Trying to get in the right mental place

 Hi all

I am continuing to post on here because I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do.  I think most of you have experienced the societal pressures to lose weight the "right" way.  And to some degree I wonder if I am wanting the "easy way out" with WLS.

Maybe I do want the easy way out.  Or maybe I just want to play the game that is designed to make me fail called traditional weight loss.  I've been dieting for over half of my life.  I first joined Weigh****chers at 9 years old.  The way I see it, there are two scenarios:  either I'm the failure or the diet is.  And even if the diet works in a lab or mathematical setting, it is so unrealistic day in and day out.  Every day I make good eating decisions.  Somehow, the bad seem to count more than the good.  And now I can hardly exercise even if I want to because of my asthma compounded by weight.  My already flat feet have more trouble with the weight.  

I notice that even outside decisions are being governed by my weight.  For example, I wanted to help in a law office, but there was a lot of filing, on the floor, where I would be up down and bending over a lot.  The idea of that nearly caused me to decide against it.  

I haven't even mentioned the social aspect (aside from complaining multiple times on here before).  Never been on a date.  Never even been asked for my number.  Sadly, I think most men don't even register me as a female or a romantic option.  Even my mom (who is wonderful, truly) has said things like "if you even get married."  I asked her what she meant and she said "you have to date to marry."  She's made other off comments about how by the time I get married my grandparents will probably be gone.  

Maybe I do want the easy way out.  Maybe I want to go shopping at Christmas time in the STORES and not have to return my online purchase because it was too small.  Maybe I want to sit comfortably in a chair at the movies or play.  Maybe I want someone to look at me and think I'm beautiful.  

I would love to do it the "right" way.  But exactly how many more years do I have to waste failing at it?  I've already spent all of my teens and my early twenties.  

On the other hand, I'm a cursed to never lead a normal-weight life?  My aunt had surgery and regained all of her weight.  I cannot imagine the pain of that!  I've also read on here that WLS doesn't make things better, in fact sometimes it makes things harder because you cannot use food to cope.  I have to admit I'm scared to death by that thought.  Or what if I can never enjoy food again?  I love food, I really do.  It has been my friend these many years.  When I sit alone on Friday night, I menu plan.  And with nothing to do on Saturday, I grocery shop and cook.  It has become a consuming hobby for me.  I know I will have to change my focus on it, should I get WLS.  But I'm not sure that a life without cooking and farmer's market shopping wouldn't be just a little miserable.  I really cannot stress how much a part every aspect of food is in my life, the least of which eating.  I guess I don't have any specific questions or even points to make.  I just felt I should put this out there.  I think I have too many reservations to be a successful WLS patient right now.  Hopefully airing these thought out will help me get to that right mental state.

If diets worked, it wouldn't be a multi-billion dollar industry.  If diets worked, there wouldn't be a 98% rate of failure with them.  If diets worked, there wouldn't be as many obese people on this planet.  If diets worked, there wouldn't really be a need for weight loss surgery, would there?

I understand the "thinking on papepr" rationale, but the only one who needs to rationalize the need for a life changing procedure is yourself.  You have to be selfish and choose what's best for YOU.   Society doesn't have to live inside your brain and body everyday.    Why should you care what they think?  Those who may have a snide remark regarding WLS not being the "right way" are one of two things:  jealous or uneducated.  And I'd hate to know that I was one of those individuals with either (or both) of those things. 

Regarding WLS being an "easy way out":  I don't know about you but the last time I checked, being subjected to a battery of pre operative tests, being poked, prodded, scanned, psychologically assessed, being put under anesthestia, sliced open and having your guts rearranged, dealing with post operative pain, and permanently altering your lifestyle was NOT an easy way out.  Anyone who says it is obviously hasn't had WLS.  Sure, you'd like to go with a less invasive methodology, but you've said it yourself that it has never worked for you your entire life.  Guess what?  NOT YOUR FAULT. 

There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a normal dating life, shop in normal size stores, and fit in movie theater seats.  I have to tell you, after years of those same frustrations, it was pretty damn nice to have my life do a complete 180 in only 6 months or so and now be able to do those things.

