All the Single Ladies!

...put your hands up!

(I plan to be Beyonce in that video for Halloween next year. That's right! Black leotard, tights, heels, and a belt around my waist.)

http://media.photobucket.com/image/beyonce-single%20ladies/casbros/beyonce-single-ladies.jpg?o=9#!oZZ9QQcurrentZZhttp%3A%2F%2Fmedia.photobucket.com%2Fimage%2Fbeyonce-single%20ladies%2Fcasbros%2Fbeyonce-single-ladies.jpg%3Fo%3D9


So. Falling in love with Lee's son (ok, not literally, but work with me, here) and seeing the facebook movie ("Social Network") last night have me thinking.

I wrote in Kathy's fat in our hearts post about fat helping separate me from others in ways I want. I find this to be true in dating, especially.

Of course, in losing weight, I've become more attractive to men. And I feel pretty ok with that. But not entirely so. Part of me feels like I'm still too fat to date anyone. But then these guys come and ask me out, and I'm flattered, but never actually follow up with them. I've got emails from 3 different guys who I relented to give my email addy but never actually replied to their invitations to go out.

Much of me feels like it's too soon. I'm still about to lose another 40 lbs or so, and that means other changes in my life, too. I don't think it's a great idea to have someone else along for that ride. But then again, I know that in matters of love, things don't always pan out as we'd time them, and I could be losing out on something good.

So how does this relate to Lee's son and to the fb movie? I think because there's something comforting about the IDEA of a good (unavailable) man. And there's something comforting about the space that the internet provides between me and others. It allows me to avoid actually having to meet real men and give them a chance and to have the space/separation I used to get from the fat but am losing by the pound.

Because, after all, I would NEVER want to actually meet the good man. Good men don't tend to like me (it's true!) - I systematically and almost exclusively attract arse holes. So, in many ways, I find that I'm putting off giving men a chance until I'm in a place where I feel that I have more to offer?

Not sure this is healthy (there are healthy parts and not so healthy parts to what I'm saying, I think) but it is where I am.

So, single ladies. Where are you on this journey? Not-so-single ladies, any advice? (And trust me, I know that the weight loss has its own complex dimensions for couples, too!)

Please share!

xxoo
Rosa

Rosa!

Well - first off, you need to love and like yourself before you can ask someone else too.  The WLS journey is very complex.  I've found through my dating experiences that when I've told guys they were very supportive and very happy I was taking control of my life back.

But - the issue many have found (I frequent the Singles board too) is that the guy attracted to the heavy lady (because he likes heavy women) aren't necessarily attracted to the skinny woman, regardless of personality.  Yes, I know we all say that if he loves you it won't make a difference, and to some guys it doesn't - BUT - that is usually true to someone who you had a relationship with before WLS and it was a good strong one to endure the changes of WLS and after.  The one you are just getting to know now, unfortunately is going to go by physical attraction first.

It does take quite a long time for our brains to catch up with our bodies.  We still see the fat girl in the mirror and zone in on the "problem areas" that we've always hated, and not appreciate all the good WLS has done for us...  BUT - the other side of the coin with singles and dating is getting intimate.  Now we're not fat, we have the hanging skin.  How is a guy going to react to that?  Again, most say by the time you get to that part of your relationship it shouldn't matter - BUT, that really doesn't make us feel less self conscious about it. 

But - since you have recognized and realized that fat was separating you before from guys, and now the internet is, makes me think that you are well aware that soon you may need to come to grips with actually getting out there and meeting someone. 

But - don't do it before you are comfortable, but sometimes stepping out of our comfort zone can yield some very good opportunities!!

Now - regarding the "attracting arse holes" - unfortunately we seem to kiss a lot of frogs before we find our prince. That doesn't change no matter if you're fat or skinny. 

My biggest beef with dating skinny?  Guys seem to think its ok to bash fat people.  I haven't gone on several "2nd dates" because I gave them an earful and made them feel like little itty bitty ants I stepped on....

