Identity Crisis

Hey y'all!
First and foremost I should give some background on myself. I had my VSG June 15, 2009. I started this journey as an over 300lbs 18 year old girl, but I was funny, confident, and unwavering. I have since lost a little over 100 lbs and am down 14 sizes. I wanted to have the surgery to save my life, not really for the physical benefits (they were just a bonus). I remember when I went through my psych. eval. for surgery, my doctor warned of how many young women experience an "identity crisis" of sorts and some even become extremely sexually active. I remember sitting there telling him with my shoulders back that no way in hell would I become a girl who lost herself, because I knew who I was and changing physically wouldn't alter who the core of me was.

I was wrong.

While I didn't really struggle with the promiscuity, I did notice I had lost who I was. I realized I didn't really like myself and that this little body went out and took on the world every day, but I had kind of lost my spark. I realized I back-down a lot more than I used to and that I was dating a guy who was a total nightmare. I woke up a few days before my 20th birthday thinking "Who are you?" and I broke down. I cried for days because I realized by not recognizing I could be one of those girls who changed, I became one of them. I decided with my looming "life step" of leaving my teenage years behind that I would relocate the girl I used to be. I know I can never be her again, nor do I want to really to be, I just want to find my voice again and be the girl who walks with her shoulders back and has purpose. Step one? Dump the boy. We had been together for 8 months on and off and he was atrocious. I let him get away with so much just so I could keep him. Old me would have told him to take a hike the first time he spoke to me condescendingly. I'm working on being more outgoing again, I used to be able to own any room and for some reason now I get shy. What the hell? I have no idea how that happened.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my new body and I feel wonderful in it, I just don't know how so much of the inside took a hit. I wonder if sometimes by focusing so much on my next weight-loss achievement or my next gym trip if I forgot to sit down and make sure that "Olivia" the person was ok. Thankfully, I feel like I'm finding her again and I like her a lot. I'm thinking about going back to my psych and just chatting with him, I figure nothing but good can come from it. So the reason for this novel I guess is for A. me to ask if anyone had a similar experience. Did any of you feel so caught up in the experience that one day you were just like, what the hell happened here? and B. To ask all of you to recognize that if this experience hasn't happened to you, it can and to request that you frequently check-in with yourself to make sure you're ok.

I hope all of you are well and I appreciate you for reading this if you did, I know it's insanely long :). I love you all and am here for you in whatever way you may need me.

I think we all lose ourselves sometimes... I know I have.. And I have yet to have my surgery...

Hey Girl!!  I havent had my surgey yet either, but...your situation is def. something i have thought about.  I have several friends that say they are so very happy for me, but i "better not change"!!! I of course, say "im still gonna be me" and blah blah blah! but i am slightly scared that i too will change! 

For you though, when you say you wre 18 yrs old...and now are in your 20's...that too is a big life change!!  So, dont beat yourself up too much!  We all change ALOT from our teens to our twentys and you will change more...expect that!!! Get the awful guy out of your life! you deserve better for sure!  Good luck finding the you that you want to me!!!  Just remember that you need to be what you like...not anyone else!!!

**Disclaimer I am blunt, but take my stuff at face value as there are no lines to read between** Also this is long

Let's see how do I say this. I was the opposite, I knew who I was just could never be that person.

But in all hind sight, I turn 28 in 5 months had surgery when I was 22. I find a huge thing that goes on in this age group that is disturbing but understandable.... blaming the loss of weight for their feeling of being lost. Honestly you are lost but not in the sense that you think, so many heavy folks use that fat suit to cover up their true insecurities or problems. Its almost like a detoxing alchoholic, the truth can become very very very hard to handle after trying to teach yourself to stand tall and act like there is no problem and nothing bothers you. What is the usual comment made by thin friends of heavy friends "They are alot of fun to be around", usually because we put out a false sense of who we are, some yes truely are that way but not always. Don't anyone lie I think we have all been there. And don't say when things were said about you that it didn't effect you, it effects everyone just each has their own way of coping. I know what I did to cope, dilberalty scowl and make it known I will kick your ass if I ever hear you again. I dialed up my agression (never physical...I'm like war of the words get my point across and usually its done) and dialed down my keep cool in every situation imaginable which is the real me. But thing is I had the physical ability in strength to follow through with a kick your ass threat, I may have been fat but I was stronger than anyone on my HS football team....and THEY knew it. So it was never a shallow threat.

