The inner hunger

 Ive  ALWAYS  been a HUNGRY one .   Hungry for life , hungry for experience ...  the opposite of the quiet fearful  kid who hung out in the corner .    I mean ..i mightve hung out in  the corner with a good book .... but  basically I was SLAVERING for experience even at a young age .  

 I made almost  every recipe in the joy of cooking after school for my Parents  ( and ate most of it  of course ) before i  was  in middle school .... 

i wake up now wanting butter chicken ... or some other delight .  I can make just about ANYTHING fat and sugar free ....yet even THAT isnt enough ....  because its not calorie free ..and its not really that which i want .  Ive EATEN  EVERYTHING in the world .   Ive eaten my way AROUND the  world LOL .  

I know all the bathrooms  that lock in Manhattan .... i know all the great buffets and restaurants all over the US and the world ( and they know me ) ...and its  ENOUGH .  Ive had ENOUGH .  

I truly Truly  dont want to go back there - to that feeling of  my stomach sitting sideways , of being too sick to stand up ,  of being logy ,  of feeling HUGE  , of my clothes  not fitting , of wanting to hide  because  i HATED the way i felt and looked ......of  not  wanting to BELIEVE the number on the doctors scale ..or the HBAIC  test !!! HE-LLO

I want  to forge a new gourmet relationship with food .   Kind of like the Japanese .   Where its all about the exquisite bite .  The moment . The beauty .  Setting the perfect  place setting .   Sitting in the   cherry grove with the blossoms changing literally  hour by hour  and SEEING them.  Enjoying lovely conversation , feeling graceful .   Not getting piggish stains all  over your exquisitely  embroidered  antique kimono .  

When I  was small I had NOTHING  .  I came out into the world determined to grab EVERYTHING all at ONCE .  And i DID .  NOthing was off limits .  If i wanted a  dinner for twelve darn it i was going to HAVE It   andi DID  lol !!    Over and over and over again night aftter night year after year .... And now ...  well , ive had enough ....

its kind of time to  push  myself away from that table , that groaning  board of tastes  and sensations  ive tasted a THOUSAND times  and find out what else there is in life .... 

Im going to say this once . Like most of us Im a mutt . Im a mixed background , part peasant , part nobleman . I allowed the peasant and communist Parents to put me in the kitchen and make me a free housekeeper as a child .

Who knows .. maybe it kept me alive ... or maybe it was the worst decision EVER not to run. In any case it was Made. I STAYED. I COOKED . I SERVED. I DiSHWASHED ( by hand - 3 unforgettable meals a day ) . I PRUNED the bushes, plowed and swept the 1/4 mile long driveway, mowed the lawn and god knows how many other thankless and pay - less tasks .

My point is I dont have to live like a servant any more . I thought like a servant for many years aspiring to the possessions and the freedom of my betters .

But i never realized that I really WAS those betters ... if I would only pull myself together . And that stalwart peasant blood ... well thats hardworking , tough good stuff . With a good heart , its a winning combination . With talent , its unbeatable .

Ive carried a chip on my shoulder the size of an OXCART for as long as I can remember . Maybe its my excuse for overEATING lol .... . The truth is ...ive been very lucky .

Im still here ... despite all my horrible habits . I havent worn my body out , miraculously . Noone killed me in my dangerous travels .

And i still have a great chance to learn my lesson - a VALUABLE lesson i suspect and contribute something significant to the world .

Thanks for being my loving friends ..Ure the COOLEST !!!

I really apreciated your posts. Thank you for being here adding wisdom to our life!

   well said (typed).  

Oh Ava, you delight me and stimulate my mind.
Thanks for sharing your mind with us.

Ah...your posts are always a breathe of fresh air. I love them and I love that I can to some point.

Wow...really good post. Thank you for sharing.

jan

 Ava honey, that oxcart is heavy.  What say we put them down?

When people offer me things to eat, I say I've already tasted everything in the world and now I'm going to try something different.

I too hunger for everything and learned early on from my mothers who's family are holocaust survivors and victims that life is filled with scarcity and to not dream big or ask for much.  It hasn't served me very well so I've had to look for new life lessons.   

I too had to prepare the meals from the time I was in 5th grade, but it was more because it took both of my parents working to support us.  I never viewed it as slave labor but as what was expected of me.

Time to put the burden down.  It's all about choices now.  Keep our eyes on the positive and fill our hearts with gratitude, or live in bitterness for what was.   Let's keep our eyes forward.

Together we can do it!  

And there IS so much more - there's life!  Reminding yourself to live it will make it so.  

Congratulations to you for the epiphanies and the hard work that brought you to this point, Ava!

Wow, Ava, your musings really resonate with me.  My parents chose to be foster parents but the joke was, I was doing the parenting while my mother lived the life of a princess.  But, in very recent years I have had to let that go.  So what if I did dishes all day every day for 15 people in a house.  That time has come and gone.  I am a very blessed almost 60 year old woman with a loving spouse, some great kids and amazing grandchildren.  Still don't have a LOT of material possessions but my home is comfortable, I have a stable job as does DH and we have an empty nest we are enjoying.

Amazing how those ghosts of childhoods past bite us in the butt from time to time but we are survivors and we are proving it every single day.

I applaud you and admire your style.  You go, girl!

All the best,
Kat