Good Morning. How do you handle friends who are non-compliant?

Well, up until about 10 months ago I was one of those non compliant patients. I did not go to any support groups or any online groups. I think I just tried to push the fact that I had WLS out of my mind. I didn't tell people because it was obvious that I had failed at it. I think my thinking was that since I had regained weight it was like any other diet I had been on and failed and I wanted to put it behind me. I really didn't give a lot of thought to the permanent changes that my body went through.
After I realized my health was affected I tried to have the surgery reversed but was told that it could not be reversed, only revised. That is when I realized that my body was different and always would be and if I wanted to be healthy I needed to make changes.
My sister had a RNY 9 years ago. She never made any real changes to the way she ate. I don't think she took any vitamins other then Flintstones, at least in the beginning.
Last year I told her that I was having more surgery and she told me that she had regained about 40lbs and was doing the HCG diet. She did pretty good with it but then she decided to go off of it so she could go on vacation or something. That was several months ago and I assume that things haven't been good since then. When I told her I wanted to come to California to see my mother she told me she had to have a procedure. I asked her what it was and she was very hesitant and finally admitted that she was getting scoped to see if her surgery was working.
I am wondering if she wants to have a revision because she knows I had one and she sees that I have lost my my weight again. She has always been pretty competitive with me and she gets jealous of me if I am doing better then her. It's like she is the older sister and she has to do better then me.
Anyway, when I try to talk to her about how she eats or her vitamins she gets very defensive. There is really no talking to her because she acts like I think I am better then her if I talk about eating healthy and taking my vitamins, even though she knows I got very sick because I didn't do those things.

I guess maybe the bottom line is you try, and then you let them make their own choices. I have some friends who had WLS and one totally does not follow the rules...I see her most days with what looks like a giant big gulp. On the other hand I have relatives who have not had WLS but who are eating themselves into a early grave.

If people can focus on taking care of themselves pre or post op....they would be healthier...but some folks have to learn the hard way. But it is the same with lots of things in life. Had a friend who was in a dv situation and kept taking the guy back....finally I just said, I know you will leave when you are ready and we decided to not talk about it. She got caught with all his stolen property and ended up losing her job and going to jail.

We can only make our own choices, set examples and love people....that is about it (but it is a lot)

deb366

PS. I think nagging sometimes makes people rebellious

I've got a very good friend who had her VSG 3 months before me and from the get go she has been eating nothing but junk and not taking any vitamins or calcium AT ALL.  She never lost much weight and has been regaining what she did lose.  She knows my routine of diet, exercise and supplementation, but I don't want to be preachy.  I'm scared for her health though and just try to set a good example.  I don't know what else to do!  I don't think she's been to a Doctor since about 6 weeks after her surgery almost 3 years ago...uugh...no vitamins, no protein, heavy carb based diet...a recipe for eventual disaster.  And, I joined a gym close to HER house so I could help her get started on some kind of exercise routine.  Well that lasted about 2 months and that was it.  So....I dunno.  Some people are just not cut out for this lifestyle...and a lifestyle it is!

Laura

Done wasting my breath.... I at first tried to council.  I now realize that they know the rules and still will do what they want.  I try to realize it's their life not mine and go on doing what's right for me and leave their life to themselves.... not worth stressing over them!

A few ladies at work have had RNY, one a year before me and is doing super. The other one had surgery a month after me and when I see her at break time she seems to be snacking on carbs alot (crackers,chips,etc) I asked her the other day how many calories she was eating and she told me she did not have a clue. Then she asked me if I kept "up" with mine, I told her I got in the shape I was in before by not counting calories etc and I wanted to do this "right".Don't know what I can do except be a good role model at mealtimes/breaks at work.
Brenda

A VERY interesting question .

After many years going out to eat with people after f2f OA meetings ( yes we DO that lol) I have a LOT of thoughts on this subject ,


Mostly that most people's goals are NOT mine. Their bodies are not necessarily like mine. If we are to remain friends I MUST keep a civil tongue in my head and not make faces when their full fat cheeseburger comes ..or judge them for eating french fries or WHATEVER .

The truth is the food we eat in SECRET is what kills us .

Ive yet to see a six hundred lb person eat a normal size meal in public .... they eat next to NOTHING then binge at home.

I let my friends eat in peace .

People who come from 400 lbs are usually very happy maintaining 200 plus . One day they may or may not want to commit to the tremendous everyday effort it would take to maintain 170 and an "in shape " looking stretchy size tenish body . BUT ITS NOT MY DECISION when or IF that happens !!!

I love and value my friends at whatever weight they are .

Sometimes their food choices bother me because im an overeater and im jealous . That is MY personal problem and I have to examine my side of the fence . Maybe Im jealous because Im not allowing myself to get enough out of my life as a Thinner person currently .

Then there are Other hesitations .

The Chinese say that if you save someone's life you are responsible for them forever . I do not want to advise someone casually to start down a course that they cannot continue to adhere to that will cause them yet another feeling of failure .

It might be more merciful sometimes to keep my mouth shut ...

***Like**  Excellent points, Ava.

I say "Live and Let Live" but if a hand reaches out for help... snag it!

P.S. **Like** Ava's most excellent perspective!

I think you have to let adults make their own choices. Sometimes it's easy to do and sometimes it sucks and is hard. But you can't make another person do something if they really don't want to.