Settling down versus settling
(If you don't want to/don't have time to read through all of my rambling, just scroll to the bottom for a summary of the topic and chime in. But if you have time, I'd appreciate if you read it all 
I promise, this has to do with WLS in a way.)
People around me are in the mode of trying to find "the one" and obviously it's very typical for my age group, but it seems a lot of people get obsessed with the idea because they are desparate and lonely.
I have a friend who currently has strong feelings for me and is basically trying to bribe me into having a relationship with him. I care for him, as I do for many people... but I am just not ready to start anything. It hurts to admit it, but I am still so love sick and devastated over my ex who died, that I can't imagine the thought of loving another. This friend's pressures on me just got me thinking about this obsession with settling down and finding someone. Like I said, I'm a bit bitter... but have also learned my fair share.
My mother settled. It was a different time and a different culture, so she didn't have much of a choice. But now, almost 40 years later... she is married and alone and never got what she dreamed for out of married life. She has been my main motivator to demand more from life... she has taught me the value of not settling.
I have many friends that have settled and are already unhappy (and only in their early 20s). Unlike them, one of my best friends took a brave step this month. After 6 years of being with her boyfriend and planning a wedding for August 2010, she broke off her engagement. When she told me, I said, "I am proud of you." I always saw in her eyes that it just wasn't right. She knew it and every time she tried to plan the wedding, it just caused her extreme anxiety. I told her I was proud of her for making such a tough choice.
I think that sometimes people confuse SETTLING DOWN with SETTLING because of feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and desperation. I did that a lot, especially when I was big. I took what I could get and mindlessly accepted what I got. Now I am consciously asking myself, "Do I want this? Does this make me happy? Is this really what I want?" That's a very progressive concept for me when it comes to relationships. I almost feel selfish for doing it... but at some point I need to start listening to that voice in my head that screams at me when something is just "not right." I don't want to rush into things. I think sometimes people choose partners faster than they choose out a new car. I feel like life is really short... and I don't want to waste even another week with someone that drags me down as opposed to lifts me up. Maybe that sounds *****y, but WLS has taught me to put myself first. Just wondering what your thoughts are on the topic.
I promise, this has to do with WLS in a way.)People around me are in the mode of trying to find "the one" and obviously it's very typical for my age group, but it seems a lot of people get obsessed with the idea because they are desparate and lonely.
I have a friend who currently has strong feelings for me and is basically trying to bribe me into having a relationship with him. I care for him, as I do for many people... but I am just not ready to start anything. It hurts to admit it, but I am still so love sick and devastated over my ex who died, that I can't imagine the thought of loving another. This friend's pressures on me just got me thinking about this obsession with settling down and finding someone. Like I said, I'm a bit bitter... but have also learned my fair share.
My mother settled. It was a different time and a different culture, so she didn't have much of a choice. But now, almost 40 years later... she is married and alone and never got what she dreamed for out of married life. She has been my main motivator to demand more from life... she has taught me the value of not settling.
I have many friends that have settled and are already unhappy (and only in their early 20s). Unlike them, one of my best friends took a brave step this month. After 6 years of being with her boyfriend and planning a wedding for August 2010, she broke off her engagement. When she told me, I said, "I am proud of you." I always saw in her eyes that it just wasn't right. She knew it and every time she tried to plan the wedding, it just caused her extreme anxiety. I told her I was proud of her for making such a tough choice.
I think that sometimes people confuse SETTLING DOWN with SETTLING because of feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and desperation. I did that a lot, especially when I was big. I took what I could get and mindlessly accepted what I got. Now I am consciously asking myself, "Do I want this? Does this make me happy? Is this really what I want?" That's a very progressive concept for me when it comes to relationships. I almost feel selfish for doing it... but at some point I need to start listening to that voice in my head that screams at me when something is just "not right." I don't want to rush into things. I think sometimes people choose partners faster than they choose out a new car. I feel like life is really short... and I don't want to waste even another week with someone that drags me down as opposed to lifts me up. Maybe that sounds *****y, but WLS has taught me to put myself first. Just wondering what your thoughts are on the topic.
I love your post! You are so right about people our age stting down. So funny that have a friend that has been with someone 6 years and broke off their engagement! I too have that friend!! She dated a guy for 6 years and planned and PAID for the whole wedding then called it off!! I was also SO PROUD of her for her courage!
