Getting Outed

I have not been public with my surgery besides at work.  I work an hour away from home and knew that my co-workers would know if something was up.   I had another co-worker who had surgery a few weeks after mine so I did "come clean."  I have gotten mixed reactions, but I am okay with that because everyone has an opinion, right?

I have only told a select number of people about surgery.  I do not want to out and out lie when someone asks me about it so I imagine then I will be truthful. 

I was outed by more than one person last week.  My husband asked his mom who had told his SIL.  It was his other SIL.  She sent me an e-mail apologizing.

I sent an e-mail back and in hind sight wish maybe I hadn't.  The tone of e-mails can always be misconstrued.  I wish I had just waited until I was calm enough to pick up the phone.

 Can you please critique my response and help me have replies ready to defend myself?  This e-mail was not written with any malice or ill intentions.  Whats done is done, I just have to deal with that, learn the lesson and move on.

"Its okay. I should have known better than to tell anyone anything that I did not absolutely want anyone else to know. When I told you guys I thought I was pretty clear about keeping it in confidence. I thought I was clear about this to everyone I told. This last week I have felt betrayed by a few people who took it upon themselves to tell others. It was not just you, but by the time Christmas Eve rolled around that was the last straw.

Bottom line is that I was reminded that if something is important enough to preface with "I am not telling anyone about this" than it is important enough to not share with anyone. Lesson learned the hard way.

I tried to make my plate look as normal as possible and Jeremy and I sat in the living room so that no one would see my lack of eating and gave most of my food to Jeremy. I tried to eat chips and dip in front of everyone to appear like nothing was wrong. I go to great lengths to hide this no matter where I am.

I am for the most part a very private person. I do not open up to many people about much in my life. I may share thoughts here or there. I have chosen not to tell the world about my surgery. I had came to the decision that I am not going to. I am losing weight slow enough most people do not see me often enough to realize how quickly it is coming off anyway. There are only a handful of people who know. I do not like the way people react who know. I don't go out with friends anymore because they start to get down on themselves for eating tiny portions when I can only eat 3 bites. I never want anyone to feel bad about their normal habits when my are anything but. Among those who know it is mostly what we discuss. I do not want my life revolving around this. It does not define me and I feel like it is.

It is embarrassing to me that I could not control myself to the point that I had to get 75% of my stomach cut out to get to a healthy weight. I don't think anyone should be ashamed of the surgery, but there is such a stigma about it. Maybe in time I will be ready to speak about it, but for the time being, I am no longer discussing my weight loss, food choices, general health with anyone but my surgeon. I have never been good at taking compliments and the constant attention and compliments bother me.


I accept your apology. "

This was my initial e-mail "I should have told you guys when we were talking about weight loss surgery last night.  But I am not ready to go public with this yet, so please keep it amongst yourselves. I am not sure when or if ever I am going to be willing to fess up to others. Your among the few that know now-Jeremy, My mom, Amber, Aaron, and Jennifer."

And she agreed to keep my secret.



Is I am no longer discussing my weight loss, food choices or whatever it may be except with my surgeon/nutritionist acceptable or is there a nicer way to say it?

I love this site because it helps me remain anonymous and I can reach out for advice.  This makes it easier on me because I do tend to keep things private.  And I know how supportive this board in general is.


 

   

i know its hurtful when someone tells something told to them in confidence.  i told a friend who then told several people.  i was so very angry and hurt.  then i realized that my friend is my friend and she's always been like that.  and....in knowing she's like that and telling her anyway....well...it was my fault that others know because expecting her not to blab is like asking a leopard to change its spots.

after that i told people on a "need to know" basis.  only 1 co-worker, my supervisor, my hubby and son and.....the friend that blabbed.  and i may be looking at this all wrong.....my surgery was 6/21/10 and so far i've lost 91 pounds (woohoo!) and when someone asks what i'm doing i say i drink a protein shake for breakfast and eat low carb/high protein the rest of the time.  that is being honest.  i don't feel like not telling about my surgery is lying to them.  i might have a sinus infection or yeast infection or something and when asked how i am.....if i say "fine" and choose not to tell about my little issues....i just don't believe it's lying.  some things are just very private and personal and we can decide if its to be told or not.  i actually had a bladder issue about a year ago and chose not to tell others.  some things are just better when kept to yourself.  i am totally honest about what i eat or drink when i'm asked.  if i'm ever asked if i had surgery, i certainly won't lie about it.  i'll either say yes or i'll say that's personal and i'm not going to talk about it but i'm not going to lie.

and....there have been times that when someone really, really overweight talks about my weight loss, i will wait til we're alone and share with them that i've had surgery.....just to let them know i've been where they are and i know how it feels to be where they're at.

i think you're email response was great.  it honestly shows your hurt and disappointment while explaining why you want this to remain private.  sending blessings and well wishes your way.  i know you're hurt and disappointed but don't dwell on it.  this weight loss thing is time consuming enough on a good day.  don't let this pull you down. 

jenni

Quite frankly I think what you wrote was very well put and conveyed exactly how you felt.  I don't think you were out of line at all.

