Body Image Obsessive - in Maintenance

We don't often see posts about the Maintenance phase and how we feel about our bodies then.  I tend to ramble so just stick with me here...

During weight loss and when I hit my goal I was very happy with my progress.  When I hit goal - it was the first time in my life I was happy with how my body looked (yes, even with the sags).  For the first time in my life my thighs didn't hit together (yes, even when I as young and 132 they did). 

Its been over a year since I hit goal and I'm still maintaining 125+/- a few.  I love being that weight and am happy there.

BUT (you were waiting for this, right?)  My weight has "redistributed".  I was very happy with my thighs, thin, the inner and outer thighs weren't bad and proportionate, and I felt slim and trim, BUT - during the "redistribution" process, fat has settled into my thigh area (not sure where it came from though - why didn't it just go to my bewbies?  LOL)

Now I'm not happy with them.  I'm obsessing about how they're "almost" touching if I stand with my ankles together.  Before I couldn't do anything to get them to "hit".  When I walk, its not an issue.  When I sit I look at my thighs and think they're wider now....  Not only that, but when I walk by store windows now I don't get that "wow - is that me" feeling, but "I'm bigger" feeling...

I'm wondering... if I didn't have my tummy tuck and some fat cells got lipo'd, would the fat have settled there?  Then the TT would have taken care of that?  (who knows, right?)

So... some of my dress pants are snug in my thighs/butt area.  So I think I'm fat.  BUT - today I put on my Liz Claiborne size 2 jeans, and they fit like they always have, and if I may say so, look totally awesome. 

I'm constantly told by people I'm tiny (which of course I like to hear) but  I just don't see that anymore.   I see my fat thighs and more filled out butt (which isn't necessarily a bad thing).  My tummy is still flat.  I bought a new dress for a wedding recently, and my thighs showed in the picture - never had that happen before.  I don't want to have to go back to wearing spanx.... I caught sight of myself in a reflection yesterday, and saw the thighs sticking out (yes, probably was looking for them). 

I thought my head had caught up with my body - and it did before the re-distribution.  But now, the doubt has come back and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it.  Its not society that is causing these thoughts and doubts - but my expectations that things shouldn't have changed.  Now I wonder "do I need to lose 5 more lbs to see if I can get rid of those" - but there's no guarantee that's where it will come off from.   Do I have plastic surgery and see if that will correct it?  (no guarantees there either and expensive)  I guess the real issue is - why can't I be happy with my success so far - why can't I accept my current body as it is at age 51?  Maybe because I was totally happy with it it for a short while and now I'm not?  At one time I looked almost too skinny (without clothes) - but I liked that look.  I don't have that anymore. 

I'm happy with my arms (no major batwings), my bewbies are somewhat deflated, but a good VS bra makes a world of difference, my tummy is flat (scars could be better but not complaining about that), arm definition tone is good... its just my damn THIGHS!! 

Why are we so darn hard on ourselves? 

Here's what I'm wondering......while you are in the losing phase, you are losing fat and quite a bit of muscle. It's inevitable. After you're done losing, I would suspect that you would begin to rebuild the muscle. Do you think that could be the change in leg shape?

Well - I suppose its possible.  During my active weight loss phase I was on the elliptical, running etc.  that was ONE place I didn't think I'd lost muscle from - but definitely know I did from my arms, etc. 

 We're hard on ourselves because we have unrealistic expectations, and because we thought that losing weight would enable us to have "perfect" bodies.  The fact that you're concerned that your thighs almost touch when you stand with your ankles together scares the crap out of me.  I was anorexic for years and my thighs STILL touched.  I think that you look healthy, and you probably didn't before the redistribution.  If you liked the look of being "too thin" and you recognize that fact, it may be time to go talk to a professional about your concerns to help you get used to your new body.  The thing is that your body will probably continue to change throughout your life with fat moving around to different places as you get older.  The maintenance phase is the time when you lose the joy of "is that me?  OMG!"  You and others get used to your appearance, it's no longer novel, special and new.  Have you considered counseling to help you work through some of these feelings and anxieties?

I never really expected a "perfect" body, especially with the sagging, but I guess when I say "perfect" I was referring to being happy with it, for the first time in my life.   I was all gung ho for plastics to take care of everything, but have backed off on that - accepting parts of me for what they are. 

Yes, I know my body will continue to change... even if I don't want it too.  I'll accept that - but geez, I'd like some control over where it will go!!!

Well, I was hoping to save a few dollars on counseling if someone here can give me an "ah ha" comment or moment!

But - yes, I've considered it for other parts of my life, and it wouldn't hurt to mention it too.  I just haven't taken that first step.

 I wish we were smart enough to give ah-ha moments to solve all of our problems!  I just think it's an issue that takes some time to work through, more than a thread on the internet can give you

Jody!
I have to say everything you said is so true! But on a side note, I look at you and see this beautiful thin lady/grandma! And say WOW! So, even though we have a hard time with different areas of our bodies, others don't see those, they see us a just thin! I think you should be proud of all you have done, because it's people like you that people like me look up to! I use to have the larger thighs and butt, so right now even with the sag I am satisfied, because for once I don't have the fat butt! I hope the little I have left stays with me! (how odd is that). Now I just hope to tone my sag in my legs and butt some....I too wish for bigger bewbies! But some day maybe just maybe they will come :****il then my $20 fake ones do the trick! I am waiting to see if my head does ever catch up with my body. Right now, I can see myself in jeans and say WOW I look good! But in some of my shorts I say, oh no.....I wish I didn't have the sag! I just keep telling myself the sag is better than the fat I once had!

And again Jody, I say you look fantastic!!!

You know - I look in the mirror and say "so, what do I want - the more "filled" in look or the sag".  I say the sag... that can be covered up by clothes easier!!  I don't wear shorter shorts for the same reason you don't - but I'm ok with that...

I know other people don't see it (well some don't - one person I know does), but its just because I was so totally happy with them before and now I'm really worried they're going to go back to the "way they were"... without gaining weight... if you know what I mean! 

I'm somewhat of a control freak - and when I don't gain a measurable amount of weight, and these changes are happening - its got me freaking just a little...

And thanks for the sweet compliments! 

Hey Jody,

For the record you look awesome!  I have noticed my thighs look bigger lately too, but when I measured them, they were actually a little smaller (half inch), what's up with that?  Have you measured?  I think the fat is redistributing now too and wi**** would go where I told it to!

No - I didn't measure but that's a good idea.  My measurements I took during my active weight loss phase weren't accurate - the tape I used was confusing... so I couldn't be sure if it was the same or not.

Well - that's just my point.  I think we should have a say in where it redistributes to - agreed?