22 year-old son having second thoughts
Hi. I had RNY surgery last week, my husband is having RNY surgery next week. This journey all came about because my 22 year-old son, who is very overweight, had a pulmonary embolism last November, and was lucky enough to live through it. We decided that WLS could definitely help us all and that we would do it as a family, side by side. My husband and I are insured, my son is uninsured, but we are all willing to help him to get this very badly needed surgery.
As a result of the embolism that he had, he is now suffering from panic attacks because he is so scared that his health is failing him, that he could have another PE or a stroke, etc. I am so frustrated because as a mother it breaks my heart to see my son so unhappy and having these issues, and we have given him the opportunity to have this life-saving surgery, but he, for one reason or another, is dragging his feet, not doing everything he needs to do to lose the 43 pounds he has to lose in order to have the surgery. He has told me that he's upset and not happy about the fact that he's going to have to have this surgery which will hinder his ability to "go out" and do the things that kids his age usually do (i.e. going to bars, etc.) He says that he's not sure that there's a guarantee that the WLS will make him happy, but he is so terribly unhappy now at the weight he is. It is totally affecting his life and everything he does....or does not do because of his weight. It truly is heartbreaking.
I'm wondering if any of you 20-somethings out there had the same fears and concerns prior to having surgery or if any of you are experiencing the same type of feelings as my son, and, if so, how have things turned out for you? Any perspective I can get from someone close to his age would be very much appreciated. I understand that I am in a totally different place in my life than he his and that our situations aren't exactly the same, but I also understand that if he continues on the path he's on, his life will be forever unhappy.
Help!
Melissa
As a result of the embolism that he had, he is now suffering from panic attacks because he is so scared that his health is failing him, that he could have another PE or a stroke, etc. I am so frustrated because as a mother it breaks my heart to see my son so unhappy and having these issues, and we have given him the opportunity to have this life-saving surgery, but he, for one reason or another, is dragging his feet, not doing everything he needs to do to lose the 43 pounds he has to lose in order to have the surgery. He has told me that he's upset and not happy about the fact that he's going to have to have this surgery which will hinder his ability to "go out" and do the things that kids his age usually do (i.e. going to bars, etc.) He says that he's not sure that there's a guarantee that the WLS will make him happy, but he is so terribly unhappy now at the weight he is. It is totally affecting his life and everything he does....or does not do because of his weight. It truly is heartbreaking.
I'm wondering if any of you 20-somethings out there had the same fears and concerns prior to having surgery or if any of you are experiencing the same type of feelings as my son, and, if so, how have things turned out for you? Any perspective I can get from someone close to his age would be very much appreciated. I understand that I am in a totally different place in my life than he his and that our situations aren't exactly the same, but I also understand that if he continues on the path he's on, his life will be forever unhappy.
Help!
Melissa
I think some of his concerns are valid, but many of us further out from surgery do go to bars and have an occasional drink. We just have to be really careful. In all honesty, he'll probably find that his social life will drastically improve.
I kind of remember thinking some of this stuff, and my fear was that having RNY surgery was virtually the most drastic step I could take. I was okay with that, but if I failed, I would have little recourse. This isn't actually true, but it is something to think about as it is one of the most drastic steps. Being heavy, I had an irrational fear that I would be the one that failed. From that, it almost seemed more logical that being heavy and being able to "dream" of living a normal life would be better than getting some taste of it and ultimately failing. That's kind of the worst part of WLS surgery really. Most people CAN'T fail upfront as long as there aren't any complications, so when WLS surgery does fail it is years later. So basically, you get a taste of being thin, but if someone doesn'****ch themselves they can start gaining. Really, it gets harder as you go along, but a great many people are able to deal with it. Having someone in my family get WLS with me would have certainly made the process easier. His chances of success are really much better than he realizes.
For me, the surgery was great. Being heavy and introverted as guy means you pretty much don't talk to anyone. That may or may not be his case, but really I think it just comes down to the potential of failure issue. The idea of failing, and being in a worse situation than he is now is a strong idea.
He should just be careful not being insured. Complications are frequent, but are usually not major. However, it could still leave him with a huge hospital bill. Bringing money into all this may not be a popular idea, but you should really consider it and I don't see anyone ever talk about it. I had a complication that ended up costing 3x as much as the actual RNY surgery. It sounds like he might want more time to look at it. If it were an option financially, I'd maybe look at some of the new high risk insurance pools as a possibility to see if they cover WLS while he is deciding.
