Missing comfort food right about now

 Today the rain reflects my mood. I have so many things that I am happy about and yet I am the black cloud in the room. I am so happy that I have made so many amazing friends here and at school... And at work I have Mandy & Crystal and they can always make me laugh and so work has become a good place... well at least most of the time. Plus, I am getting healthy... finally. I mean in the last 3 months I have lost nearly 100 lbs. That is amazing and I never in a million years thought that was possible. I am also really excited about my major change. I feel that it is a more stable career path and I know in my heart that it is what I am being called to do. But something in all of this is missing for me... and that something is love. This past month I have been insanely happy with David (my bf). We spent a lot of time together and I really fell hard for him and he knew that... he made me believe that he was falling for me too... apparently he wasnt since he ripped my heart out, threw it on the floor, and then jumped up and down on it... leaving me to pick up the pieces. I was not prepared for that at all. I think that I should have seen this comming and i feel like a fool. I really do... I was blinded by love and ignorance and honestly it felt so good to have someone tell me that I was amazing and special and beautiful and all of the stuff David told me millions of times a day. It felt amazing to be wanted and I thought loved. I even had sex with him (just 2 days before he dumped me) which was a first for me.  And even now despite the crazy pain that my heart is in I would take him back if he asked... He wants to be friends and hang out and whtever but I don't know if I am strong enough to do that. I really want to be more than friends. I don't know why I am always the girl that is never good enough to be the girlfriend... I am always just the friend. I have enough friends... I want love. When he broke up with me he told me he isn't over his ex which makes me believe that I am not as good as she was, I am not as pretty or as amazing... I am not good enough for him. I know that all sounds like nonsense and the smart part of me is saying hey idiot you are amazing stop it - he doesnt deserve you. That is what I have told to cousins, sisters, and friends and it is so easy to say but so hard to practice or believe. This whole situation really messed with my head and made me feel crumpled, torn, dropped, steped on, crapped on, thrown away piece of garbage. I was really feeling comfortable in my own skin - I really was but now I see all these flaws and I look in the mirror and see all this stuff that I need to fix. I need prayers. I have made mistakes. I feel like a fool and I need God's grace to get me through.  And really and truly all I want to do right now is eat a **** ton of chinese and cookie dough, watch chick flicks, and cry but I can't.  Ugh right now I just wish I was numb.

I am so sorry that sucks but you are too good for him and hes not worthy of you....as for ur first time was with him that makes it even worse but its ok when one doors closes another opens I know it doesnt seem like the best thing now but it will in time....my sorta bf after 3 years just up and left me I though i was going to die but each day gets better i promise......good luck

Here is a saying that helps me get through tough times ALOT


The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
and
God will never give you more then he knows you can handle!!

hey amber, i`m sorry you are having a bad time. but this  "your time" you have to focus in yourself now. to improve your health. i know you feel heartbroken. but that`s part of been in love.  everybody have this kindda experiences. so you are not alone..
by the way. your writing its beautiful... you are  talented. sitdown and write it would help to heal.
hugs. and chin up girl!! that 100 in 3 monhts are amazing..... those lbs took me around 10 months haha lol

hang in there.
mariana.

Amber,

I am sorry your hurting right now, but your better off without him. You are too good for him and you are amazing... I mean your in school, working and becoming a healthy person. Right now you can take this time to do things for you...