Im not happy with my weight but ....

I'm healing ~ slow but healing. One thing I've learned is that our concerns are big concerns even though they may be small to others. Your concerns are very important and I hope you are able to sort things out. You do what's right for you.  Here for you!!  sunshine!! 

Ah, Ava.  I've been trying to think of what to say to you all night!  

I guess I don't have any advice, per se.  You're well aware of the issues behind what you raise.  

What I do have is a question.  Do you have a picture in your mind of what it would look/taste/smell/feel like to be satisfied?  

 Thats an INTERESTING question Rosa .... yes i DO .  I would want to feel GAUNT  the way i felt when i could barely stomach any food and i was LOSING or right after a three day juice fast in the past .... and also like  i could STAY That weight ...that it wasn't just a momentary abberration .   

I would LOVE to be able to get into my graciously donated sample clothes and have them fit me like they fit the model on the runway ....loosely and louchely ..... elegantly , not be barely able to zip them up  a la stuffed sausage casing !!  

I love having DEFINITION .  Under the fat is a GORGEOUS set of muscles ... and I love being able to SEE them and flex them ..  theres nothing i love more than a fit womans  arms , her smooth , high tight underarm area ,  a six pack or at least a flat , tight core ....  love - handle less bending over in low rise jeans with no rolls in sight .

HOnestly , I have NEVER had this comfort in my own body .  I work as a gosh darn model and expect to get fired every minute literally  of every day .   Someone says Ava come here ..Im absolutely  convinced theyre about to fire me .... lol .  These days i get fired for my nose being  un photogenic more than my weight ...but im still too fat .  

Ive NEVER been not too fat , EVER ever .  So thats my dream... to finally be comfortable in my own body before the camera .   

Incidentally , I think my heart is also 115 lbs size .. I think theres a definite limit how big I can be and still be healthy .  So theres another imperative driving me to be small  other than vanity and work ( which are BIG ones ) .  I just feel a LOT healthier at a lower body weight .  I think i did some heart damage or at least lost some of my heart muscle through over strenuous fasting over  many years .  That muscle never comes back - so I'm told .  Basically the heart just beats faster when the body gets larger and eventually gives out very early .  I can FEEL  extra  heartbeats when im heavier ..its  REALLY  SCARY . 

 Hi Ava, I was wondering where you were the last few days.  I just want to send you lots of hugs and to also say Happy New Year.

When I read what you said about modeling "plus", it really pissed me off.  No wonder none women are so screwed up about body image. If  plus is a size 8, I was an elephant at 22.  NOT  All of this is just so sad to me that we torture ourselves for unrealistic goals.

I really hope the sport team works out for you.  What a blessing to have be physical instead of torturing yourself over the scale.  

I wish that you could see yourself the way that we do.  As we say in OA... its about progress, not perfection.  Where were you last Rosh Hashanah, and where are you today?  Find your gratitude girlfriend because it's what will get you through.

Ava, you are absolutely gorgeous, and you are just as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside.

 Aww thank U Lee and Kimberley ...  Ill Tell  U guys EXACTLY where  i was last Rosh Hashannah ...

I was hiding out from my boyfriend the doctor because I had to gain even more weight to get surgery and i felt like a 240 lb WHALE .   So he ended up dating ( and now marrying someone else Lol !! )   

I couldn't fit into any of my clothes  ( even the " normal" plus size samples  size eights - now theyre  a LOT smaller lol ) ... and was wearing huge tent dresses and giant sweaters and floor length skirt s.  Its amazing how easy modesty is when U feel revolting !    I wore the same 3  outfits day after day ....

Food wise and health wise i never felt so sick .   Just working part time  took everything I had and MORE .  I ate all the time , spent so much money and time obtaining junk ... and felt like I was DYING after i ate it  from chronic GERD , heart issues and diabetes .  

I stopped accepting invitations for Sabbath  or anything else ....  even with my most nonjudmental friends just cause i felt so darn Bad ....I was a B....ch on wheels in the house .....wow what a CHANGE .  

Yep  whatever happens ....I am SO GRATEFUL for my lifesaving surgery .  Its made happiness and good health  POSSIBLE .