Missed out on all my life

Merry Christmas all!

This isn't a particularly happy post this Christmas, so please don't continue if it will spoil your mood.  You see I've been stuck in 14" snow for the past two days and gotten a lot of thinking done.  My chances at WLS have dropped (my parents were going to pay out of pocket but with the economy still slow they don't want to make such a big investment now).  So, I have come here not because of WLS, but hopefully because you can relate to my experience.  

This all started two nights ago when I took the 15/16 year old girls that I tutor out to coffee and to see Xmas lights.  Seeing them and hearing about their busy, fun, teenage lives made me realize, once again, what I missed.  This often happes.  I often feel like I live on an alternate universe from thin people.  Maybe it's one of my own making, but it's different just the same.  I didn't really have friends in highschool so I spent most of my time at home.  I didn't do normal teenage things like shopping--goodness no!  I didn't go to dances and whenever I made an attempt to make friends or join student government, I was coldly rejected.  The one dance I did go to, senior prom, I went with a group of girls going single and all I have are my hideous pictures to remind me.  There were no spring break cruises like my classmates, or trips to Mexico.  This continued to college.  I didn't go out of state because I was too scared of being away from family and trying to make friends.  After going through sorority rush and having a miserable time (I dropped rush) I transferred from the state school to the regional university so that I could live at home again.  And that is where I am now.  In many ways I feel like I'm still 14.  Every time I get a glimpse at what my life could've been, what all I've missed, I feel so cheated.  

I suppose most of this is coming to surface because I should be getting to graduate from college.  This may sound crazy but I don't want to graduate.  I went to a commuter school and lived at home!  Graduating would forever be putting that in the past.  Futhermore (and this is probably less weight-related), I don't know what I'm going to do.  Because I have lived at home and always surrounded myself with family I don't know how to be an independent adult.  And also because I've lived at home, I didn't have to have a job in college and so I feel totally lost.  I feel totally, totally lost for the future and I don't feel like I got the full college experience--both socially and educationally.  I've been considering graduate school, but because I was stupid and moved back home and go to the regional school, I'm disadvantaged for grad school admissions. 

I don't know if anyone can relate to my psychobabble.  I feel like a 15 year old being expected to graduate from college!  I want my life back!  I don't want to kiss it all goodbye.  

Hi girl, im sorry u feel like that. u have to go out and experince the world"""! u cannot let one "phisical" thing to get in the way of ur life. i say physical cuz ur "healthy" now i hope so!.lol
i stoped doing lots of things because of my weight,  i think its all in ur mind. so u have to start working on it. maybe u need some help. if u need it get it!.
i know lots of fat girls who are very POPULAR! u wouldn`t believe it. its an actitud thing. I was kinda like you i  have thougth before about all that u said. but i made my self go out with my friends and have a fun n try to not think about my body n stuff is very hard but is manegable (what an awful way to put it but is true) you are gorgeus n u seem like sweet girl. so try to not be to hard on urself. 
and yes nobody who hasnt been fat can understand how we feel. but there is worse things than being fat.

hugs!!! ur not alone!!

 

I totally agree that being fat puts breaks on a lot of things and there were/are times where I felt totally out of place with my friends but I know that was something in my head not theirs.  I was average in high school as far as popularity, made fun of by a few stupid guys and a couple *****y girls but mostly just friends with everyone.  And really no one liked those people at all.  Once I hit college I was popular, not sure what changed but it was fun.  I had lots of friends and did all sorts of stuff.  I was even president of my sorority, and I was fat.  I just decided that weight was not going to stop me from having fun.  I had a great guy and good friends and enjoyed life to the fullest.  College is the perfect place to find friends and meet new people because although it may seem like everyone was homecoming queen or the star of the team the realistic thing is more people are like you and are just looking for a group to fit in with.  I say apply to a ton of grad schools and enjoy bc usually those are close-knit groups who all study and hang out together.  That was my experience with medical school and it was awesome.  It seems you are putting the stops on your life with the excuses, "I won't get accepted to grad school", "I don't know how to be and adult."  etc.  Do you really want to be 30 and look back and feel like you missed your 20's like you did your teens?  NOOOOOO WAYYY!!!!! You can choose to start living your life now.  With our without WLS.  Go to grad school, get a good job, and then you can use your insurance to pay for it.  Set goals and go after them.  You are the only person who is standing in your way right now.  I can guarantee you will not get in to any grad school you don't apply to.  You won't go shopping or out for drinks with any friends you don't make.  Put yourself out there, introduce yourself.  I hope you can see where I am coming from with all of this and that I don't hurt your feelings in any way.  I am 26 and sometimes get mad like I missed out on my 20s and I realize they are barely half over and I will enjoy them!!!!  Please do the same!!!!!!!! 

