Im not happy with my weight but ....
(deactivated member)
on 9/8/10 7:35 am
on 9/8/10 7:35 am
Sometimes I think about where I was a year ago .... and im very grateful to be here now . Still its not nearly ENOUGH .
Im walking a show tomorrow in fashion week... but its as a plus , and im getting paid bupkes as they say BECAUSE im a plus . I DONT feel attractive or comfortable in my own skin AT ALL as i was finally beginning to 20 lbs of regain ago .
That said . I m auditioning for a professional sports team on Saturday - roller derby of all things . Another thing ( well skating ... I dreamed about the olympics ) that was a dream that Id resigned myself to never doing because of my weight and ill health .
So Im in this weird limbo of gratitude and frustration both . One thing this lifesaving surgery ( and a million years of OA ) HAS taught me is that my excess weight is just NOT MY FAULT . I am sick and tired of owning the responsibility for my BODY being out of control hormonally or whatever way .... it is NOT my illness mental or spiritual ( for years I thought it WAS my fault ) though I have to deal with it on a daily basis else I will expand a pound a day lol.
Somehow acknowledging the unfairness of the whole situation and validating myself makes it a lot easier to do what I have to do every day to keep my weight under control .
I dream of a DS ..but I run every day LOL. Today .. its OK .
Im walking a show tomorrow in fashion week... but its as a plus , and im getting paid bupkes as they say BECAUSE im a plus . I DONT feel attractive or comfortable in my own skin AT ALL as i was finally beginning to 20 lbs of regain ago .
That said . I m auditioning for a professional sports team on Saturday - roller derby of all things . Another thing ( well skating ... I dreamed about the olympics ) that was a dream that Id resigned myself to never doing because of my weight and ill health .
So Im in this weird limbo of gratitude and frustration both . One thing this lifesaving surgery ( and a million years of OA ) HAS taught me is that my excess weight is just NOT MY FAULT . I am sick and tired of owning the responsibility for my BODY being out of control hormonally or whatever way .... it is NOT my illness mental or spiritual ( for years I thought it WAS my fault ) though I have to deal with it on a daily basis else I will expand a pound a day lol.
Somehow acknowledging the unfairness of the whole situation and validating myself makes it a lot easier to do what I have to do every day to keep my weight under control .
I dream of a DS ..but I run every day LOL. Today .. its OK .
(deactivated member)
on 9/8/10 9:03 am
on 9/8/10 9:03 am
the plus size samples range from 2 to 6 .... and im having REAL trouble with the biggest dress which hapens to be a strapless black metallic floor length stretchy lace ..... and because its so large and long ends up about 4 inches too long for even my tallest stilts lol. HOpe i dont trip tomorrow or it falls down lol .... booby city !!
(deactivated member)
on 9/8/10 12:26 pm
on 9/8/10 12:26 pm
nah ..its the new definition of plus !! LOL !! I cant believe it either ..but ill take whatever work i can get .....
so this is the way i see it - plus size = real woman size so samples are dESIGNED for 8- 12 but actually shown in 2-4
and ultra plus - ie lane bryant sizes-are not even ON most runways yet ....
well the only thing is I think fashion is SLOWLY waking up to the fact that its lost its audience because pre teens who ARE size zero are too poor to buy expensive clothes , real women ( average American size 12-14 ) dont find the stuff on the runways flattering or worthwhile ... and the FEW and far between women who ARE size zero and rich ..almost always look great in a child s t shirt and some fairly inexpensive jeans and / or a bikini - I E they dont NEED clothes .
SO who's BUYING the designers offerings lol ?!
so this is the way i see it - plus size = real woman size so samples are dESIGNED for 8- 12 but actually shown in 2-4
and ultra plus - ie lane bryant sizes-are not even ON most runways yet ....
well the only thing is I think fashion is SLOWLY waking up to the fact that its lost its audience because pre teens who ARE size zero are too poor to buy expensive clothes , real women ( average American size 12-14 ) dont find the stuff on the runways flattering or worthwhile ... and the FEW and far between women who ARE size zero and rich ..almost always look great in a child s t shirt and some fairly inexpensive jeans and / or a bikini - I E they dont NEED clothes .
