Ok...here's what's bothering me these days. Therapists...chime in :)

Ok, So maybe if I just get it all off my chest I can start feeling better. I do not like posting how constantly stressed out I am and how life's rough...I need to move forward and start overcoming this issue. So, I will put it out there and ask for feedback. I have completely submitted to the fact that I do have a problem and need help instead of trying to battle it on my own. 

Here it goes. My oldest son and I had some serious issues from about January. He started acting different, lying more (more than teens do) and it always felt like I was being deceived daily. He was good at lying to my face and looking me in the eye doing so. I thought I was good at reading body language and he got better at hiding it. Not a good combo. Anyways, conflict after conflict arose. My husband was deployed 2 months after this started about, he left in March. Once my hubby was gone the boy thought he could get away with more. He held parties at the house with alcohol and drugs while he was supposed to be watching after his younger brother. He is 18 and the youngest is 15 (was 14 at the time) so I trusted the oldest to watch out for the house, the child, and pets, etc. I found plenty of evidence of this and confronted him. Tempers flared up and I drew a line...I asked him to give me the truth all of it as a 1 more chance. He lied AGAIN and I told him to pack up his stuff and leave because I would not allow him or this behavior in my house. I kicked him out in the beginning of July. 

At the end of July, he was arrested for shoplifting. Very long story short...he refused to come home because he wanted to be with his friends in town. He NEVER wanted help from me or his dad at all. So what did this momma do?? I hired an attorney (not cheap btw) and had him move home. He fought hard and said very mean things and left. So then I walk on egg shells to smooth things over and he jumped on it and manipulated it to get more money for drugs and alcohol. When confronted on the issues and his habits, he would yell and tell me how he did not want me involved and that I don't know what he's going through and that his life sucks and is not worth living. So he leaves the house again and moved in with his friends. Mind you he is not working at all...no means of money. 

Fast forward a few weeks from then and the youngest asks me where a few things are in the house...well, we found out that he stole many items from the house and sold them to get money. One of the items had my personal banking info (xbox live thing) and I had to change all banking info to protect from any further issues. I backed off and let him live his life. 

Fast forward to last week. He texts me and tells me that he had a friend almost bash my son's face in with a rock due to some girl conflict. Then he says he wants to move back home and clean up his act. With reluctancy I open up the house and give it another chance. Well, he's still showing disrespect and attitude and hiding and lying about crap. I'm at a loss. He was good for 5 days and on the 6th...he starts a fight because I or his dad will not drive him to his friends house (cause his car is broke at the moment and he has no gas$$) and said that if his friends want to pick him up, so be it but we were not going to drive him 20 miles into town. That sparked the whole "i'm trapped up here" crap and my hubby for the first time started to see what I had been dealing with. 

So here we are today, found out that he took dad's atm card (with permission to buy gas only and show proof of receipt!!) and made another purchase...not authorized. Yes, we're stupid...we fell for the whole trust him again thing. 

So my pouch is all in knots again. My hubby is worried as he can clearly hear the grumbles in my gut and sees how this physically impacts me, my attitude and health not to mention the youngest. So I have been running away hiding out as much as possible at the Starbucks trying to get away and relax. 

I am sorry for the long ass post...this really is just the highlights. Add a new career, the youngest teen at home and hubby's military deployments and you've got a bundle of chaos. 

So...counselors...what else can I do. Now you know why the munchie monster found me and why I really can't focus lately. Everytime my hubby gives me a coffee or tea or asks me if I need anything I ask...does it have alcohol in it?? lol I wish I could go into a coma for a bit and when it is all over come back out. If the doctor said I have to be institutionalized, for therapy...I would say where and when. I am freaking out because food and booze used to be my cover and shield and now that this is not an option...I'm at a loss. 

I love all of you and would not share this if I was able to handle it on my own now. I am beyond pride and ego...I'm at the lowest I think I can go with this. If ya'll need more details, just ask and I can enlighten...but I really tried to stay in the "recap" mode. Many of you have seen my posts over the months and know this has been going on a long time but you all never really knew the problem. 

i need help 

Ok...I re-read the post and boy do I babble...jeesh. When my stress levels get this high, I notice myself searching for crunchy stuff to munch on. Up until recently, those episodes were not as frequent but it is now that he is back in the house full time. I keep asking myself what the hell does this "character" on my life journey want...and it is freaking out and I'm letting it because I would rather not deal with it but I have to. So I need help to stop that for sure. *sigh* 

((((((Diana))))))

You are in a tough place... and your son knows it and is playing on your love for him. Seriously, do NOT jeopardize you, your hubby, or your younger son for him (and that includes your livelihood and belongings).

