Made an appointment for consultation

 I don't think there was an appropriate emoticon to match this post.  

Well, to start off on topic, I have scheduled April 22nd for my sister and me to both have consultations with Dr. Stewart in Denton, TX.  I should add that I went through the seminar and consultation with Dr. Walton in Okc but found out that if I didn't get surgery within the calendar year (ie from September to December), I had to redo everything.  Then I spoke with Dr. Pleatman from Michigan, and Dr. Joya's office in Mexico.

I'm going to force myself to go forward.  It's not that I don't want the surgery, or am not convinced this is what I must do.  I'm not even too fearful of the consequences.  Honestly, it just boils down to change.  Even though it is change I want more than anything in the world, it's that fear of the unknown.  I keep moving forward only to backpedal.  But hopefully now I'm here for good.

I'm hoping to get my surgery sooner rather than later so that I can have the summer to recuperate and readjust.

I know I've talked a lot about what I feel I've missed, due in part to weight.  Many of you are skeptical of weight being the root cause.  I have been making an effort to get away from my "fat identity" as I'm calling it, of recent.  I wasn't always that way.  Anyway, so I've been really gussying myself up for class, and acting every bit as outgoing as I am.  I totally still think weight makes it harder for all of us, BUT I'm realizing that there is a lot to be said for people reacting to the way I act.    Part of all this for me, though, is claiming my health and my weight for myself.  I guess I've always felt mad about the fact that I felt like my weight was predetermined.  Now I can do something for myself.  And, yes, I am doing it.  Despite what some of my weightwwatcher friends may say, this is still MY doing.

Finally, I guess I am still a bit worried about failure.  What a failure I would be if even this didn't work!  I joined Weightwwatchers 6 weeks ago.  First 3 weeks, good.  4th week I gained .4, but still okay.  Last week, I didn't even weigh in because I was so fearful.  And let me tell you, I have been monitoring everything I've eaten, eating greek yogurt and leaner bison burgers, and etc.  I can't tell you how many times I made the good decision.  And then last week I made, like, 2 bad decisions out of a billion and I could tell it was going to show up on the scale.  This weekend was Easter, of course, and my skinny skinny sister was home and sure, I ate out twice, and had Easter dinner.  The scale this week--up 5 pounds!!  I am so frustrated.  Frustrated isn't really a strong enough word.  I feel like I must certainly be working harder than any "normal" person to lose a gosh-danged pound, but if I am not SUPER careful, all my good deeds are negated.  Normally, I don't eat poorly, but this weight game is so crazy.  What did I do?  I went and bought chips, hamburgers, and brownies for dinner.  Why do I deserve this?  I know this is a totally separate issue from what I started out with, but either a) it truly is harder for me to lose weight than others, straight down to the "math" or, b) it is no harder for me to lose weight, but I am devoid of any "willpower" or "filter" and therefore it feels harder.  Either way, the end result is THIS IS SO HARD.  And then these diet games feel like blame the victim.  I'm done.  I just hope I won't fail WLS too.

 You are an emotional eater, just like I am.  If I have a good scale day, for some reason that gives me permission to eat poorly..not motivate me to keep going, like it should.  If something ticks me off, I eat, feel guilty, eat more, guilt, eat...it's a horrible cycle.  I also fear failure but as my counselor said, who have I failed?  People still love me, I have great things in my life, I'm healthy.  I've failed nothing.  I also set myself up for thinking that I will fail, even though it hasn't happened yet, which causes me to get into the "What the hell, eat the cookie" thinking in the first place.  There is no reason for me to be more likely than anyone else to fail WLS, a job interview, becoming vegetarian, skydiving, etc. etc. etc.  See what I mean?  It's all about forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to have bad days and good days.  I have a habit of setting unrealistic expectations for myself that no human being could ever achieve, yet if I don't I feel like I've failed.  But really, it was never possible for me to achieve it anyway.  I'm learning now to be kinder to myself at whatever weight I'm at and that I'm worth everything in the world regardless of what the scale says.  Plus, I'm not going to be playing this mental weight mind game or whatever it is until the day I die...life is too short to be constantly worried about that.  

It's really true though what they say about WLS and even non-WLS weight loss, it's getting into a mode of thinking that it's a lifestyle change rather than a diet because it is...there's no beginning, middle or end to it, it's forever.   

 To gain or lose a pound, you have to have 3200 calories (which I I'm sure you know) in either direction, so I'm thinking your Easter weight gain was probably mostly water retention because I highly doubt you ate 16000 calories in a day, so don't be too hard on yourself (Ham is salty, salty equals bloat).  

Good luck to you, I'm happy that you have decided to move forward.  Let us know how it goes.  

~Emily~

 You are so right Emily, as always :)  That is part of the reason "traditional" dieting has failed me because it made even more room for the emotional eating--as you said: scales down woohoo let's eat, scale's up, boohoo let's eat.

Just randomly, are you becoming vegetarian?

I kind of just threw vegetarianism out there as an example BUT I really am trying to eat more vegetarian-like at least for 3/4ths or so of my day.  I try to lay off the red meat (I still eat eggs, milk products, fish, etc.) for breakfast and lunch.  Dinner time, we usually have something with meat in it, so I eat it though I'm trying to shift the focus of the meal from the meat to the veggies.  I really like experimenting with the vegetarian recipes though, I've always been a big fan of beans and different grains, so it's really not too hard to make the switch.   

Glad to help!

~Emily~