depression when it comes to work

 I don't know whether anyone else can relate to this or am i the only idiot who seems to have a real problem with disciplining myself to do work i don't like ?   

Im almost gonna say I have  real problem bringing projects , especially very renumerative , Ava benefiting projects to completion... its almost like I get to certain point and get overcome by lassitude , inertia and wanting to run away and hide my head in the sand ... 

As a matter of fact only the sword hanging over my head of a deadline  really  has the power to make me work on my projects ..IF then.  

When i was small everything i ever asked for in my family of origin was denied , denied , denied .  I was repeatedly punished severely for just daring to ASK  for school clothes, an allowance , a paper route or the right to make money  mowing the neighbors lawns etc.... 

I was punished for wanting to be in the girl scouts , for wanting to take ballet classes , for wanting to have barbie dolls and even friends .... until I stopped ASKING for anything ....  

Im just wondering if the two couldn't possibly be related .   Sometimes getting myself to work for ME  seems harder than trying to slog through knee deep water and SAND .....and these battles go on  every single darn DAY ... as a matter of fact the more important and more renumerative the project the exponentially harder it is for me to work on it .....  

It seems I can only work to benefit others , never myself ....  GRRRR 

I don't know about the issues being interrelated but digging in to something I don't really have an interest in is next to impossible these days, and I have little interest in some of the things I did without thinking pre-op. No idea what's up with this but it's a dangerous precedent and I seem powerless to change consistently. Sometimes I wonder if it's hormonal because it is such a change for me. Or, maybe I'm addicted to OH and talking with WLS buddies and the addiction has taken over.

--gina

 Wow interesting reply as always Gina .  I never thought it could be HORMONAL ..... 

That is why we need to learn to love ourselves first. It is not selfish to take care of our selves.
I am taking care of me, then I am better able to take care of my family.
Not to say that I have this down pat yet, but I am still learning everyday. I learned to take care of myself with food, so now, everything needs to be relearned. It is a journey.
Maria

 Ive decided to seek out therapy .  Much as i hate the idea of having to pay someone to listen to me ... lol...  my distaste is outweighed by a clear NEED to get out of my own way .  

What  didnt'  work for me in the past is clearly not going to work for me in the  future unless i change my patterns significantly lol.

There was a great REASON i turned to food ..maybe because I couldnt cope / feel in control anywhere else .  Now i have to make it in the  great arena I was running from for twenty - plus years lol !!  

of course getting therapy isnt going to be easy ..( when is anything in my life easy ?!  I always choose the HARDEST ways - another therapy issue ) because my insurance currently Sucks ... since they shuttled me into managed care they are managing to duck out of paying for ANYTHING  lol including doctors visits.   

GRRRR  I too have to start doing something other than posting n chatting lol.  There ARE worse addictions ..but the attitude that its OK to constantly feed my head ,my mouth , my emotions is NOT .   Im not a KID anymore .... I need to think and act like an ADULT  to be successful duh . 

Discipline ...discipline ...discipline ....

I have to say I have had some therapy with this surgery due to depression and didnt want to get on meds, and it is the best thing I have done for myself.
It just is different when someone objective is listening to you and can help you shed some light on what you are struggling with.
I am currently reading and working on a book called mind over mood, and it is really helping me with the negative self talk.
I think you are worth every penny  you will spend, and the happiness you will find within yourself will be priceless!
Maria

There's so much to your post, and it might just be too much for you to work through on your own, so it's great news that you're seeking out help.

Meanwhile, consider breaking things up a bit - make one huge task a number of smaller ones, including small tasks that you actually enjoy. That can help boost your confidence in getting things done, and also help you find some joy in the experience, too.

But you're right to tie it back to primary motivations, etc, and a good therapist can really help you wade through those murky waters.

Good luck!

Ava, babeeeeeee. I think I view your post from another angle other than a subliminal psychological connection between your upbringing and your current professional performance.

I don't think it is uncommon for people to get demotivated and less "disciplined" when working for themselves. In fact, that is what probably happens with the majority of people who decide they want to run their own business. This lack of motivation usually happens because not all aspects of your professional projects are truly in sync with what your strengths.

For instance, you are a creative force, but you may despise the paperwork, the charging for your services or the coordination of other people necessary to get things done. You are incredibly successful on your own, but like any worker, there are days that our engines are rusty.

Cest tout, mon cher!

I can totally relate.  I have experienced depression myself both pre/post op.  Have used meds and therapy.

I was told prior to gettting this surgery to remember, the  surgery is on our stomachs not our minds.

I recently have found two things that have been really helping me with my 'thinking' problems. (in addition to therapy...i am no longer on meds).

The book "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle

and the teachings of Byron Katie at   www.thework.com

Its all about changing our thinking.  That and we do have choices.  Even with the awareness of what we are 'not' doing or 'can not' do, it is still that - a choice of either action or no action.  and definitely a good suggestion at least it has been for me is to break things down into smaller projects.  Its not quite as overwhelming.

I can relate to the whole deadline thing.  I have always been known for the saying "...if it weren't for the last minute - alot of things would never get done"   LOL   I am soooo last minute, recently I had a jewelry party (partly to get free jewelry and partlyl to get me to clean the friggin house!!)  I put out the invite 3 weeks prior to the date to give me enough time.  YEA RIGHT  LOL

I literally FINALLY started cleaning at 3am and finished (with a couple breaks here and there) just as the jewelry representative showed up at 12:15pm)  Boy talk about cutting it close!

Never could self-impose a deadline always had to come from outside of me.  Still to this day I work on this.  It's very ingrained.  But I keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Therapy has been a big help as well.  Helps to get unbiased professional help and viewpoints.  My thinking is so screwy I can't see the truth all the time.  I like to say its a very bad neighborhood in this head of mine that shouldn't be visited alone!

OK have rambled long enough.

Your not alone.  Keep at it.  You can do it!!  And post, post, post if thats what you need to do.  Ya might try making a commitment for a certain date to a friend to get something done....you can call them when it is finished by the 'deadline'.  Has been helping me some....sometimes not.

Anyway, good luck to you!
Jen

I still struggle.  But thats ok.  Only have today and thats OK.