If you feel you must help him, put him on an allowance and let him live elsewhere (note: this does NOT mean that you pay his rent or totally subsidize him!), like with his friends.

I suspect that he meant it when he said he wanted to clean up his act and come home... but that's awfully hard to do once you've crossed the line, and he couldn't keep it up at this time.

Therapy for you, DH and DS2 would be a wonderful thing - especially if DS1 is willing to join in (perhaps as a prerequisite to that allowance or being allowed to come home another time). Can you get it through your insurance or through DH's?

(been there as an observer - I started out teaching in an alternative HS for emotionally disturbed adolescents. Yeah, he would have fit right in with our group. You do have my admiration for trying to stick it out, and my whapping you upside the head because when a kid pulls this stuff this strongly, it CANNOT be handled by the parents alone).

More hugs - give me a holler if you need to vent - I worry about you.

Thank you for the whapping!! I need it for sure. There are days where I feel that the tough love is the way to go and then I think it is the opposite I should do. I feel like a failure as a mother and wife and woman. DS1 will not go for therapy. He won't even go look for a job. I think he came home because all his friends kicked his butt out for not pulling his weight. He knows that I said I would rather him come home than be homeless.  

I am learning "slowly" that I am not superwoman and do need to reach out. Try not to worry twin...I am tired of fighting the fight on my own and will certainly seek out help...

Ok I dont have any advice, but Im terrified that this is going to happen with my boys.
There dad has drug & alcohol problems......  and he doesnt work... 
I see this happening less then 10 years from now
I dont know what to say other then I just hope you guys can work through it

Thank you darlin' ~ looking back in time, I missed a lot of signs I think...gave too much credit when it wasn't earned, etc. brushed things off too quickly....oh well. 

Knowing you are here to just listen to me whine is wonderful. It feels better to get things out...

Diana,
     I just want to say kudos to you for asking for help!  I know you are a strong woman!!  You have done a fantastic job losing weight, keeping it off, exercising and inspiring many others on this site.  It is hard raising children and you have added stress being like a single parent at times with your husband deployed.  I know children need boundaries and it sounds like you and your husband have tried to set them and enforce them.  Have you tried to get your son therapy?  I honestly think that is the answer.  Don't be hard on yourself, this is not your fault.  Don't undo everything wonderful you have done. 
Hugs to you hon!
Sandi

You are so sweet. I really don't feel very inspirational right now feel like I'm on the backside of the last ass in line. I don't think DS1 will do therapy but I may certainly look into it for me. He's an adult don't ya know and knows it all. 

I do promise that I will not undo all the good works so far. It amazes me how much stress feels different when we no longer hide behind food. 

HUGS right back at ya. 

Bless your heart! I can only imagine what you are going through. I can definatey simpathize with the whole munchy crunchy stress issue! I have tried to tame the tiger but he keeps rearing his ugly head. I try to keep it to quaker mini rice cakes. My favorite are the mint chocolate kind. (90 calorie packs) I know when I am stressed my tummy gets really loud. I bet yours is too.
There are some points in our lives when we have done all we can do that we have to let go and let God! When we have done all we can for our children all we can do is pray. I wish I had more answers. Know we have you all in our prayers. Hopefully your son will come to realize what he is doing and come to grips! You are not alone we all have our battles it is great to know we can lift each other up and be there for each other. May things get better for you. Babble on Baby I do!

Oooo permission to babble...yay!! LOL 

I have given him to God. I know I cannot do this alone and I've done all I can. I keep trying to figure out what the hell the lesson for me in this is too. I pray and pray for the boy and can only pray more that he gets his head out of his butt and live life...there's so much for him out there...

Oh, and I found soy crisps that are sooooo yummy and not bad in calories either so when the munchies attack, I usually go for those :) 

HUGS to you and THANK YOU!!! I'm in tears typing and my DH is looking at me strangely...maybe I need a break from posting too...I'll check back later...