Will we ever shake the weight in our hearts?

Ava's fashion post got me thinking.  I could tell you what my dream outfit would be, because I do have one in mind.  But first let me preface it by telling you how I  have spent the last 7 years being fat. If you care to hear it.... When I put on all this weight in 2004/5, I felt so unattractive that I just stopped caring about my appearance altogether.  My feeling was, if my body is this slovenly and unattractive, what's the point in styling my hair or putting on makeup or even trying to find 3XL clothes that are stylish?

Reaching this point was a gradual process. One by one my subscriptions to beauty and fashion magazines expired, I stopped giving myself manicures (let alone going for professional manicures, as had been my habit in my former life). And while many heavy women still enjoy buying themselves pretty shoes, my feet were so puffy with edema, that I had to resort to wearing  Crocs for many years. Oh yes, I did!  (The profile pics here were taken on rare occasions when I had to look decent for a family event or something.  That's not the norm for me! Not since getting fat anyway.)  

So I played Barbie with my darling daughter these past 7 years, giving her my share of the clothing budget. And my boys always look decent.  No "lookin' like a fool with their pants on the ground" for them, thank you very much!  If you don't know what that's about google it on youtube. 

A strange mindset came over me these years that I hope to shake along with the excess weight.  Somehow, in the course of living like a fat, unkempt, frizzy haired matronly old woman, I actually became that old woman. 

So what happens to your self esteem, your dignity, your identity when it is so choked off by fat that and you no longer can see anything attractive in the mirror anymore? 

Well, the answer became very clear one day a few months before my surgery.  I was having one of my monthly check-in appointments with my psychiatrist and he was talking to me about something and he framed something in the context of me being a woman...., "as a woman you must have felt....."   And all of the sudden I felt a searing ache in my heart and I started to cry.  I realized for the first time, that what had really gotten lost in my fat and fat mindset, was that I actually no longer felt like I was a woman anymore.  That word no longer applied to me. Upon hearing that word ascribed to me, all I could do was cry in mourning for the wasted years. 
 

Wow U put that so eloquently and precisely Kathy ....but of course I can SOO relate .....that was the WORST and most frightening part ...seeing not just a PLUMP but an AGED person looking back from the mirror ..... and easily seeing shades of the old lady i would become on this same path ....

Overeating ages U .I wouldnt be surprised at ALL if they proved this on a CELLULAR and concrete level ..... also that STOPPING overeating , proper supplementation , exercise and sunlight REVERSES much of that progressive disease ....

Actually, I want to clarify my post. It is not that I actually became old..... What happened was I had a terrible self image on account of my weight. This in turn caused me to give up on the rest of my appearance. Over time, these feelings snowballed into one big self loathing pity party to the point that I no longer viewed myself as being attractive or having anything of value to offer. I gave up on myself and crawled into a big hole.  So when Ava asked the fashion question, it just seemed so foreign to be talking about clothes and to picture myself coming out into the world again.  

Beautifully put, you stunning, gorgeous lady woman, you!  

And what you say about being disconnected from your womanhood is fascinating, tragic, and relatable.  I think that I was headed in the same direction.  There's a way in which the fat serves as a separator.  For many of us, the separation fat offers is actually desirable - it puts space between us and others, space that we feel we need.  

But an unintended consequence is that it also separates us from ourselves, because a solution fat offers to one problem introduces yet another - harm to ourselves.  And when self-harm becomes a solution, the yield is damage, damage in ways we can't even predict, I imagine.  

A very fat friend of mine got angry with me a few days ago when I posted my new fb pic (taken the same day as the current OH one).  In part, she worried that my face looked gaunt and that I had lost color.  (the latter is true.  I spent a lot of time inside this summer, but was also proud of my walks outside as I was able to do them.) The other thing that has made her angry is that I untagged all of my fat photos on fb, too.  She said, "I hope that you're not disowning your old self."  

To be fair, everything she said was worth saying, I think.  I wasn't mad at her for it.  She said these things because she was concerned about me, and she was concerned about herself.  Both are good, IMO.  

But I explained to her that I wasn't disowning my old self at all!  In fact, I am finally owning my image.  I've always owned my words - that's nothing new.  Words are how I make a living.  But owning my whole self - including what people see - is new.  

And this connects to what you're saying, Kathy, because it involves owning myself as a woman, too.  As a beautiful sexual being created by God to live.  

A journey to health is a journey to wholeness.  Remembering *who we were created to be* and positioning ourselves to return to the wholeness of whoever we are and could be points us to health in very exciting ways.

Thanks for inviting this kind of reflection, Kathy lady!

Rosa

Rosa, I can completely understand the Facebook fat photo purge. I did the same thing! But I think I do want to say goodbye to my old self. My old self was so hobbled by my poor self image that I was not a thriving, productive person. I don't mind the idea of reinventing myself. It's not so much a reinvention as a reawakening. 

Wow, you ladies are eloquent.  What beautiful, heart felt posts these all are.  I can so relate to all of them.  You put many of my thoughts into words that I couldn't and I thank you for that!

Why thank you for your kind words, Sam. 

Kathy, that was so beautifully said.  I can relate to the not feeling like a woman.  For so many years I felt so uncomfortable around other people.  I had to really get to know someone to be comfortable with them.  I would hardly look some people in the eye.

I feel like an entirely different person now.  I love most of the attention I'm getting and it really makes me feel more like a woman.  I can actually do my own manicure and pedicures now that I can reach my feet!!

I'm going shopping with my DD in two weeks and I hope she can help me with some new clothes.  I have no fashion sense at all...  I am back in blue jeans that zip instead of elastic but I don't want them to be my only clothing item that I wear to work this winter.

Linda 

Thank you, Linda. It's comforting to know that we are not alone in our feelings. I also felt uncomfortable around other people. When I was around other women I would scan their faces for signs that they were judging me.  While I was probably a little paranoid, in reality most of the time they were judging.  Prejudice against obese people is one of the last "acceptable" prejudices to have. And another thing I definitely know to be true is that thin women feel that fat is contagious.  They just don't want to be around it....therefore us.  I was getting to the point of being almost agoraphobic because I did not want to be seen by others.  I didn't want to be judged.  

Now that I have lost a few pounds though, I am shaking off that nonsense and am getting involved in all kinds of things!  Yaaay!  And I LOVE that you are going shopping with your DD.  If only we could get you on one of those makeover shows, right?  Well, there is no reason the two of you couldn't throw in a trip to the beauty parlor too, if you wanted to.  Or maybe you could have your colors done.  Have you heard of that?  Color Me Beautiful.  I don't know if they still do that, but they used to be in the business of identifying what colors look the most flattering on you.  It can be life changing! Maybe your daughter can help you with that too.  Then you can not only get nice, pretty clothes that make you look like a million bucks because of the fit, but also complement your skin tone, hair and eye color too!  

You will have to post some photos of yourself in your new duds after your shopping trip.  
Kathy 

Kathy,
I actually did the Color thing years ago for my make up.  We were at a seminar and a bunch of girls went and had this done together.  I always wore blue eye shadow and the lady said that I should never ever wear blue eye shadow.  She seemed so offended with my blue eye shadow that I've never worn it since then!!

I am in the process of changing my hair style and letting it grow out some.  It has been super short for years.  I have to get it cut about every 3 weeks while it is growing out.

Good for you to get out and get involved in things.  It will only get better!!

Linda