Ok...here's what's bothering me these days. Therapists...chime in :)

Hi,
Sorry to hear of your problems with your son. You do know that through the military you can get therapy/counseling sessions for free. You might want to look into that. I would go for yourself, first, then work on getting your son to some. But right now, do what you got to do to get yourself comfortable and less stressed again. Someone to talk to always helps.

Thank you schober ~ I do know they have counseling but wasn't sure it was free. I thought it was also for deployment related issues, ya know. But I'll look into it to make sure. Releasing or confessing here has been a great help...I'll check into other resources for sure :) 

Thanks again...

It depends if you have tricare prime, other than that you will have a fee. Also the fact that he is 18 may cause some concern. I believe Tricare drops you when you are 18 unless you are in college. ( getting ready to deal with this now also)

((((((Diana)))))
im soooooooo freakin glad you decided to tell us what has been upsetting you ....
i hope u feel even just a teensy weensy bit better that you shared your story with us . now we can hopefully help you .
if ever your son needed you it's right now !!!
in my opinion you have done everything right so dont question ur actions. i would have done the same (not sure about telling him to leave) but everything else i'd do the same. yes hes 18, and yes hes an adult but are they really adults at that age ? i believe he/you should def seek out a drug counselor drinking and drugs is changing his behavior so we have to address those issues 1st
then i would begin a "Dialog" sessions.
choosing a particular question and then he rights down his answer as best as he can . youll bo9th be able to better understand one another and mayvbe the household can live in harmony i feel bad for ur 15 yr old son hes getting the ****ty end of the stick right now . u can do the whole dialog thing as a family and write all ur questions, emotions, write about whats ur oldest son doing with his life the destructive behavior that hes showing to his 15 yr old brother "you get what im saying" i dunno all this is from my heart and i hope it helps.
and although i believe is "tuff love" i also believe in " motherly love" good luck
tomorrow when i go to church im going to pray for him

Hi darlin'...I do feel a lot better sharing my woes although it feels like whining. I have been feeling kinda "crazy" thinking it's just me.

There is still so much more to the story. For example, he is working community service in addition he has to pay a fine. Well, his deadline is coming up quickly and he's about 1/2 way done with the hours but being unemployed he doesn't have the $$ needed. I want to pay the fine for him if he finishes his community service. That way it'll be done once and for all. If he does not pay the fine, he faces prison time for non-compliance. So of course I want to resolve that right away. One part of me says that I'm still enabling him and that he has got to fall flat on his bottom...the other part of me says that it's my job to do what I need to do to protect him even if it's from himself and that one day he'll realize the blessings he had. Tough love vs motherly love SUCKS big time. 

Thank you for your prayer support and your wisdom. I truly appreciate it. Words cannot express it...

Beloved Diana:

I am so sorry that this is happening to all of you.  I knew you were going through it, but I didn't know just how much.  How does it feel now that you've shared it?  Does it feel at all cathartic?  

You've gotten some very good advice.  I would have said many similar things to Rebecca.  

There is a lot of very hard work ahead for all of you.  The degree to which each person is willing to enter into that work will have an effect on its eventual success.  Truth is, DS1 will seek treatment when he is ready.  That can be pushed somewhat (intervention-style) but interventions are difficult and can fail.  For now, it's important for you to focus on the things that you can have an influence on.  That includes yourself, DH, DS2, and, in some ways, DS1.  Setting up clear limits, expectations, etc will be key.  Getting help must be first - talk to some folks who know something about addiction in adolescents and young adults.  Talk to others - maybe Alanon? who have gone through this before.  Get advice and support from experts.  And continue to seek help where you are.  

It's a long road.  It could be a lifelong road.  It will take enormous strength.  Sometimes you (and everyone else) will stumble.  You are human, and that is what we do.  Remember this and forgive yourself.  

Finally, I suggest that you pray the serenity prayer, all the while looking for the strength to mean it.  Pray it every day.  Maybe several times a day.  

This can get better.  It won't be easy, but it really can.  I pray that happens soon.

And please - never apologize for seeking support - not here, not from professionals, not from friends - nowhere!  Support is support, and it's our job (and privilege) to give it.  

God bless you, Diana.

-Rosa

God, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

  

Thank you Rosa...I do keep things very close to the chest and even though I have shared, I have shared the highlights and not the deep crappy crap. I feel a lot better sharing and yes a bit cathartic. I was feeling kinda phoney and whiney when I'd say I was stressed...because who isn't right? But the baggage is a little heavy and I have to put it down for a bit and share. 

I agree on DS1's path. I don't think he's ready to listen to anything to be honest. You're right in that DS1 needs to see the clear limits and expectations. Life's about choices, right? 

As for the long road ~ ugh, I am so damned tired now I cannot imagine a long lifetime road of this but I will do everything I can to stand strong and fight the good fight. 

I will say the serenity prayer...great idea sunshine...

Thank you Rosa again...HUGS!!! 

I hear you, Diana!

Especially on the long road. But that may be where the deepest comfort and healing will be. It's normal to think of the short term. It's perfectly natural to think "if I could just ____, this will be better."

But the truth is that addiction doesn't ever go away. It does get treated. And it can be treated well.

It sounds like your son is a ways away from that. Looking ahead to the time when he will be treated and well and in recovery can be a source of hope and comfort to you. Because the "if I could justs" will not work. Quick fixes do not lead to change. They plug holes. Again, perfectly natural. But it may be time to take a step back and do some gazing and plotting and planning. Only when you're able to make it to that perspective will things start to get better for you and a little less overwhelming.

Putting the baggage down and sharing is incredibly important, and exhausting! Support from therapy and a 12-step program are so helpful. Will you seek both?

Meanwhile, I want to re-emphasize the need for you to show yourself some grace. Forgive yourself for missteps. Release yourself from guilt. Guilt is not a motivator that will lead you anywhere near healing.

Any therapist worth her salt will not counsel you online. But she would want to be sure that you are receiving counseling where you are. ;) Can we help you get there?

Bless you, my friend.

-R

That's my plug phrase "If I could just _____" and plugging holes is a solution and I am a problem solver by nature so that is the natural gravitation. It frustrates me that this is all not black and white. 

I am with you on the therapy as I know to help others I must first help myself. Let's take it one step at a time. I will start looking for a therapist tomorrow. We'll take it from there. I am going to see if they can do couples counseling so that DH and I are working together in this and not apart. Until then, he and I will be talking about what boundaries and limitations we will be putting on DS1 while he continues to reside here. 

Thank you again sweetie!! you are very wise...

Rosa, you are a VERY smart woman.