Body Image -- Morning Ramble

As I progress through my WLS journey, it is amazing how my body image has changed. 

As is started gaining weight, I'd look at myself in the mirror from the front only and think "I look pretty good for someone my age.  Despite the number on the scale, I carry my weight well."  Most people call this DENIAL. 

I decided to have surgery when my doctor and my DH had heart-to-heart talks about my health.  (DH has never said a negative thing about my appearance.)  Once I made the decision, I really looked at my body.  Denial was gone and my self confidence plummeted. I beat myself up for letting my body, health, and confidence get to rock-bottom.

Fast forward to 5 months post-op...
I'm still obese, but really close to only being overweight.  I'm very proud of my progress so far and I celebrate the little things that feed my ego like compliments from DH, wearing clothes I haven't worn in years, and watching the scale move.  I still have body image issues.  There are days when I'm so proud of my success and you can see it in how I carry myself.  I look at the loss of 70+ pounds and say to myself, "I'm doing great."

You know what?  I still have days where I look at myself and think, "I'm huge!  How did I get like this?"  or "I'm not doing enough because I'm so heavy."  We all have days like this. 

For me , this surgery is a journey of self discovery.  I'm learning so much about myself.  I know it is ok to have a bad day/moment every now and then.  The good days far outweigh the bad.  I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be a twenty-something hard body.  I can be a 40-something confident woman who looks good for who I am.  I still want PS for my belly and my boobs (I think I'm starting a mourning period over my boobs, but that is a different topic.).  For me it is about being the best me.  It is not about being as good as someone else.  

There will always be thinner/smarter/prettier/younger/richer/fitter, but that's ok.  Embrace YOUR many fine qualities!

Kay

It is all in how YOU see yourself! You are doing an amazing job of losing weight, gaining your self confidence and looking great in the process. Hollywood puts out a person that is not "typical" we can only be the best that we are capable to be.
Im with you on the mourning of the boobs, I am definately going to have plastics when this is all said and done. I was new boobies and my belly done.

I think the psychological aspect of this journey is the hardest part.  Like you, I was in denial when I was overweight.  I knew what the scale said, but when I looked in the mirror as an overweight person, I wasnt critical of myself.  Fast forward now after loosing 130+ lbs and now Im very self conscious of how I look.  When I look in the mirror, I see the overweight Cindy looking back at me...... even though my shoulders & collar bones are nothing but bones sticking out.  Sometimes I can see the weightloss in pictures but donr like getting pics taken.  Im jealous when I see people posting before and after pictures.  I still HATE getting my picture taken.   I HATE when people call me skinny or want to discuss my weight loss.   I do my best to try to change the subject. When shopping, I still start in the Womens size section even though I havent wore those sizes for months now.   I never realized how much this surgery would mess with your head.   I hope my head catches up soon.   Cindy

Self discovery is pretty amazing.  I don't think I ever knew how fat I was until I looked at my neices wedding pictures.  I had stayed away from a camera so successfully with the only pictures taken were when I was in carriage driving competitions and those I looked at the horse and carriage, not me. 

I do a lot of bouncing around between, "I'm hot" and "I'm fat" these days.  At 62, no PS for me boobs or no boobs. 

I am really hoping for some redistributing in the end for the surface loose skin because that is more of an issue to me than any folds.  I know already I am going to have to look for 3/4 lengh sleeves for summer because of the arm skin.

I was 144 this morning.  That is only 4 lbs from my original goal.  With WW in the 80's I got to 128 for 2 days after Gall bladder surgery but couldn't maintain it.Maintained around 135 for a while before I started the road up again. So I was thinking 135-140 would be maintainable even with the extra skin.   Now I'm thinking I may go to 120.  Get a gold apple.  It seems so doable right now, when it seemed so impossible only a few months ago.

Kay

Unfortunately denial isn't only for us when we're heavy. I'm doing it a bit now.  I am up 10 lbs from my lowst weight and over my top threshold.  I look in the mirror and say "I still look pretty good" or "this is what I weighed in high school and thought I was fat" - BUT - its an attitude like that that will allow another 5 lbs to creep on, then another 5 pounds..

A few weeks ago BF and I made plans to go to DC for vacation the first week of April.  I had told him "lets both of us lose 5% of our body weight before we go".  That would put me back at 125 and him down 15 lbs... lets just say neither of us have really done anything about it, and I've been avoiding the scale...

So - as of next Monday (and I told him this already) we both will get back on track.  He has already decarbed and is feeling better about it, which is good.  I need to decarb and get exercising again.  I think I can do it now after the BL/BA.

This also doesn't allow me to go "hog wild" for the next few days.  I'm going to continue drinking my protein drinks, eating my protein and still watching what goes in my mouth overall. 

Just another point of view and perspective!

