Body Image Obsessive - in Maintenance

Jody,

I do think you are beautiful but I think I do understand where you are coming from.  All through my teens and up to my early 30s I bounced between 86 pounds (yes, 86 during my anorexic phase) up to 108, which seemed to be my "set point."  Men were always flirting with me and my husband was very complimentary (as much as men ever are) and honestly he still is.  BUT... a few of my friends and ESPECIALLY my mother and mother-in-law constantly belittled every aspect of my looks.  Who did I listen to?  You guessed it. 

When looking over some pictures recently I had an epiphany.  Dang it!! I was really cute for several years and never believed it!!  I wanted bigger bewbies, I wanted thicker hair, I wanted to be blonde, I wanted, wanted, wanted.  

I am NOT comparing you to myself.  Just trying in a feeble way to say your feelings are valid and in understanding them, you are ahead of the game.  You are a smart lady and you will find a way to deal with this or fix it...... I have every confidence in you.  There ARE some perks to getting older and wiser.

All the best to you,
Kat70   

You are very right - about the age/wiser thing!

That's a reason I wanted to throw this out there.  It hasn't really been discussed during the maintenance phase - but is often referred to during the active weight loss phase. 

There are a lot of newer post-op people on here - that perhaps can be a little more prepared for what MAY happen to them 1 1/2 - 2 years out. 

I guess one reason why I want, want want this SO bad - is because I've never had it before - until now, and got a nice little taste of what its really like!  I like it - but, with the redistribution and not having a say on where it goes... makes me feel kinda helpless on that part.  Especially since I haven't gained much weight (2-3 lbs).  If I had gained 5-10 lbs I'd understand it... Makes me wonder if its just going to keep getting worse and worse....

But then, I have told myself 2-3 lbs on me now is more noticeable than 2-3 lbs was at 218 lbs...

Great question Jody. Dont have a good answer.
I feel we all have a certain amount of body dysmorphia. We are never completely happy with ourselves. I worry because my sister who is 98-99 pounds has a lot more dyspmorphia than I have. Is that going to be me in the future? I dont know.
All I can say is you have done an amazing job and look fantastic.

Thanks Maria!  I know I've done a good job - I just don't want to screw it up.

I think this is something a lot of people go through, but perhaps don't say anything about.  Or maybe I'm just the obsessive one - LOL... 

But - maybe that's a good thing.  Perhaps it will keep me on track, give me a reason to NOT get laxadasial with my eating, vitamins, protein, etc. 

I do not think that you are being obsessive at all. I think with our past experiences with food we need be aware and diligent in using our tool, or we will backslide.
Being so new, this weighs heavy on my mind. (no pun intended) I fear failure like all my past diet experiences.
So maybe not being happy with one area of your body is a good thing to keep you on the straight and narrow. I hope I will be the same way.
Here's to success!

I'd hate to hear how your head talked to you when your BMI was 40ish!!!   Seriously, you are wearing a size 2 jean, enough said, girl. 

I don't know why we are so hard on ourselves, but I am sure trying to get over it.  I am still in the lossing phase, and you may have only wanted to hear from those in maintence!!  I have only lost 62 lbs, but thought I would want all sorts of plastics with I hit goal...but now I don't think so.  I'm proud of the way I look in clothes...clothes off well....still a lot of fat and now saggy.  But  I know I'm never gonna look like I did when I was 40 and nl wt.  (now 59 and counting)...I am getting over it, and I hope you can learn to love your body too, just as it, redistriuted fat and all....you are beautiful and have been so supportive of me and lots of others on this forum.  It hurts to see you hurting.

Jane - I appreciate input from everyone!

Perhaps I'm just more sensitive to my thighs because I've always hated them.  I loved them for a little while and am now I'm just disliking them - lol....

Well - the 2' aren't really common in my closet.  Most my clothes are 4's.  I have even come to accept I may have to buy 6's at some time - but also know its a lot better than the 18's I was wearing before surgery.... 

The main reason I had the tummy tuck is because the insurance did cover it.  But, I didn't like the way it flapped around.  The deciding factor was one day I was running through the airport trying to get to my plane and didn't have spanx on, just regular cotton undies and it was flopping all over the place.  I was really hoping no one noticed but it grossed me out! 

You are beating yourself up over less than 5 pounds and less increase in width than it takes to go up a size...

Does that put it in perspective?

Seriously, I believe part of this process is to learn to love and accept ourselves. Many of us beat ourselves up for years because we couldn't control our weight and I've noticed a fair number continue to do so even after they've lost all the weight and look fantastic. I think it's kind of a habit we've gotten into for some, maybe a self-esteem issue for others. But it's something that we need to work on, because it's not logical.

Marie

I guess what kinda freaks me out, is that my thighs ARE getting wider and I am pretty much the same weight as I was last year with the skinny thighs.  And thinking - uh oh - if this keeps up - will it ever stop?  Pretty soon I'll look like an apple walking around .   Exaggeration of course..

But I do agree with you - we have to accept ourselves the way we are.  I know I am fortunate the saggy skin I have now isn't really as bad as it could be.  When I had my tummy tuck I felt kinda guilty knowing there are people out there that would have loved to have my little hanging panni versus what they had to deal with.  And here I was getting mine taken off....  That's one reason why I'm not actively pursuing the rest of the plastics I originally wanted.  I've come to accept most of what was handed to me...

I know I'll accept it for what it is - but did want to throw it out there so others know that once you lose your weight, the body image issue can still jump to the forefront. 

I can always count on you to give me the logical side of things!!

It's not just about being logical though; it about being kind to ourselves and not succumbing to the cult of female perfection.

I am just seeing a lot of posts from you lately where you are beating yourself up because you are up slightly from your lowest weight and it concerns me. I see A LOT of post-ops do this. I've done it myself. But I think it's a slippery slope and it's really not healthy. We've all done so amazingly well and are in such a good place now and, instead of being happy about it, we are obsessing over 3-5 lb. And our thighs.

I truly believe most of us go lower than is right for our bodies and then we become fixated on that number and become obsessed with it. It's as if we are telling ourselves "I got there once so I must stay there or I'm a failure / I'll gain all my weight back."

It reminds me of when I was younger and, no matter what I weighed, I would always think I had to lose 10 pounds. I just couldn't be happy with my own body. And it was HAWT too. But it wasn't perfect and I couldn't love it.

I just don't want to be that person any more and I don't want my friends to be suffering like that either. I want us all to be happy and proud!