Consultation is Friday--and now I'm backpeddling
Well I rescheduled my consultation for Friday which makes me happy because this opens up the possibility to get the surgery over fall break. I will be missing my toughest class but I think it'll be worth it.
I feel myself backpaddling, though. I'm sure it's completely normal, but I'm having some difficulty fighting it. I just want to be normal. I know, don't we all?! Still, I feel that WLS will forever mark me as different. I'm afraid of having a different eating pattern, of being someone who couldn't (or didn't in some minds) lose weight on her own. I'm pretty sure that's the reality now, but for some reason I feel like WLS will seal my fate. Furthermore, I'm worried that my body might change but my mind won't. I love food! I love to cook and to mealplan and to grocery shop. No amount of stapling, rerouting, twisting or tying will change that. That's not to say that I don't think it will help--passion AND hunger are just too much to take together. I'm having some identity crises. I feel like I am the fat person. I have had to be my best friend and stick up for myself my whole life and suddenly that version of me is not good enough for...me? I feel that, like it or not, a lot of who I am today is in thanks to my weight. While my weight hasn't endeared me to the general public, it has caused me to search deeper within myself and be okay with myself when others weren't. I feel a little like WLS will treat the symptom but not the problem. I want to get down to the root. I know that for me to be successful at weight loss I will have to exercise and eat moderate portions. Why not tackle that without WLS? I'm worried that there will be a disconnect between my weightloss and my thinking.
Also, I'm scared about the long-run effects. What don't we know now? I'm leaning toward VSG and the thought of actually throwing out part of my stomach is scary! I am by no means on death's door yet. Outside of a little breathlessness during exercise, a good deal of my interest in WLS is aesthetic. I do realize, however, that if I do nothing, my health will soon become an issue.
I don't mean at all to say anything about everyone else's decision. I'm sure most of you have gone through the same self Q&A that I'm going through. I am 95% sure that I can't say I'll never eat sweets again. Anything that tells me No to this and No to that is a diet which is what I've always failed at. Eating and love of food is always going to be a big component in my life...barring a labotomy. The question is, will WLS work it's magic with the "how much." There are some normal people who love food and are healthy. That's my goal and I'm just trying to figure out if WLS is that magic potion or not.
I feel myself backpaddling, though. I'm sure it's completely normal, but I'm having some difficulty fighting it. I just want to be normal. I know, don't we all?! Still, I feel that WLS will forever mark me as different. I'm afraid of having a different eating pattern, of being someone who couldn't (or didn't in some minds) lose weight on her own. I'm pretty sure that's the reality now, but for some reason I feel like WLS will seal my fate. Furthermore, I'm worried that my body might change but my mind won't. I love food! I love to cook and to mealplan and to grocery shop. No amount of stapling, rerouting, twisting or tying will change that. That's not to say that I don't think it will help--passion AND hunger are just too much to take together. I'm having some identity crises. I feel like I am the fat person. I have had to be my best friend and stick up for myself my whole life and suddenly that version of me is not good enough for...me? I feel that, like it or not, a lot of who I am today is in thanks to my weight. While my weight hasn't endeared me to the general public, it has caused me to search deeper within myself and be okay with myself when others weren't. I feel a little like WLS will treat the symptom but not the problem. I want to get down to the root. I know that for me to be successful at weight loss I will have to exercise and eat moderate portions. Why not tackle that without WLS? I'm worried that there will be a disconnect between my weightloss and my thinking.
Also, I'm scared about the long-run effects. What don't we know now? I'm leaning toward VSG and the thought of actually throwing out part of my stomach is scary! I am by no means on death's door yet. Outside of a little breathlessness during exercise, a good deal of my interest in WLS is aesthetic. I do realize, however, that if I do nothing, my health will soon become an issue.
I don't mean at all to say anything about everyone else's decision. I'm sure most of you have gone through the same self Q&A that I'm going through. I am 95% sure that I can't say I'll never eat sweets again. Anything that tells me No to this and No to that is a diet which is what I've always failed at. Eating and love of food is always going to be a big component in my life...barring a labotomy. The question is, will WLS work it's magic with the "how much." There are some normal people who love food and are healthy. That's my goal and I'm just trying to figure out if WLS is that magic potion or not.
