Body Image Obsessive - in Maintenance

Hi Jody,

I can so relate to what you are talking about.  Just a bit of history, I am 5 ft ll.5 inches tall.  My goal was 155 lbs.  When I got there I felt fantastic, but knew right away I wanted to lose another 10 lbs.  I did that and felt absolutley incredible.  Flat stomach, slim thighs, along with all the other wonderful body parts (those 2 areas where my problem areas so I will only discuss those...)

I am maintaining between 146 - 148 for the most part and have been for months... sooooo why is my stomach no longer flat, why are my thighs so wide again...  when both look so incredible?  I don't get it, AND better yet, I don't like it!!  I felt amazing, better than ever.  I don't like how this weight has redistributed and settled back on my problem areas.  Not fair...  I thought we had a pact...

Do I look slim, you bet, do I fee great, you bet, am I proud of myself, absolutely... but did I look better right after I lost my weight... well in some areas YES!  I AM pleased how some weight came back on my face and on my chest... very pleased they both look better now than just after I finished losing.

So what am I doing?  Well just like I did at 155 lbs, I gave it some time, I maintained for awhile, and now I have made the decision to go down to 140 lbs.  I made this decison for two reasons:
        1.  To hopefully lose the weight I have gained on my tummy and thighs
        2.  To maintian under 145 lbs because I did not like how I looked up at 149 and 150 when I crept up there recently.

Sounds logical right?  140 lbs, will put me 4 lbs from being Underweight!  WTH!!!  Oh my, now I am wondering if I just needed a bit of lypo or something like that in my thighs and tummy.  My entire life I always had bigger thighs and tummy... why would it be different now?

But when I first lost, it WAS diffent, they were both gone!  It was amazing, I felt amazing... so I am going down to 140 lbs.  If I get the tummy and thighs again.  Then I may go back up to 145 lbs and save for lypo... I want a flat tummy and thin thighs like I had when I first lost my weight...

Do I understand where you are coming from or what!

Big hugs,

Cindy

Cindy - thanks!  I think I needed to hear someone else was going through the same thing as I.  Perhaps its a silent sort of pergatory we put ourselves through?  LOL.

I hope you can find you your happy medium, just like I have to.  I truly think that if I try to lose more, it will just come off from somewhere else.

Don't get me wrong - I do appreciate what this surgery has done for me - but I wonder why it sets you up to let you down!  LOL - ok, maybe its  not that bad.. but sometimes we wonder why things happen like they do.

I think after all we have suffered that we have EVERY right to love our bodies naked as a jaybird, in clothes , in ultra tite JUNIOR clothes with out belly buttons hanging out ..however we WANT .

Now the beringed belly button hanging out thing isnt always the most flattering on a grandma ... but U know a lot of guys find it hot .

We have a RIGHT to find ourselves Hot , experiment with our look, go a little crazy ..and really Appreciate and Enjoy our new bodies.

So no , I dont think theres anything weird about this thread. My "bad "bodypart is my torso.. and upper arms and big shoulders .... and ,like U , im regaining there even though the scale may or may not have risen slightly .

Now i KNOW what i have to do ... running takes off the torso weight very temporarily ( for 24 hours ) - if i want MORE than that its lipo time....And by the way , lipo is more or less an impermanent fix too ... the fat comes back at least partially five years post ....

With respect to thighs , i hear dancer's stretching a la pilates really changes contours ...as does yoga and swimming . But realistically - there area LOT of empty fat cells in our formerly fattest parts . The second we eat a bit of fat .. its gonna settle there !!

It s our individual decision how we choose to handle this .. what course will give us the most peace , self appreciation and lasting happiness. FOr some people donating the money for lipo may feel better than actually having a flat tummy ... NOT FOR ME !!!

I know people mean well by constantly suggesting counseling ...and though we could ALL probably use some sometimes i do feel my already shaky self confidence is undermined by that otherwise helpful suggestion . Its kind of rough to hear my sanity doubted .... because im not 100 %sure about it myself after losing almost half my body weight .

But my common sense says that Obviously it takes a little while to get USED to living in this brand- new body . Getting my bearings or adjusting my bearings regarding my body during that time doesnt make me INSANE or even CONFUSED , or even TROUBLED .

No doubt a therapist could probably help ..however there is a societal stigma to seeking and receiving mental health therapy . I think its best to be TACTFUL and DIPLOMATIC and on this subject ,perhaps . Treading lightly ..with sensitivity .....

Ava - I was wondering what took you so long!!  LOL.

Thanks for your very candid and forthright reply!  I can always count on you to tell it like it is! 
I knew you'd understand...

But you're very right - it does take time to get used to this new body - not just physically but mentally too.  NOW - I need to be sure I maintain this new body and not let it get out of control!!
 

Hi Jody,
  I don't have any answers for you, but I can assure you that I would feel 100% the same way if I were in your shoes!  It's not that you don't recognize your successes.  It's just that this matters to you!  Of course you know the health benefits, and you know that they matter most.  But aesthetics matter to us, too, and I can relate to your feelings entirely.
  Anyway, please remember that your feelings are yours and you always have a right to them.  The best thing to do is to recognize them.  It's when you're not aware that we worry...


  Now.  As to the counseling bit, I'm a counselor myself, and I think it's always good to talk through transitions in general.  It's not a referendum on anyone's mental health to seek out confidential counseling sessions.  ;)  But look how sane I am!  And yes, I have a counselor.  :)

xoxo
R

Am I supposed to ask who your counselor is - so I can go to them too?  Isn't it known that the counselor the counselors go to are the best?  LOL... just kidding.

Thanks for your reply.  I do recognize my successes, but I tend to focus on my negative aspects a bit too much at times too.  That's why I named this thread "obsessive"...  Because sometimes we focus on things a little too much that perhaps doesn't deserve that much attention!

