OT - I feel like such a bad Mom

My 4 yr old daughter is VERY strong willed.  I have got books on the subject, trying to figure out what will work with her but cannot seem to get a handle on her bad behavior, throwing things, not listening to direction, hitting yelling back at me etc.  I NEED to nip this in the bud now, I do not want to have one of those children that call the shots in the house!

This morning we fought from the moment she woke up till 7:15 when we went out the door to bring her to daycare.  I still feel awful about it.  I don't know what to do when I am trying to get ready and out the door in the morning, so I yell and scream and make things worse by having a temper tantrum of my own.  I feel terrible, I threaten to take all her things away, and no friends come over etc.  I even in my furry said this morning, "I will let you go live with the animals in the woods if you are going to act like an animal".  I even spanked her tushy for throwing something at a glass mirror.... and I yell at her for hitting (what was I doing??!!)

I don't know, maybe I need a councilor... I feel like crying.  I do not know how to handle this, and I do not want us to have a bad relationship like I feel my Mother & I had while I was growing up.  All I remember of my Mom doing is yelling and screaming at me, and now I am doing that.

I am posting this here b/c I know a lot of you are Mom's and I value your opinions, and suggestions.

Wow - I'm sure there will be lots who will jump in with their experience and expertise. 

4 years old was such a long time ago for my kids - I barely remember that time of their life.  I did have a niece though that was like that - and I couldn't handle her either.  Frustrated me to no end. 

I hope it something she'll grow out of - but I know you can't just let her continuously get away with it.  She's looking for attention - whether its good or bad. 

I'm a tushy spanker too and believe in it, but understand your contradictory feelings regarding "do as I say, not as I do". 

Hang in there - you'll get some good responses.

(((HUGS)))

We've all been there-hang in there!!  My ssister used to say, "the even years are the hardest".  I found that to be true!  Just when you think you have lost the battle, and you are about to hang out a white flag....it will change.  I swear they know just how far to push, and then....there is the little darling melting your heart and giving you the guilt of the mammy!!  Take a big deep breath, shake off the guilt, say a prayer, and remember You ARE in charge.  
FYI:  What used to freak my kids out the most is when I got quiet....when you are so angry, you are beyond yeling.  When I would start to whisper, they new they'd better get a grip!!!!
I know this is very serious, but you WILL laugh about it in a few years....promise!!!
Carolyn

It appears as if it is a battle of control, kinda like with men when they are together.
Making sure she knows you are the Mom and not her is the best way to get control of it.

When the temper tantrums start let her know you will NOT let her throw the tantrums. If she throws something, MAKE her clean it up! Crying or not, does not matter if you are yelling but it is better if you are using a cool even tone. Everything does not stop when she throws her fits, she has to be made to realize that everything has a consequence NO MATTER WHAT! Hitting is not acceptable and if she hits, she does push ups. At least 10 (good number for her age), if she wants to be physical, she needs to be physical with herself, hopefully you sit there and count for her, make sure she is doing them, and doing the properly.

It has to be a constant way around the house, if you threaten to take something away, you have to follow through with it. If taking toys away, put them away where she can not see it, she will bug the hell out of you to have it back and NO is the answer, no matter what! If she continues to hound you about it, take something else, at this time let her know, keep it up and you are confined to the corner. ( or as I found, a corner NEXT to the TV with the favorite TV show and DARE them to look)

Ok I can ramble on for hours, I guess it is the Navy Brat, Navy wife and the correctional officer coming out of me. If you need some help I will be more than happy to give you my number or Private message me. Sorry

Good Reply that is what I did with my kids, neices and nephews.

I'm no expert, but here's my 2 cents.

Be consistent in how you interact with her.  Hitting gets the same punishment every time.  Temper tantrums get the same reaction every time. 

When I was struggling with my youngest who was ADD, I took a parenting class.  It was so worth my time.  I got some really great insight.  Check community education at your local school districts.

Kids don't some with a parenting manual and every child is different. Don't beat yourself up!  None of us are/were perfect parents.

Kay

Thank you all SO MUCH!  I love the push ups idea for hitting too Stacey!  I need to gain control and confidence in myself too...  if I let her know I feel defeated, than I will be!  I am going to take all your advice and be consistant too... I need to decide what I am going to do ahead of time, stay cool, and follow through.  Thank you all for taking the time to answer me, I really needed this today!  I knew you guys would be great help!

Remember that thru all this, YOU are the parent not her. Do NOT let her control your behavior. If you get so frustrated that you are yelling, it's time to step back and time out yourself.

And while you regain control, she can be in time out. DO NOT send her to her room as that's where all her stuff is. Make her sit on your bed, and she doesn't get off for a set amount of time, She is to have nothing to do but sit there. No books, no toys. It's to be no fun sitting there. For a 4 year old, 10-15 mins will seem like an eternity. As she gets older, the time gets longer.

If a morning routine is hard to get thru, maybe getting both of you up about 10-15 mins earlier will help so you  have time to deal with set backs. Also make sure everything is ready to go the night before so she knows what to expect, lay out clothes, decide on breakfast, brushing her teeth, etc.

I hope you make it thru...mine was 12 when she started...and we managed to make it, she's 25 now. :)

Mara I'm going to go in a different direction with my advice than others have.  I do agree with everything that has been suggested, however, have you ever thought that maybe she has some type of a behavioral problem?  Not just being a naughty child either, the things you say she is doing sounds like there is something else going on.  There may be things that are triggering this type of response from her that you aren't seeing.  She is at an age where communication is important and she may not have the words to express to you what it is she is feeling or wants so she acts out......my youngest has autism and when she feels like her attempts at communication have failed she gets very violent....I guess what I'm saying is that after you've tried some of the other suggestions made if you continue to have problems you may want to have her evaluated for a behavioral disorder, I'd hate for her to have some other underlying issue that goes undiagnosed because you feel like a bad parent of a rotten kid........which of course you're NOT!  Just try to keep your cool when she acts out.....staying calm is always going to extinguish the tantrum sooner.....speeking slowly, hugging her tight from behind while rocking her and speaking in slow short sentances with only the important words (like NO HIT, NO THROW) when she really goes off so she can't hurt you or anyone else and at the same time calming her down.....by doing this it will show her that you love her and want to hear her out. 

I deal with my 4 year old autistic daughter much better than I do with my 14 year old.......whom I could kill almost daily!  

You did say you fought with her in the morning to get out of the house.....I used to put my oldest to bed in her clothes for the next day because she was such a brat if I woke her up before she was ready......I left very early in the morning to take her to daycare, I would wake up and get myself ready and swoop her up out of bed and put her in her carseat without her batting an eye.....LOL  It worked out great until she got to big to carry.....LOL

Thank you guys!  I also created picture morning and bedtime routine charts today (yes at work...shhh!) Hoping that may help too.  So she can see visually what is expected of her.  She is very verbal and very analytical, so I don't think she has a problem expressing what she wants (or knowing how to).  I think it is definitely a battle for control as first suggested....definitely!  Her pedi told me since she doesn't have any siblings, she will do this with me.  I do not know how people have more than one child!! LOL