I wouldn't apologize for sending it.  The trust you put in them was compromised and they need to know it wasn't acceptable.

You did good.  And you're exactly right - when you're ready to share your journey, you will be in the position and more comfortable to do it - like I've always said, its easier to tell after you lose your weight and are healthy because people can't argue with success.

Your email was well written and clearly heartfelt.    I, too, have kept my surgery very private.  I learned through my divorce a few years ago that its much better to keep things to myself.  Hard lesson learned.  Luckily I do not see people who don't know but might wonder very often and just attribute my weight loss to diet and exercise. 
I have many times been sorry for sharing and rarely for NOT.  You stood up for yourself.  Well said.
 

I agree with others that your email and your chosen word were PERFECT!  Don't feel bad because  someone else betrayed your trust!
You may have seen my posts about my coworker and friend Mary who had surgery on Monday.  She had kept her decision to have surgery from EVERYONE.  She told her husband 2 weeks before because he has a big mouth.  He and I would have been the only 2 that knew except her mother was in town and needed to take her to the hospital or she wouldn't have known either.  Mary knows about my posts on her progress and is fine with it because she knows it's anonymous and that this is where I get all "my wisdom" to be able to answer her questions.......LOL  I've told her she won't beable to hide the surgery for long from our co-workers and in time she will tell everyone. 

I'll be honest I've never understood the choice to keep the choice to have WLS a secret.  However, I AM AN OPEN BOOK!  I remember when my best friend had WLS and she didn't willing tell people she had made that choice it would irritate me because I knew.......So when I made the decision to have it I shared it with everyone, I have no problem telling people why this person who they all thought wasn't "big enough" for WLS WAS and needed it!  I think my openess put me in the place I am now where I am just considered ME not the girl who had WLS the questions have stopped and I get the occasional "are you planning on losing anymore?"  Which is fine because honestly it's a question we all would ask if we knew someone who was dieting and exercising.  There isn't a stigma attatched to the surgery like there used to be and I've found most people are accepting of a persons choice to have it!

I know you have chosen to keep your surgery private and I support that. but I can't wait until you have the confidence to scream it from the rooftop! 

I think you expressed yourself very well and if your family knows you, I am sure she wont be too surprised.

Glad you have us to talk to.

Maria

 My way of dealing with all of this  would be  to  be to  say bald facedly   U mean my HIATAL HERNIA SURGERY  ?!!  

 U ust be kidding .... of COURSE  thats not for weight loss.....lol .. thats  because i had a hiatal  hernia that was giving me chronic acidrefluxthat  was making me overeat.   Now im sewn up ...  my stomach  is no longar in my esophagus , my stomach acid no longer irritates me constantly .... and  because i was  cut open its major surgery so i can only  eat liuids and a tiny bit of solid  f solid food fora long time .  
 
BUT its NOT weight loss surgery  !!!!!  Where  did You  GET that CRAZY idea !!!  


LOL

Thanks for the support and kind words ladies.  I feel much better about the situation. 

My MIL is coming over tomorrow to see our new puppy and I hope all goes well.  I am hoping this will all blow over and be a distant memory.

I think most of my anxiety comes from the diffiuculty of dealing with in laws.  My mom told my step grandparents, who I am not close to at all.  I had no trouble dealing with her and telling her exactly what I thought and exactly how it would affect our relationship.  But our relationship is one guided by love, history, and familiarity.  When you deal with your own family its easy.  There is no sugarcoating and for me  that makes it easier.  My inlaws have only been in my life a few years and we are still getting to know one another.  A process that will be guarded from now on on my part.

I am ready to put this incident behind me, take what I have learned, and move on.  But that does mean proceeding with caution.

Thanks for letting me vent and taking time to respond.  Happy New Year All!!!

Dear Gentle Soul, I feel sad your wishes were not met by those you trust. Yet your embarrassment is ill founded in that what you have decided to do to get heathy and live longer is right for you and maybe not for others. I tend to explain all the good that my WLS is doing for me and reject any notion that I made the wrong decision. Be happy with your new life. If a person asks tell them how wonderful this is for you and others. If they seem rude then tell them you think that's rude and why. Being rude seems to be a sport with some so call them out. Throw it back at them and tell them they must make the proctologist proud what with them being a perfect a$$hole. Actually you seem much to nice to do these things but next time you hear those things think of me and smile knowing you could have said those things but didn't because your way too nice to sink to their level!

Oh, Jeff.  You are very right that I would't say those things.  But I will smile and think of the things I could say if I wasnt so polite:)  That alone will help me deal with the rude one I didn't want to know in the first place.