I've always carried myself head high, shoulders back and walking head on into the world, I never let my weight stop me with just about anything except one thing, riding & showing horses I stopped for the horse's sake. Back in HS people always asked why I didn't get all giddy when I blew away old standing records,named MVP etc etc in sports swinging in weight from 270-300lbs the whole time. Most people would be proud and blast it from the roof tops. I never cared, right down to when I was being looked at for a full ride to college (MSU). Ya know when I cared and felt good, the day I blew my knee out and every chance I ever had was blown away with it. Stage 3 dislocation, Stage 2 ACL tear with Stage 1 damage to my MCLs in the left knee. Yeah that felt GOOD! Odd yes, but was the best thing that ever happened to me, it gave me the out I so desperately needed, even though I need surgery on that said knee now. I was so sick of being trapped in a body to which I didn't like or really "fit" with, I did end up living with "that" body for 4 more years with plus 100lbs but I DID get out via WLS. Yes I am a big built gal, very proud of my frame and stature, along with all the muscle I still carry. But now with the huge layer of fat gone I am who I always was meant to be. I knew inside who I was for the most part, but had to hide her. I never thought I hid, umm well I can tell ya something...as you get older the past gets WAY clearer and makes you understand things much more.

All young 20's folks... know every year you will be someone different surgery or not. I can look back just 2 years and go wow. Over the changes that take place as you go, thats just as in the person you are that doesnt even mean physically. SURGERY HELPS FIX YOUR WEIGHT NOT YOUR BRAIN! It was just over the past couple years that I figured out where I want to head with my life and make it go that way. With tweeks at every turn. You are not the same person at 21 that you are at 25 and not the same at 27, things do start to level out though.

I truely advise therapy for anyone feeling a bit lost, but part of it is just age too. Be sure to find a therapist that specializes in 20's struggles. This isn't all about weightloss, its just about you naturally finding who you are, to some the WL just compounds existing problems. Did I ever go to therapy, no. I love analyzing myself, and kinda getting that "your a dumbass" or "let's fix this" moment. Makes me learn and move forward. Not just have someone else tell me how to "deal" with it. I want to learn and get past it...not just deal with it. Dealing means it just hangs around, getting past means done and forgotten not effecting my well being anymore. Can it be tuff, YES, I still "deal" with the short fuse I have from all thoes years of allowing agression to come fore front. Just with people, I'm a saint when it comes to working with horses....eh they are my therapists. I have a shirt that says "You never see a horse parked infront of a therapists office".

Ok now that I've gone on and on. Main parts: Mostly likely you are lost. This is normal for regular 20 somthings, it just may be more compounded with the WL. Get therapy if you feel it will help. Analyze yourself, go with the ebb & flow of life, tweeking what you can as you go. Look at where you want your life to go and who you are for REAL. But don't expect instant results (BIG BIG PROBLEM with this gerneration).

 I don't think therapy is necessarily the answer to feeling lost. For some it may be. I don't mean to sound rude or be disrespectful, but stating that anyone in their early 20's needs therapy to deal with their issues is a bit extreme. 

I am only 23 years old, but I know what I want in life, and where I want to be, and will not allow anyone tell me I'm too young to possibly know. 

Yes, I do have my days of feeling lost, but I feel that therapy is not my answer to getting throught it. I think a better resolution to dealing with those feelings is talking about them to people I trust. Whether it be a family member, a friend, or even putting a post out here on OH.  

 

 

Well first, Ummm we do agree that therapy isn't always necessary. As I said myself I never did. I did forget a couple words in there, was typing iot at work and because of my job I get pulled away frequently, I had that screen up for 2.5 hours. But in my closing I said get therapy if you think it will help. Being young we don't have years of experience on jack **** Cause I know I still have tons I want to learn but no college or university will beable to teach it to me, its learned through experience. Hell they don't prepare no one for the real world anyway, its nothing but an extention of HS nowadays.

At 23 I also knew what I wanted in life and where I wanted to be. Never said your too young not to know, hell I knew before I left HS. But be prepared for some HUGE curveballs. I've had mine and they sure woke me up to the world way more. Complete 180 in careers, I'm talking one end of the spectrum to another. What I love doing I found I could never do for a life long career for a multitude of reasons... one major one was I wouldn't beable to have the time to hit a goal I so desperately wanted. Now I actually am creeping toward that goal, its not something that comes over night. Had I also stayed on that path, I would probably never have had WLS and saved my life. So that dream would have been killed along with me. Everything happens for a reason. But most of my ultimate goals are they and are within grasp and would have never been if I held course on what I previously wanted in life.