I think you'll be a successful WLS candidate when you come to the grips with the fact that having weight loss surgery isn't shameful, cheating, or a copout.  Your relationship with food does change, but we are humans and we ADAPT.  Just like anything else in your life that changes from what you're used to, you find a NEW NORMAL.  And guess what?  It really doesn't take that long to adjust to it.  At first, it's frustrating as hell to only be able to handle 1.5oz at a time.  But it gets better.  I promise.  The transition is also made easier if you are in a good support system and are seeing a good therapist.  The surgeon operates on your abdomen, not your brain, so it's good to have all those things in place to help support your full transformation.

You may also want to look into the duodenal switch procedure.  It's got the VSG component, but has intestinal rerouting that results in malabsorption.  It is the best of all the WLS with long-term weight loss statistics and has an excellent post op quality of eating.

Hang in there.  You can do this.  We all did!

PS.  You ARE beautiful!!!

hi, i think i know exacly how your feel. my dad offered wls for the 1th time when i was about 18, n i said no way its to dangerous im to young i can do it!. then i lost 50 lbs on my own n ragain them all. then my dad ofered wls again n i said nooo way i can do this lost and other 50 lbs n gain them all back again....  i think before my surgery with all the diets i did. i lost twice the weight i have lost with the surgery noooooo even kidding!!!. i have a weight problem since y was 6 years old n i knew it was like 99.9999% i was fat all my life.!

in the midle time i remeber wishing and praying that someone helped me to lose the weight. like remeber when u were a kid and someone asks you what's one of your wishes. well i always thought i wish i cuold lost a 2 lbs a week till i get to the weigth i want like magic......... (sure is not magic!!! but this time all the hard work is gonna  worth it cuz u will lose it! the hard part its to keep it off after)

so my dad offered for the 3th time n i said ok, u are paraying someone helps you. this is the 3th time that the solution have been offered to u and ur gonna turned it down for the 3th time  this was my "wish" n i was gonna turned it down again???.....NOOOO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i overcome all my fears and did it!!!!!!! n you know what!!! i wish i woulda said YES the 1th time.

i think is great you like to cook! so u can make sooooooo delicious your helathy food! i love to cook mine.. its even better than  the unhelathy lol.

im not saying u def should have the surgery. but i think You already know the answear n what u want to do. so just do it!! great things come from great sacrifaces. but what is definitive its that u cant stay unhelathy u need to get to a helathy weight (not skiny but def not obese). 

good luck!  i hope u can make that mental stat soon lol. whatever ur decition is you know here you have a place when you can vent, n nobody will judge you. we all are in the same shoe! lol

hugs!!! 

ps. if u have anycuestions n i can help you out i'll be very happy to!

Just wanted to say that in no way is WLS the "easy way out."  I am 6 weeks postop and this has been one of the hardest things I've ever done.  Not only are you getting rid of one of your best friends, which is my case was food but you also have to get use to eating in a new way.  You have to do what is best for you at the end of the day but if you have any questions feel free to send me a message.

 

Hi,

First off really....what is right or wrong in terms of weight loss?   Do people who take off 100lbs without surgery get some sort of trophy or medal that we as WLS patients don't?  No.  If someone can change their life for the better and get the weight off to finally exercise, sit in a chair comfortably, bend up and down with no problems...what difference does it make how they got there?  As others have said, WLS is no easier than any other way of weight loss every single one of us on this entire website is living proof of that.  Why do you think people get surgery and gain it back?  Because that's the easy way out.....apathy takes no effort.  No matter if you have surgery or not, it's still a conscious choice of how you take care of yourself.  No one forces me to eat anything, I make that choice.  I can about eat anything I want now since I'm so far out from surgery and right now it's the hardest it's been in the whole process because now I'm accountable for everything I do and every food decision I make.  I struggle everyday, especially lately because I can't exercise since I just had surgery.  It's scary but I have learned to face that fear and to know that I won't let myself go back to where I was.  Food does not control my life anymore.  

