To tell or not to tell......
I'm still in the pre-op phase of things, but I'm hoping for a surgical date in February. Here's the question - do I tell people? I have talked about it with my closest friends at work and got some pretty mixed feed back. Everything from unconditional support to not supportive at all. What are the experiences out there? Thanks!
Hi Jen,
I think that's a really important question we all struggled with. I wrote out a long answer in another post, which reflects my thoughts on this...
Hmm. I respect people's opinions one way or another on whether or not they tell, and completely understand why someone wouldn't tell.
At the same time, we have to remember the truth that the public's perception will not change until people who have had WLS can share the news of it without shame.
Frankly, I'd rather not tell people about it because I want them to look at me and not even think about the fat days. But I'm still telling those who ask me about how I lost the weight more for the good of the whole, so to speak, than for what's necessarily best for me.
HOWEVER, this makes a lot of sense because of my public role. People look to me for guidance, and with that comes a responsibility.
That being said, I don't find myself eager to tell people about the surgery who I meet now. I look at myself and I look really normal, not fat (though I'm still overweight and have more weight to lose.) People who meet me now would never necessarily know that I was ever fat. And I'm not that eager to tell them.
So, once the excess weight is gone, will I bring up my surgery? We'll see. I guess I feel a moral obligation not to hide it, per se, but if it doesn't come up, then...
Oh, and please let me reiterate: I 100% support those who take a different approach. I take mine simply because of my role and opportunity to change a lot of people's minds about WLS. I see myself as part of a movement, but not everyone else needs to. It's a deeply personal opinion!!!
Post Date: 10/8/10 7:01 am One more thing - I thought I'd tell a story that helped me reach this conclusion:
I once had a coworker who, in retrospect, must have had the surgery. I saw her through the end of June, and she and I were around the same size. Then, as always, she took off for the summer. When she returned in late-August or September, she was probably 50 lbs smaller. And throughout the fall, winter and spring, she continued to lose oodles of weight. She had some hair loss, but otherwise, she looked absolutely amazing!
The prior year, she had watched me gain about 50 lbs. Some time in the fall after her weight loss, she and I sat down for a meeting. At the end of the meeting, I asked her about her weight loss, looking for advice on how I could do it, too.
She told me that she started running 20 minutes a day, and that she had just cut her portions down to the appropriate sizes. She would eat what she wanted, but she would only eat a couple of bites. She said that she repeated this mantra to herself "I am a small woman" which she was - like me (at the time) she was around 5'2. Then she told me that I'm a small woman, too. She pointed out how small my hands and feet were, and that I have a small frame for my body. (All true.) And that, like her, I spend almost all of my meal times around tall men who necessarily should eat much larger portions, and that I should, like her, adjust my portions down to a small size.
I heard what she told me, and I looked at her success, and I tried to imagine doing what she did. I can't think I've ever done this before, but I actually BURST OUT INTO TEARS as I tried to imagine having the same success. I sobbed like a baby, right in front of her. And she encouraged me and told me that I could do it. She also said that she would bring me some "incentive clothes" to help give me the motivation to lose weight.
She had lots of clothes that she brought me. And I started repeating that "I'm a small woman" mantra at tables. And yet I couldn't manage to eat the smaller portions. I didn't lose a pound, and as she kept losing weight, I kept getting clothes I couldn't even begin to fit from her every month. (Ugh, I'm crying now just remembering how sad my failure made me!)
Fast forward to the time, a couple of years later, when I started to research the surgery. I learned more about how WLS works, and the progression of events post-surgery, etc, and it came to me that this woman had the surgery!
She had made the decision not to share this with her coworkers, which is completely her right. But her decision not to share with me caused me immense emotional damage. Withholding that key piece of information changed my understanding of myself from a person who struggles with food to a loser who can't do what her coworker has the strong will to do. I can't tell you enough how crushed I was that year.