Hi Jody!

First of all, I think you look amazing, and congratulations on your weightloss, and your gorgeous granddaughter!

When I was 108 pounds, yes, 108 pounds, at 5 feet 4 inches,  I had the same issues.  I felt that my thighs were big, my butt was huge, that if I just dropped 5 more pounds maybe they wouldn't look that way.  And, I was the ONLY one who thought they were big.  And now, when I look back at those pictures, I think God, I was skinny, REALLY skinny, and my thighs were small- not big, SMALL!  I wish I could have seen that back then, and not tortured myself on a daily basis with feeling so self-conscious all the time.

I know I will never be 108 pounds again, and I don't plan to- that is too light on my frame.  But, when I DO hit 130, my goal weight, I know that I am going to have the same hangups again.  Not liking my big butt, my large thighs.   But I am going to save this post in my favorites, and I am hoping I can look back at this post and remind myself that "Amy, you have done everything you can to work those thighs and butt, and damn it, they look great!, so get over it and realize that you have done an incredible job losing all this weight and going to the gym and eating right, and you are an amazing woman!" And, I hope that you, Jody, can realize that for yourself too.

Jody, you said that when you were in your major weightloss phase that you were on the elliptical and running a lot?  Are you still doing those things?  If not, then maybe it would help your self-image to get back to that routine, and know that you've done what you can to tone up your "problem areas".  (of which I can't possibly imagine at 125 pounds you have any!)

Thanks Amy! 

I guess my biggest fear is that my thighs WON'T stop growing especially when I'm not gaining weight!  but, thats just something I'll have to keep a check on.

I have gotten lax with my exercise, and am now getting back into it.  I figured that if the thighs are going to be my fat catcher, the least I can do is get those muscles toned so they'll look better.  

I do want to join a gym - the weather here is now getting very iffy for outside activity.  I still have that elliptical sitting in my living room - for some reason I can't bring myself to get on it... I have to though.

Yea - I know I look great to everyone else and they don't concentrate on the thighs.  Its just that I notice them because they've changed... I'll deal with it and get over it... Actually, I think I'm looking curvier now - not that "straight" body look I had before.  I've always been a curvy person and when I had that "straight" look - it was very different to me. 

 I think we have to think of our bodies as something other than objects that we can control and decorate. If we could experience our bodies doing what they are meant to do...working..running..moving...being active ..stretching...and appreciate how they can move and bend and twist now that we are no longer heavy...to live in that place...to focus on life outside my skin...my scale...my fridge...my obsessions..that is what I long for...freedom...having had the surgery and losing the weight...I am striving for peace of mind...this surgery has taught me that for everything there is a price...hair loss....loose skin...and then there is the natural aging process...and the fact that the last time I was this lean was 16 years ago and I don't look like this anymore...I remember when I was 18 I went on a camping trip for a month and did not look in the mirror for that time...only hiked..lived in nature...and wore the same clothes...never did I feel freer...I did not think about my body because I was using it to climb and hike and take me to where I wanted to go..
ladies I do not have the answer...but these are my thoughts for the day....SEAVIEW

Another thought from a very different angle .....

Ive often been criticized here ( not in the LW forum but elsewhere on OH ...people LOVE to criticize me lol!! ) for wanting to model and/ or perform .. to be a model size.. for striving to have a " perfect " body or thinking too much about looks .

They tell me to act my age lol !! think about PRIORITIES ! and other people !! All the SUFFERING in the world ...etc......

Well the funny thing is ..I translate THEIR posts as infinitely depressing . Their focus is almost all on their children and grandchildren . Anything positive or their own remarkable achievement is immediately followed by a disclaimer talking about the inevitable degeneration of aging ..... YIKES !

To me , they have one foot ( or maybe nine toes in some cases) in the grave... and they are absolutely SPITTING on the excellent possibility of being happy , healthy , beautiful , strong and self focused TODAY .

And so many of these same people spend far more time talking about ILLNESS than i do about my tummy roll !! LOL !! I f the time wasted obsessing is the same ... then give me rip-roaring good health , a few extra lbs and joyful vitality any day of the week .....

And yes .. I DO think giving up on Ur dreams and ill health are directly linked ... Ure not taking care of urself spiritually .. u dont consider Urself important ... Ur focus is on OTHERs ... next thing U know Ull be HURTING . Codependents get sick far more than other groups- caretaking really IS proven to be bad for Ur health ....

One of the things I've always loved about Jody is her frankness about enjoying a beer , going out n having a good time with her friends ... her HOTT motorcycle driving Gilf Self .... she's a COOL chick ! ( And a loving grandma!! AND excelling in a VERY responsible position at work .. SO COOL !! )

And i too,like the last poster , absolutely appreciate the great joy of living in a body that WORKS - that has grace and efficiency and POWER in motion .... ive likened it to driving a ferrari ....but i dont see how thats any different really from having a beautiful body .... U use it ... it will become graceful and gorgeous nekkid ...bath or no bath LOL


I guess I just cant see any harm in wanting and striving to be our best selves . We've had to give up so many dreams for SO LONG . To deny ourselves those same dreams NOW when they are just out of reach - so much closer than they may EVER have been .. seems so STIFLING and counterproductive ...

Dont we deserve to be a little vain ? And so what if those dreams are a little immature ?

We may be driven to realize them precisely because on a subconcious level we need to heal in exactly those areas ... and healing there will permanently lessen our inner childs tendency to clamor for extra food.

Do we Have to be better than everyone else ? Are we the moral guardians of the world .. have we taken VOWS ?!!

Or maybe is this all we feel we deserve ... since we are the ever guilty secretly overeating Fat girl still in our minds ?