WARNING: Long vent ahead
If you read this bless your heart... I warn you now that it is going to be a long post... get out while you still can. heh Lately I have been mourning food. Weird I know but I never realized how much food comforted me until I hit a few bumps in the road and really needed comfort... I wished I could eat to make myself eat to feel better and that is when I realized that I was a binge eater. That I used food to numb out the same way that an alcoholic uses beer to solve his problems. I can't eat anymore and I want to binge. I want to eat and I really cant... ugh - this is pathetic that I miss food. But it's almost like I lost a friend or something...
I am so overwhelmed in life right now. I work 25 hours a week in a pert time job that doesn’t even come close to paying my bills. I go to school and am enrolled in 15 credit hours. I should have graduated LAST year but I have changed my major 8 times! Yea only 8 lol. So I still have 2 years... and then I will be an elementary school teacher. I honestly cannot wait to be a teacher. I love kids and I think that I may have found the major that will stick... but you never know. I thought that about my last major too.
Aside from school and work I want so badly to have a life. I am only 23 so I should be having fun and partying and goin to bars and clubs and what not but I have an issue with those places. I hate crowds... I hate parties and being around large groups of people just stresses me out. I don’t drink cos of the surgery and the crippling fear that I will become an alcoholic. So bars and clubs are generally not fun for me. another thing that makes parties, bars, and clubs awkward and bad for me is I hate being touched... I don’t like it when I am close and touching other people... it goes along with bein overweight... I just don’t want people to touch me and be grossed out and I feel like I take up too much space and when I maneuver through a crowd I can’t help but think that the people that I am sayin excuse me to are thinking here comes fatty or some other negative comment. IDK it makes social settings weird for me. when I do hang out and what not it basically is me hanging out with the same group of friends from my school or my sister and her group of 35+ friends that play poker... I feel that I live an uuber lame life. I feel like I am missing out on my life at a single twenty something girl... but at the same time I am lost and confused and I have no idea what to do about it.
Then there is the guy issues... I want to date I want to fall in love and I thought that after losing 50lbs I was ready so in November I began dating. I met David on match.com and there was this instant connection. He and I dated the entire month of November and I truly fell for him. I really felt this amazing connection to David the way I never have with anyone. But David is bipolar and we have been off and on for the last 6 months. In between I have dated a few other guys and had no real connections the way that I connected with David. But David will not be easy to be with forever and yet I choose him... the only problem is that I don’t know if he chooses me. I think it all boils down to trust and IDK if I trust that he isn’t goin anywhere again. I want to but I just can’t seem to trust it the way I want to. IDK if he is in it for me or in it for sex or what... I just wish I was a mind reader.
Also, I really don’t know what to do with all the new attention that I am getting from guys... I mean really I don’t know how to handle compliments - they make me feel awkward and idk it’s weird. Although I have lost 136 lbs I feel like I look the exact same and I don’t have any confidence. NONE. pathetic I know but I don’t have any self worth and that has led to some bad choices. Like sex... I caved and had sex w. David... he made me feel wanted and although I wanted to wait til I was married I had sex w. David. When we are together I don’t regret that decision... when we are broken up I totally regret that I did. I feel that I have lost part of my identity as a Christian as someone living chastity and I feel bad for it. I know that this is a lot of rambling but I just needed to get it all out there. I am thinking of goin to counseling for the food addiction and body image issues... I think it may help me to vent... but IDK who to go to or if I would even be covered for counseling... UGH I am just feelin very FML at the moment.
I am so overwhelmed in life right now. I work 25 hours a week in a pert time job that doesn’t even come close to paying my bills. I go to school and am enrolled in 15 credit hours. I should have graduated LAST year but I have changed my major 8 times! Yea only 8 lol. So I still have 2 years... and then I will be an elementary school teacher. I honestly cannot wait to be a teacher. I love kids and I think that I may have found the major that will stick... but you never know. I thought that about my last major too.
Aside from school and work I want so badly to have a life. I am only 23 so I should be having fun and partying and goin to bars and clubs and what not but I have an issue with those places. I hate crowds... I hate parties and being around large groups of people just stresses me out. I don’t drink cos of the surgery and the crippling fear that I will become an alcoholic. So bars and clubs are generally not fun for me. another thing that makes parties, bars, and clubs awkward and bad for me is I hate being touched... I don’t like it when I am close and touching other people... it goes along with bein overweight... I just don’t want people to touch me and be grossed out and I feel like I take up too much space and when I maneuver through a crowd I can’t help but think that the people that I am sayin excuse me to are thinking here comes fatty or some other negative comment. IDK it makes social settings weird for me. when I do hang out and what not it basically is me hanging out with the same group of friends from my school or my sister and her group of 35+ friends that play poker... I feel that I live an uuber lame life. I feel like I am missing out on my life at a single twenty something girl... but at the same time I am lost and confused and I have no idea what to do about it.
