I finished my statement...

Ok! I finished my personal statement.  Would you mind giving me some feedback?  I have been a poor student and based on my transcripts would completely laugh myself out of the door at time of application.  I have permission to submit my grades after Spring 09 semester (thank God for the Dean of Admissions!), but want my statement to wow them.  I am definately not a poor student, I was a 3.89 in High School... life has just happened. Thanks everyone!

Tell us something unique about you, why you chose your particular major, and how you expect Duquesne University to help you achieve your academic, personal and professional goals.  Please include any examples of your research, shadowing or volunteer experiences.

Prior to 2006, my life was headed in a different direction. At a young age, I threw myself into a field that put the focus not on me in any way, but on the animals I worked with. They accepted me for who I was, they never judged me or questioned my abilities. They cared not what I weighed, nor what I wore or how I looked. By age 8, I was a member of 4-H and in high school I was a part of the Future Farmers of America.  Throwing myself into every animal project available I won many awards based on my management, husbandry and leadership skill.  I was named Master Showman my junior year of high school, elected Treasurer in the Merced-Mariposa Sectional FFA and exhibited champion rabbits across the country along with Brown Swiss dairy cattle.  I’ve had the privilege of being Merced County 4-H’s Small Animal Advisor since 2002 and continue to work with the local 4H and FFA programs in my county.  I’ve also been able to represent California in the National FFA Band.  In 2001 and 2002 I was named first chair tuba and performed solos at the National Conference in Louisville, Kentucky.

 

I was good at what I did, but I was not happy. I truly loved music, but lacked the confidence to make it my future career goal. I was overweight and I used that weight as an excuse to tell myself that I was not good enough to be a performer. In music, the focus is not on anything but the performer and I was not ready for that attention. I wanted to continue to hide, to live in my shell, and the small world I had created for myself. This all changed in 2006 when I decided to make a drastic change.  Being morbidly obese I was destined to have physical pain, medical issues, and a shorter life span; to save my life I underwent gastric bypass January 6, 2006.  My three year anniversary is fast approaching and I can only see great things happening.  I am no longer borderline diabetic; I can walk, stand and run.  I’m able to enter a room and not cower in a corned in an effort to keep attention away from me.  I am strong and know life is not a horrible thing, it is an everlasting rollercoaster with opportunities at every turn and loop.

 

Upon entering junior college I was determined to major in agriculture, specializing in education.  I took the necessary course load and managed to do satisfactory at the beginning of my career.  As life happened, I had lost and regained multiple jobs, went through the normal new student blues and finally decided agriculture would not be beneficial to me as a career path.  Although I loved working with livestock and educating young children about California’s fruitful soil, my heart yearned for more.  After high school I still played with local ensembles whenever I could.  I accompanied my grandmother’s church choir on flute and played tuba in the college’s concert band as well as trombone in its jazz band.  After my gastric bypass I decided to make music my ultimate goal.  I’d love to be a performer, providing the bass to every well known Broadway hit, but before I get there I plan to teach.  Teaching has always been my passion whether in agriculture or music.  I adore seeing bright young faces taking in every new thing I bring to the table.  As an educator I will plant the seed that will continue to grow through high school, thus inspiring tomorrow’s greatest musicians, composers and directors.

 

I have come full circle in every aspect of my life.  My goals have cemented and I’m completely ready to tackle them head on with the help of Duquesne.  I have always wanted to go away to school, yet keep the same down home feel of my small hometown.  I fell in love with Pittsburgh the moment I stepped off the plane in October.  The hilly streets, colorful leaves, crisp weather and not to mention the many suburbs.  A ten minute drive led me from quiet family life to downtown hustle and bustle- sublime!  Prior to falling in love with the campus virtually, I didn’t consider religion based schools as a possibility.  Although I’ve led a Christian life, I haven’t made it a huge priority in my day to day living.  In doing my research I felt a sense of belonging and realization in learning about the Spiritan way and how Duquesne came to be one of the three great universities in Pittsburgh.  I would love to continue the development of my spiritual life.  Duquesne sports a phenomenal school of music.  I expect great things to come from my studies under recording artists and upper degree educators.  It will definitely be an honor to study under the direction of tubist, Craig Knox.

 

I am aware that my past is dark and may be a concern to those considering my acceptance into Duquesne University as well as the Mary Pappert School of Music.  I have failed at many classes and have been slow in dropping courses I was sure not to finish.  My attendance as well as performance in the classroom has been poor.  The last three years have given me greater visions of my future and what I want to accomplish. I no longer have the issues of self doubt and the lack of confidence to hold me back. I see Duquesne University as the door to my future and I am ready to step through it and progress. I have broken out of my shell and am prepared to be part of a university and a community with a diverse student body and many activities, both academic and non-academic, to participate in. It is my time to shine and know that I will be successful after college and be able to make a name and place for myself in our society. I am hoping that Duquesne University is the place that helps me accomplish that.

 

 

Jaci,
I think it sounds great!  I say, submit, submit, submit!!!

Thanks!!

First of all... let me start by saying I loved your story... I hope that could be me in a couple of months as soon as my loosing really begins..

In terms of structure I believe yours is a very complete essay, it has a previous part where you introduce your ways into music, you continued by introducing your interest in the school and then what you wish to accomplish in relation to previous experiences... I thought it was great.... I've read a lot of essays and I can say I love yours...

I hope you submit it...

and good luck!!!!!!

Thank you Ana!!!!

I think this is really good and really powerful.  I think you are very brave for being so open about yourself and what you have been through, personally and academically.  Your honesty really shines throughout the essay and I think that will make it really stand out.

The only thing I would suggest is maybe a little rewording in the last paragraph to make it a little more positive.  I wouldn't try to point out failing classes and poor attendance.  I would try to go with something like "In the past my self doubt and lack of self confidence hindered my performance academically."  And then go on with "the last three years have given me....."  Overall I think it is great how it is, that is my only thought.

Oh I love your suggestions!!!!  Writing positively about myself and past was absolutely the hardest thing to do!

Jaci,


You did a great job in writing your statement. It sounds great!


Marie

wow! I think it's great. I agree though about the comment with your last paragraph, but even if you didn't change a thing I think it's incredible! I loved reading it.

jaci,

Sorry this took me so long to look over- I'd been meaning to look at it, and my dad came for the holidays and just left today. I hope you haven't submitted it.

I guess my first question is, what is the word length for this statement? then, is this the only section that you have to explain your less-than-perfect college performance? What are you submitting to the school? A resume? Grade transcripts from high school and college? or just college? standardized test scores?

I'm an English major at University of Miami right now, and my friends come to me to shred their papers up. I think your essay stands on its own, and if you're happy with it- great! some of the great things about you from what I've seen are well reflected here and I think will allow the admissions advisors to see you for who you are. If you want to work on it even more than you already have, I'll provide you with some more critical feedback- just let me know. Good luck either way! Getting accepted is a terrifying process I'm just about to embark on it again for law schools.

Ann