Come over to the Singles Board - and read up on some of the peoples' dating experiences there - introduce yourself and post questions - BUT, be prepared to hear it the way it is - some there don't fluff their advice.  Most of the time we actually need to hear reality spoken sometimes.

Thanks, Jody!

I completely forgot about the Singles board! Hmm. Not sure I'm ready for it. Not the straight-talk part, that's fine. But I think I'm not ready to think THAT MUCH about dating (outside of my therapists' office.)

I don't have any loose skin yet. Oftentimes, when I lose a lot of weight in one area, the skin will become dry. I exfoliate & moisturize like crazy and it tightens up, (which might have more to do with genes than anything else.) But there's still a lot more weight to lose.

It's funny how we exchange one thing we don't like under the clothes (fat) for another (loose skin). I'm praying that my skin will continue to cooperate, but I know that won't necessarily be the case. Knowing me, I'll wind up unhappy about something else under there...

You're young still - and that has a lot to do (I think) with the skin elasticity and firming up, and also how long you've been MO.   I'm 51 and have been fat off and on since I had my first child 26 years ago.  The longest I stayed "thin" was for 3 years, then it all came back on. 

Take your time and date when you feel like it.  Just admitting to yourself (and us) that you are contemplating tells me you are getting ready to move on to another phase of your life. 

I read this post before Kathy's... as far as FB and taking off your fat pics?  Well - I see nothing wrong with that.  Its not like disowning your old self, as we all remember where we came from, but looking ahead to our new, healthy and vibrant selves. 

Thanks, Jody!  This is helpful encouragement.

Rosa......
As Keanu Reeves would say ...
"Whoa"
This post is packed with A LOT.  I deliberately did not read any other replies because I'm still trying to get my head around all that you said.  
I think it sounds like you have been disappointed by so many arse holes that they were beginning to mess with your self-confidence and self-esteem.  At the same time you were putting on the weight over the years (and who knows what is causal and what is a result of the poop that happens in our lives).... The weight made you feel better.  Did it give you a more palatable explanation that you could point to for why the good men didn't stick around?  Is this what caused you eat and gain the weight? Was it the rejection that made you eat or was it easier to tell yourself that the eating (and consequential weight gain) is why they didn't stick around? The latter would be so much easier to accept than the former.  -- The notion that the good men just 'aren't that into you'  can be just too hurtful of a concept to bear.

Now, here you are... Part of the reason you got WLS was to get yourself back into the dating game... to be more attractive, etc.  And here you are, in such a short time you have slimmed down, you are attractive to men again...(and with that new hairstyle, maybe more attractive than ever before). And it's working.  The men are coming a'calling again.  But it's scary. it's risky. You've been burned before and now you are not sure how you would cope with being burned again.  Because if they don't want that 2nd or 3rd date, then what is wrong?  Thanks a lot, Playa...for nothing.  You want to protect yourself.  It's almost self-preservation. Will your self-esteem withstand this rejection?  You are in a really happy, good place right now and a jerky guy could really do a number on you.  OK....K Rosa - BEFORE YOU FEEL COMPLETELY OFFENDED by my seemingly impersonal analysis, HEAR THIS:  I have just described how my 21-year-old daughter and 99% of her beautiful, young, attractive college girlfriends feel at this very moment.  If this is an accurate portrayal, then slide down the bench along with women everywhere right now.  

This just might be the all-time worst periods in the history of dating for a woman to be in the market for a man.  And that's all I have for you. I think I have more insight to share for your situation in particular, but for now that's it. I don't know what I would do if I were out there right now. Men just don't want,  nor do they need, to settle down anymore and boy are they waiting to do so.  And they want easy, vacuous relationships.  They want to remain frat boys and playas.  Why?  Because they can.

 That sounds really right, Kathy!  Not offended at all!

