xpost When a few crappy choices equal more crappy choices! - or Keep your dogs close!
Great post.
This journey so far has shown me that my relationship with food was just unhealthy. I just hope with my new tool, that I will be able to keep that trixy***** under control! I am learning some new coping methods and other ways to deal with my emotions. Not to say that I probably wont be rolling around in some deer poop in the near future, but hopefully i will be able to say, stop that!
Thanks!
This journey so far has shown me that my relationship with food was just unhealthy. I just hope with my new tool, that I will be able to keep that trixy***** under control! I am learning some new coping methods and other ways to deal with my emotions. Not to say that I probably wont be rolling around in some deer poop in the near future, but hopefully i will be able to say, stop that!
Thanks!
The tool does a lot of work, especially at first, but I went through the forums and found every "help I am X out and have gained X much" and copy and pasted them into a document. What I found was, the further out folks got, the more they tend to forget they are not normies and snack, snack on poorer nutritional choices, or just plain on dive back into bad habits.
I realized that I had to seriously retrain me and my bad habits. I could not rely on eating less to just get me to where I wanted to be and keep me there! (this is for me! Maybe it will work for anyone else, but I paid 10 grand out of pocket, I emptied my retirement fund - this is not a casuah "meh, whatever" kind of thing for me).
I have 3 books that I cycle through to keep my mind in the game - Shrink Yourself, and Beck Diet solution are sort of the same, cognitive behavior books, to help me not just autopilot through like I did before. I like Shrink Yourself because he deals with peeling your "emotional onion" as it were - where Beck is a Do A. B. And C. kind of gal. Both have good wisdom to share, just a bit differently. The third is the 10 Thin Commandments. He shares that there are not good and bad foods, but good and bad food HISTORIES. Example, if given a choice between 2 cookies and a cup of mousse. If 2 cookies have X calories but I have never NOT eaten the bag, then it does not matter how many calories in a serving. But if 1 cup of mousse has more calories, but does not drive me to binge, then that is the better choice. I do not have a history of abuse with mousse. He helps you to see what foods you love are foods that you could keep around for all the time, have sometimes, have rarely, or just box out, because the triggers, or binges or whatever it brings on is such that, its not even worth it. He calls it Boxing things in and boxing things out. Tortilla chips - I ate a lot of them on my way up. A LOT OF THEM. I love them! I have them once a month, maybe, but only when we go out or if they are at a social outing. They do not come to my house, unless we are having a function, and then, that night at the end of the function, they get crunched up, put in the trash and something nasty put on top of them. I do not have the "whatever" in me to let a bag of them sit in my cabinet. I just do not - I will think of them all the time, and I will wake up in the middle of the night and "make deals with myself" about eating them. See? For them, to have here at home, is just not worth the anguish, for me. If I have them more than once a month, I hear Trixy whisper that I could just get some and not TELL anybody!! But if I have to hide it? That's a huge flag that I ought not be DOING it. So - those are the books I used to retrain me on how to keep a better eye on my "dogs" Because we all needed retraining (me and the dogs), because none of us were just "doing the right thing" naturally. Does that make sense?
I realized that I had to seriously retrain me and my bad habits. I could not rely on eating less to just get me to where I wanted to be and keep me there! (this is for me! Maybe it will work for anyone else, but I paid 10 grand out of pocket, I emptied my retirement fund - this is not a casuah "meh, whatever" kind of thing for me).
I have 3 books that I cycle through to keep my mind in the game - Shrink Yourself, and Beck Diet solution are sort of the same, cognitive behavior books, to help me not just autopilot through like I did before. I like Shrink Yourself because he deals with peeling your "emotional onion" as it were - where Beck is a Do A. B. And C. kind of gal. Both have good wisdom to share, just a bit differently. The third is the 10 Thin Commandments. He shares that there are not good and bad foods, but good and bad food HISTORIES. Example, if given a choice between 2 cookies and a cup of mousse. If 2 cookies have X calories but I have never NOT eaten the bag, then it does not matter how many calories in a serving. But if 1 cup of mousse has more calories, but does not drive me to binge, then that is the better choice. I do not have a history of abuse with mousse. He helps you to see what foods you love are foods that you could keep around for all the time, have sometimes, have rarely, or just box out, because the triggers, or binges or whatever it brings on is such that, its not even worth it. He calls it Boxing things in and boxing things out. Tortilla chips - I ate a lot of them on my way up. A LOT OF THEM. I love them! I have them once a month, maybe, but only when we go out or if they are at a social outing. They do not come to my house, unless we are having a function, and then, that night at the end of the function, they get crunched up, put in the trash and something nasty put on top of them. I do not have the "whatever" in me to let a bag of them sit in my cabinet. I just do not - I will think of them all the time, and I will wake up in the middle of the night and "make deals with myself" about eating them. See? For them, to have here at home, is just not worth the anguish, for me. If I have them more than once a month, I hear Trixy whisper that I could just get some and not TELL anybody!! But if I have to hide it? That's a huge flag that I ought not be DOING it. So - those are the books I used to retrain me on how to keep a better eye on my "dogs" Because we all needed retraining (me and the dogs), because none of us were just "doing the right thing" naturally. Does that make sense?