What your feeling is totally normal. Any major life-changing decision always comes with some moments of panic and questioning if it should really be done or not.
From what you posted, I think it wouldn't hurt at all to visit a psychologist if you aren't already doing so. I receive so much help and insight from my visits and I think it should be required of all WLS patients.
WLS is no magic potion. Weight loss, whatever method, is hard....end of story. Our problems aren't going to go away just because we have surgically altered our stomachs. We are still going to want to numb pain and fears with food just like we always have...the only difference is now we can't, we have to actually face our problems which some of us have never had to do before without the comfort of a couple pints of ice cream. It is scary to think about that. There will still be the urge to eat something just because it's there.
You are totally right, there are lots of healthy weight people that love food. But if you really look at their relationship with food is where you find the difference. They don't obsess, they don't binge, they stop when they are full, etc. I'm slowly learning these behaviors...be it 27 years late, but I'm working on it. You definitely don't have to give up your love of food, you just have to change your relationship with it and realize that a couple bits of something can be just as satisfying as a whole plate. I can 100% say that I can't give up any food for the rest of my life and I won't...to me, that's not normal to ban food unless there's an allergy or it makes you sick. It's all about knowing how much and when to stop. WLS isn't about deprivation, whens that ever worked?
It's really great that you are asking these questions now before surgery. I was full of fear and apprehension before my surgery too. Honestly though, it's not as bad post op as I had in my mind it could be pre-op.
Good luck!
~Emily~
From what you posted, I think it wouldn't hurt at all to visit a psychologist if you aren't already doing so. I receive so much help and insight from my visits and I think it should be required of all WLS patients.
WLS is no magic potion. Weight loss, whatever method, is hard....end of story. Our problems aren't going to go away just because we have surgically altered our stomachs. We are still going to want to numb pain and fears with food just like we always have...the only difference is now we can't, we have to actually face our problems which some of us have never had to do before without the comfort of a couple pints of ice cream. It is scary to think about that. There will still be the urge to eat something just because it's there.
You are totally right, there are lots of healthy weight people that love food. But if you really look at their relationship with food is where you find the difference. They don't obsess, they don't binge, they stop when they are full, etc. I'm slowly learning these behaviors...be it 27 years late, but I'm working on it. You definitely don't have to give up your love of food, you just have to change your relationship with it and realize that a couple bits of something can be just as satisfying as a whole plate. I can 100% say that I can't give up any food for the rest of my life and I won't...to me, that's not normal to ban food unless there's an allergy or it makes you sick. It's all about knowing how much and when to stop. WLS isn't about deprivation, whens that ever worked?
It's really great that you are asking these questions now before surgery. I was full of fear and apprehension before my surgery too. Honestly though, it's not as bad post op as I had in my mind it could be pre-op.
Good luck!
~Emily~
"Tis better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not"
hey bonnie. what ur feeling is very normal i just wanted to bring out something that u say.
"why not tackle that without WLS"... If u have not tryied a diet and excercise program before (which i´m sure u have and many times) give yourself and oportunity and do it!!.
i had tryied so many times before to "tackle that" i lots tons of weight but eventualy i gain it all back! i'm not saying that if u have WLS ur not gonna have to work ur ass of to keep the weight loss and to get to ur goal. cuz is hella hard!!!!!!!!! but now is easier cuz this tool make it easier and make u strong so when ur honeymoon is over and real life starts u are ready to be on our own. now is fun to take care of me to choose the right food to excercise,
and u like cooking!!! wooow thats great ur gonna have so much food cooking healtly and inventing new recepies and enjoy reading al the nutrient facts of products, u have the profile to be a healthy good freak!! sooo enjoy!.
and this surgery ur not .
about ur fear of your body changing and ur mind won´t catch up its very real i still feel like i´m 256 lbs. sometimes is hard to get use to it. altho people tells u u look great is actually very hard to believe it but. we cannot fix a life of selfimage problems in a year! so hopefuly in few more my mind is gonna catch up with my new body : )
wls is not to loook beautiful or to look like ur friends. its to be healhty and to have the best quiality of life that u can. and this tool will give it to u if u are willing to be comited to ur new tool.
so think carefuly if this is what u really want.