I kind of remember thinking some of this stuff, and my fear was that having RNY surgery was virtually the most drastic step I could take. I was okay with that, but if I failed, I would have little recourse. This isn't actually true, but it is something to think about as it is one of the most drastic steps. Being heavy, I had an irrational fear that I would be the one that failed. From that, it almost seemed more logical that being heavy and being able to "dream" of living a normal life would be better than getting some taste of it and ultimately failing. That's kind of the worst part of WLS surgery really. Most people CAN'T fail upfront as long as there aren't any complications, so when WLS surgery does fail it is years later. So basically, you get a taste of being thin, but if someone doesn'****ch themselves they can start gaining. Really, it gets harder as you go along, but a great many people are able to deal with it. Having someone in my family get WLS with me would have certainly made the process easier. His chances of success are really much better than he realizes.
For me, the surgery was great. Being heavy and introverted as guy means you pretty much don't talk to anyone. That may or may not be his case, but really I think it just comes down to the potential of failure issue. The idea of failing, and being in a worse situation than he is now is a strong idea.
He should just be careful not being insured. Complications are frequent, but are usually not major. However, it could still leave him with a huge hospital bill. Bringing money into all this may not be a popular idea, but you should really consider it and I don't see anyone ever talk about it. I had a complication that ended up costing 3x as much as the actual RNY surgery. It sounds like he might want more time to look at it. If it were an option financially, I'd maybe look at some of the new high risk insurance pools as a possibility to see if they cover WLS while he is deciding.
Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. It is so helpful to hear from young people who are going through this....or have gone through it, as the issues that you deal with and encounter are sometimes much different than what I will deal with.
I am so happy that everything has worked out for you. You look terrific! Congratulations on your success!
I am so happy that everything has worked out for you. You look terrific! Congratulations on your success!
Well I am a girl soo not quite the same situation. I also have not have surgery but I will at the end of this month. My first option was the bypass however, me being 20 I decided that is way to much for me to handle. I also have a panic disorder andhave been battling it for many years. I believe it is due to my weight issues. I have found some great people on here that let you know how life really is after surgery not just what the DR tells ya or what the guidelines are.They are the REAL stories! I would just tell him to look on the site research and ask tons of questions. I did and found out about the VSG which to me is safer and a better option than the bypass. I have not spoken to one person on here that couldnt do anything in life they didnt want to do other than eat a 15 oz steak in one sitting lol yes you can drink just not as much. I dont know about him but my "living life" will come after be losing my weight and fitting back into society as a normal person. I think its also a fear of not having anyone your age that understands. But we are here for each other who better to understand him than other like himself. Hope this helps!
Thanks for your response! Good luck to you at the end of this month when you have your surgery. My son is also going to have VSG. My husband and I chose RNY because it was the best surgery for us with our diabetes. I think VSG is definitely the right surgery for him!
I wish you all the success and happiness in the world!
I wish you all the success and happiness in the world!
I usually go to the support groups at Weightwise although I had surgery elsewhere. Have I met you? Have I met your son.
I don't know if any of this will help, but I'll write it out so that maybe you can use some fragments of it.
First of all, I'm 22 (going on 23 although that's usually how it happens, isn't it?!). I can relate to so many aspects. The only thing I can't really relate to are the health concerns. I have tried every diet A to Z. To this day I still don't understand why it is that my friends can eat a box of brownies and not gain weight, and I get a chicken sandwich and pack on the pounds. My mom was very encouraging about this surgery. Neither of my parents are more than a little overweight. But my mom saw how weight has held me back educationally, socially, physically, etc. Especially for women, this society really judges off weight. I went to a Weight Wise seminar in August last year. I heard what they had to say and was totally stoked. When I went to my first consultation with Dr. Walton, I began to feel uneasy, almost defensive about my weight and furthermore I did not feel that Weight Wise was helping me. For example they weren't returning my phone calls. So I decided that I could do this alone and I did not want a "drastic" surgery.
In February I changed my mind. Part of the reason I did not return to WW was because they said I would have to start at square one again since it was a new year (even though I'm self-pay, so I did not understand it). I was lucky in not having a lot of weight to have to lose, but that was another issue for me. Honestly I do not think there is any way I could lose 40lbs. before surgery. The best I could ever do was 20, and that was on a protein shake diet. So that would definitely be a roadblock for me: the way I see it I've always struggled with "organic" weightloss and thus my need for surgery. Surgeons want to shrink the liver to make it safer. BUT there are surgeons out there who are not as stringent about it as WW--my surgeon, Daryl Stewart in Denton, TX, doesn't require any pre-surgery weightloss stating that "if you could do that, you wouldn't need us."
