Spouse support?

Jenni-
I actually put my surgery off for a year because I did not have my husband's support.  Although he wouldn't admit it, he was concerned about the cost. Our insurance does not cover any obesity related care, so we had to pay for all of it.  

I think his pride was keeping him from saying he didn't want to spend the money.  So he would come up with other illogical reasons for why wls was not a good idea.  But being a physician himself, he knew that it was the best option for long term success.  I  was so frustrated by his mixed messages.  One minute the doctor in him would talk about some study that proves the success of wls, but then he would turn around and give some odd reason for why I should put it off until I was more ready.  That was exasperating.

When I asked him if the expense was what was really bothering him, he would say, "No.! That's not it at all."  But in reality I know my husband, and he was not keen on spending the money.  This made me feel hurt and angry because I interpreted that to mean he did not feel my health was worth it.  I wish I had the attitude that "it's nice but not necessary to have his support", because I would be a lot more contended person!  But I just can't seem to go through with something when I don't have his blessing.  (Which doesn't happen very often, thank goodness!) 

After a year of disagreeing on the surgery, one day I said something that made sense to him.  Venus got through to Mars!  And he was supportive from that point on.  Gee, I wish I could remember what I said! lol
Good luck with your struggle, sister!  I know how you feel.
~Kathy 

I talked about doing lapband for years and DH was totally against any type of surgery.  He thought if I ate less and exercised more I wouldn't have any problems.

I got him to talk with a friend that had lapband and had been very succesful and so he finally agreed to support me if that was what I wanted.

When two surgeons recommended RNY he was flipping out again and just knew I was going to die on the operating table.  He went to an orientation meeting with me and he also met and talked with several ladies that had WLS and finally got on board.  He even asked one of the ladies if she had a lot of skin!!  I think he was just so afraid something was going to happen to me and I guess he thought if I stayed fat I would live longer-LOL!!

I hope your DH comes on board with you because it is great to have their support.  Good luck.
Linda

Good luck and hang in there.
My hubby was supportive, but expressed fear over something bad happening to me during surgery  and the fear of me changing and leaving him.
Give him some time and education he needs and he may or may not come around.
So keep coming here if you need some support.

Sorry about your struggle, I had the same problem you are facing. Same ole song and dance exercise,diet,I love you like you are....yada yada...but in my head I knew I could do all thoes things like a million times before...except without this surgery it would all come right back like it always did. So I asked for support here, and got some really good advice about educating him. I opened up and let him read what all these wonderful people had to say. All that mattered to him was he loves me just the way I am, but the reality check was when I told him...I didn't love myself..and this misery was keeping us from having fun!

As you can see, its a pretty common pattern, unfortunately.  My husband seemed a bit supportive before.  He didn't really talk much about it.  He would say the standard "don't do this for me", "I think you look fine", "what ever you want to do", etc.  My mom had the RNY, he saw some of her problems....food getting stuck, not being able to eat a lot of things, dumping, etc.  He said I hope you don't get like your mother.  I said that I was having a different surgery.  I knew the first year would be the hardest.  Until you learn what you can & can't eat, what effects you what way and only being able to eat very small amounts.  Once you get past the first year, I figured I'd be "normal".  Just eating smaller (normal) meals (not the massive amounts pre op).  Oh, also, when it came to going out to dinner with my mom......she had a tendency to say "I don't know if there is anything there I can eat".  Hubby didn't want to hear that!!!  Well about a month post op, he wanted to go to the pizza shop up the road (pre op we got cheese steaks or I got a calzone....both complete no-no's 1 month post op).  I had to say it...."I don't know if I can eat anything up there".  He flipped out and said "I told you before you had this damn surgery, I wasn't changing my life to revolve around what you can and can't eat!"  Lets just say it was about 2 days before I talked to him after that!!!!  That was the point that I figured he didn't really support me at all!  Many moons later, he admitted he was scared.  Scared that I would lose weight and find someone else.  Scared that I wouldn't need him anymore. 

Well we've had our ups and downs.  He knows I did it for me and he is happy that I'm healthier and more self confident now!!  Granted I'm over 2 yrs post op, but  I guess he's supportive now.

Good luck!  I'm sure your other half is just scared.  Scared of something happening during and/or after surgery.  This is life changing for us as well as them!! 

It was great that u posted this question..
.My husband initially had the same response..."That it didnot have to be done.".."That I wasnot that big"...I was very diligent about my therapist appointments over the 6 months and then finally went to a marriage counselor... then He finally got it ..why i was doing it..For health reasons...
I found out later that he was really afraid I would die on the table and/or that I would have serious health problems afterwards...
He is soo supportive now...so thrilled and proud of what I have achieved...
and laughs now of how unaware he was of how big I was....
and he is soo pleased that my health issues have been resolved
U know how important this is for U.
If necessary bring your primary care doctor /or therapist in to consult with him...Good Luck !!!!