I WOULD DO IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN IF I HAD TO. i'll be in that OR insetead of you withouth thinking it twice!!! i wanna have wls again to lose 20 lbs hahaha.
good luck and keep us posted
HUGS!
"why not tackle that without WLS"... If u have not tryied a diet and excercise program before (which i´m sure u have and many times) give yourself and oportunity and do it!!.
i had tryied so many times before to "tackle that" i lots tons of weight but eventualy i gain it all back! i'm not saying that if u have WLS ur not gonna have to work ur ass of to keep the weight loss and to get to ur goal. cuz is hella hard!!!!!!!!! but now is easier cuz this tool make it easier and make u strong so when ur honeymoon is over and real life starts u are ready to be on our own. now is fun to take care of me to choose the right food to excercise,
and u like cooking!!! wooow thats great ur gonna have so much food cooking healtly and inventing new recepies and enjoy reading al the nutrient facts of products, u have the profile to be a healthy good freak!! sooo enjoy!.
and this surgery ur not .
about ur fear of your body changing and ur mind won´t catch up its very real i still feel like i´m 256 lbs. sometimes is hard to get use to it. altho people tells u u look great is actually very hard to believe it but. we cannot fix a life of selfimage problems in a year! so hopefuly in few more my mind is gonna catch up with my new body : )
wls is not to loook beautiful or to look like ur friends. its to be healhty and to have the best quiality of life that u can. and this tool will give it to u if u are willing to be comited to ur new tool.
so think carefuly if this is what u really want.
I WOULD DO IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN IF I HAD TO. i'll be in that OR insetead of you withouth thinking it twice!!! i wanna have wls again to lose 20 lbs hahaha.
good luck and keep us posted
HUGS!
You sound like a good VSG candidate to me. The fact that you love to plan meals and cook is a good thing. One of my biggest problems is getting in a food rut and not feeling like cooking anything since I can't eat that much of it anyway. You at least would enjoy experimenting with meals and getting your protein in.
No matter which surgery you get, you will have to try to avoid sweets though, including the VSG. It's not that you can't physically eat them, it's just that it sort of defeats the purpose of surgery if you are eating high calorie stuff that goes down easy. That's true for any of these WLSs. An occasionally bit is fine though, I think.
Backtracking is normal. The morning of my surgery, I was terrified and wondering if I was doing the right thing. Now that I have lost about 50 pounds since surgery, I'm thinking more and more that I definitely did the right thing.
---"I am by no means on death's door yet."---
The key word is "yet." The way I figure, we have an advantage in WLS, being able to get rid of the weight before we have all of the co-morbidities that so many OH posters already had.
No matter which surgery you get, you will have to try to avoid sweets though, including the VSG. It's not that you can't physically eat them, it's just that it sort of defeats the purpose of surgery if you are eating high calorie stuff that goes down easy. That's true for any of these WLSs. An occasionally bit is fine though, I think.
Backtracking is normal. The morning of my surgery, I was terrified and wondering if I was doing the right thing. Now that I have lost about 50 pounds since surgery, I'm thinking more and more that I definitely did the right thing.
---"I am by no means on death's door yet."---
The key word is "yet." The way I figure, we have an advantage in WLS, being able to get rid of the weight before we have all of the co-morbidities that so many OH posters already had.
Hi!