Once I figured it out, I sent her this email:
Dear xxx, I hope you're doing really well this beautiful summer! I wanted to check in with you because I was just thinking about that conversation that you and I had in my office about weight loss so many months ago, and wanted to let you know about where I've landed on all this: Next Monday (the 28th) I'm heading over to NY/Cornell/Presbyterian Hospital for RNY gastric bypass surgery. I couldn't be more excited about it! You already know how much I've struggled with yoyo weight stuff. Then, one day, I just sortof woke up and realized that there might be another option for me. I know it's far from easy, but I think that the surgery will be a tool to help me where I couldn't help myself. At my surgeon's support group last month, I learned that most people who had the surgery don't tell people about it, which I completely respect and understand. I've made the choice to tell people broadly because I had a hunch that I would find support in ways that I'd never expected. Turns out that I have - this whole process has been a blessing. Anyway, as I was going through all of my clothes to try to sort through what I'll wear at various stages, I came across the clothes that you gave me before (for which I'm so grateful!) I still don't feel like I have enough, but over the next few days I'm going to do some fun thrift store window shopping here in NYC just so that I can have a sense of what's where. xxx, I wanted to tell you this because I was so grateful for your support so many months ago. And I wanted to tell you this because, as I started to think back, I realized that you, too, might've had one of these WLS procedures, too. Please know that I'm not asking for any disclosure from you at all. I just wanted to let you know that you have been, and are, an inspiration to me. If you have any advice for me as I start off on this next part of the journey, I'd be most grateful for it. And if not, please just accept my thanks for the support (and clothes!) Please give my best to your wonderful family.
Many blessings to you for a great summer,
I never heard back from her.
I guess I share this story because I wanted to share how the personal decisions we make can have a really profound impact on others in ways we'd never expect.
I think that's a really important question we all struggled with. I wrote out a long answer in another post, which reflects my thoughts on this...
Hmm. I respect people's opinions one way or another on whether or not they tell, and completely understand why someone wouldn't tell.
At the same time, we have to remember the truth that the public's perception will not change until people who have had WLS can share the news of it without shame.
Frankly, I'd rather not tell people about it because I want them to look at me and not even think about the fat days. But I'm still telling those who ask me about how I lost the weight more for the good of the whole, so to speak, than for what's necessarily best for me.
HOWEVER, this makes a lot of sense because of my public role. People look to me for guidance, and with that comes a responsibility.
That being said, I don't find myself eager to tell people about the surgery who I meet now. I look at myself and I look really normal, not fat (though I'm still overweight and have more weight to lose.) People who meet me now would never necessarily know that I was ever fat. And I'm not that eager to tell them.
So, once the excess weight is gone, will I bring up my surgery? We'll see. I guess I feel a moral obligation not to hide it, per se, but if it doesn't come up, then...
Oh, and please let me reiterate: I 100% support those who take a different approach. I take mine simply because of my role and opportunity to change a lot of people's minds about WLS. I see myself as part of a movement, but not everyone else needs to. It's a deeply personal opinion!!!
Post Date: 10/8/10 7:01 am One more thing - I thought I'd tell a story that helped me reach this conclusion:
I once had a coworker who, in retrospect, must have had the surgery. I saw her through the end of June, and she and I were around the same size. Then, as always, she took off for the summer. When she returned in late-August or September, she was probably 50 lbs smaller. And throughout the fall, winter and spring, she continued to lose oodles of weight. She had some hair loss, but otherwise, she looked absolutely amazing!
The prior year, she had watched me gain about 50 lbs. Some time in the fall after her weight loss, she and I sat down for a meeting. At the end of the meeting, I asked her about her weight loss, looking for advice on how I could do it, too.
She told me that she started running 20 minutes a day, and that she had just cut her portions down to the appropriate sizes. She would eat what she wanted, but she would only eat a couple of bites. She said that she repeated this mantra to herself "I am a small woman" which she was - like me (at the time) she was around 5'2. Then she told me that I'm a small woman, too. She pointed out how small my hands and feet were, and that I have a small frame for my body. (All true.) And that, like her, I spend almost all of my meal times around tall men who necessarily should eat much larger portions, and that I should, like her, adjust my portions down to a small size.
I heard what she told me, and I looked at her success, and I tried to imagine doing what she did. I can't think I've ever done this before, but I actually BURST OUT INTO TEARS as I tried to imagine having the same success. I sobbed like a baby, right in front of her. And she encouraged me and told me that I could do it. She also said that she would bring me some "incentive clothes" to help give me the motivation to lose weight.
She had lots of clothes that she brought me. And I started repeating that "I'm a small woman" mantra at tables. And yet I couldn't manage to eat the smaller portions. I didn't lose a pound, and as she kept losing weight, I kept getting clothes I couldn't even begin to fit from her every month. (Ugh, I'm crying now just remembering how sad my failure made me!)