SO who's BUYING the designers offerings lol ?!
Ava - ok - tell me what "a plus" is...
You're not even a year out - how could you have gained 20 lbs? You had a very faulty scale if I remember correctly - you need to realize that.
I know you have issues with eating, but I think you're way too hard on yourself. You're a beautiful person, both inside and out. You need to realize that.
I do hope the sports team works out for you - even though you'll get a lots of bumps and bruises from it. I remember as a kid watching roller derby and wanting to do that... I'd get my ass wooped now
Go out there, strut your stuff and who everyone who you really are. I betcha people will love to see you and think you are HOT!
You're not even a year out - how could you have gained 20 lbs? You had a very faulty scale if I remember correctly - you need to realize that.
I know you have issues with eating, but I think you're way too hard on yourself. You're a beautiful person, both inside and out. You need to realize that.
I do hope the sports team works out for you - even though you'll get a lots of bumps and bruises from it. I remember as a kid watching roller derby and wanting to do that... I'd get my ass wooped now
Go out there, strut your stuff and who everyone who you really are. I betcha people will love to see you and think you are HOT!
HW-218/SW-208/CW-126/ Lowest Weight-121/Goal-125 - hit 8/23/09/Height-5'3"
Regain 30 lbs from 2012 to 2016 - got back on track and lost it. Took 8 months.
90+/- pounds lost BMI - 24 or so
Starting BMI between 35 and 40ish?
Join us on the Lightweights Board!
(deactivated member)
on 9/8/10 9:12 am
on 9/8/10 9:12 am
the second i stop exercising ..I gain . This SUCKS . thats all i can say ..other than i cant live without carbs .... and food in general ....
U know I DID hear back from the DS revision docs and i feel no shame putting down my weight as 165 -185 because I would have NO PROBLEM gaining back to that ( probably in WEEKS ) were i to stop living on a diet again. thats what REALLY sucks .
I guess I just dont have the patience to diet anymore , honestly - its like I want to LIVE Life not miss it anymore because of my weight . And darn it - I dont want to be a plus !
I definitely dont want to diet and exercise like mad and NOT lose ... and thats where I am now ...
I think im going to continue to do what ive been doing .. and save my sheckels for a revision. If GOd sees fit to miraculously take the excess weight away between now and then.....then a revision wont be necessary . But in my case I m afraid my body just happens to be one of the most weight loss resistant ones out here .... funny that because U wouldn't know it to LOOK at me.
But if U knew what Id gone through every single day it seems my whole life NOT to be gigantic ....then it might make sense .....
U know I DID hear back from the DS revision docs and i feel no shame putting down my weight as 165 -185 because I would have NO PROBLEM gaining back to that ( probably in WEEKS ) were i to stop living on a diet again. thats what REALLY sucks .
I guess I just dont have the patience to diet anymore , honestly - its like I want to LIVE Life not miss it anymore because of my weight . And darn it - I dont want to be a plus !
I definitely dont want to diet and exercise like mad and NOT lose ... and thats where I am now ...
I think im going to continue to do what ive been doing .. and save my sheckels for a revision. If GOd sees fit to miraculously take the excess weight away between now and then.....then a revision wont be necessary . But in my case I m afraid my body just happens to be one of the most weight loss resistant ones out here .... funny that because U wouldn't know it to LOOK at me.
But if U knew what Id gone through every single day it seems my whole life NOT to be gigantic ....then it might make sense .....
Awe Ava....you are such a great gal!! You have done such a great job and it must be very difficult to be stuck in frustration and gratitude. I know you love your industry but I could not tolerate the unreasonable expectations placed on looks and weight. You are a very beautiful woman!! You'll be awesome at roller derby too!! I'm with Jody on that you are way too hard on yourself...our bodies are our own and we know them best. You'll do what you need to do to be healthy and girl you gotta find your sexy self!! I don't know what else to say but that I'm here for you...
HW / SW / CW / GW (1st goal met!! ) New Goal Weight height 5'3"
230 / 196 / 132 / 135 125
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