I've been lurking on this board for a really long time...but I finally felt compelled to post -- I know exactly what you are going throug. I had been fighting the urge to do something about my weight my entire life. I tried drastic diet and exercising programs, and i'd gain it all back. I was in denial about the situation for so long that i'd eat that last hamburger thinking "the diet starts tomorrow." Eventually I crawled up to 292lbs. Only when guy hurled the word "fat" at me during a drunken night out..did I realize that I didn't want to live like this anymore. I am a lot of bad things (argumentative, stubborn, aggressive, sarcastic, judgmental :) ), and it was then that I realized I wanted to be judged by who I was, not what I looked like -- and as long as I stayed fat, that was going to be what defined me.
I ended up having the VSG in May, and I am so so so so happy I did it. I still love food, but now I just eat much less of it. I still love to cook food, but now I cook it for others. I still have the underlying emotional issues, but I find that with every pound that comes off I am able to identify and address those problems much easier. When I was sad pre-surgery, it used to be so easy for me to crawl into an extra large McDonald's French Fries, ignore whatever sad or depressed feeling I was having, and go to sleep. Now I can't do that, and I have to find other (healthier) ways to deal.
I will be post op 4mos next week, and I have lost about 65lbs. I am working out more than I ever have in my life, and I miss it when I don't! I have started trying new things, I am more social than I was the past few years as my weight was crawling up. I look forward to stepping on the scale! When in our lives could we have ever said that??
In short - I wish wish wish wish wish I had done this sooner. I am so sad I waited as long as I did, eating my way to almost 300lbs, waiting for my diet to start the next day. I missed out on so much in my early 20s, and I just hope that I will be able to live life to the fullest from here on out.
Also, to address some of your more specific concerns - with the VSG, there has been no food I haven't been able to eat - and that includes a bite of birthday cake. Additionally, the VSG is a modification of a surgery they have been giving patients who have stomach cancer, except in those surgeries they remove the WHOLE stomach - and people are still able to have very fulfilling lives, with few complications or side effects. I would whole-heartedly recommend this surgery to anyone, and especially someone our age.
I've been lurking on this board for a really long time...but I finally felt compelled to post -- I know exactly what you are going throug. I had been fighting the urge to do something about my weight my entire life. I tried drastic diet and exercising programs, and i'd gain it all back. I was in denial about the situation for so long that i'd eat that last hamburger thinking "the diet starts tomorrow." Eventually I crawled up to 292lbs. Only when guy hurled the word "fat" at me during a drunken night out..did I realize that I didn't want to live like this anymore. I am a lot of bad things (argumentative, stubborn, aggressive, sarcastic, judgmental :) ), and it was then that I realized I wanted to be judged by who I was, not what I looked like -- and as long as I stayed fat, that was going to be what defined me.
I ended up having the VSG in May, and I am so so so so happy I did it. I still love food, but now I just eat much less of it. I still love to cook food, but now I cook it for others. I still have the underlying emotional issues, but I find that with every pound that comes off I am able to identify and address those problems much easier. When I was sad pre-surgery, it used to be so easy for me to crawl into an extra large McDonald's French Fries, ignore whatever sad or depressed feeling I was having, and go to sleep. Now I can't do that, and I have to find other (healthier) ways to deal.
I will be post op 4mos next week, and I have lost about 65lbs. I am working out more than I ever have in my life, and I miss it when I don't! I have started trying new things, I am more social than I was the past few years as my weight was crawling up. I look forward to stepping on the scale! When in our lives could we have ever said that??
In short - I wish wish wish wish wish I had done this sooner. I am so sad I waited as long as I did, eating my way to almost 300lbs, waiting for my diet to start the next day. I missed out on so much in my early 20s, and I just hope that I will be able to live life to the fullest from here on out.
Also, to address some of your more specific concerns - with the VSG, there has been no food I haven't been able to eat - and that includes a bite of birthday cake. Additionally, the VSG is a modification of a surgery they have been giving patients who have stomach cancer, except in those surgeries they remove the WHOLE stomach - and people are still able to have very fulfilling lives, with few complications or side effects. I would whole-heartedly recommend this surgery to anyone, and especially someone our age.