Then there is the guy issues... I want to date I want to fall in love and I thought that after losing 50lbs I was ready so in November I began dating. I met David on match.com and there was this instant connection. He and I dated the entire month of November and I truly fell for him. I really felt this amazing connection to David the way I never have with anyone. But David is bipolar and we have been off and on for the last 6 months. In between I have dated a few other guys and had no real connections the way that I connected with David. But David will not be easy to be with forever and yet I choose him... the only problem is that I don’t know if he chooses me. I think it all boils down to trust and IDK if I trust that he isn’t goin anywhere again. I want to but I just can’t seem to trust it the way I want to. IDK if he is in it for me or in it for sex or what... I just wish I was a mind reader.
Also, I really don’t know what to do with all the new attention that I am getting from guys... I mean really I don’t know how to handle compliments - they make me feel awkward and idk it’s weird. Although I have lost 136 lbs I feel like I look the exact same and I don’t have any confidence. NONE. pathetic I know but I don’t have any self worth and that has led to some bad choices. Like sex... I caved and had sex w. David... he made me feel wanted and although I wanted to wait til I was married I had sex w. David. When we are together I don’t regret that decision... when we are broken up I totally regret that I did. I feel that I have lost part of my identity as a Christian as someone living chastity and I feel bad for it. I know that this is a lot of rambling but I just needed to get it all out there. I am thinking of goin to counseling for the food addiction and body image issues... I think it may help me to vent... but IDK who to go to or if I would even be covered for counseling... UGH I am just feelin very FML at the moment.
<3 with Love ~Amber~
"To be irreplaceable, you must be different" - Coco Chanel
"To be irreplaceable, you must be different" - Coco Chanel
Amber,
First off, I want to say that I am floored and impressed by your honesty. I know it's cliche to say, but it does actually take a lot to be able to be honest about where you are and what you're going through.
It sounds like you've got a few different things that are festering in you, so I'm gonna try to seperate the issues:
1. When it comes to work and school, do you really have to work that much while being enrolled in 15 credits? Part of the beauty of college is having the freedom to grow up and explore stuff and try things- but if you're working that much and you have that many classes, of course you're gonna get burned out. top that off with a recent life-changing surgery and I say, no wonder you're pulling out your hair. I'd look into some student loans so that you can ease up a little on the work load and not jepordize your future in teaching.
2. Talking about not having a social life and talking about your lonliness and your regrets with your relationship with David makes me want to suggest that you try some new ways to meet people. No one was meant to go about life alone, I firmly believe that, and being involved in a healthy, supportive community can make all the difference in the world. For example, I spent the last week and a half in the hospital- super terrible. However, I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love that my friends demonstrated when I was there. I don't think a day went by that one of them didn't visit- usually three or four of them a day. It kept me cheerful when things felt so grim. And I think it can do the same for you. Depending on your school, there may be good places to find like minded people on campus. Especially if you don't go to a commuter school there's usually tons of people that gather for all kinds of different interests. I made a large majority of my friends through the Campus Crusade for Christ group that met at my school. Another place to meet people (and this is useful if people aren't around at your school) is at church. My church is a social anchor- there are tons of people there that share my core beliefs and are at similar places in their lives. Do you have a church you go to? If so, does it have a college/young adults ministry? That's one of the best tools I've ever found.
3. When it comes to boys, being loved, and failing in purity, I feel your pain. You have a God-given desire inside you to be loved, and I understand how you would sacrifice a lot of morals to keep that feeling. What I would say is, (and, this is my opinion, feel free to spit on it)
- First, I don't think David is good for you. In general, I think bipolar people leave people that love them in a whirlwind of hurt if they're not committed to treating their disease, and sometimes even when they are. I also think that we are still young, and "connection", though it's nice, is a feeling-- which is likely to change over time, and to me is a bad gauge of whether or not something is good for you. Of course you should be attracted to someone you're dating, but I have found that sometimes the most mysterious, connected, passionate entanglements that I get myself into, can't keep up with that illusion and usually crash and burn more quickly than others.
- Second (I SWEAR I'm not trying to beat this one to death, I've only noticed it's success in me), church has also been a great place for me to meet guys, and establish healthy friendships with guys. I hope that this will enable me down the road to have more normal romantic relationships, since I have similar touch issues and sometimes body issues. It's amazing how a few guy friends who constantly would touch me and be affectionate with me eventually softened my heart enough to believe that I was worthy of that love. That was the big fight within myself.
