OT:GRRRRRRR

Hi all, I need some advice. My grandfather just passed away this evening, we have been expecting it for a few weeks. He was surrounded by his family and went peacefully. Anyway, I had my fiance call his mother to see if she could watch our son, her grandson on Thurday and Friday of this week while we attend the services. Well she gave a beat around the bush answer of no. I am so ticked right now. I don't ask her to keep my son very often (maybe once every 2 mo), and whenever I do, she always has something to do or a reason of why she can'****ch him. But on the otherhand when my fiances sister asks her to keep her 2 girls 3-4-5 times a week she always takes them. I know that I have every right to be mad about this, but what should I do about it. I already told my fiance that I will not EVER ask his mother to keep our son again, and chance are if she wants him she most likely will not be getting him. I'm actually not going to hold my breath on her asking for him, he's 16 mo and not once has she ever asked to keep him. Any advise on what I should say to her. I do want to make it VERY clear of how pissed I am. Thanks, Kimmie

This is a tough situation... on one hand, your future mother in law needs to realize she is being unfair, but on the other hand you don't want to deprive your son of knowing her. I would just confront it. Perhaps there is a reason that is unknown to you why she is not willing to watch after him. I would call her (or speak with her face to face) and just say somthing like "I have noticed that you are always ready and willing to watch after X's girls but avoid watching after mine... is there a reason for this?" and see what she says. I would NOT be rude about it, even though I know you are pissed, but just question it and be open to critisim. Even if she is rude, be the better person and take what she has to say to heart. It could provide to be a learning situation for both of you. Best of Luck, Mary

Kimmie, I have 2 mother-in-laws, and I'm not close to either of them, becuase they both have major issues. So, I completely understand. I am sorry to hear about your grandfather passing, and then having to deal with this. I would feel the same exact way you do. Luckily both my mother-in-laws live out of state. I know I've never felt comfortable confronting them when I have a problem with them. I have my husband do it. I feel it's more his place, and they're less likely to get mad at him than me. I would say have your fiance talk to her. Are his sister's kids older? Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable with him being younger. I have a 17 month old, and I know she can be a handful. It seems we have a lot in common. I hope you find someone else to watch your son. Feel free to email me if you want to vent further. One more thing, maybe having your son there wouldn't be such a bad thing. Small children usually make people happy, and he's too young to be affected by seeing your grandfather like that. Just a thought. I know it would be harder for you. Amy

Amy, I have decided that this is something that I need to confront her on. I feel that I have do this myself, for myself. I know my fiance is really embrassed that his mother has done this. Which if it was my mother I would feel the same, but I would also be angry and have to say something to her. His sisters kids are 10mo and 4 years - the four year old is a lot harder to controll than my son...she's kinda spoiled and know she can get what she wants if she cries and yells enough!!!!!! My son in 16 mos. I had consider taking him with me, but he's so loud sometime. Loves to talk and squeal I am concerned that it my upset some of the older people. One of my fiends has offered to help me out. Thanks Kimmie

Has your fiance talked to her about this. It seems like he would be more upset because it is his mother that is treating his child this way. He should ask her what the problem is. Personally she wouldn't see my child if she was gonna act that way.. But it really is his place to talk to her and if he won't then I would flat out ask her why do you not want to keep your grandson you keep all the rest of them has he done something to you that I'm unaware of. Please let me know so I can try to understand why you have this problem with your grandson. Sorry she is acting that way. I know how it feels my step mom is that way with my son. I just ignore her and he doesn't like her anyway so no lose there. Hope it works out for you. Tina

Not that it is really any excuse, but the reason that your future MIL doesn't want to watch your son could be because you are the "other woman." You are now the woman in her son's life, which essentially replaces her. And, a lot of mothers feel closer to their daughters' children. Her daughter will always be her daughter, whereas you might not be. I don't know the state your relationship is in with your fiance', but I know a lot of MIL's (like mine!) are always thinking of the big split! (And I've been married for almost 7 years.) In which case, she might not get to spend much time with your son. My husband and I have three kids; 4, 2 and 9 months. And everytime we asked for babysitting, his mother did the same thing. So, I quit asking her. I found other people to help or took them with me or just didn't do whatever it was. Yeah, it was harder for us, but then, voila! MIL calls asking why she never sees the grandkids and now wants "more time with them." So, while I don't know if that-or anything-will work for you, I hope at least you get more insight into the situation. Sure, it's not fair-but it's really her loss.