Ok...here's what's bothering me these days. Therapists...chime in :)
Hugs hugs hugs Diana! I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm so relieved that you're talking about what's going on so that you're not so alone with it. You can PM me anytime or email. Venting is an important part of this process.
I'm definitely not a therapist and i don't even play one on tv but I always have opinions. Rosa beat me to the Alanon card. I was thinking about Alanon for the family and AA/NA for son #1. I went to OA for years and have a lot of friends who were in 12 step programs for drugs and alcohol. My best friend is a HS crisis counselor and we talk about today's kids all the time.
You have the right/responsibility to set boundaries and limitations on your sons. That's part of parenting, even when it's tough. Some of my worst memories were having to set boundaries. As parents we just want to love love love followed by a good dose of trust and that's just not always reality. This is your house and you have the responsibility of keeping it safe for son #2, as well as for you and your DH.
If your son wants to live with you, that's fine but he needs to be actively working on his own recovery. A therapist would be great, an AA sponsor would be great as well. if he's not willing to get a job, there must be agencies where he can volunteer. Make conditions of living under your roof that he either work or volunteer for a good local charity, but no sitting on his lazy arse. Make sure that he knows that you mean business. He may decide to be homeless. You're powerless over what he decides. The only one that you can control is yourself. Giving him over to God was a wise choice because it's really out of your hands so at least you can hope that whatever higher power you believe in is watching over him.
It's a cold, lonely world out there and winter is coming. Drinking and drugging is no fun when you have no money and nowhere to sleep at night. While he's using, you won't be able to reason with him. Addicts are selfish people. You're going to need to be even more selfish than he is and look out for the rest of you. There's a good chance he'll come home and ask if he can stay. Tell him that it's conditional and the first time he crosses you, he's out on his arse again.
It has to be so tough with your DH gone so much. The kid has tested you to the point of making you ill. Tell him the gig is up and then go into your room and cry your eyes out and pray. Then come and let us all tell you how much we adore you and care about you.
I hope you feel better talking about all this. I have always found that putting things in the light make them seem less frightening. So that's my .02 cents worth. Good thing we have the delete key eh? Sending so many hugs your way. I really care what happens to you and your family.
I'm definitely not a therapist and i don't even play one on tv but I always have opinions. Rosa beat me to the Alanon card. I was thinking about Alanon for the family and AA/NA for son #1. I went to OA for years and have a lot of friends who were in 12 step programs for drugs and alcohol. My best friend is a HS crisis counselor and we talk about today's kids all the time.
You have the right/responsibility to set boundaries and limitations on your sons. That's part of parenting, even when it's tough. Some of my worst memories were having to set boundaries. As parents we just want to love love love followed by a good dose of trust and that's just not always reality. This is your house and you have the responsibility of keeping it safe for son #2, as well as for you and your DH.
If your son wants to live with you, that's fine but he needs to be actively working on his own recovery. A therapist would be great, an AA sponsor would be great as well. if he's not willing to get a job, there must be agencies where he can volunteer. Make conditions of living under your roof that he either work or volunteer for a good local charity, but no sitting on his lazy arse. Make sure that he knows that you mean business. He may decide to be homeless. You're powerless over what he decides. The only one that you can control is yourself. Giving him over to God was a wise choice because it's really out of your hands so at least you can hope that whatever higher power you believe in is watching over him.
It's a cold, lonely world out there and winter is coming. Drinking and drugging is no fun when you have no money and nowhere to sleep at night. While he's using, you won't be able to reason with him. Addicts are selfish people. You're going to need to be even more selfish than he is and look out for the rest of you. There's a good chance he'll come home and ask if he can stay. Tell him that it's conditional and the first time he crosses you, he's out on his arse again.
It has to be so tough with your DH gone so much. The kid has tested you to the point of making you ill. Tell him the gig is up and then go into your room and cry your eyes out and pray. Then come and let us all tell you how much we adore you and care about you.
I hope you feel better talking about all this. I have always found that putting things in the light make them seem less frightening. So that's my .02 cents worth. Good thing we have the delete key eh? Sending so many hugs your way. I really care what happens to you and your family.
HW: 249 SW: 229 GW: 149 Age: 63 - Body by Sauceda - 12/2011
Lee ~ my buddy ~ Thank you. I thank you and all the posts...you all are truly supportive. Since DS1's arrest, he claims to be clean with alcohol and drugs. He has had to test a few times and is clean on those. BUT...his behavior is truly that after reading everyone's responses that of an addict. And you hit the nail on the head...he's selfish. So, do I treat him like one? Should we still go to meetings? Not sure....
