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I totally get what you are saying and I do love your response to them but you also have to think about what you are saying by using the word bovine. I get that you are talking about yourself but if you have friends that are obese then they are most likely taking as an affront...like you are calling all fat people cows, which means you are saying THEY look like cows. That could explain the bad reaction that some people had. I have two really close friends who are both MO and my relationship with them has been on skaky ground since I began my WLS journey. They have acted in some very hurtful ways to me, mostly by withdrawing from me, but I am trying to be understanding and sensitive to how they are feeling. For whatever reason, neither one of them are open to having WLS for now even though they need it and have never been able to lose the weight they carry. I can't imagine how hurtful it would be to one of them if I said something like " Oh, I look so much better now...I was such a cow before!" (which I definitely think on a regular basis and is true!) or something to that effect because they are both probably about 100 pounds heavier than me at my pre-surgery weight. Am I making sense? I feel like I'm rambling. lol
Goal in EIGHT months!
Highest/Surgery Weight 248 Goal Weight 165 Current Weight 165-175
Starting BMI 33.7 Current BMI 22.1
I'm 42 years young, my height is 6' and I've had no plastics!
I
my sleeve!!!
Highest/Surgery Weight 248 Goal Weight 165 Current Weight 165-175
Starting BMI 33.7 Current BMI 22.1
I'm 42 years young, my height is 6' and I've had no plastics!
I
my sleeve!!!
Kimberly-
I understand your point. I think it is important to keep adjectives like that to ourselves. I am much better at keeping those things to myself when I am writing something because I can take the time to think before I post, but my mouth sometimes gets carried away and I can slip when talking. It's hard to always be mindful of how others might be affected by our words. I'm sorry your friends are withdrawing from you now that you are slim. This is a common story. I am sure they feel worse about themselves when they see how you had the strength and motiation to do something about the problem you once shared. They probably feel like failures compared to you, through no fault of your own. I can tell that you would not be inclined to show off your weight loss or new smaller sizes. You probably make a conscious effort to down play the changes in your appearance whenever you are around them. But we cannot do much about about others' insecurities. We all know how deeply they are anchored and how easily they are triggered.
I understand your point. I think it is important to keep adjectives like that to ourselves. I am much better at keeping those things to myself when I am writing something because I can take the time to think before I post, but my mouth sometimes gets carried away and I can slip when talking. It's hard to always be mindful of how others might be affected by our words. I'm sorry your friends are withdrawing from you now that you are slim. This is a common story. I am sure they feel worse about themselves when they see how you had the strength and motiation to do something about the problem you once shared. They probably feel like failures compared to you, through no fault of your own. I can tell that you would not be inclined to show off your weight loss or new smaller sizes. You probably make a conscious effort to down play the changes in your appearance whenever you are around them. But we cannot do much about about others' insecurities. We all know how deeply they are anchored and how easily they are triggered.
5.5 POUNDS TO 100 LB LOSS!!!
Kathy - am I sensing a wrist-slap here?
Because I actually stand by my position, and feel like it's even more unhealthy when we hold stuff in like that if we think it. I mean, in our intimate circles. People should know how and what we feel and then have the option of accepting it or not. Then, we can discuss it openly.
Put differently, if my friend thought I looked like a cow, I would want to know it. Then, I could choose whether or not we would continue to be friends.
If my friend thought I looked like a cow and kept that to herself, I feel like she would be manipulating me into a false friendship.
Of course, there's always a way to say things and a way not to say things. But I value honesty more than discretion.
All that said, the only person I called a cow was myself, of course, and even then, I didn't, really. Albs are notoriously unflattering - all clergy know that. Many of us appreciate that since it's not the time to be looking attractive, anyway!
Because I actually stand by my position, and feel like it's even more unhealthy when we hold stuff in like that if we think it. I mean, in our intimate circles. People should know how and what we feel and then have the option of accepting it or not. Then, we can discuss it openly.
Put differently, if my friend thought I looked like a cow, I would want to know it. Then, I could choose whether or not we would continue to be friends.
If my friend thought I looked like a cow and kept that to herself, I feel like she would be manipulating me into a false friendship.
Of course, there's always a way to say things and a way not to say things. But I value honesty more than discretion.
All that said, the only person I called a cow was myself, of course, and even then, I didn't, really. Albs are notoriously unflattering - all clergy know that. Many of us appreciate that since it's not the time to be looking attractive, anyway!
Kimberly,
You make wonderful sense. It's not sensitive to call someone a cow. However, the truth is that if someone is MO and wears an enormous white alb, they probably will look bovine. I did.
I refuse to make weight a sacred cow (pun intended!)
I guess I'm more of the opinion that we *should* share things about how we feel about ourselves - even if they might make others uncomfortable. I'm all about truth-telling, though a lot of people aren't.