Do I and did I have lost days, yeah....umm who doesn't. You seem to like to talk alot more to family and such, therapy probably wouldn't do you any good. Me...I don't like people knowing my buisness, I analyze myself till I get to the root of the problem. While I am close with family, I don't discuss much in the relm of whats going on in my mind. So no stranger will ever beable to get me to talk. Some feel talking to strangers helps because they don't "know" them. Like comming here or going to therapy. Of course the big misconception on therapy is people think its for nut jobs or people that have been traumatized. Not so, someone could need just one session to help clear their mind a bit.

So really we do agree, I was more stressing if anyone is having a hard time to go. Like I said one session could be plenty. Cause I did state more than once therapy isnt needed for all. But being involved in WLS for 6 years having it myself for a little over 5, really opened my eyes to why some really do need it or should seek it especially in the younger folks. It honestly facinates me.

Hi. I just want to point out that the feelings of being lost and mental struggles are very different once you lose the weight. Talking with people you trust is great, but I strongly reccommend therapy if you have a lot of problems down the road. It's a different ballgame once we lose the weight. Take care, Yehuda.

OMG you took the words from my mouth. Im definatly going through an identity crisis and can say that Im definatly hung up on a stupid number on the scale that I forget to just be okay and love myself. I dont like myself anymore and Its sad when you liked the fatter version of yourself more atleast I was happier back then. Sometimes I miss having that extra fat, my protective shell to hide behind. Its soo wierd no one ever told me that surgery would mess with your head so much. How losing o I definatly need to talk to a therapist too Im just to busy with school. Im ver 100 pounds can be the best year of your life and yet the worst and darkest.glad to see your in a  better place hopefully I can get to where you are. Thanks for being honest and sharing this usually I dont read any posts

I'm going through the same thing.  When I first started with surgery I thought that my weight and poor health problems were what made me unhappy. I thought if I could get rid of the weight and diabetes, I would be happy. WRONG!!!

I believe what compels me to overeat in the first place is what I really need to work on. I always ate away my emotions (stress, fear, deppression, insecurities, etc). After losing the weight all of those struggles have resurfaced all at once and it's very hard for me to cope with. Not having 250+ pounds of a protective shell is a major challenge for me (I was over 400 pounds less than a year ago, and Ihave lost the weight extremely rapidly).

One of my problems is I have never been thin before. I have been a yo-yo dieter since I was 4. i was always big, so I feel now at 22 years old that  I do not know how to live in a thin body. I have never experience life without abusing food and being obese. I dunno if you can relate to that, but it drives me NUTZ!

I get free counseling at my college, which is really helpful. I suggest you go to your schools counseling department (where you would normally see an academic counselor) and make an appointment with a personal counselor. Your student health fees you paid at the beginning of the semester covers this service. My college allows 6 session a semester.

Also my insurance covers therapy, so I also started seeing a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders (binge eating, body image, etc), young peoples issues, depression, anxiety, addiction and trauma/ptsd. It is really starting to help me, so if you have insurance or can self pay I strongly recommend it. Make sure the psychologist has a Phd and specializes in eating disorders and any other issues you may have. I am a math major, and i know it's hard to balance counseling with school and social life, but I  need to make some time for myself also.

Take care, yehuda.

Hi!

I had my surgery 5 or 6 years ago in my early 20's while in a serious relationship with my first boyfriend who was my high school sweetheart.  I sat in the psych eval chair thinking the same thing, nothing about me will change, I would never leave my guy, and so on.

But I did find that I struggled with my identity as more weight melted off, and I started getting more attention from the opposite sex.  I didn't react how I expected.  I was actually bothered by the attention.  I felt like I loss my privacy to do what I wanted like pick my nose if need be. lol.  I also felt lost in a world of superficial people suddenly and couldn't see pass who was real and who was fake.  Suddently, I had friends that were sabbotaging me because they were threatened by my newfound attractiveness?

It's not something I had ever needed to do, as when I was obesed, only nice people took the time to befriend me.

you can read about my journey on my old site, but I don't have access to it any longer, so please don't send me emails through it.  I can't remember the password, and no longer have access to the email I registered it under, so can't reset it! (sad)

http://obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/members/profile.php?N=l1106318914