I've talked to you about WLS and food before but I'm telling you, I still cook, I still create, I still enjoy eating and I always will.  It's not something you have to give up because you had WLS.  I have a friend who had surgery 10 years ago and owns her own restaurant.  Go to www.chefdave.org  ....he's a chef who had WLS and created his own line of cookbooks catered just for us.  For me, I love to cook for others so it doesn't bother me if I can't eat everything I make.  I have tweaked tons of recipes to work for me and I don't feel deprived or like I'm on a special diet at all.  It really does just become a way of life, as someone else said, we adapt and it's true.   Now, if you are like I was before and eating consumes your thoughts 24/7 and you binge eat, then that's something you will have to address and change.  Nighttime boredom eating was and still is a weak spot for me but I keep busy doing other things.  I have to really make a conscious effort to do it but it does work.  I still slip up because I'm human but I try to get a little better every day and that's all that matters.  My post op life isn't perfection and it never will be.  I still eat things I shouldn't but it's not the end of the world as long as I try to do better the next time.  

I hope that you can come to a good place about your decision for WLS and if it's right for you.  It's a lot to think about, so good luck to you.  

~Emily~

hey there.

im going to put this as nice as possible, but losing weight is not going to help anybody find a partner for a relationship. whenever i hear people considering wls, i try to remind them, do it FOR YOU and your heath and your familys future.

wls will help you be able to live your life and do all these things like you described. but its whats inside thats going to make somebody fall in love with you. if somebody cant accept you for how you look (and from your icon you are very pretty), then they are not worth it.

many people asked me if i had wls to appease my boyfriend. which i always found weird because he NEVER had a problem with my weight in our relationship. i did it for ME. and he said he supported me no matter what decison i made in the process.

your relatoinshp with food changes as the process goes on. i would def see the psychiatrist more then just for your surgery evaluation from what your saying (no offense). they can help you talk about your relationship with food more in depth. its like your breaking up wtih an old boyfriend i always say, but its so so worth it. and you start to enjoy eating healthy, and cooking for a better you. maybe to take that step to be a successful wls patient as you put it, and make that apt to talk to somebody about it. i promise you it will help if food is really that huge of an aspect to your life.

my dad has wls 10 years ago. and at first he asked me if i supported his decison pre-op. and i gave him the same advice im saying to you. as long as he thought long and hard and was doing it for HIM, i was f ine for it.

its a big life changing thing, im glad you found this board and wrote this post.
if you need anything else let us know!
<3
am

 I agree here.  My husband married me weighing what I did before. He loved me then and he loves me just the same now.  Granted, at our age there are  very ignorant people who base everything on looks but that's not everyone, so don't generalize here.  Usually those people are very much alone on the inside and outside.  
~Emily~

 Thank you all for your support.  

Marianna--Thank you, girl, for all your support!  You're looking awesome!

Emily--I checked out Chef Dave and it gives me great hope!  When I had a consultation with the surgeon he had said that we were to exclude almost all carbs and eat lean meat and veggies.  He said no more sweets, ever.  I wasn't sure if that was something I could do as it would be so dramatic.

Almondsoy--I do get what your saying but I tend to disagree that looks don't matter in meeting someone.  I do agree that someone won't stay with you unless they love you for who you are, deep inside.  Unfortunately, appearance does make a difference.  For example, most of my friends are thin and when I go out with them, they are approached and I am not.  It's hard to get someone to fall in love with you when they won't even start a conversation with you.  Now, I have tried being more out there myself and feel that either I'm not given a chance, or they aren't interested over all (which is bound to happen with anyone).  I have several reasons for wanting to lose weight, and appearance ranks high.  I don't know why that's bad.  If we weren't all invested in appearance, I don't think many WLS patients would get plastic surgery.  I appreciate your feedback and it forces me to reevaluate my decision-making process.  

 In a perfect world it would be lean protein and veggies but this is far from perfect!  I am so not a person that believes in excluding entire food groups.  I eat carbs and I will continue to the rest of my life!  If someone told me pre-op that I'd have to give that up, I'd be hesitant too.  I've learned it's all about balance.   I made some pretty good low-sugar sweets around Christmas time this year.  I use splenda or stevia in place of sugar and try to reduce fat where I can also.  It may not be as great as the real thing but it's not bad and I don't feel deprived.  I have tendancies to binge when someone tells me I can't have something, so if I can have a little bit or a good substitute, then I'm fine.  Some of my trigger foods I can't have yet because I go nuts with them but I'm slowly trying to get to a place where no food is off limits to me.  We really are reteaching ourselves how to eat.  

Good luck!  

~Emily~