To tell or not to tell

Before surgery and right after I was very open and honest with everyone about my surgery. I was (and am still not) ashamed that I had the surgery to help me get healthy.

But...now I never tell anyone that doesn't already know. If people find out I have lost tons of weight, or I see someone that I haven't seen in a long time, they ask me how I did it. The second I would say I had WLS, their brain shuts off and they say "Ohhhhh" before I can finish my sentance. Now I just say I ate right and exercised...because I did.

Everyone assumes the surgery does all the work. I have worked my ass off, counting every calorie, carb, protein, and fat that I consume daily. I have dragged my butt out of bed at 4:30a.m. 6-7 days a week to work out hard for an hour or more. My sleeve definitely did help...with portion control. But the rest was up to me.

I don't want an award or even a pat on the back for what I have done, but I also don't want anyone to think I "took the easy way out" or had it easy because I had surgery.

Do you tell people?

Yep. I tell people. I guess I did take an effective and efficient way out rather than continuing to beat my head against a wall that wasn't going to budge in my lifetime. It's not the easy way, it's the intelligent way.

--g

Girl, I feel your frustration. Ppl who haven't had wls think they know ALL about it and that it does ALL the work.  What the EFFFFF-ever!  The process to get approved for WLS had me working my butt off and like you, I've been so dedicated to this lifestyle with calorie, protein, carb counting, regular exercise, vitamins---hell, it could be a full time job.  I'm with you on not going out of my way to tell ppl about the wls--  its time to reap the rewards and only we can control our emotions to how people respond and I say this is my personal health related decision.  Would I share a hysterctomy with the world?  Uhhh, no.  So why do I have to share my wls?

the only people i tell are my good friends in OA who are struggling with major weight after many years in program .. and i still tell them i had a hiatal hernia surgery to correct a congenital birth defect that runs in my family ( absolutely true ) ... not wls .

Call me stoopid I dont want to get gossipped about or have my many years in OA recovery discounted ...

Honestly I dont think my very mild form of RNY IS very much more than a hiatal hernia surgery anyway ...because of my huge pouch ...i can eat entire normal restaurant portions absolutely like an unsurgeried " normal "person right now ...

as time goes on and my body inevitably compensates it will even matter less ...

Shannon very well said
i too work my ass off and for people to say "you took the easy way out " really makes me pissy
and do i tell? hellllllll no i tell them that i eat very little now cuz my stomach shrunk and thats the truth lololol. and even if u dont want a pat on ur back , im giving u one anyway my friend. u so deserve it just for the exercise alone it aint easy getting up and being motivated all the time .....

I tell - most of the time.  Its not often now when I run into someone who I knew prior to WLS. 

Easy way out?  Well, it DID help me lose the weight I wasn't able to do myself. BUT - maintaining is all up to ME!  Its no easier for me than it is for someone else who didn't have WLS. 

Hmm.  I respect people's opinions one way or another on whether or not they tell, and completely understand why someone wouldn't tell.

At the same time, we have to remember the truth that the public's perception will not change until people who have had WLS can share the news of it without shame.

Frankly, I'd rather not tell people about it because I want them to look at me and not even think about the fat days.  But I'm still telling those who ask me about how I lost the weight more for the good of the whole, so to speak, than for what's necessarily best for me.

HOWEVER, this makes a lot of sense because of my public role.  People look to me for guidance, and with that comes a responsibility.

That being said, I don't find myself eager to tell people about the surgery who I meet now.  I look at myself and I look really normal, not fat (though I'm still overweight and have more weight to lose.) People who meet me now would never necessarily know that I was ever fat.  And I'm not that eager to tell them.   

So, once the excess weight is gone, will I bring up my surgery?  We'll see.  I guess I feel a moral obligation not to hide it, per se, but if it doesn't come up, then...

Oh, and please let me reiterate:  I 100% support those who take a different approach.  I take mine simply because of my role and opportunity to change a lot of people's minds about WLS.  I see myself as part of a movement, but not everyone else needs to.  It's a deeply personal opinion!!!

One more thing - I thought I'd tell a story that helped me reach this conclusion:

I once had a coworker who, in retrospect, must have had the surgery.  I saw her through the end of June, and she and I were around the same size.  Then, as always, she took off for the summer.  When she returned in late-August or September, she was probably 50 lbs smaller.  And throughout the fall, winter and spring, she continued to lose oodles of weight.  She had some hair loss, but otherwise, she looked absolutely amazing!