Wonderful post, Brandilyn! Thanks for putting it so well!
Rebecca
Circumferential LBL, anchor TT, BL/BR, brachioplasty 12-16-10 Drs. Howard and Gutowski
Thigh lift 3-24-11, Drs. Howard and Gutowski again!
Height 5' 5". Start point 254. DH's goal: 154. My guess: 144. Insurance goal: 134. Currently bouncing around 130-135.
Circumferential LBL, anchor TT, BL/BR, brachioplasty 12-16-10 Drs. Howard and Gutowski
Thigh lift 3-24-11, Drs. Howard and Gutowski again!
Height 5' 5". Start point 254. DH's goal: 154. My guess: 144. Insurance goal: 134. Currently bouncing around 130-135. 
I'm so grateful for this post and won't forget your parable/analogy.
I have a question: who calls me back? So far, it's been my tool, but I bet that won't last forever. I don't even crave overeating or foods that will make me sick (sugar). Those were my downfalls. But I'm concerned about what happens when the tool isn't the one reigning Trixy back in?
For now, I'm enjoying the honeymoon and taking full advantage of it.
I have a question: who calls me back? So far, it's been my tool, but I bet that won't last forever. I don't even crave overeating or foods that will make me sick (sugar). Those were my downfalls. But I'm concerned about what happens when the tool isn't the one reigning Trixy back in?
For now, I'm enjoying the honeymoon and taking full advantage of it.
Maybe you will not ever crave the foods you craved before, but I find the further out you get, the more you forget you ARE NOT a normie, and when trouble comes, *not if, but when - because its life, and trouble's going to come until the day you draw your last breath* if I have not been practicing good habits under stress, then I revert back to my old way of doing things! Which may not be the case for you, but is definitely the case for me!
The dogs are like, my attitudes, my choices, my feelings, my mindset. Before surgery - when I was "between" diets, or when I had just thrown in the towel - those dogs were out of control. eating things, wallowing in dead stuff, eating poop and rolling in it yaay! After surgery, my attitudes, choices, feelings, mindset all needed to be retrained. I have 3 books that I cycle through to keep my mind in the game - Shrink Yourself, and Beck Diet solution are sort of the same, cognitive behavior books, to help me not just autopilot through like I did before. I like Shrink Yourself because he deals with peeling your "emotional onion" as it were - where Beck is a Do A. B. And C. kind of gal. Both have good wisdom to share, just a bit differently. The third is the 10 Thin Commandments. He shares that there are not good and bad foods, but good and bad food HISTORIES. Example, if given a choice between 2 cookies and a cup of mousse. If 2 cookies have X calories but I have never NOT eaten the bag, then it does not matter how many calories in a serving. But if 1 cup of mousse has more calories, but does not drive me to binge, then that is the better choice. I do not have a history of abuse with mousse. He helps you to see what foods you love are foods that you could keep around for all the time, have sometimes, have rarely, or just box out, because the triggers, or binges or whatever it brings on is such that, its not even worth it. He calls it Boxing things in and boxing things out. Tortilla chips - I ate a lot of them on my way up. A LOT OF THEM. I love them! I have them once a month, maybe, but only when we go out or if they are at a social outing. They do not come to my house, unless we are having a function, and then, that night at the end of the function, they get crunched up, put in the trash and something nasty put on top of them. I do not have the "whatever" in me to let a bag of them sit in my cabinet. I just do not - I will think of them all the time, and I will wake up in the middle of the night and "make deals with myself" about eating them. See? For them, to have here at home, is just not worth the anguish, for me. If I have them more than once a month, I hear Trixy whisper that I could just get some and not TELL anybody!! But if I have to hide it? That's a huge flag that I ought not be DOING it. So - those are the books I used to retrain me on how to keep a better eye on my "dogs" Because we all needed retraining (me and the dogs), because none of us were just "doing the right thing" naturally. Does that make sense?