------
wow, I think my reply is longer than your post! hope you don't go cross-eyed trying to get it read. let me know what you think, and feel free to disagree with anything/everything
Ann
First off, I want to say that I am floored and impressed by your honesty. I know it's cliche to say, but it does actually take a lot to be able to be honest about where you are and what you're going through.
It sounds like you've got a few different things that are festering in you, so I'm gonna try to seperate the issues:
1. When it comes to work and school, do you really have to work that much while being enrolled in 15 credits? Part of the beauty of college is having the freedom to grow up and explore stuff and try things- but if you're working that much and you have that many classes, of course you're gonna get burned out. top that off with a recent life-changing surgery and I say, no wonder you're pulling out your hair. I'd look into some student loans so that you can ease up a little on the work load and not jepordize your future in teaching.
2. Talking about not having a social life and talking about your lonliness and your regrets with your relationship with David makes me want to suggest that you try some new ways to meet people. No one was meant to go about life alone, I firmly believe that, and being involved in a healthy, supportive community can make all the difference in the world. For example, I spent the last week and a half in the hospital- super terrible. However, I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love that my friends demonstrated when I was there. I don't think a day went by that one of them didn't visit- usually three or four of them a day. It kept me cheerful when things felt so grim. And I think it can do the same for you. Depending on your school, there may be good places to find like minded people on campus. Especially if you don't go to a commuter school there's usually tons of people that gather for all kinds of different interests. I made a large majority of my friends through the Campus Crusade for Christ group that met at my school. Another place to meet people (and this is useful if people aren't around at your school) is at church. My church is a social anchor- there are tons of people there that share my core beliefs and are at similar places in their lives. Do you have a church you go to? If so, does it have a college/young adults ministry? That's one of the best tools I've ever found.
3. When it comes to boys, being loved, and failing in purity, I feel your pain. You have a God-given desire inside you to be loved, and I understand how you would sacrifice a lot of morals to keep that feeling. What I would say is, (and, this is my opinion, feel free to spit on it)
- First, I don't think David is good for you. In general, I think bipolar people leave people that love them in a whirlwind of hurt if they're not committed to treating their disease, and sometimes even when they are. I also think that we are still young, and "connection", though it's nice, is a feeling-- which is likely to change over time, and to me is a bad gauge of whether or not something is good for you. Of course you should be attracted to someone you're dating, but I have found that sometimes the most mysterious, connected, passionate entanglements that I get myself into, can't keep up with that illusion and usually crash and burn more quickly than others.
- Second (I SWEAR I'm not trying to beat this one to death, I've only noticed it's success in me), church has also been a great place for me to meet guys, and establish healthy friendships with guys. I hope that this will enable me down the road to have more normal romantic relationships, since I have similar touch issues and sometimes body issues. It's amazing how a few guy friends who constantly would touch me and be affectionate with me eventually softened my heart enough to believe that I was worthy of that love. That was the big fight within myself.
------
wow, I think my reply is longer than your post! hope you don't go cross-eyed trying to get it read. let me know what you think, and feel free to disagree with anything/everything
Ann
As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly!
Ann,
Thank you so much. Your post touched me. I really think that you are right about a lot of things. UNfortunatly less work is not an option and I do go to a commuter school but I am going to look into getting involved in some on campus groups. As far as church I really do miss church. I used to be involved in a retreat organization but stopped having time for it... and now I feel that I am not a good example to lead retreats... I would like to find a church to belong to that had activities and social gatherings etc for its members but I have yet to find one in my area. I was raised catholic and as with most catholics my church is not really an "active" church especially when it comes to young adults. Honestly I am lost in my own life right now.
"I don’t like it when I am close and touching other people... it goes along with bein overweight... I just don’t want people to touch me and be grossed out and I feel like I take up too much space and when I maneuver through a crowd I can’t help but think that the people that I am sayin excuse me to are thinking here comes fatty or some other negative comment."
I totally feel like that all the time!, I feel that me being fat, that i'm a nuisance to people.
I feel like everywhere I go, I have judging eyes staring at me, breaking me down inside their heads.
Like when I sit on the train, on the two seaters in the morning.. I feel sorry for whoever sits next to me, cause it's abit squashy.
I really have to get my head screwed on straight.
And don't worry, you are not alone, I have fears just like yours and personal issues I have to overcome.
You have to really feel good about yourself though, lately i believe i've improved on that.
I just took a good look at myself in the mirror and I said, you know what? sure i'm fat... but in a few months... i wont be AS fat lol as silly as it sounds, it worked.
I didnt believe I had lost any weight from the liquid diet but then I compared some before and after photos I took and I was amazed.
I suggest you keep progress pics and compare them.
And when you look at them, really focus on it and say to yourself, Look how far i've come!
And with the men factor, I can sympathise with you completely!