But enough about me: I'm really sorry about the loss of some of your friendships. It's very frustrating to see when people are steps away from solutions they just can't seem to get themselves to grasp.
In my life (and especially in my work) I just have to remind myself that we can open the door, but the other person has to walk through it themselves.
Through all of this, I just pray for the strength to be compassionate. It's not always easy. It is my job, though - at work, and in my friendships. Sometimes I fail at it, failing horribly!
You make wonderful sense. It's not sensitive to call someone a cow. However, the truth is that if someone is MO and wears an enormous white alb, they probably will look bovine. I did.
I refuse to make weight a sacred cow (pun intended!)
I guess I'm more of the opinion that we *should* share things about how we feel about ourselves - even if they might make others uncomfortable. I'm all about truth-telling, though a lot of people aren't.
But enough about me: I'm really sorry about the loss of some of your friendships. It's very frustrating to see when people are steps away from solutions they just can't seem to get themselves to grasp.
In my life (and especially in my work) I just have to remind myself that we can open the door, but the other person has to walk through it themselves.
Through all of this, I just pray for the strength to be compassionate. It's not always easy. It is my job, though - at work, and in my friendships. Sometimes I fail at it, failing horribly!
I totally get what you are saying. I do think I am too sensitive...it's something I really don't like about myself. I have always been this way for as long as I can remember. I get hurt feelings really, really easy so I am just ultra sensitive to not wanting to hurt other people's feelings so I am definitely withhold the truth sometimes or downplay things.
Goal in EIGHT months!
Highest/Surgery Weight 248 Goal Weight 165 Current Weight 165-175
Starting BMI 33.7 Current BMI 22.1
I'm 42 years young, my height is 6' and I've had no plastics!
I my sleeve!!!
Highest/Surgery Weight 248 Goal Weight 165 Current Weight 165-175
Starting BMI 33.7 Current BMI 22.1
I'm 42 years young, my height is 6' and I've had no plastics!
I
my sleeve!!! Honey, when sensitivity turns into caring that is an absolutely beautiful thing. It may cause you pain, but please know that your heart is probably what makes you you - wonderfully so.
About the downplaying or withholding, I think that different people value different things. I value truth over everything else, but it's just as valid for someone else to value peace over everything else. It may make relationships between those two types difficult, but not impossible. Truth types tend to railroad peace types. Truth types like me hate that about ourselves.
Anyway, thanks for weighing in!
About the downplaying or withholding, I think that different people value different things. I value truth over everything else, but it's just as valid for someone else to value peace over everything else. It may make relationships between those two types difficult, but not impossible. Truth types tend to railroad peace types. Truth types like me hate that about ourselves.
Anyway, thanks for weighing in!
Rosa,
I think you have to step back and read your words through their eyes. I would hate for you to chastise people who don't really understand where you were coming from and did not mean to be hatin' on your priorities....appearance vs. health.
You initial post was only about appearence - nothing more. You might have been thinking that you are feeling so much better these days... that you are so happy to be looking healthier, etc., but all your words really say are "I'm happy to be looking less like a cow now that I've lost weight".
it makes people uncomfortable to hear someone they care about make a harsh comment about themselves or reveal that they used to feel ugly or unattractive before making a change. Most people have an automatic response of refuting the comment and downplaying it. "No, you did not look like a horse before you got braces!" "You were always beautiful - even before you lost weight".
Now if you had posted something about how much healthier and energetic you are feeling these days, I do not think you would have people telling you that you were fine before..... I think it would have elicited an entirely different, more celebratory response. I think a lot of these people were trying to be supportive... because they winced at the thought that their dear friend felt like she looked like a cow for so long before losing weight. I hope this make sense.
I think you have to step back and read your words through their eyes. I would hate for you to chastise people who don't really understand where you were coming from and did not mean to be hatin' on your priorities....appearance vs. health.
You initial post was only about appearence - nothing more. You might have been thinking that you are feeling so much better these days... that you are so happy to be looking healthier, etc., but all your words really say are "I'm happy to be looking less like a cow now that I've lost weight".
it makes people uncomfortable to hear someone they care about make a harsh comment about themselves or reveal that they used to feel ugly or unattractive before making a change. Most people have an automatic response of refuting the comment and downplaying it. "No, you did not look like a horse before you got braces!" "You were always beautiful - even before you lost weight".
Now if you had posted something about how much healthier and energetic you are feeling these days, I do not think you would have people telling you that you were fine before..... I think it would have elicited an entirely different, more celebratory response. I think a lot of these people were trying to be supportive... because they winced at the thought that their dear friend felt like she looked like a cow for so long before losing weight. I hope this make sense.
5.5 POUNDS TO 100 LB LOSS!!!
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