Anyway I think I was that girl that settled! I got married at 19 to a man that was in the Navy. He went to Iraq for a year and we had dated for 3 years and when he returned I guess it was just the natural thing to do...to get married :S EEEEKKKK!!! NOT a good thing!!! I settled BIG TIME!!!! My family was devistated. I remember at the alter when the preacher said do you take this man, the first thing that came to my mind was RUN LIKE HELL!!! That is not a natural reaction to that , I question on your wedding day! Well I didn't....I married the SOB! Now almost 3 years later I am getting divorced! It will be final on Feb. 16, 2010! That day could not come any sooner. I felt like I was the heavy girl and I found this guy who was I am not going to lie, VERY good looking. Why in the world would he want me? So I settled. He was less than what I deserved and was not the one that God chose for me.
I had WLS on Monday and I am using this and my divrce as a means to an end to the old me. The old me that settled. I now know what to look for in a mate (not that I am looking now) but when the time comes I know I will be a better judge of character than before. I know this WLS is going to bring out the confidence in me that has long been lacking. I have grown so much from this whole experience and I AM NOT SETTLING ANYMORE!!!!!!!
Great Post by the way it really got me thinking!!! By the way it kinda reminds me of that SugarLand song "I aint settlin'" You should listen to it! It is spot on!!!
*HUGS*
Haley
Anyway I think I was that girl that settled! I got married at 19 to a man that was in the Navy. He went to Iraq for a year and we had dated for 3 years and when he returned I guess it was just the natural thing to do...to get married :S EEEEKKKK!!! NOT a good thing!!! I settled BIG TIME!!!! My family was devistated. I remember at the alter when the preacher said do you take this man, the first thing that came to my mind was RUN LIKE HELL!!! That is not a natural reaction to that , I question on your wedding day! Well I didn't....I married the SOB! Now almost 3 years later I am getting divorced! It will be final on Feb. 16, 2010! That day could not come any sooner. I felt like I was the heavy girl and I found this guy who was I am not going to lie, VERY good looking. Why in the world would he want me? So I settled. He was less than what I deserved and was not the one that God chose for me.
I had WLS on Monday and I am using this and my divrce as a means to an end to the old me. The old me that settled. I now know what to look for in a mate (not that I am looking now) but when the time comes I know I will be a better judge of character than before. I know this WLS is going to bring out the confidence in me that has long been lacking. I have grown so much from this whole experience and I AM NOT SETTLING ANYMORE!!!!!!!
Great Post by the way it really got me thinking!!! By the way it kinda reminds me of that SugarLand song "I aint settlin'" You should listen to it! It is spot on!!!
*HUGS*
Haley
Thanks for your reply Haley! You said it very well.... I would rather be alone than have to put up with not being happy. Congrats on your WLS and your divorce hehe :) May you start your new fresh life and get everything you want out of it!
prior to surgery i was willing to settle with any guy who could learn to love me for my size. now since my surgery i could care less. i tell guys straite up im not going to take any bs from anyone and if you dont like it theres the door. i deserve to be happy everyday and im not going to let anyone take that away from me. i have even come to the conclusion if i never find the one person i am ment to marry then i will still have the life i want. i will adopt children or what not. i have learned that i can trully be happy with myself and i am fine with that. surgery has realy taught me how to love me for me and i love that because i thought i was happy with myself before but it was really a lie i was telling myself cause i was only happy if there was a guy around. im not going to settle for anything but the best.
SW 280/ SW 266/ PPW 175/ CW 185
GREAT THREAD!!
I personally am in a really stable, and awesome relationship....but i can tell u that i have had my fair share of *** ed up relationships, and all of them because i just " SETTLED" i was abused, and mis treated because i had no self esteem whatsoever, because of my weight...
i than learned to love my self, and not settle for less, im thankful that i learned all of this before my WLS, i was at my highest when i hooked up with my now fiance, and he loved me for me, and he helped me learn to love myself....
i can totally relate to this , and this subject is a little sensitive to me, but i can say that im a totally different person now, for the better, and im still a work in progress, but i can honestly say, that no MF will EVER break me again..=)
have a nice day ladies...
BoRiCuA408
I personally am in a really stable, and awesome relationship....but i can tell u that i have had my fair share of *** ed up relationships, and all of them because i just " SETTLED" i was abused, and mis treated because i had no self esteem whatsoever, because of my weight...
i than learned to love my self, and not settle for less, im thankful that i learned all of this before my WLS, i was at my highest when i hooked up with my now fiance, and he loved me for me, and he helped me learn to love myself....
i can totally relate to this , and this subject is a little sensitive to me, but i can say that im a totally different person now, for the better, and im still a work in progress, but i can honestly say, that no MF will EVER break me again..=)
have a nice day ladies...
BoRiCuA408
i just wrote a blog post on this. it's hard for me to really know what settling is, versus settling down or anything. I guess i had too much pride or fear to ever let a guy in that wasn't good to me... so I just let no one in. now i'm thinking that it can be pretty lonely, and maybe i should work harder rather than moving on so fast. its hard to know
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly!
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