yes, judging - but me or her??

Ok, last weekend I was at a bridal shower for DD's SIL (her husband's next oldest sister).  Just through serendipity, I wound up sitting at a table with 2 other women who'd had rny, one in 2000 and one in 2006.  DD came by and started laughing (she knows all 3 of us, but we had never met), and explained that we all had the same surgery.  Turns out we'd all lost 130 pounds.  I'm still there, the woman who had surgery in 2006 is 5 pounds up, and the woman who had surgery in 2000 is 60 pounds up.

There was a nice variety of food, I had a chicken thigh and some grapes and canteloupe, and then a small slice of venison sausage with cheddar cheese.  At the end I had a small piece of cake.  I did not feel put-upon, like I was left out of the food fun (there was oodles of pasta, cold salads, potatoes everywhere, starch dishes... much more! And several more desserts!), I just had what I wanted and was fine.  The woman who had surgery in 2006 ate about the same, but left before cake.

The woman who had rny in 2000 had a plate that was overflowing with starches, and went back for seconds.  She had a huge piece of cake.  She cheerfully said that she's not worried about putting the weight back on - if she hadn't had the surgery, she would have put 60 pounds on over what she was pre-op, so she's had a nice decade she didn't expect.

Now for the judging part.  It is totally her life, and I'm glad she's happy, and she's an absolute sweetheart.  But... I don't want that attitude to be me.  I worked too damn hard for this to just assume that it's only going to give me a decade. 

So for me, I am eating more, and I am allowing some starches back in to hold my weight where it is, but am I wrong for using this as an impetus to maintain rather than gain?

I am not sure you were judging her by your words.  Maybe in your heart? But not the words you used here. 

You saw something.  You choose a different path/mindset/point of destination.

I guess I figure whatever helps you achieve and maintain what you want (short of kitten juggling and puppy tossing) then, go for it! 

When I see heavy folks, I use that as a reminder.  I pray they find help if they want it, and I pray I never forget the short path to being there. 

Motivation comes from so many different sources!

I would be judging too, right or wrong. I also know a person who had RNY years ago, lost tons and re-gained tons. I feel like I have been given a second chance at a normal, healthy life and I don't want to waste it. I don't ever want to be fat again. I have changed everything about the way I eat, and working out has become a very important part of my life. If something every happened to me and I couldn't work out, I would definitely scale back the food in order to maintain. I don't think there is a problem with eating a normal, balanced diet, whi*****ludes the occasional cake, as well as some starches...as long as you can keep it under control. If these foods cause a binge or cause major cravings, etc, get rid of them. As we can eat more over time, we have to adjust the types of foods we eat accordingly. I like to eat. I guess it's the inner fat girl, lol. I can eat a lot more than I used to, so I started eating lots of raw veggies. Very few calories when compared to the volume. I look at my menus and have to make a choice 1 tablespoon of peanut butter or 2tbs of hummus with 2-3 cups of veggies. I have to be having a serious craving for a few days to trade a large amount of low-cal food for 1 cookie, etc.

I have a very close friend who had RNY back in 2002 and never got close to her goal. Last night I asked my mini-support group to welcome her when she moves back into my building (from Boston) next week.  The concensus of the group is that it's important for us to help her, if for no other reason than to help us remember that we want goal and staying there.  I think there's compassion more than anything else.  The saying "there but for the grace of God, go I" really rings true for me.  It could be any of us.

I don't think you're wrong for what you call "judging" Rebecca because you're not making judgements about her journey, but using it as "food for thought" about your own journey and how you want it to look.  I think that the support we get here is incredible and is what keeps so many of us on track.  The daily reminder that this is so important in our lives. 

It's really hard not to judge others because so often it brings up something in ourselves.  I think the real question is "whether she really is as happy as she says?"  I wouldn't be happy if I gained back 60 pounds.  I already feel like such a failure for not being at "goal" yet after 10 months.  Gaining would totally throw me under the mental failure bus.

It's hard not to "judge" your own choices by using the decisions of someone whose been in your shoes.  My best friend had Surgery in 03 and has put back on about 40lbs.  I look at her food choices and know that I can choose the same path she has.......lord knows it would be easy too since we pretty much do everything together.  I choose not to since I know where that path will lead me. It's painfully obvious when I see where my friend is and how unhappy she is with her weight gain.  The differnce between her and I is I know why she has gained the weight back and it's not just the 2 babies she's had since surgery.  It's the high carb, high fat protein choices, and straight up slider foods.  As much as I hate that my friend is sabotaging herself I can't let myself fall back into that lifestyle and I promised myself when I had surgery that I wouldn't! 

All I can do is hope that she will see my success and want to emulate my choices to get herself back on track.  She is going to have PS to remove her very large panni so I hope with that coming up she will take advantage of the time she has now to get herself into great shape so her PS is successful.

You were put into that situation for a reason and I think you walked away from it with a reassurance that your choices are the right ones for your long term goals!  Thank you for sharing this story it helps to be reminded that food is a slippery slope we all have to be careful around!

Thanks for the post!  I do not want that attitude to be me either.  I have been just holding my weight steady for the past few months due to my health issues; however I have the go ahead to get back to losing now.   I agree, I didn't have this surgery not to get all the way to my goal weight and keep the weight off.  I allowed myself to eat things the past few months that I had cut out.  I cleaned out the pantry and refrig of the "forbidden" foods (things I can't handle having around) for me.   The encouragement of Leightweight friends help to keep us on track!

Linda W.

 I know  a LOT  of people  through  OA  ( and also out of OA) who had bariatric surgery many years ago  up till now .    Frankly  , for many its  NOT  a  fix all AT ALL .

Its  very sad to see friends  still struggle with  excess weight and ill health  years  post ...  and  know that not much can be done to help  at that  point .  

I think the surgery gives us a CHANCE  at lasting , permanent weight loss  which is  totally unlike say , a diet .    What we do with that  chance is up to us .

I personally  cant  see eating ANYTHING thats  going  to sabotage  my new body .   Why ?   Its just NOT WORTH IT  . 

I dont  want my diabetes back ...but more to the point i dont want my MISERY back .  

I WASNT a  " happy  " fat girl lol.  I was straight up  MISERABLE  and totally uncomfortable in my  bloated  and dilapidated body .  

I truly dont see excess food addiction as " fun "  in any way  , binging as  entertainment anymore  or even an effective distraction...

I d much rather have a GOOD LIFE  !!  

I would bet that lady i snt anywhere  near as happy and content as she pretends to be ...  but in any case  she doesnt have to be YOU  . 

 hugs Ava 

Thanks, all! You all stated my dilemma so much more eloquently than I did!

I LOVE this board!

I'm really falling in love with it already too! 

What is the saying, "Don't compare your insides to somebody else's outsides" (for never the twain shall meet... my own addition)...

Personally, I think the best feeling in the world is the inside of my thighs wrapped around the outside of a horse's back!!  and THAT my friends is my goal!!!  LOL