The dogs are like, my attitudes, my choices, my feelings, my mindset. Before surgery - when I was "between" diets, or when I had just thrown in the towel - those dogs were out of control. eating things, wallowing in dead stuff, eating poop and rolling in it yaay! After surgery, my attitudes, choices, feelings, mindset all needed to be retrained. I have 3 books that I cycle through to keep my mind in the game - Shrink Yourself, and Beck Diet solution are sort of the same, cognitive behavior books, to help me not just autopilot through like I did before. I like Shrink Yourself because he deals with peeling your "emotional onion" as it were - where Beck is a Do A. B. And C. kind of gal. Both have good wisdom to share, just a bit differently. The third is the 10 Thin Commandments. He shares that there are not good and bad foods, but good and bad food HISTORIES. Example, if given a choice between 2 cookies and a cup of mousse. If 2 cookies have X calories but I have never NOT eaten the bag, then it does not matter how many calories in a serving. But if 1 cup of mousse has more calories, but does not drive me to binge, then that is the better choice. I do not have a history of abuse with mousse. He helps you to see what foods you love are foods that you could keep around for all the time, have sometimes, have rarely, or just box out, because the triggers, or binges or whatever it brings on is such that, its not even worth it. He calls it Boxing things in and boxing things out. Tortilla chips - I ate a lot of them on my way up. A LOT OF THEM. I love them! I have them once a month, maybe, but only when we go out or if they are at a social outing. They do not come to my house, unless we are having a function, and then, that night at the end of the function, they get crunched up, put in the trash and something nasty put on top of them. I do not have the "whatever" in me to let a bag of them sit in my cabinet. I just do not - I will think of them all the time, and I will wake up in the middle of the night and "make deals with myself" about eating them. See? For them, to have here at home, is just not worth the anguish, for me. If I have them more than once a month, I hear Trixy whisper that I could just get some and not TELL anybody!! But if I have to hide it? That's a huge flag that I ought not be DOING it. So - those are the books I used to retrain me on how to keep a better eye on my "dogs" Because we all needed retraining (me and the dogs), because none of us were just "doing the right thing" naturally. Does that make sense?
This is one of the best threads I have ever read and I am copying the link to my library "notebook" I am building for myself for post-op. You wonderful ladies have such wisdom and such generosity in sharing for all of us (speaking for myself) still shaking in our flip flops (hope I can wear BOOTS again this winter).
I appreciate you all more than you will EVER know.
Blessings,
Kat70
(12 days and counting until VSG)
I appreciate you all more than you will EVER know.
Blessings,
Kat70
(12 days and counting until VSG)
I am 4" 11" HW: 207 SW: 190 CW: 163 Surgery date: 9/23/10
Tell you what girlie, you are about to embark on an amazing journey of getting to know yourself!! Get to know yourself and your reactions to things, and to different foods, and focus on being good to yourself, and SHOWING yourself love by way of moving purposefully, feeding yourself nutritionally, and making sure your head stays in the game.
I bet you can wear any of the boots you desire, my love!!
I have some things that might be helpful (or maybe not, but maybe!) in my blog, like how I would cook in bulk and freeze to make making choices easier on me, making it easier on me to feed me and my family when I did not eat much and did not really care to cook every day! Stuff like that.
This is a great place to learn things! And too = every post you ever read about Help I am X out and have gained X much - LEARN FROM IT!! Those folks come back and tell you about pitfalls that lie ahead if you are no****ching! Be thankful for the warnings and keep your eyes open!
I am excited for you! Whoot!
I bet you can wear any of the boots you desire, my love!!
I have some things that might be helpful (or maybe not, but maybe!) in my blog, like how I would cook in bulk and freeze to make making choices easier on me, making it easier on me to feed me and my family when I did not eat much and did not really care to cook every day! Stuff like that.
This is a great place to learn things! And too = every post you ever read about Help I am X out and have gained X much - LEARN FROM IT!! Those folks come back and tell you about pitfalls that lie ahead if you are no****ching! Be thankful for the warnings and keep your eyes open!
I am excited for you! Whoot!
(deactivated member)
on 9/11/10 12:44 am
on 9/11/10 12:44 am
I reread Ur amazing post BrandiLynn and just wanted to thank You for it again ...
yeah it really rocked my world at first .. Oh I did NOT want to be told i was wallowing lol .... and that i was comfortable LIVING There and less comfortable showing up for myself daily , working with exercise and disciplining my urges with kindness and self love ....
but of course it absolutely true . I was fat for a reason , many reasons , and bad habits have as much to do with it as weight gain prone genetics , if not more .....
yep i was WALLOWING in self pity ..and letting my hungry dogs go wherever they wanted to go ( and the amazing thing is the more i let em eat the hungrier they get ! )
Right now i feel very very lucky that I am not wearing the evidence ....( which IS probably due to my hard work over the years exercising combined with my WLS ) ...and im getting my flabby butt out to the inline track .....and saying a few thankful prayers in the meantime ....