I mean, as you all say, there's a lot to this.  On the one hand is the victimhood, where bad people have done bad things to me that have caused the psyche to suffer.  On the other hand, there's my own personal responsibility in relationships.  I bore incredibly easily.  I accept all kinds of horrible treatment, and then, all of a sudden, I don't, and out I go.  (These two are separate, btw.)

But I think that the hardest thing for me is that in my interpersonal (dating or not) history, I have tended to be like a chameleon.  I am very adept at recognizing how to make something work, how to  fit in and fulfill people's dreams of me almost instantly.  Men have fallen for me quick and hard when I do this.  But then I get sick of being this composite creature who has no real relationship to who I actually am (if I can remember, by then) and I go away.  

As I said, I have done that in many aspects of my social life.  But when I started out in my current line of work, that started to make much less sense, and my true self began to emerge.  And, I got older & tired of those antics.  

Now, in order to date, my challenge isn't so much loving myself as a creature, a person, a woman, whatever.  I have a strong sense of self - even if that doesn't come through in my post.  The issue becomes integrating my sense of self into the persona I share intimately. I haven't done that yet, which is, I think, why I hold off. For now.  This part is the healthy part.  

Next step is rooting out the unhealthy part. Since it hasn't happened yet, no dating for me, I feel.  But one day...

 Wow, talk about a packed thread.

First I just want to say that I think that WLS recovery can be very isolating and lonely.  I don't think people that haven't had the surgery understand how much time is devoted to exercise, support group, figuring out how to eat/live, and obsess about getting to goal.

I have always found the internet dating sites keeps a shield up because most of the time the men are geographically unavailable etc.  Very very safe. Much the way my fat kept me.

For years I've read adds (and actually dated men from online) where the man is looking for an activity partner, looking for someone height/weight proportionate.  Yeah right.  I couldn't do much activity and my proportions only resembled a very overflowing hourglass.  Biking, skiing, scuba diving?  Hmmm, not so much.  But in my heart, that's the woman I've always wanted to be, the active one.  

The way I've viewed the dating routine lately is that I wanted to get as healthy as possible so that I would attract a healthy man.  Do I want to date an obese man?  Not so much, so I understand about a man wanting a fit woman.  I hoped that with WLS I would become more the woman that I want to be and attract a man that I want to be with.

I've been feeling lonely and isolating too much so over the weekend I updated my ad on PlentyofFish and put an ad on eVow. com as well.

I've actually gotten some responses and my first date request is from a 44 YEAR OLD who knows that I'll be 60 on Wednesday.  Sweet guy who asked if I'd like to go to the SF Museum of Modern Art.  Nothing to say that I'll go, but I think it's good practice to respond to the emails.

I wish I had answers Rosa, but no, just fumbling around here myself.  I haven't been this weight since I was in my 20's so this body thing is all new too.

Great topic!

Gosh, Lee, that's tomorrow! Your 60th! I can see how it would be an isolating feeling leading up to the big day. We're with you, honey.

I know what you mean about the good practice of responding. And I admire you for getting yourself out there! You're the first to know how important positive thinking is when entering into something. I'm the first to say "follow your instincts, too". I think that's a place where a lot of women fail themselves. (I know I have, anyway).

Anyway, let's just plan to fumble together, Lee!

Thanks for weighing in on this.

Rosa, I am lucky that I was with a great guy a few years back.  He treated me wonderfully and really set an example for the type of man that I'm looking for.  When you feel like you've had the best, it's hard to settle for less, but it's so great to know what I'm looking for in terms of how I get treated.

It just occured to me that I broke up with the guy on my 50th birthday.  No wonder I'm feeling a little sad.  It's not so much the number on the scale as a marking of the passed years that can never be reclaimed, so get yourself out there.  If you want a partner in your life, don't put it off because we never know how many we'll have to go through to find our "right match".

I just had to smile as your last line made me think of Sarah Mcglocklins (sp?) song, Fumbling Towards Ecstacy which was very popular around 1996.