I like the idea of the boundaries and limitations for him living here. It was much easier when he was NOT living with us. I feel like a wimp saying that it would be nice if he just bailed again. To me, that's the easy card...
I do feel much better for sharing. I am ashamed to say the I have only opened up this much to my hubby and I try not to talk about it because I'm tired of the looks he gives me as I cry...I'm tired of crying and tired of him looking at me helplessly as I cry. vicious circle man. Not even my local friends, with the exception of 1 person, nor my family have I spoken and shared stories with. So sharing here is great.
Thanks again Lee...I appreciate you very much!!
I like the idea of the boundaries and limitations for him living here. It was much easier when he was NOT living with us. I feel like a wimp saying that it would be nice if he just bailed again. To me, that's the easy card...
I do feel much better for sharing. I am ashamed to say the I have only opened up this much to my hubby and I try not to talk about it because I'm tired of the looks he gives me as I cry...I'm tired of crying and tired of him looking at me helplessly as I cry. vicious circle man. Not even my local friends, with the exception of 1 person, nor my family have I spoken and shared stories with. So sharing here is great.
Thanks again Lee...I appreciate you very much!!
HW / SW / CW / GW (1st goal met!! ) New Goal Weight height 5'3"
230 / 196 / 132 / 135 125
Hugs Diana! Lots and lots of hugs.
The thing about when our kids are acting out (I had three step kids, so I have some experience) and they challenge the boundaries, it's so easy to feel like a victim to the situation and to them.
Establishing boundaries and house rules shows him that he's not in charge, YOU are! You get to set the rules, you get to tell him what's expected of him. I think that when you're doing that, you'll feel much better because you won't be victim to his behavior.
The thing about meetings is that they can't hurt. If he's had a problem with using, or even considering it, putting him face to face with people who's lives were ruined by the behavior may scare him witless. The thing about Alanon is that it's for YOU, it's your way to take care of yourself. There is something incredibly helpful in knowing that this happens to many parents. You'll see that they are professional, well put together, loving, caring people and yet this happened to them as well. You're not alone and the support might really help.
In everything you are writing, it doesn't sound like this problem is solved or that DS is cured. Addicts are never cured. You know that yourself from the calling of the carb monster. We turn to things that bring relief. I have always turned to food in difficult situations. I still turn to food but my Sleeve doesn't allow me to destroy myself anymore, thank goodness. If DS is troubled about things, he will turn to his drug of choice until he is taught to deal with life on life's terms. I have always thought that the AA 12 Steps are a wonderful roadmap to life. I may not be in program anymore, but I use everything I've learned on a daily basis.
Be good to yourself, love yourself and your family and know that you are not the first, nor the last parent to go through this. Sending love your way.
The thing about when our kids are acting out (I had three step kids, so I have some experience) and they challenge the boundaries, it's so easy to feel like a victim to the situation and to them.
Establishing boundaries and house rules shows him that he's not in charge, YOU are! You get to set the rules, you get to tell him what's expected of him. I think that when you're doing that, you'll feel much better because you won't be victim to his behavior.
The thing about meetings is that they can't hurt. If he's had a problem with using, or even considering it, putting him face to face with people who's lives were ruined by the behavior may scare him witless. The thing about Alanon is that it's for YOU, it's your way to take care of yourself. There is something incredibly helpful in knowing that this happens to many parents. You'll see that they are professional, well put together, loving, caring people and yet this happened to them as well. You're not alone and the support might really help.
In everything you are writing, it doesn't sound like this problem is solved or that DS is cured. Addicts are never cured. You know that yourself from the calling of the carb monster. We turn to things that bring relief. I have always turned to food in difficult situations. I still turn to food but my Sleeve doesn't allow me to destroy myself anymore, thank goodness. If DS is troubled about things, he will turn to his drug of choice until he is taught to deal with life on life's terms. I have always thought that the AA 12 Steps are a wonderful roadmap to life. I may not be in program anymore, but I use everything I've learned on a daily basis.
Be good to yourself, love yourself and your family and know that you are not the first, nor the last parent to go through this. Sending love your way.