Thanks for being a true , caring and loving friend and really pulling my coat in the most gentle ( but clear and unmistakeable) way possible ...
huge HUG! 
yeah it really rocked my world at first .. Oh I did NOT want to be told i was wallowing lol .... and that i was comfortable LIVING There and less comfortable showing up for myself daily , working with exercise and disciplining my urges with kindness and self love ....
but of course it absolutely true . I was fat for a reason , many reasons , and bad habits have as much to do with it as weight gain prone genetics , if not more .....
yep i was WALLOWING in self pity ..and letting my hungry dogs go wherever they wanted to go ( and the amazing thing is the more i let em eat the hungrier they get ! )
Right now i feel very very lucky that I am not wearing the evidence ....( which IS probably due to my hard work over the years exercising combined with my WLS ) ...and im getting my flabby butt out to the inline track .....and saying a few thankful prayers in the meantime ....
Thanks for being a true , caring and loving friend and really pulling my coat in the most gentle ( but clear and unmistakeable) way possible ...
huge HUG! There's an adage, that I cannot find the right verbiage for, but the gist is - there are 2 dogs fighting, how you can KNOW which one is going to win, is the dog you feed. I think its the same with us and our habits - the ones that get strongest are the ones we nurture.
Like resentment, its just a little baby, until we nurse it and nurse it and then it becomes a full blown grudge. Because we fed it. If we starved that MoFo, it would not have had a chance.
This is a learning thing for all of us girlie! Not being able to use food exactly how we used to will make us get creative, either in learning how to better nurture ourselves, or how to bring on the self destruction we were hell-bent for in the first place.
Well, you know, not everyone, because we are so different in clumps, but those of us who did a whole lot of medicating with food and have years of using food as a distraction.
You are doing great girlie. You are getting to know yourself differently than ever before. This is, for some of us, turns out to be so much more of a journey about us knowing ourselves intimately than we bargained for!
Big ol hugs right back to you, sweaty inline track girl!
Like resentment, its just a little baby, until we nurse it and nurse it and then it becomes a full blown grudge. Because we fed it. If we starved that MoFo, it would not have had a chance.
This is a learning thing for all of us girlie! Not being able to use food exactly how we used to will make us get creative, either in learning how to better nurture ourselves, or how to bring on the self destruction we were hell-bent for in the first place.
Well, you know, not everyone, because we are so different in clumps, but those of us who did a whole lot of medicating with food and have years of using food as a distraction.
You are doing great girlie. You are getting to know yourself differently than ever before. This is, for some of us, turns out to be so much more of a journey about us knowing ourselves intimately than we bargained for!
Big ol hugs right back to you, sweaty inline track girl!
(deactivated member)
on 9/11/10 6:17 am, edited 9/11/10 7:00 am
on 9/11/10 6:17 am, edited 9/11/10 7:00 am
I am such a GREEDY person ....food wise , clothes wise , house wise , beautiful jewelry wise .....yet I am so amazingly reluctant to feed my own HAPPINESS.
Like I learned to live with so much emotional pain ... and I keep going back there ... because like U say .. its COMFORTABLE .
And otherwise i am such a VITAL Person .. and thats the thing i love about my irrepressible greediness and curiosity .... the vitality . Yet , in the opposite direction ... I embrace actions that bring about endless frustration and bottomless sadness ... even potentially sadness unto death ....its very scary .
Theres a rawness and an emotional vunerability that happens after WLS . IN a way , i think ,many of us never grew up - we just put ourselves on ice if U will with excess food and hid behind a wall of misery-making but conversely emotionally self protective fat .
WE never had to be "Realistic " about our dreams - our minds remained unfettered if endlessly sad because we could never live except in fantasy .... when we get kissed back to life after WLS like Snow white - a hundred pounds lighter ....life is still what it is .. painful , frustrating , hard work ...every single day .
Every day is full of temptation ... and Ure right .. its not really the food thats so tempting .. its giving those darn dogs their head , dropping the leash and the tenuous control ... and just RELAXING the old way .
Well a very successful person once told me ... ill relax when Im DEAD lol. IN a way IM SO GLAD that I discovered OA and the other 12 step groups ( like Underearners Anonymous visions meetings ) long before i had WLS because I HAVE put in place many relaxing alternatives to overeating .... healthy activities like enjoying my garden and my beautiful serene light and plant filled uncluttered home .
I can take a long bath in my swimming pool sized nineteen thirties tub and READ when i get crazy and scrub off my dead skin cells, sweat out a few toxins and go to bed and wake up a changed woman .