I was excited and unsure at the same time. Probably the biggest obstacle was this self-doubt that nothing would ever work. And, honestly, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and weight loss to stop. I felt kind of like "what a big waste of money only to have another unsuccessful run at a diet." My fear of surgery didn't really set in until the night before when I started hyperventillating and worrying about if I didn't wake up or whatever. Let me tell you the emotions I had:
I don't want to sell out on myself which is what I felt I'd be doing with surgery. Did I not love me the way I was? Did my friends not? Why do I need surgery then?
I am not that unhealthy. I don't have high blood pressure, diabetes, anything other than a little shortness of breath. Is this surgery really worth the risk?
What if things don't change? Never having been thin, I put thin as the answer to all my problems.
I may not have a lot now, but I enjoy going out with friends. If I have surgery will I actually lose the few good times that I do have??
Honestly, I still struggle with some of these questions, but I'm only 9 weeks out. I do sometimes wonder if I was selling myself out. And I do still wonder if things have changed. But I can tell you that suddenly I am hit with this overwhelming new outlook and self confidence. It's so strong it's almost annoying! Because of this confidence I have been meeting more people and thus going out more. I know that WW is super stringent, but there are things to order at a bar that aren't bad (maybe a fruit juice), or to be honest I have had a drink.
The first month, though, sucked. I still cannot understand how people claim they "love" their surgery within a week or two after the fact. At just a couple weeks out I felt like: I'm still every bit as fat as I was, I feel beat up, I feel exhausted, I just paid a lotta money, I don't know if this will ever work, and I can't go out and do any of the things that gave me comfort pre-op. That was a REALLY rough patch. But all the sudden my clothes felt looser, but more importantly I feel like I'm walking on water. And I think the fact I feel that way gets me a lot more attention and friends than just holding a drink in my hand or eating fried pickles at the bowling alley or whatever.
It's awesome!! And if you think your son would ever like to talk to me or meet up I'd be glad to do so. PM me. I can't believe I'm one of those advocates now but if this is how I feel at 9 weeks, I can't wait for later!
I don't know if any of this will help, but I'll write it out so that maybe you can use some fragments of it.
First of all, I'm 22 (going on 23 although that's usually how it happens, isn't it?!). I can relate to so many aspects. The only thing I can't really relate to are the health concerns. I have tried every diet A to Z. To this day I still don't understand why it is that my friends can eat a box of brownies and not gain weight, and I get a chicken sandwich and pack on the pounds. My mom was very encouraging about this surgery. Neither of my parents are more than a little overweight. But my mom saw how weight has held me back educationally, socially, physically, etc. Especially for women, this society really judges off weight. I went to a Weight Wise seminar in August last year. I heard what they had to say and was totally stoked. When I went to my first consultation with Dr. Walton, I began to feel uneasy, almost defensive about my weight and furthermore I did not feel that Weight Wise was helping me. For example they weren't returning my phone calls. So I decided that I could do this alone and I did not want a "drastic" surgery.
In February I changed my mind. Part of the reason I did not return to WW was because they said I would have to start at square one again since it was a new year (even though I'm self-pay, so I did not understand it). I was lucky in not having a lot of weight to have to lose, but that was another issue for me. Honestly I do not think there is any way I could lose 40lbs. before surgery. The best I could ever do was 20, and that was on a protein shake diet. So that would definitely be a roadblock for me: the way I see it I've always struggled with "organic" weightloss and thus my need for surgery. Surgeons want to shrink the liver to make it safer. BUT there are surgeons out there who are not as stringent about it as WW--my surgeon, Daryl Stewart in Denton, TX, doesn't require any pre-surgery weightloss stating that "if you could do that, you wouldn't need us."
I was excited and unsure at the same time. Probably the biggest obstacle was this self-doubt that nothing would ever work. And, honestly, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and weight loss to stop. I felt kind of like "what a big waste of money only to have another unsuccessful run at a diet." My fear of surgery didn't really set in until the night before when I started hyperventillating and worrying about if I didn't wake up or whatever. Let me tell you the emotions I had:
I don't want to sell out on myself which is what I felt I'd be doing with surgery. Did I not love me the way I was? Did my friends not? Why do I need surgery then?
