Never dated and having issues with that

I don't know if it's okay for me to post on here and stray from WLS.

First, I should fess up.  I've been away from this site and indeed canceled my appts with the surgeon because I don't feel prepared to get WLS.  He suggested, as many of you suggested, that if I don't feel I've exhausted all my resources then I should continue to try to lose weight.  I've been actively watching my weight for 3 weeks now and have lost 5lbs.  

I've been having some emotional issues with my weight recently, especially pertaining to my relationships with others, in particular the nonexistence of my relationships with men.  It has taken me a long time to be willing to say that I have issues, emotional issues with my weight.  I guess I feel like weight has robbed so much from me that I don't want to think it could take my mind and self-image, etc.  

The weird thing is, I'm really, really, confident intrapersonally, but very self-conscious interpersonally.  I grew up being sick a lot and kind of kept to myself and so I really like myself and am hardly willing to make concessions to attract other people.  Yet as I have gotten older and had trouble making friends, in particular boyfriends, I'm am concerned and saddened by how difficult it has been for me.  Recently I have been really trying hard.  I've been dressing to the nines, trying to seem engaging and clever and confident, etc.  I totally get it that I won't get picked up in a bar or whatever, but I felt that surely someone, somewhere, would like me period.  No "when" or "if."  Just me.  I don't know that will ever happen and I'm saddened for two reasons:  1) my faith in people is dwindling, and 2) I don't want to be alone!  I don't know how to reconcile these thoughts.  I mean, yes, I am striving to lose weight and be healthy but I have some trouble thinking that I am playing by this unfair system's rules.

Like I say, it's hard for me to accept that weight might have caused me emotional/psychological problems too.  I have never been on a date.  Ever.  At 22 I have a hard time making sense of that other than I am in some way broken.  My friends don't know that about me, I don't think.  I want them to think of me as normal as possible.  Every time they get together and talk about their significant others I am terrified they will quiz me an uncover the truth, and then they too will know that I am broken, and unwanted.  And they will not want me either.  That was really hard for me to admit that I think this way.  I hope it was okay for me to post about this but I don't feel as though many people can understand.  I hope I'm not unusually emotionally raw.  Normally I function fine and am happy but this (that men don't seem to like me AT ALL) seems to be the big hole in my life that I can't rationalize around anymore.  

wow. I don't know who you are, but I'm literally in awe of you right now. that was so honest-- i totally applaud you ability to own up to things and see things clearly even when so much personal pain is involved.

First I would say, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I mean it, you are NOT alone. I'm 22 as well, I had weight loss surgery in october, and I still never went on 1 date... [until like 3 weeks ago, i moved, and joined an on-line dating site, and now i've been on lots. but that hardly counts]. I know exactly what it's like to hide that shame, to pu**** away and try to act like everything is fine, and to struggle with that defining my sense of worth. I had, and often have, those same exact feelings.

I run in some conservative circles where a number of girls had never dated, so that was sometimes a reassurance. I know when I met some wonderful, socially capable, respectable, beautiful women who haven't dated, that the 'fault' doesn't always lie within the person. Still, there's only so much self-talk that you can do before those thoughts will triumph- 'broken', 'unwanted' and the like.

I wish there was an easy solution to the problem, but if there is, I don't know about it. I know that it helped me be more open about it. I thought it would make people uncomfortable, and sometimes it did, but mostly, when I vocalized things my friends were amazingly encouraging and supportive and non-judgemental about where I was. they also knew me well enough to suggest different ways I could interact with men that would communicate my interest better [my awkwardness is a major hindrance for potentials, or so i tell myself]. I also went to therapy, and spent most of my time hashing out paticulars of interacting with me. The last thing I worked on was taking mental notes- both of how girls that always attracted the men behaved and also notes on what my guy friends liked, I kinda 'practiced' on them in a non-romantic setting. it helped build my confidence. online dating has also been an ego boost of sorts, but it is more appearance driven than meeting people through friends or common interests. are you still at a place where you are actively meeting available men/ if not, that can be a huge problem ;]

thanks for being so open- you are always welcome here, surgery or no surgery. this is most certainly on topic, but we're all here to support eachother through life in general. and we could use more people like you

best,
ann

I've thought about, and still continue to think about the same things you're feeling. I would have never posted this if you hadn't, so thanks for having the courage to do it.

I've been alone for the most part pretty much my entire life. That's actually one of the main reasons I got surgery - I didn't really care what my health was 30 years down the line. I kind of thought everything would fall in place, and people (and girls) would talk to me. Now, they are a little more likely to talk to me, but it's not what I thought. The weight is such  a small part of it it seems; I guess that's how so many people are able to do well despite their physical issues. I've talked to a few therapists about this, including one that had WLS herself, and they REALLY don't get it. They can't seem to be able to talk about engaging other people socially without reverting to a model that would only be appropriate for a 5 year old. They don't know how to respond to a 21 year old that has the same issues. It also feels like so many people don't actively pursue new friends - they already have everything taken care of, and you basically have to be an incredibly cool or interesting person for this to change. I mean, they might be okay with it eventually, but they expect me to be the super outgoing one, which is so completely foreign to me.

