OT: Doing nice things for people
Okay, so this is off topic. And it will probably be long. I'm wondering whether it's okay to expect to be appreciated for doing nice things for people.
I like doing nice things for people because usually it makes them feel good, and in return I feel good. Isn't that the human incentive for doing most things: it increase our "utility"--our happiness and warm-fuzzies? I Even the most well-intentioned volunteers do it because they get some good out of it.
So, I guess my question is: Do you expect to be appreciated for the nice things you do?
I absolutely do. I have come under fire in my circle of friends for thinking so. I know that people show their appreciation in different ways and at different times, but if something that I'm doing goes completely unnoticed, is not appreciated, or the receiving party does something to show lack of consideration, I'm out. I guess I feel that if someone doesn't appreciate what I'm doing, there are plenty others who will, so why waste more time trying to please you.
The cir****tance I'm talking about is that I love to cook and decided to cook Oktoberfest for my parents and their close friends who are like my parents also. I didn't have to do it, and yes I got a kick out of the cooking because I like it. I meticulously planned everything to align with when dinner was to be served, and all that was left to do was for my dad to put the brats on the grill. It was his house and his friends, after all, and furthermore he and his friend were sitting outside drinking beer anyway. 20 min. later I walk out to see if the brats are done (because the rest of dinner is done) and they have not been put on the grill. This is not the first time something like this has happened, and not the most extreme, but it is the most recent example of thoughtlessness. Was it a big deal: no. Did my world end: no. What it did do was make me question my motives for why I do things for people and what I expect in return.
As I say, my friends chastised me for expecting anything. Life's too short, they said, you should do nice things for people without strings attached, and then they reminded me of all the good things my parents have done for me. While I am certainly appreciative of my parents, how well they've provided is neither here nor there. I went to all this work FOR THEM, and it was completely dismissed. I didn't expect a gold star, or anything, just a simple recognition that I had done this work for them. Now, I don't want to do that again. Is it so wrong to expect to be appreciated? Like I say, my thought is that there is someone I can cook (or whatever I'm doing) for who will appreciate it.
I like doing nice things for people because usually it makes them feel good, and in return I feel good. Isn't that the human incentive for doing most things: it increase our "utility"--our happiness and warm-fuzzies? I Even the most well-intentioned volunteers do it because they get some good out of it.
So, I guess my question is: Do you expect to be appreciated for the nice things you do?
I absolutely do. I have come under fire in my circle of friends for thinking so. I know that people show their appreciation in different ways and at different times, but if something that I'm doing goes completely unnoticed, is not appreciated, or the receiving party does something to show lack of consideration, I'm out. I guess I feel that if someone doesn't appreciate what I'm doing, there are plenty others who will, so why waste more time trying to please you.
The cir****tance I'm talking about is that I love to cook and decided to cook Oktoberfest for my parents and their close friends who are like my parents also. I didn't have to do it, and yes I got a kick out of the cooking because I like it. I meticulously planned everything to align with when dinner was to be served, and all that was left to do was for my dad to put the brats on the grill. It was his house and his friends, after all, and furthermore he and his friend were sitting outside drinking beer anyway. 20 min. later I walk out to see if the brats are done (because the rest of dinner is done) and they have not been put on the grill. This is not the first time something like this has happened, and not the most extreme, but it is the most recent example of thoughtlessness. Was it a big deal: no. Did my world end: no. What it did do was make me question my motives for why I do things for people and what I expect in return.
As I say, my friends chastised me for expecting anything. Life's too short, they said, you should do nice things for people without strings attached, and then they reminded me of all the good things my parents have done for me. While I am certainly appreciative of my parents, how well they've provided is neither here nor there. I went to all this work FOR THEM, and it was completely dismissed. I didn't expect a gold star, or anything, just a simple recognition that I had done this work for them. Now, I don't want to do that again. Is it so wrong to expect to be appreciated? Like I say, my thought is that there is someone I can cook (or whatever I'm doing) for who will appreciate it.
if i were planning something big like that for my family I would leave no task to anyone but myself. I have learned that when you involve other people, you are only setting yourself up to be dissappointed by them. In other words, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. Im sure you left that one element out because you were doing a million other things, but honestly i have been dealing with men in my life for a long time now and you just cant count on them to do anything.
Its horrible to think like that, but I have made more room for peace in my life if I insist on doing everything myself in order for it to be up to my standards.
oh what a hard lesson to learn isnt it?
I also request appreciation for the things I do for others. I have someone in my life that I clean their house whenever i go over there, and even though they never clean mine when we are at my house, she appreciates me in other ways like mowing my lawn or taking me out to eat.
I tend to stop hanging around people that dont appreciate me.
with the exception of family of course. I do everything for them without appreciation and could care less.
Its horrible to think like that, but I have made more room for peace in my life if I insist on doing everything myself in order for it to be up to my standards.
oh what a hard lesson to learn isnt it?
I also request appreciation for the things I do for others. I have someone in my life that I clean their house whenever i go over there, and even though they never clean mine when we are at my house, she appreciates me in other ways like mowing my lawn or taking me out to eat.
I tend to stop hanging around people that dont appreciate me.
with the exception of family of course. I do everything for them without appreciation and could care less.
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