I can go exercise ..and in twenty to thirty minutes run a few miles that make me feel great the rest of the day .
Or i can go take a walk on a long , deserted sandy beach and enjoy the gorgeous clean air , wildlife and beautiful New York skyline because i went to the trouble of getting a federal parking permit sticker and required fishing license early in the season . In past years I just didnt have the fortitude or caring for Avas sanity and health to actually DO that for myself though the park is just fifteen minutes from my house . This year I enjoyed it again and again .
Another thing that I can do now that I could never do before is put my own emotional health FIRST and put aside time first for ME , before i agree to caretake anybody else . Thats also a first in my life - that Ive carved out entire weekends just for ME so I could have the time to take care of myself , make meetings , exercise and GROW .
I am no longer contented with being an exhausted wreck at the end of a productive working day .... I demand to know how I can sustain that effort and also be HAPPY . That's a FIRST !!
I HAVE come along way ...albeit very very slowwwly ( probably cuz im so hard - headed lol)
The thing i need to learn now is to push every day .. but take the pressure off myself . In other words to do my best but let go of the results . Micro managing every tiny detail like the perfectionist that i am helps me get jobs but also hurts me because I put way too much emphasis and importance on each one . I have to learn to handle rejection and NOT take it personally or let it allow me to quit trying ....
You know what they say.... its life on life's terms YIKES . Thats not AVA's terms .....always ... lol . But then again sometimes we cant even IMAGINE the wonderful opportunities God will open up for us when we demonstrate our willingness to show up every day ....
Like I learned to live with so much emotional pain ... and I keep going back there ... because like U say .. its COMFORTABLE .
And otherwise i am such a VITAL Person .. and thats the thing i love about my irrepressible greediness and curiosity .... the vitality . Yet , in the opposite direction ... I embrace actions that bring about endless frustration and bottomless sadness ... even potentially sadness unto death ....its very scary .
Theres a rawness and an emotional vunerability that happens after WLS . IN a way , i think ,many of us never grew up - we just put ourselves on ice if U will with excess food and hid behind a wall of misery-making but conversely emotionally self protective fat .
WE never had to be "Realistic " about our dreams - our minds remained unfettered if endlessly sad because we could never live except in fantasy .... when we get kissed back to life after WLS like Snow white - a hundred pounds lighter ....life is still what it is .. painful , frustrating , hard work ...every single day .
Every day is full of temptation ... and Ure right .. its not really the food thats so tempting .. its giving those darn dogs their head , dropping the leash and the tenuous control ... and just RELAXING the old way .
Well a very successful person once told me ... ill relax when Im DEAD lol. IN a way IM SO GLAD that I discovered OA and the other 12 step groups ( like Underearners Anonymous visions meetings ) long before i had WLS because I HAVE put in place many relaxing alternatives to overeating .... healthy activities like enjoying my garden and my beautiful serene light and plant filled uncluttered home .
I can take a long bath in my swimming pool sized nineteen thirties tub and READ when i get crazy and scrub off my dead skin cells, sweat out a few toxins and go to bed and wake up a changed woman .
I can go exercise ..and in twenty to thirty minutes run a few miles that make me feel great the rest of the day .
Or i can go take a walk on a long , deserted sandy beach and enjoy the gorgeous clean air , wildlife and beautiful New York skyline because i went to the trouble of getting a federal parking permit sticker and required fishing license early in the season . In past years I just didnt have the fortitude or caring for Avas sanity and health to actually DO that for myself though the park is just fifteen minutes from my house . This year I enjoyed it again and again .
Another thing that I can do now that I could never do before is put my own emotional health FIRST and put aside time first for ME , before i agree to caretake anybody else . Thats also a first in my life - that Ive carved out entire weekends just for ME so I could have the time to take care of myself , make meetings , exercise and GROW .
I am no longer contented with being an exhausted wreck at the end of a productive working day .... I demand to know how I can sustain that effort and also be HAPPY . That's a FIRST !!
I HAVE come along way ...albeit very very slowwwly ( probably cuz im so hard - headed lol)
The thing i need to learn now is to push every day .. but take the pressure off myself . In other words to do my best but let go of the results . Micro managing every tiny detail like the perfectionist that i am helps me get jobs but also hurts me because I put way too much emphasis and importance on each one . I have to learn to handle rejection and NOT take it personally or let it allow me to quit trying ....
You know what they say.... its life on life's terms YIKES . Thats not AVA's terms .....always ... lol . But then again sometimes we cant even IMAGINE the wonderful opportunities God will open up for us when we demonstrate our willingness to show up every day ....
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