Rosa's Unhappy Update (Understatement)

Dear, Beloved Lightweights,

It's been so long since I've really checked in with you (outside of the fitness challenge, which, thank God, I've stayed faithful to).  I wi**** were for good reasons.  I suppose that, initially, it was, since I was off managing a fun dating life, or down in the Dominican Republic working out (or reading or sleeping on the beach).  Those were good times.  

OK.  This update is about to take a very sad turn, and I just want to warn you that if you are not in a place to receive really horrible news, or if you're finding yourself especially emotionally fragile, you will not want to read on.  

I decided that I should update you because I need some help pulling myself back on track, and I know you can help me.  And, since this is a fairly anonymous forum, I don't have to worry about you spreading this news, etc.  

So in my last update I told you about a guy I was all excited about.  He had the british accent, private chef, etc?  Remember him?  Well, we continued to go out since then, and got much closer.  I came to very much like him.  So.  On a date the other night, he sexually assaulted me.  Violently.  He doesn't like "connies" as he calls them, and wouldn't use one.  

For various reasons probably beyond explanation, I was in total denial that it happened for the first few hours after.  But by the next morning, I somehow was able to remember, called a hotline, and they sent me to the emergency department, where I spent the entire day working through the rape kit, setting up all the disease control stuff, starting HIV prophylaxis, using emergency contraception, etc.  Since I don't know anything about whether or not he was infected with anything (though he had earlier told me that he is clean and gets tested every 3 months - I just don't trust him), we just took the most aggressive course.  

I went to my hospital, which was a good move because there were a few things to consider with the dosages (also because they did an excellent job.  I didn't have to wait in the waiting room at all.  A social worker stayed with me the entire time.  The staff asked exactly the right questions and none of the wrong ones.  I received emotional support.)  For example, with the emergency contraception, we decided to use a double dose (taking the doses within 12 hours of each other) just in case malabsorption might not have delivered quite enough of the hormone.  The drug made me pretty sick to my stomach for dose 1, so I took an anti-nausea medicine for the subsequent ones.  I also took some pretty aggressive doses of various antibiotics for the STDs that can be knocked right off (GC, chlamidia).  

The HIV prophylaxis is much more complex.  Basically, it's an aggressive treatment of the HIV treatment ****tail of protease inhibitors.  And it makes people (including me) very sick.  So I've continued taking the anti-nausea drugs (same ones used for chemo patients before treatment) which make me very drowsy.  The ED staff told me that I probably just need to plan to be sick for the next 28 days, since that's how long the treatment needs to last.  The good news is that it's found to be very effective, and when this is all done, I should be just fine.  I'll still get tested at 1 month, 3 months and 6 months out, but the risk of "conversion" (as they call it) is incredibly low.  Thank God.  

Now, thanks to something - could be the meds, could be the stress - I'm kindof always hungry.  I'm trying to pack in the dense proteins first - at meals.  But I'm not drinking enough, mostly because I'm eating so often, and trying not to eat and drink at the same time.  I'm eating way too many white carbs because my very upset tummy likes them.  (My digestive system often feels as if someone has taken it in their big hands and wrung everything up like a towel twisted into a knot.) I have to keep something in the belly in order to not feel sick.  I'm exhausted all the time.  

Good news is that I am sticking to my workout commitments & my vitamin schedule.  As tired as I am, I am dragging myself to classes and to the gym.  This makes me feel empowered, and it helps build up the endorphins, too.  

It's just that I feel fat.  (OK, so because I couldn't take any more bad news, I haven't weighed myself since last week.  But, while typing this update I decided to, and I'm down 2 lbs.  Interesting.)  I still feel fat, though!  Maybe I mean sluggish.  I dunno.  I'm actually shocked right now.

Well.  That's my story.  I'm not feeling anything (but fat and tired).  My body still hurts - I'm still covered in bruises.  In fact, someone asked me about them at ballet last night, in particular this weird one on my shoulder where the mf bit me really really hard.  I'm sore, still.  Emotionally, I'm not in denial anymore, just numb.  And tired.  My hospital offers free counseling for several months, and I'm taking advantage of it with an amazing crisis counselor.

You might be wondering how to respond to this.  I can offer a few guidelines?  Please don't ask questions around what happened.  I hate talking about it.  Clarifying questions on the diet/medical stuff make sense to ask, though.  But more than anything, just send your love as you are able.  I'm grateful for this community, and will hope to continue to check in.  

Also, if anyone has any experience with super crazy drug treatments and how to manage the digestive issues/pain/discomfort, that would be really helpful to hear about.  

Thanks, everyone.  I love you very much.   

I seldom post but read often.  I usually feel my posts are boring and does anyone really want to read them. But I get lots from this site.  That said, I pray, and will continue to do so, that you will overcome all these pains/issues/etc and that with the counseling you might even be a better person once you've had time to heal and recover.
You were very strong to act on this.
God bless you my friend.
{{hugs and hugs and hugs}}

awwwwwww (((((((((((((())))))))))))))))) Dear Dear Rosa !!!!!!! I soooooo feel for U Hun .....

AND i Admire Ur Bravery Ur Courage Ur TOUGHNESS .... U go YOUNG BEAUTIFUL LADY ......

im so glad U took proper care of Urself even though it was hard and didnt just withdraw into denial .

In the end that will make U THINNER im sure ! And also more confident ;) ....

Right now I say give Urself a lot of Hugs a lot of well deserved treats

and never forget Ur our shining and we LUV U !! Sometimes these gosh darn ba....ds just cant STAND to see a strong , beautiful woman ..... oh id so LOVE to kick him where it COUNTS ......

one thing I'm pretty sure of though .... God has a way of arranging payback ....

Rosa, just sending you some love and hugs to get you thru all this. Liz

Oh, Rosa, I am so sorry for what you have been through.  I am also so proud of you for doing what you had to do to make sure you come out healthy on the other side of this.  Stay strong and remember that someday soon this will be behind you and you will move forward with your beautiful life.  I will keep you in my prayers. 

Beverly

Hey Rosa, i just want to pile on to what  Beverly said ... I couldn't have come up with better words for my thoughts.  Be strong

(((Rosa))) I've been worried about you and didn't know why.  We're just a chat button away if you want to talk.

Love you back, Rosa.

--gina

Rosa,

I am sorry that this happened to you. Hugs to you as you get through this.

So sorry this happened to you. Take care of yourself and don't be hard on yourself about the food right now.

  You came to the right place to express everything you needed to say! 

I'm so proud of you for doing what you needed to do to assure that you will remain healthy physically AND emotionally!!!  Karma is a B***H when it needs to be and that mans carelessness in choosing to do this to you a STRONG, FAITHFUL WOMAN will hopefully prevent him from doing this to anyone else!  Your devotion to YOU and your well being is what made you dial that number and your devotion to God and self is what will get you through this! 

I have no wisdom as far as diet and meds go but I'm swinging critters for you that someone here will have those answers for you! 

I'm always here for ya sista and you can always IM me here or on FB if you need to talk!  Stay strong and beautiful and never forget that is who you are!  AND HONEY YOU AINT FAT!!