The prior year, she had watched me gain about 50 lbs.  Some time in the fall after her weight loss, she and I sat down for a meeting.  At the end of the meeting, I asked her about her weight loss, looking for advice on how I could do it, too.  

She told me that she started running 20 minutes a day, and that she had just cut her portions down to the appropriate sizes.  She would eat what she wanted, but she would only eat a couple of bites.  She said that she repeated this mantra to herself "I am a small woman" which she was - like me (at the time) she was around 5'2.  Then she told me that I'm a small woman, too.  She pointed out how small my hands and feet were, and that I have a small frame for my body.  (All true.)  And that, like her, I spend almost all of my meal times around tall men who necessarily should eat much larger portions, and that I should, like her, adjust my portions down to a small size.  

I heard what she told me, and I looked at her success, and I tried to imagine doing what she did.  I can't think I've ever done this before, but I actually BURST OUT INTO TEARS as I tried to imagine having the same success.  I sobbed like a baby, right in front of her.  And she encouraged me and told me that I could do it.  She also said that she would bring me some "incentive clothes" to help give me the motivation to lose weight.

She had lots of clothes that she brought me.  And I started repeating that "I'm a small woman" mantra at tables.  And yet I couldn't manage to eat the smaller portions.  I didn't lose a  pound, and as she kept losing weight, I kept getting clothes I couldn't even begin to fit from her every month.  (Ugh, I'm crying now just remembering how sad my failure made me!)

Fast forward to the time, a couple of years later, when I started to research the surgery.  I learned more about how WLS works, and the progression of events post-surgery, etc, and it came to me that this woman had the surgery!  

She had made the decision not to share this with her coworkers, which is completely her right.  But her decision not to share with me caused me immense emotional damage.  Withholding that key piece of information changed my understanding of myself from a person who struggles with food to a loser who can't do what her coworker has the strong will to do.  I can't tell you enough how crushed I was that year.  

Once I figured it out, I sent her this email:

Dear xxx,
I hope you're doing really well this beautiful summer!  I wanted to check in with you because I was just thinking about that conversation that you and I had in my office about weight loss so many months ago, and wanted to let you know about where I've landed on all this:
Next Monday (the 28th) I'm heading over to NY/Cornell/Presbyterian Hospital for RNY gastric bypass surgery.  I couldn't be more excited about it!  You already know how much I've struggled with yoyo weight stuff.  Then, one day, I just sortof woke up and realized that there might be another option for me.  I know it's far from easy, but I think that the surgery will be a tool to help me where I couldn't help myself.
At my surgeon's support group last month, I learned that most people who had the surgery don't tell people about it, which I completely respect and understand.  I've made the choice to tell people broadly because I had a hunch that I would find support in ways that I'd never expected.  Turns out that I have - this whole process has been a blessing.
Anyway, as I was going through all of my clothes to try to sort through what I'll wear at various stages, I came across the clothes that you gave me before (for which I'm so grateful!) I still don't feel like I have enough, but over the next few days I'm going to do some fun thrift store window shopping here in NYC just so that I can have a sense of what's where.
xxx, I wanted to tell you this because I was so grateful for your support so many months ago.  And I wanted to tell you this because, as I started to think back, I realized that you, too, might've had one of these WLS procedures, too.  Please know that I'm not asking for any disclosure from you at all.  I just wanted to let you know that you have been, and are, an inspiration to me.
If you have any advice for me as I start off on this next part of the journey, I'd be most grateful for it.  And if not, please just accept my thanks for the support (and clothes!)
Please give my best to your wonderful family.


Many blessings to you for a great summer,

I never heard back from her.

I guess I share this story because I wanted to share how the personal decisions we make can have a really profound impact on others in ways we'd never expect.  

LOVED...LOVED...LOVED Your story.    I must have been writing mine while you posted yours. I can't even imagine someone not sharing when she saw how you were suffering, but having WLS must have been a struggle for her emotionally.

Thanks, Roz.  I think you're right on with the difficulty she was having. I  know she worries about people judging her.  So I'm sure it was a struggle as she watched this happen. I just hope my note made her happy, knowing that she has a sister in the WLS journey.