 There was a post titled "perspective" that sort of delt with this also.  I understand how you feel because I've not done things because of they way I felt about myself too.  But, it was all me....it was my irrational thoughts that made me do/not do those things.  I don't really feel like I missed anything because I'm a firm believer that everything that happens to us in the past takes us to where we are today...but I know that there's more I probably could have done.  The good news?  It's never too late to change and take some risks.  

I'm thinking from reading your post that being overweight is not the whole issue.  You are going through some big life changes that would make anyone nervous...especially graduating college, I was terrified!   You are scared of the unknown, which is normal but you can't be so scared of it that you end up losing sight of your goals.  Really, what's the worst that will happen if you try but something doesn't work out exactly the way  you wanted?  Probably nothing.  At least you can say you tried.  Plus, you never know in what crazy situation an opportunity is waiting.  

Good luck to you, I understand what you are going through but just remember that you are in control of your new adult life now so don't be afraid of the responsibility, take charge of it!  Don't miss anymore opportunities!  You live for you...no one else.  

~Emily~

First i think most people feel at a disadvantage being overweight and your right at times it can be used as a crutch to not do things. But instead of reminiscing on all the things you didnt do in the past , look to the new year with optimism and positivism. Jump out of the box and be open to new experiences instead of scared. Yes you have lived home your entire life but instead of being scared of living on your own in the future or not getting a real job etc .. give 100% and make those thing happen.. with every new experience you learn something about yourself. If you constantly use your weight as a crutch and not experience life you will regret your entire life and have it pass you by. You seem like a sweet girl .. go make friends.. join a club or book group or help out at a local soup kitchen make friends doing things that interest you. Life isn't perfect but each day if you dust yourself off and try your best it will work itself out and you wont have regrets..
write  a list of things you have always wanted to do .. like a bucket list and do one every month, day or week. When you start having confidence it wont matter what size you are!! You can have friends or be popular at any size! Live your life... try things .. if it doesnt work out atleast you can say you tried... good luck! heres to 2010

I will never forget the days I used to cruise this website and look at all the pictures of the "skinny"people...I wanted nothing more than to be just like them. I had a 2 years struggle (mental and physical) to have my gastric bypass... And it was hell girl.  All I did was tell myself on a daily basis that I would have the surgery no matter what it took.  It will happen I know it will.  It just depends on how bad YOU want it.  I finally had my surgery in 2008.  I was fat my whole life and I'm just now making up for lost time.  It will come just believe.  I know.    :)

 ~Traci Mitchell~ 

http://www.facebook.com/#/traci.mitchell1?ref=profile

Have you read "The Secret"?  there is a video of it too.  Many people have already said what I would say to you so I won't repeat, but please.....carpe diem!   Life is short!  I have always been a believer that your life is what you make it.  If you want something you have to go get it for yourself, Nobody else is going to hand it over to you.  Dream big!  Then chase those dreams.

I come from an average family but was raised to dream as big as possible.  If you can dream it, you can do it.  I just turned 29 a few days ago and have had a 6 figure salary since I was 26.  I am planning my life and making it unfold exactly how i want it to.  I decided I wanted to be healthier and look better and I made it happen.  I paid cash for my surgery.