HW: 249 SW: 229 GW: 149 Age: 63 - Body by Sauceda - 12/2011
Dianne, I am not sure that you are truly ready to hear this but here goes. I know that you love your son as we all love our children. And we love them no matter what...and that is where the problem comes in. We love them so much that we enable them, we enable their habits and we enable their addictions. I am speaking from experience. The suggestion to find an AlAnon is very good. I would also suggest that you find a Naranon group as well because it souds more like a drug addiction and not only alcohol. You will need help in learning not to enable his behavior. We think that we are helping because the person gets so angry and upset and we do not want to be the cause of their problems only the solution. Well, dear, you are not the solution for him nor are you the cause of his problem. You are one of his many excuses and crutches and unfortunately he will not heal with crutches. NO ONE should be allowed to take items from your home or money from your accounts. Not only because of you but for their own sake and for the sake of your younger son. I know that you have heard the term hitting the bottom. That term is used alot with drug and alcohol addiction but it is also used with emotional addiction. You may all have to hit your bottoms.
And remember a couple of things when you go through all of this, remember when he learned to walk. He would have never learned if you caught him every time before he fell. he learned to walk because falling was not comfortable.
And lastly, he worked and works very hard to get and stay a this point in his journey. He can also work just as hard to get out of it but YOU cannot do it for him and the more you try, the harder it will be for him and the longer it will take. Sorry to be so forward but suger coating addiction never works....that is called DENIAL!
Please feel free to PM if you like. There is so much more I would like to share with you. You can do this but it will not be easy. Please find a NarAnon group in your area but do not just locate, go to the meetings. You will not regret it.
And remember a couple of things when you go through all of this, remember when he learned to walk. He would have never learned if you caught him every time before he fell. he learned to walk because falling was not comfortable.
And lastly, he worked and works very hard to get and stay a this point in his journey. He can also work just as hard to get out of it but YOU cannot do it for him and the more you try, the harder it will be for him and the longer it will take. Sorry to be so forward but suger coating addiction never works....that is called DENIAL!
Please feel free to PM if you like. There is so much more I would like to share with you. You can do this but it will not be easy. Please find a NarAnon group in your area but do not just locate, go to the meetings. You will not regret it.
HW 213, SW 187, GW 125 VSG 11/19/2010 BS 32
Diana,
I'm not a counselor or a therapist, but I am a mom who has been there and done that...I've got the t-shirt too!
Being a Mom is a tough job. I wish there was a manual to raising perfect children. A little background...
DH and I have been married 18 years. We are both retired military. Him in 1995 and me in 2007. We had 2 kids each when we got married, him boy/girl, me boy/boy. Our oldest has been a trail since before we met. We set a great example for him. Honesty and integrity were huge in our house. I read your story and went...I've been through that. The ignoring of younger siblings, the alcohol, the partying, the disrespect, the drugs. Oh, sweetie, I wish I could give you a huge hug. Nothing can rip a mom's heart up like our children.
My story doesn't have a happy ending. it doesn't really have an ending yet, but here we are today. DS is 30 and still a mess. He moved to Idaho to be near his "real" mother (I won't go into this drama here.) He has 4 children with 2 women. Never held a job. The children are young. He's OK in spending time with them, but a terrible provider. We aren't sure what he does for money, but can only speculate that it is drug related. He has been in and out of county jail several times. (I wi**** turned out better, but this is what it is),
How do I live with this? I came to terms with DS many years ago. As parents, we provided a safe and loving home. We are quick to hug and say I love you. He was not abused. He was encouraged (not pressured) to pursue his joy -- arts, sports, whatever. He had chores like the dishes. We were not overly demanding. However, HE made and continues to make bad choices in his life. These are not my choices. I cannot change his decisions. We laid a solid foundation for him. He has chosen to move off that path. 2 years ago he tried to blame my DH for being a bad parent. DH looked and him and said, "I won't argue with you about that. You are 28 years old, SO WHAT? At 28 you can make good choices. Why aren't you making them?"
We have a shaky relationship with DS today. We are here for the grand-kids, but don't support them financially. That job belongs to DS. DS and his wife are angry that we "have so much" and won't GIVE it to them. (At the risk of another tangent...we worked hard to get where we are today.)
We love him. We don't approve of his actions or decisions. We made peace with our reality. I hope your story has a happier ending than mine. At least, I hope you can make peace with the situation and understand that you can't own your DS decisions. At 18, the choices are his and they are not a reflection of you. It feels like they are, but they aren't. Food was an answer for me. These days it is walking, this forum and jigsaw puzzles.
To end on a positive note...we haven't had issues with the other 3 children. They are 28, 24, & 22. No rocket scientists or doctors, but wonderful loving adults.
You are not alone ... big Internet hugs!!!!!