I am not that unhealthy. I don't have high blood pressure, diabetes, anything other than a little shortness of breath. Is this surgery really worth the risk?
What if things don't change? Never having been thin, I put thin as the answer to all my problems.
I may not have a lot now, but I enjoy going out with friends. If I have surgery will I actually lose the few good times that I do have??
Honestly, I still struggle with some of these questions, but I'm only 9 weeks out. I do sometimes wonder if I was selling myself out. And I do still wonder if things have changed. But I can tell you that suddenly I am hit with this overwhelming new outlook and self confidence. It's so strong it's almost annoying! Because of this confidence I have been meeting more people and thus going out more. I know that WW is super stringent, but there are things to order at a bar that aren't bad (maybe a fruit juice), or to be honest I have had a drink.
The first month, though, sucked. I still cannot understand how people claim they "love" their surgery within a week or two after the fact. At just a couple weeks out I felt like: I'm still every bit as fat as I was, I feel beat up, I feel exhausted, I just paid a lotta money, I don't know if this will ever work, and I can't go out and do any of the things that gave me comfort pre-op. That was a REALLY rough patch. But all the sudden my clothes felt looser, but more importantly I feel like I'm walking on water. And I think the fact I feel that way gets me a lot more attention and friends than just holding a drink in my hand or eating fried pickles at the bowling alley or whatever.
It's awesome!! And if you think your son would ever like to talk to me or meet up I'd be glad to do so. PM me. I can't believe I'm one of those advocates now but if this is how I feel at 9 weeks, I can't wait for later!
HI! Yes, I have seen you at support group! The week before last you actually were sitting right next to my son, and I was sitting just on the other side of him.
Thank you so very much for your response and for sharing your thoughts with me. It is so very helpful! I am so proud of your decision to go ahead and have the surgery and that you're having a great result. I so wish that I had made the decision 20 years ago to do this because I have spent all of my adulthood battling my weight with one diet or another, but only to lose weight and then gain it back, plus more! I have tried WW, Nutri-System, Fen-Phen, a diet doctor who gave me speed, etc. You have absolutely done the right thing by taking the plunge now and getting your weight under control so that you can totally enjoy your life as a thin and "normal" person. I wish you much happiness and success on your journey!
My husband and I went to group last night. Boy, it was a big one! I find the groups so very helpful and inspiring. My son has only been one time, and he did not seem to enjoy it, probably because of the demographic of people there that particular night. Mostly older women... I told him to keep coming back because the group is NEVER the same. We'll see if he changes his mind.
I look forward to seeing you at group!
Melissa
Thank you so very much for your response and for sharing your thoughts with me. It is so very helpful! I am so proud of your decision to go ahead and have the surgery and that you're having a great result. I so wish that I had made the decision 20 years ago to do this because I have spent all of my adulthood battling my weight with one diet or another, but only to lose weight and then gain it back, plus more! I have tried WW, Nutri-System, Fen-Phen, a diet doctor who gave me speed, etc. You have absolutely done the right thing by taking the plunge now and getting your weight under control so that you can totally enjoy your life as a thin and "normal" person. I wish you much happiness and success on your journey!
My husband and I went to group last night. Boy, it was a big one! I find the groups so very helpful and inspiring. My son has only been one time, and he did not seem to enjoy it, probably because of the demographic of people there that particular night. Mostly older women... I told him to keep coming back because the group is NEVER the same. We'll see if he changes his mind.
I look forward to seeing you at group!
Melissa
Everyone already had some very good responses, much like I would have responded myself..so I won't repeat it myself.
I did want to add..WLS is just like any other big life decision and every has the possibility of repercussions and you have to be ready to deal with those if they come up. As you know, you have to really want this in order to make it work...and that's what it is, making it work for you. If you don't put in the effort, it won't work. I work, pardon me, my ass off every single day in the gym and by what I eat and don't eat to make sure I do what I need to do to be healthy. I'm not perfect, I screw up and abuse food like I did in the past but the difference now is that I recognize these things and don't let one slip up ruin the rest of my life. I made this my lifestyle...I now teach fitness classes at my gym and that's one of my strategies to keep myself in check. Not that everyone has to be a fitness instructor, that's the path I chose, but you need to commit yourself to the new life and know it won't be easy but the rewards are great.