Fast forward to the time, a couple of years later, when I started to research the surgery. I learned more about how WLS works, and the progression of events post-surgery, etc, and it came to me that this woman had the surgery!
She had made the decision not to share this with her coworkers, which is completely her right. But her decision not to share with me caused me immense emotional damage. Withholding that key piece of information changed my understanding of myself from a person who struggles with food to a loser who can't do what her coworker has the strong will to do. I can't tell you enough how crushed I was that year.
Once I figured it out, I sent her this email:
Dear xxx, I hope you're doing really well this beautiful summer! I wanted to check in with you because I was just thinking about that conversation that you and I had in my office about weight loss so many months ago, and wanted to let you know about where I've landed on all this: Next Monday (the 28th) I'm heading over to NY/Cornell/Presbyterian Hospital for RNY gastric bypass surgery. I couldn't be more excited about it! You already know how much I've struggled with yoyo weight stuff. Then, one day, I just sortof woke up and realized that there might be another option for me. I know it's far from easy, but I think that the surgery will be a tool to help me where I couldn't help myself. At my surgeon's support group last month, I learned that most people who had the surgery don't tell people about it, which I completely respect and understand. I've made the choice to tell people broadly because I had a hunch that I would find support in ways that I'd never expected. Turns out that I have - this whole process has been a blessing. Anyway, as I was going through all of my clothes to try to sort through what I'll wear at various stages, I came across the clothes that you gave me before (for which I'm so grateful!) I still don't feel like I have enough, but over the next few days I'm going to do some fun thrift store window shopping here in NYC just so that I can have a sense of what's where. xxx, I wanted to tell you this because I was so grateful for your support so many months ago. And I wanted to tell you this because, as I started to think back, I realized that you, too, might've had one of these WLS procedures, too. Please know that I'm not asking for any disclosure from you at all. I just wanted to let you know that you have been, and are, an inspiration to me. If you have any advice for me as I start off on this next part of the journey, I'd be most grateful for it. And if not, please just accept my thanks for the support (and clothes!) Please give my best to your wonderful family.
Many blessings to you for a great summer,
I never heard back from her.
I guess I share this story because I wanted to share how the personal decisions we make can have a really profound impact on others in ways we'd never expect.
5'4 CW: 130, GW: 130
Springtime Challenge to reach goal of 130 in spring MET!!!
Springtime Challenge to reach goal of 130 in spring MET!!!
Wow! The fact that you never heard from her speaks volumes. Now that I've been researching wls--I, too, have figured out that about 3 people I know who have had dramatic weight loss probably had it done. And from my perspective--it is frustrating when I (a person who struggles with my weight) asks them what they are doing to lose the weight. I am only asking because I need to lose the weight and it's obvious that what they're doing is working.So it is frustrating to just hear that they are working out, eating less, etc. Don't get me wrong--I don't feel that they have to announce it to a group of people. And I would never ask, "What are you doing to lose the weight," unless I was having a private conversation with that person.
If I have it done, I will probably not be one to announce it on my facebook page. But if a heavy person does comment on my weight loss--then I would gladly share my experience.
Pam :)
If I have it done, I will probably not be one to announce it on my facebook page. But if a heavy person does comment on my weight loss--then I would gladly share my experience.
Pam :)
"B" bears' mama from Texas
Follow my journey on youtube: "bbearsmama"
SW: 210 CW: 123.6
Wow, I sure can't top that insight.
There were close friends and staff that I told. There were others that I didn't. I am much more open about it now. Most of the folks I told ahead were very supportive. Since several of them have told me horror stories but they kept them to themselves until after my surgery, thank goodness.
There were close friends and staff that I told. There were others that I didn't. I am much more open about it now. Most of the folks I told ahead were very supportive. Since several of them have told me horror stories but they kept them to themselves until after my surgery, thank goodness.
66 yrs young, 4'11" hw 220, goal 120 met at 12 months, cw 129 learning Maintainance
Between 35-40 BMI? join us on the Lightweight board. the Lightweight Board
Hello! I just had surgery 3 weeks ago and I struggled with the same question. I personally suggest not oversharing prior to surgery but be an open book after. Prior to surgery I decided to tell my immediate family members who I knew would support what ever decision I made. At work I didnt tell anyone because I did not want anyone trying to deter me from doing what I knew was right for me. I did not want to hear "have you tried dieting? " your not that big" or "surgery is so dangerous and extreme" All things I had heard too many times before. I had done the research, made my decision and I didnt want anyone scaring me or judging me. I only told my direct boss just becasue I needed the time off from work and I did not want to lie.