Kay
I'm not a counselor or a therapist, but I am a mom who has been there and done that...I've got the t-shirt too!
Being a Mom is a tough job. I wish there was a manual to raising perfect children. A little background...
DH and I have been married 18 years. We are both retired military. Him in 1995 and me in 2007. We had 2 kids each when we got married, him boy/girl, me boy/boy. Our oldest has been a trail since before we met. We set a great example for him. Honesty and integrity were huge in our house. I read your story and went...I've been through that. The ignoring of younger siblings, the alcohol, the partying, the disrespect, the drugs. Oh, sweetie, I wish I could give you a huge hug. Nothing can rip a mom's heart up like our children.
My story doesn't have a happy ending. it doesn't really have an ending yet, but here we are today. DS is 30 and still a mess. He moved to Idaho to be near his "real" mother (I won't go into this drama here.) He has 4 children with 2 women. Never held a job. The children are young. He's OK in spending time with them, but a terrible provider. We aren't sure what he does for money, but can only speculate that it is drug related. He has been in and out of county jail several times. (I wi**** turned out better, but this is what it is),
How do I live with this? I came to terms with DS many years ago. As parents, we provided a safe and loving home. We are quick to hug and say I love you. He was not abused. He was encouraged (not pressured) to pursue his joy -- arts, sports, whatever. He had chores like the dishes. We were not overly demanding. However, HE made and continues to make bad choices in his life. These are not my choices. I cannot change his decisions. We laid a solid foundation for him. He has chosen to move off that path. 2 years ago he tried to blame my DH for being a bad parent. DH looked and him and said, "I won't argue with you about that. You are 28 years old, SO WHAT? At 28 you can make good choices. Why aren't you making them?"
We have a shaky relationship with DS today. We are here for the grand-kids, but don't support them financially. That job belongs to DS. DS and his wife are angry that we "have so much" and won't GIVE it to them. (At the risk of another tangent...we worked hard to get where we are today.)
We love him. We don't approve of his actions or decisions. We made peace with our reality. I hope your story has a happier ending than mine. At least, I hope you can make peace with the situation and understand that you can't own your DS decisions. At 18, the choices are his and they are not a reflection of you. It feels like they are, but they aren't. Food was an answer for me. These days it is walking, this forum and jigsaw puzzles.
To end on a positive note...we haven't had issues with the other 3 children. They are 28, 24, & 22. No rocket scientists or doctors, but wonderful loving adults.
You are not alone ... big Internet hugs!!!!!
Kay
Hey Kay, it sounds like you could finish most of my sentences when it comes to describing the situation here...even the "we worked hard for what we have" speech. We've been there with DS1. I do hope he snaps out of his rut but I am worried that it is only on pause right now and that he has so much more falling to do. Everyone is right and that I cannot live his life for him but I cannot fathom the idea of not doing all that I can as a mom and say that I did what I could. That is why I hired the attorney. That is why I am tempted to pay the restitution because it would be completion for me and DH and DS2. Is there much more I can do about after that?? No, not really. You are so right when you say that kids can rip up the heart so quickly and painfully and in such tiny pieces you can't put it back together right.
Thank you for the big hug!!! I sure do need it.
Thank you for the big hug!!! I sure do need it.
HW / SW / CW / GW (1st goal met!! ) New Goal Weight height 5'3"
230 / 196 / 132 / 135 125
Diana, you are not alone. Although my "kids" are grown and off for the most part (son is developmentally disabled and comes home from the group home for weekends), every one of my staff who had a child has teenagers and is having problems. It is so easy to sit on this side of the computer and give advice but I won't. Only one thing that has seemed to make the biggest difference for these families, get outside help. If the kid won't go to therapy, you go, hopefully with the rest of the family. A fresh eye on the situation is required to see all sides and help.
Swinging lizards for you all.
Swinging lizards for you all.
66 yrs young, 4'11" hw 220, goal 120 met at 12 months, cw 129 learning Maintainance
Between 35-40 BMI? join us on the Lightweight board. the Lightweight Board
Hello fellow North Carolinian.....where is Horse Shoe, NC. I am from Greensboro. You are so right about outside help. Speaking experientally, this was the only way that I was able to survive a very similar situation. Because of my situation, I have hopefully been able to help others in the same situation. How is the weather in NC? I am hoping to be there in one week after going to Cancun for my surgery. Take care,
Franda
Franda
HW 213, SW 187, GW 125 VSG 11/19/2010 BS 32
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