It sounds like his quality of life could be dramatically improved by this surgery. However, no matter how much anyone says or encourages, he has to make this choice himself. You are obviously very supportive and the more you are, maybe the easier decision this will be for him.
Good luck to you all!
~Emily~
I did want to add..WLS is just like any other big life decision and every has the possibility of repercussions and you have to be ready to deal with those if they come up. As you know, you have to really want this in order to make it work...and that's what it is, making it work for you. If you don't put in the effort, it won't work. I work, pardon me, my ass off every single day in the gym and by what I eat and don't eat to make sure I do what I need to do to be healthy. I'm not perfect, I screw up and abuse food like I did in the past but the difference now is that I recognize these things and don't let one slip up ruin the rest of my life. I made this my lifestyle...I now teach fitness classes at my gym and that's one of my strategies to keep myself in check. Not that everyone has to be a fitness instructor, that's the path I chose, but you need to commit yourself to the new life and know it won't be easy but the rewards are great.
It sounds like his quality of life could be dramatically improved by this surgery. However, no matter how much anyone says or encourages, he has to make this choice himself. You are obviously very supportive and the more you are, maybe the easier decision this will be for him.
Good luck to you all!
~Emily~
"Tis better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not"
Thanks, Emily! I really appreciate what you have to say. You are right in that this is such a personal decision, and you REALLY have to want it before you do it in order to be successful. I totally get that you have to be committed to making a huge lifestyle change, and I think maybe that is what is scaring my son. He's so young, and he's so heavy, and he feels like he's at the bottom of a huge mountain to climb, and he's not sure he can make it to the top! T
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. I really appreciate it!
Melissa
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. I really appreciate it!
Melissa
First off my heart goes out to you and your family (especially your son). A PE at 22 is almost unheard of and I can only imagin the health issues that are ahead for your son if he doesn't do something soon. I work in a hospital and he is a lucky guy to be a live. I commend you and your husband for doing this with your son, as a team to better all of your lives! First off I had the realize band in March of 2009 when I was 21. Yes, I remember all the fears that your son is going through right now and they all played a roll in MAKING me decided to go ahead with the surgery.
I was lucky enough to have no current health issues due to my obesity at the time of the surgery but I thank God ever day that I did go ahead and do something about my weight while I was still young. This has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done for myself. I also remember feeling like your son that just because I will lose weight doesn't mean I'll be happy... I was way off! I am happier now that I have EVER been. I am more out going and love going out and doing things... Including doing the things that normal 20 year olds do.
I do go to the bars occationally but my version of drinking includes one maybe 2 drinks to everyone elses 7-8. In a since that is another benefit from the surgery, you don't need as much to drink to get drunk which saves on my liver....and my wallet. lol. He will still be normal, he will just have to learn to adapt to his new chosen life style. I promise it is a choice he will not regret, at least for me I have not regreated it once since I got it... but I can't speak for everyone. Good luck and I hope he does what feels right to him.
And to you his mom, keep up the good work but also don't forget to be there for him and be his mom and listen to what he is afraid of. If he really wants it he will do it. I'm sure you won't forget that though, most mom's don't. It took me over 3 years to finally commit and decided I had to do this or risk my life and my happiness with living how I was... obese. Good Luck!
I was lucky enough to have no current health issues due to my obesity at the time of the surgery but I thank God ever day that I did go ahead and do something about my weight while I was still young. This has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done for myself. I also remember feeling like your son that just because I will lose weight doesn't mean I'll be happy... I was way off! I am happier now that I have EVER been. I am more out going and love going out and doing things... Including doing the things that normal 20 year olds do.
I do go to the bars occationally but my version of drinking includes one maybe 2 drinks to everyone elses 7-8. In a since that is another benefit from the surgery, you don't need as much to drink to get drunk which saves on my liver....and my wallet. lol. He will still be normal, he will just have to learn to adapt to his new chosen life style. I promise it is a choice he will not regret, at least for me I have not regreated it once since I got it... but I can't speak for everyone. Good luck and I hope he does what feels right to him.
And to you his mom, keep up the good work but also don't forget to be there for him and be his mom and listen to what he is afraid of. If he really wants it he will do it. I'm sure you won't forget that though, most mom's don't. It took me over 3 years to finally commit and decided I had to do this or risk my life and my happiness with living how I was... obese. Good Luck!
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