All this extends to finding girls too. In the real world, I am so uncomfortable with approaching someone, and it's pretty much expected that I'm supposed to be the one approaching. So many of the girls on the internet seem like they really don't want to be there.  Many times they'll reply, but they seem so out of it. Of course, it's equally likely that my pics don't pass their strigent standards. I'm guessing that happens a little often too and I'm getting the pity reply.

really though, it's all stressful. I hide for the most part behind the whole trying to do really well in school and getting ready to start my career thing next summer and "not having time for girls or friends". I hate that I'm here on a Saturday night, not out - but I know it sucks even worse from experience to actually go out, and be stuck on my own, while everyone else is with all their friends having fun. I just can't do that, and I don't having the skills it takes to actually make friends with those people, as much as I try. I still have faith that eventually I'll work through all of this, but it looks impossible from here.

so, I know I have none of the answers, but at least you know that others are in the same boat.

Sorry, I don't really have the answer either.. I just wanted to say that I whole-heartedly agree with what everyone else has said.

I recently graduated college last year and it's been soooo hard meeting people since then.  It's hard enough for me to try to make FRIENDs let alone try and date anyone. Like David said, being healthy wasn't really my motivator for having the surgery... it was wondering how people will treat me afterwards and how dating and social situations would change for me post-op. I'm scared to death I'm going to lose the weight and STILL no one is going to want me. Then I will know that it isn't the weight that is scaring people away... it's ME.

I've tried the internet dating sites and that hasn't really worked out for me. I've went on quite a few dates... none of which ever led to a second date. I always see women bigger than me with guys and I think "if they can find someone then why can't I?" I've got a career and a college degree! I don't have 3 kids by 3 different guys! I shower daily and try to take care of my body! Why doesn't anyone want ME!?? I DO see a therapist and you guys are right, they really don't have any answers. They talk about trying internet dating (i have) and about trying to really put yourself out there (i have) and that eventually someone will respond (not so much). I've given up dating all together until after I have my surgery. My best friend told me not to because "wouldn't you want to find a guy who loves you and accepts you at this weight because then you know he will be supportive of you after the surgery?" Yea I'd love that but sorry, he's not out there.

So yes. You're definately not alone. And if you do find the answers you're looking for, please share and then possibly write a book about it because apparently no one knows the answer.  

Hey girl... I think a lot of us feel the same way. I was talking to a group of WLS people this weekend about being approachable. There are big girls out there that get TONS of attention... not just from men, but in general... making friends, social events, etc. And then there are small girls that can't get one person to talk to them. I think a lot of it has to do with approachability... I was told that apparently I was unapproachable, perhaps because I don't smile. I didn't think something that small would make such a difference but I guess it does.

I don't think you are broken in anyway. I bet your friends who have boyfriends have a ton of insecurities and may have even settled for something that isn't worthy of them... but they'd never tell you that because they, also, are trying to keep up an image of "I'm not broken." Everyone is trying to keep up an image that there are no issues.

When I was over 300lbs... I thought I was pretty emotionally stable and collected. But as I lost weight... I realized that there were a lot of issues I hadn't dealt with... how men should treat women and how watching my parents interact taught me that fighting and drama was a normal part of a relationship. Then my body image issues and thinking I am not worth a good man. These are things that I have been working through with a psychologist and with workbooks. Things are becoming more clear for me. Only then do I feel ready for a healthy relationship.

As far as being wanted by men... I don't think size matters that much. Would you REALLY want to be wanted by a man who solely picks you based on your looks? NOPE. That's not the kind of man you would want. Would you want a man that picks you up at a bar? NOPE... probably not. Also not worthy of you! I think your self-awareness is very smart... listen to your self-talk and remind yourself that you don't need anyone to complete you... only to complement you. I think things will come in time. You are ONLY 22. In some circles, girls are already married and have kids at that age... some will have strong relationships but others jumped into something that their parents were asking for or into something they thought sounded romantic (a wedding, family). Take your time... this is a chance to concentrate on YOU and spoil yourself rotten. Take care of yourself and that man will come into your life and treat you like the princess you are. Good luck to you!

I feel your pain.  I spent my entire life alone.  I hung out with girls that always wanted a great guy who cared about them and wasn't just out for a quick hookup.  I was that guy, but nobody wanted anything to do with me outside of friendship.  My wife wasn't even interested (Of course I wasn't interested in her either).  Her brother and I were best friends and he was always trying to set us up.  Eventually just through friendship we started liking each other.  My point is this...rarely do we find love when we are LOOKING for it.  I mean searching for it.  Thats what I was always doing.  You are a beautiful girl. Try to be patient and not be looking for love.  You are still young and there is PLENTY of time!  The deepest loves grow out of the deepest friendships.  Hang in there.  I think you would probably be surprised to find the number of people who haven't been on a date or kissed someone or anything else...and I'm not just talking about overweight people.  The most attractive thing you can do is be yourself and have fun, not worrying about what people think about you.