Once I came back, I have told everyone I come in contact with because my lifestyle and eating habits are sooooooo different that noone who truly knows me would believe that I am just on a diet. I would not feel right telling people Im just eating less and exercising, special to those who struggle with their own weight and ask me how I'm doing it. It would not feel right in my heart or concious to lie to them. I am not ashamed and I have nothing to hide. This is the decision I made and the results will speak for themselves. When I do reach goal and meet new people, I dont think it will be necessary to tell them because they didnt know me when I was overweight...unless I feel my story will help someone else with their struggles. Than I'll tell them what worked for me and give them all the advice and tips I possibly can. Sorry for such a long answer....this is what has worked for me and I hope you are able to determine what will work best for you. Good Luck!
Cindy
Once I came back, I have told everyone I come in contact with because my lifestyle and eating habits are sooooooo different that noone who truly knows me would believe that I am just on a diet. I would not feel right telling people Im just eating less and exercising, special to those who struggle with their own weight and ask me how I'm doing it. It would not feel right in my heart or concious to lie to them. I am not ashamed and I have nothing to hide. This is the decision I made and the results will speak for themselves. When I do reach goal and meet new people, I dont think it will be necessary to tell them because they didnt know me when I was overweight...unless I feel my story will help someone else with their struggles. Than I'll tell them what worked for me and give them all the advice and tips I possibly can. Sorry for such a long answer....this is what has worked for me and I hope you are able to determine what will work best for you. Good Luck!
Cindy
Mini-Gil
I am not capable of telling white lies in a convincing manner....and I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. I told everyone preop (family, friends and work peeps).
Since surgery I readily admit to anyone that asks how I am loosing the weight that I had WLS. I work in a hospital and I have a very public job (manager of OB), in addition I have been there for 20+ years.....so even those that do not really know me are familiar with me in the hallways. A day does not go by that I don't get stopped by a passing acquaintance to comment on my weight loss.
It is however a personal decision on what to tell people...I am just most comfortable with the truth being out there rather than being secretive about it.
Over all people have been very supprotive. I ahve gotten a couple "you were not big enough comments"...I just nod and smile. I have also gotten lots of folks asking for details as they have wieght problems...I am glad to be able to share my journey.
Since surgery I readily admit to anyone that asks how I am loosing the weight that I had WLS. I work in a hospital and I have a very public job (manager of OB), in addition I have been there for 20+ years.....so even those that do not really know me are familiar with me in the hallways. A day does not go by that I don't get stopped by a passing acquaintance to comment on my weight loss.
It is however a personal decision on what to tell people...I am just most comfortable with the truth being out there rather than being secretive about it.
Over all people have been very supprotive. I ahve gotten a couple "you were not big enough comments"...I just nod and smile. I have also gotten lots of folks asking for details as they have wieght problems...I am glad to be able to share my journey.
SW 212 / Goal 130 / Current 130
I wasn't open about it in the beginning because I didn't want people's opinions but now I pretty much tell everyone who asks or comments on my weightloss but I still don't talk about it openly on Facebook and such...guess I'm too prideful and don't want my high school friends to know I haven't always looked this fabulous. LOL Oh, and I have definitely always been open about it with anyone who asked who was signifcantly overweight. Really, if I could go back and do it again, I would just be open about it completely because I do wish more people knew it was an option and that you don't have to weigh 400-500 pounds to have wls and I'm proud of myself for taking control of my health and my future...in the dieting area anyway. 
Goal in EIGHT months!
Highest/Surgery Weight 248 Goal Weight 165 Current Weight 165-175
Starting BMI 33.7 Current BMI 22.1
I'm 42 years young, my height is 6' and I've had no plastics!
I
my sleeve!!!
Highest/Surgery Weight 248 Goal Weight 165 Current Weight 165-175
Starting BMI 33.7 Current BMI 22.1
I'm 42 years young, my height is 6' and I've had no plastics!
I
my sleeve!!!Most Active
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