I havent dated in 3 years, haven't been intimate for that long too.. but I know that one day, someday there will be someone out there for me. Someone compatible.
Like you said, you're young and want to have fun!... don't get caught up in the relationship drama, or finding the right man right now. Right now it's about YOU, and getting to know the new you.
Keep your chin up hun, and remember we are ALWAYS here to talk.
We may not be counsellors but we have awesome advice 24-7.
Anna xx
I totally feel like that all the time!, I feel that me being fat, that i'm a nuisance to people.
I feel like everywhere I go, I have judging eyes staring at me, breaking me down inside their heads.
Like when I sit on the train, on the two seaters in the morning.. I feel sorry for whoever sits next to me, cause it's abit squashy.
I really have to get my head screwed on straight.
And don't worry, you are not alone, I have fears just like yours and personal issues I have to overcome.
You have to really feel good about yourself though, lately i believe i've improved on that.
I just took a good look at myself in the mirror and I said, you know what? sure i'm fat... but in a few months... i wont be AS fat lol as silly as it sounds, it worked.
I didnt believe I had lost any weight from the liquid diet but then I compared some before and after photos I took and I was amazed.
I suggest you keep progress pics and compare them.
And when you look at them, really focus on it and say to yourself, Look how far i've come!
And with the men factor, I can sympathise with you completely!
I havent dated in 3 years, haven't been intimate for that long too.. but I know that one day, someday there will be someone out there for me. Someone compatible.
Like you said, you're young and want to have fun!... don't get caught up in the relationship drama, or finding the right man right now. Right now it's about YOU, and getting to know the new you.
Keep your chin up hun, and remember we are ALWAYS here to talk.
We may not be counsellors but we have awesome advice 24-7.
Anna xx
I'm sorry that you are going through multiple things at once, it's so hard dealing with one thing sometimes let alone several.
You had some very good responses already so I won't beat that to death. I just think you need to take some time and just evaluate your happiness in your life and where you need to make changes or improvements. Remember, this is YOUR life you have to live in a way that works for you and fufills your needs. Maybe that means cutting some work hours, maybe it means finding a way to hang out with friends regularly in a place other than the bar or club....or just taking a few hours a week just to do something for you. The key is being proactive about, no one can change the problem areas in your life but you.
About your bf David, I agree it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at the moment. I've been in a few of those and it's just so guy wrenching to be in love with another person and just wish that it could work out like a "normal" relationship but it doesn't. It sounds like he needs some help dealing with his problems and as far as that goes, there's not really a whole lot you can do..it's up to him. If you guys are suppose to work out, you will but don't lose out on another opportunity waiting for something that may never happen. Don't cut yourself short, you deserve happiness in yourself and in your relationsihps.
Best of luck to you, I know it's hard but life is funny about working out when you least expect it.
~Emily~
You had some very good responses already so I won't beat that to death. I just think you need to take some time and just evaluate your happiness in your life and where you need to make changes or improvements. Remember, this is YOUR life you have to live in a way that works for you and fufills your needs. Maybe that means cutting some work hours, maybe it means finding a way to hang out with friends regularly in a place other than the bar or club....or just taking a few hours a week just to do something for you. The key is being proactive about, no one can change the problem areas in your life but you.
About your bf David, I agree it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at the moment. I've been in a few of those and it's just so guy wrenching to be in love with another person and just wish that it could work out like a "normal" relationship but it doesn't. It sounds like he needs some help dealing with his problems and as far as that goes, there's not really a whole lot you can do..it's up to him. If you guys are suppose to work out, you will but don't lose out on another opportunity waiting for something that may never happen. Don't cut yourself short, you deserve happiness in yourself and in your relationsihps.
Best of luck to you, I know it's hard but life is funny about working out when you least expect it.
~Emily~
"Tis better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not"
I think counseling is a great idea! I am in the works of setting that up myself. I just want to be sure to take care of myself inside while I lose all this weight. Its a huge mind *** (for lack of a better word) losing all of this weight and I really dont want to self sabotage because I can't mentally keep up or handle it. And as for having sex with David, ask for forgiveness and God will forgive. Its not too late to go back just because you did it w/ David. 
p.s. You look amazing and beautiful!!!
p.s. You look amazing and beautiful!!!
I know you don't know me and I'm new here but I have to say that after reading what you wrote I totally know where you are coming from. I understand everything you wrote because I can relate to it... I feel the same way.
Counselling may be a good idea. I am trying to get myself to go but I feel odd talking to someone I don't know about my issues.
Good luck and I'm sure Mr. Right will come along when you least expect it!
Counselling may be a good idea. I am trying to get myself to go but I feel odd talking to someone I don't know about my issues.
Good luck and I'm sure Mr. Right will come along when you least expect it!
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