my parents are gone now and I still miss them.  My father died early, 49, so he never met my children or spouse.  There are still times I think, oh, I need to call Mom about that, and then realize she is gone. 
Hugs to you.  We try to prepare ourselves as best we can and still can't do it.  I hope in the midst of the pain, there are positives about the trip.  Glad you are able to go.

Sending a lot of positive thoughts and vibes.  This is going to be a hard trip--but I think you will be pleased you did it in the end.  My parents divorced when I was college age---it sucked even as an adult.  But my mom was with the most wonderful man (nearly 13 years together)---he treated her like she was a princess...it made me so happy that she was finally really happy.  My father is another story---he basically disowned me in college because I became his obligation.  As soon as he could not be involved he wasn't.  He remarried, and she's a ______________ so is her daughter.   My mom's partner just died this fall from cancer---it was fast (Feb-Sept) but that time was so difficult...hard to leave everyday not knowing if that was the day.  Perhaps my time working with terminally ill helped---but when I saw the end was near---I was so thankful I had gone back that one extra time just to give him a kiss and say I love you- even if he didn't respond.  It's hard, hard, hard...but I know that he knew I loved him (more then I do my own father).  He was like every other person---in perfections and judgments (very few)...but at the end nothing else mattered but his comfort and gathering our closure.  HUGS!

Lady Taz, I'm so very sorry you're going through this!  i lost my mom in 2006 and my dad in 2009.  you go and be with your mama!  my daddy was in a coma for the last 4 days of his life and they assured me that he could hear everything i said....so....i talked and he heard me!  he was in a hospice facility and i sat by his bed and talked to him all night the night before he died and i wouldn't trade that for anything in the world!  you go talk to your mama....you kiss her on the cheek and tell her how very much you love her!  you'll never regret any moment you spend with her!

praying for you!!!  ((((((hugs))))))

Take care of yourself and I'll be thinking about you.
Linda