Kay, I totally relate to this post. I sometimes had a moment0 (pre-op) where I could look in a mirror and like myself ok (But it was usually when I was staring at my face, which is the only face I've ever had)! I vividly remember walking into any shopping mall anywhere, and cringing at my reflection in the doors on my way inside. I actually would mutter "fatso" to my own image. I want to point out though that I NEVER held against someone else THEIR weight! I can always see someone's beauty from within. I just cannot be as forgiving to ME. When I am overweight I just don't feel like that person is ME... does that make sense?

I too am enjoying the newer me, and am proud of this weight loss. Even how I look. Let's face it, at 45 years of age I will not resemble a 20 year old, but am enjoying my curves again (I do fantasize about new bewbies and a tummy tuck). It is definitely a journey and I feel so blessed to have a support network where we all are on a similar page, or at least can offer up a lending hand!

Kay, you are doing an amazing job! I am so glad to hear you are recognizing that. It's a step in the right direction.

Kim

This jouney is something, isn't it?  I agree with you about the denial.  I never felt like a fat person.  When I looked in the mirror on  a daily basis, I did not see myself as fat either.  I always thought of myself as proprotionately fat.  When I looked at pictures is when reality would hit me. 

Now that I have lost almost 50 lbs, its just the opposite for me.  I see my flaws so much more clearly...maybe now I am just more obsessed with the scale, mirror, clothing size etc.

I look at myself now and think of how huge I must have been in reality, because now after 50 lbs gone I am still "obese" and my body shape is horrible.

My self esteem was bad before but some how I think its worse now.  And being under the weightloss "microscope" does not help me.  But I am getting better about compliments.

Good Morning,

I always saw myself as fat, but didn't realize how crappy/fat I REALLY looked.  When I look back at the pre-op pictures in my profile, I'm blown away by just how fat I really was.  In those pictures I'd already shed 20 pounds so tack on even more distorted image.

I still see myself as fat, because I am.  I'm not at goal and still have a ways to go.  WW says I need to be 146 for Lifetime so I'm working my way towards that.  I go get weighed once a week on Monday nights, not because I don't weigh every morning, but because I want that long term accountability built in.

What I get to do every morning now (two full walls in my bedroom are floor to ceiling mirrors so no hiding possible)  is to stand in front of the mirrors, look at myself and say "for today I pray for the willingness to love myself unconditionally.  My intention for today is to treat myself well both physically and mentally and appreciate all of the goodness/abundance in my life".

I always saw myself as fat too, and I HATED myself that way.  

Even now after losing all the weight I need to lose I still look in the mirror and see a fat girl.  I don't think that will ever change for me, as every time I've lost weight in the past it's been the same. When I go clothes shopping I always grab sizes that are too big and have to go back and get smaller sizes.

 I always have to remember that the MOST  beautiful women  in the  world .. the ones the world REMEMBERS  are the UNIQUE beauties ....

the ones  with real features  ..like a beak of a nose  the young lady in question ( Lou Lou de Falaise ..  or just  Barbra Streisand ) learned to play up and dress around  rather than get chopped off  like most of her  peers ...

like Wallis  Simpson  .. who could DRESS  amazingly and make great  jokes but  bore a startling  resemblance to a monkey..

we're  talking SWANS .  U don't have to be perfect to be a swan ..  U don't have to be  thirteen  or even twenty- three  ..as a matter of  fact U start to be appreciated for Ur developed  sense of style and Conversation as an older beauty .... 

Noone  remembers  models .... they  DO remember self confident women of style  who embraced their features , their various ages  as they came along and lived life to the fullest .  

I think THE most attractive and engaging  quality in a person is a passion for life  .... 

that said  ...  I think we have a  strong  responsibility to OURSELVES  and our  admirers to be the best we can be ... to give them a great show worth seeing lol.... 

I know  a lot of  GORGEOUS  women  who are beauties  solely by the accident of birth  and are constantly playing it down until POOF  - ( very quickly )  it disappears .   Then i know others ( ok looking  but nowhere near as pretty as THEM ) like myself who  love beauty for its own sake and are willing to sacrifice for it ...  and  I  think  other people  think its cool that  I have other developed facets  like painting and gardening  and  work  that they didn't expect to see ...

Thats  the gift of being a formerly FAT  woman  LOL  !!  I think  having suffered imprisonment inside my own body for so many years  also taught my heart to be more sympathetic ,   a lot less judgmental  and possibly  even gave me a little wisdom .  I know I  value  every single precious day  of freedom and possibility now ... 

The thing  I really regret  was not making the most  of every day when I WAS plus size  ... why DIDN"T  I just embrace being full figured  and stalk the runways as  a size whatever  ?    Why did  I  feel miserable and  HIDE ?  If I  let "  fatism " deter me  before and get the better of me  once...  I'm DETERMINED not to let AGEISM  or someone else's cookie cutter cliched preconceptions about whats  pretty or suitable defeat me now  ...or  in the future ...  .  watch out world  .. here I come   flaws character and otherwise  and ALL ..but hey .. thats what makes me INTERESTING, right ?  ...