If there is one thing I have learned in this life it is this.  

You teach people how to treat you.     If you accept mean comment, rudeness, etc, then you will undoubtedly be treated that way.  But if you stand up for yourself, are decisive, confident and portray the types of qualities you would like to have in your friends....those are the types of people you will attract into your life.  Project what it is that you want in return.  You will get it.  I live my life this way and i am probably the happiest person I know.  My cup is always half full...my future is bright.  My today is perfect.   I accept nothing less....you shouldn't either!!!

 

I won't wish you luck because I dont belive in it....but i will say......Make it happen girl.  only you can decide if you will be happy or not.

Wow, I could have written the original post. I feel like I've missed out on alot also. Some due to my weight, and some due to my personal decisons. High school was ok for me, I only went to one dance, but I did have a close group of friends. I didn't like to party as much as most of them so I didn't. Recenlty a friend passed away and we were going through photo albums and I really kinda felt like I didn't even know them then. I am not in ANY pictures. Either because I stayed home or avoided the camera like the plague. My joke used to always be "if I die ya'll will just have to remember me in your minds." It made me sad, esp under the cir****tances that day. Surprisingly I've never been to afriad to do things, but I'm not much for stickin with it. I went out of state to school, but I went to a school known for being full of hot chicks. I stayed there 1 semester. Gave up b/c I didn't really make any friends. I have been to 5 schools. My grades have been mostly crappy, not because I'm stupid, but because I generally felt so down about myself I couldn't focus and didn't really try. I hated going to class and being the big girl, or sweating walking around campus, or being uncomfortable in the desks. I would love to go to grad school too, but I have really screwed the pooch on that.(btw, where you went is prob much less important if your grades are stellar)  I was involved in a service fraternity and while I was never treated badly often times I was ignored or overlooked. The thin cute girls somehow ended up being "BFF" w/ everyone after a week or two and I was in it for 3 years and have a just a few friends from that. 

I get annoyed when people say "its all in your head" because I think a lot is, but not all.  I think that being bigger definitely affects how many, but not all, people interact with you. I wasn't really overweight until 8th grade. I was an incredibly outgoing child. As I got heavier I changed. I became much quieter and introverted. The part that's "in your head" is the script that says people won't like me b/c I'm fat, or everyone's staring at me b/c I'm fat. They might be, but *****allyknows. However, I noticed in my fraternity ( which was coed) people were nice to me, and we talked at meetings and projects...but I was never invited to the parties, or to hang out, etc. I was def treated differently than my thinner brothers.

There were, and always are bigger girls who are popular and don't seem to have the issues. But its their personality type. I was not raised by optimists. My mom has been complaining about being fat my whole life and she weighs 120 on a heavy day. So yea, a lot is related to personality, but people do make more of an effort to get to know you or include you when you're average sized.

Its really frustrating and sad to think about, but you can't change it. I like to think one day I will be grateful. If anything I am more sensitive to others and more empathetic. I don't rush to judgement on othes. I've made lots of bad decisions for stupid reasons. But everyone does that. My thin friends have had all kinds of problems too. Trouble with school, drugs, partying too much, dwi, men, etc. Many of them are far far more insecure than I am too which always amazes me. I want to have surgery to be healthy and be normal, but I don't give a lick about being a size 2 ever. My friend who is a 6/8 feels worse about herself than I do as a size 22. Its maddening. I have one friend who has had a pretty decent time and made all the right moves. But I'm sure at some point she'll have her own cross to bear. At least I know right now that I can go through tough times and come out the other side still standing. It can only get better and I think I'd rather be here with no where to go but up than standing on the mountain all my life terrified to fall off. IF that makes sense. I have to remind myself to think this way tho. Its easy to get lost in the self pity cycle. But again ,EVERYONE has regrets and goes through this.  Anyway, sorry for the novel.