Random Thoughts

Hi -- not sure if I ever posted on here (probably didn't), but I have definitely been trolling for a long time.  Am in my mid-20s, started off close to 300lbs, and had VSG in May of 2009.  Since then, I've lost about 120lbs, with the dreaded last 30 or so pounds to go. 

I've had a roommate since August of this year, and tonight she emailed me to tell me she was concerned I had an eating disorder.  I hadn't told her about the procedure, so all she knew about my eating habits were that I didn't eat very much, worked out all the time, and I had dropped like 60lbs since moving in.  I guess I can understand why she was worried.  So I finally told her about my surgery, and I attached a photo of myself to the email to show her how far I had come. 

When I looked at the photos, I was APPALLED with what I looked like.  I think at my heaviest, I never even envisioned myself looking like that.  I must have always had a warped, "thin" view of myself.  Did anyone else experience this?  Now, at around 180lbs (i'm 5'7), I am starting to look the way I thought I always looked.  I was so blind about how big I had gotten.  It's really scary, when you think about it.  I'm worried that I will somehow let myself get back to that place.  I have stalled out for a couple of weeks, and I am panicked about it.  

I am also very unaccustomed to male attention.  I've never really had a boyfriend, although I've had like 10 or so drunken hookups in my life.  I've been dating more, but it is hard to break down the barriers I've built up around myself, and I end up breaking it off/not returning phone calls/ingnoring people after the first date.  I've always been the girl who helps her friends meet guys, not the girl who meets guys for herself.  I have a problem letting people in -- and I honest to god do not understand guys who want to date me based on looks alone.  I think that I have a pretty good personality (except when I am being all moody and depressed in this post!!) , and so I can get why a guy might get to know me and then want to date me -- but just based on first impressions, I don't understand why anyone would be attracted to me. 

I'm worried that I will always feel uncomfortable about this, because so many of my formative years were spent fat, insecure, and sitting on the sidelines. Sort of like what they say about reading -- if you don't learn how to read when you are a kid, it is going to be so much harder for you to learn how to read when you are an aduilt.  I worry it is like this with dating/relationships. This is obviously something I need to work through with a therapist/counselor...but are there people out there who have these fears?  It seems like a lot of you ladies have met guys pre-surgery, and know how to do the relationship thing.  A lot of you are married.  I am worried that the window is quickly closing for me, and I will probably never meet anyone because I am so far behind the curve. 

Well, it is late, and I have rambled for WAY too long.  Thanks for listening.  

 Hey!  

Sounds like you have a lot of the same issues most of us suffer from.  Though I never told many people my weight when I was heavy, the few I did always said that I didn't look that big.  I'm thinking that comments like that made me believe I was thinner than what I was.  My husband and I both look back at my old pictures and can't believe it.  If you are one way for so long, it does take time to adjust.  Now I'm to the point where I feel good in my new body and know I don't want to go back.  

As far as relationships go, yes I did meet my husband pre-op but I am in no way a relationship expert. In fact, I apologize every now and again to my husband because I think I'm boring....lol... We met by a really  huge fluke but it worked.  I don't believe that if any sort of "window" to have a relationship exists but if it does, I don't think you are in any need to be worried about it closing.  There are so many jerk, idiots and d-bags out there but I also believe that there are just as many nice, understanding people also...so don't settle for anything other than being utterly happy!    I'm an extremely honest person so if you find someone who is genuinely a good person, they will be understanding and supportive when you tell them about  your surgery.  

I get more attention now too and people are actually just nicer in general to me...which if I think about it too much, it sort of makes me mad because that's just wrong to treat someone different by the way they look!   It try to always be polite to compliments and just ignore the creepy come ons by weird men.  

Good luck!

~Emily~

Hi there,

I'm glad you posted and it sounds like you've got some stuff to work out, but nothing that isn't normal. Our stories are really similar- I have always been really heavy, although 270 was around my highest I kinda stayed off the scale around that time. I was sleeved and now I weight 180 as well and it's a whole new life. I was 22 when this all started, so I have a lot to break about the whole 'fat life' mentality, and far more than I expected because everyone around me thought that I was perfectly comfortable with myself before I had surgery. um, no.

I think when it comes to dating, and men in general, you are by no means weird. even the whole concept of what's 'normal' is so far from what most individuals experience. I've found with me that my worst enemy is my fear of that- fear that I'm too far behind to start, fear that I'll never get over my issues... etc etc. I give you much credit [and you should give yourself credit as well] that you are trying and experiencing this whole dating phenomenon. I had never kissed a boy pre-surgery, and I was friends with tons of them and uncomfortable with any potentials at all. I always keep them at arms length. but lately, I've been trying to challenge myself to take steps away- however small or big those steps are. i've kissed three guys and dated one for a couple of months, and I've also worked on being vulnerable and allowing people to compliment me, appreciate me, find me desirable, etc. I've noticed that the more I do it, the easier it's becoming. i went out last night to a wine bar and the waiter complimented my dress [he said, 'that's a beautiful dress you're wearing by the way.' and when i said thank you and smiled at him he smiled and said, 'and you totally rock it1' ] and instead of being shy or feeling awkward in any way, i just was like, appreciative, but not super suprised. I NEVER would have expected that before, and if I'd have gotten it it would have consumed me. but I'm okay with people liking my body these days.

your surgery was a couple of months after mine [and i only lost 15 lbs with it, so I had already shed a majority of the weight beforhand] and trust me, if I'm any gauge of how you'll be, you're already making great progress and you have no reason to think that it wont continue.

anyway, thanks for sharing your story- do keep us updated on how it progresses.

ann

p.s. yes, sometimes counselors can do a world of help with processing things. you never know until you try

girl, sorry im responding back to this a few days late (ive had a lot of my own stuff going on this past week leading me to therapy, BUT)

i just had to say, you arent going to lose your 'window" persay! you only live once!! who says your not going to meet a guy tomrorow? and if you dont so what?!

HONESTLY, use this time to evaluate the new you. learn to live alone as the new you. get to know the new you before you get into a relationship and realize you dont know who the heck you are! ok so maybe you are in tune with yourself but this past week ive realized my 3 year relationship, in some ways hasnt let me as a butterfly out of my cage in some aspects and finally im realizing "woah, im not the girl i used to be".

i had a breakdown, left my boyfriend that i plan on marrying for 2 1/2 days, and had to gain the perspective of the new "me". in a way it made me wish i was single (even though i love him to dealth and thank goodness for him everyday), but made me wish that because its easier to evaluate and learn about yourself sometimes alone. its much harder to communicate sometimes how your exaclty feeling and changing and yadda yadda.

all im saying is (and im sorry if im rambling and if you dont agree with anything i say) embrace this time, and once you get in tune with you , the boys will see that confidence and come a runnin'.

good luck and if you need anything please always feel free to send me a message on here :)
-am