I love my pouch! I really do. I'm only a little over 5 weeks out and I'm doing great. 27 lbs down now since surgery. Besides being on liquids and pureed foods I've been able to eat a bite of anything I wanted so far. I've had a few bites of birthday pie, and a few bites of ice cream with no problems at all. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything and I'm still on pureed foods. I'm not depressed and I don't even think about food a lot of the time. I almost forgot to eat yesterday, lol. It's soooo freeing. I feel full ad then I'm done... occasionally I'll still want a bite of something but then I just wait a few minutes and try that bite. If I feel done then I can be done. I still have those urges, where I'm bored and I just open up the fridge to snack, but I've yet to get anything but a 15 calorie sugar free popsicle on those occasions, and I'm not seeing myself do that as often as I used to. Back in the day you could see me going to the fridge or cupboard and eating something, then going right back immediately after. It's really cool to finally have leftovers. I surprise myself a lot. Today I had less than a half cup of chili and I felt full and had to put the rest away. The other day I had some regular eggs, (not reddiegg) and I could only eat a little less than an egg before i was full. The reddiegg I can eat a lot if I take my time.
I expected this to be much more difficult than it was for me. Maybe it's because I was super well informed because of OH so I was prepared. Maybe it'll be harder later. Maybe I haven't been tested well enough yet. I don't know.... but I do know that I'm quite happy now :)
I expected this to be much more difficult than it was for me. Maybe it's because I was super well informed because of OH so I was prepared. Maybe it'll be harder later. Maybe I haven't been tested well enough yet. I don't know.... but I do know that I'm quite happy now :)
Everyone has to make the decision for themselves, but I can so closely relate to your thought process that I feel compelled to comment. I have been through the SAME thoughts recently. My surgery is scheduled for Friday. I'm presently having moments where I shake my head and think, do I really understand how big this is? Am I seriously doing this? I love to cook, I love the idea of properly nourishing my body. I have asked the same questions about the possibility of pushing myself further outside the 'norm' with my new eating habits. Will I ned to 'justify' these habits to people in the future? The bottom line for me is that yes, this is the right choice for me. I can still cook, the food will just go further as I will be satisfied with less. I will still be able to eat with my family and friends, I will just be eating in a way that I feel is more appropriate for me - my sensibilities and my body. I decided I don't want to waste any more of my life feeling the way I have about my weight and food consumption.
My regular doctor has had WLS herself. She had the Lap Band a while back. Last week we were talking and she was beaming with excitement for me. She said that she has over 100 patients with the band and about 50% of them are truly happy and trouble free long term, but her sleeve patients, they are 100% happy and have adjusted beautifully. She jokingly told me she hates the sleeve patients! It was reassuring to have a doctor, not related to the WLS surgeon or clinic, be so excited for me and supportive of the procedure.
One other thought I've had for you, have you considered counseling of some kind that can help you talk through you emotional and psychological process in the coming months? I know that counseling can be expensive, but lots of schools have resources available for students in this way. The right counselor can be hard to find, but it might be worth looking into.
As you mentioned, these thoughts and feelings of doubt and concern are to be expected. It's a big decision and I wish you the best in making it for yourself. Please know you have the support of this stranger/friend no matter what you share or decide. Go you!
rachel
My regular doctor has had WLS herself. She had the Lap Band a while back. Last week we were talking and she was beaming with excitement for me. She said that she has over 100 patients with the band and about 50% of them are truly happy and trouble free long term, but her sleeve patients, they are 100% happy and have adjusted beautifully. She jokingly told me she hates the sleeve patients! It was reassuring to have a doctor, not related to the WLS surgeon or clinic, be so excited for me and supportive of the procedure.
One other thought I've had for you, have you considered counseling of some kind that can help you talk through you emotional and psychological process in the coming months? I know that counseling can be expensive, but lots of schools have resources available for students in this way. The right counselor can be hard to find, but it might be worth looking into.
As you mentioned, these thoughts and feelings of doubt and concern are to be expected. It's a big decision and I wish you the best in making it for yourself. Please know you have the support of this stranger/friend no matter what you share or decide. Go you!
rachel
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